14 MP3 Audio clips from Violent Night (2022)

PLAY ALL 14 CLIPS

Clip 1

Santa is taking a break from delivering presents in a bar in Bristol, England. And he's absolutely sh*t-faced. God only knows how he'll make it around the world now that he can't see straight.

Santa

[Belches]

Barmaid

Another one?

Santa

Well, I'm still vertical, so I'd like to change that.

Clip 2

Driving under the influence of alcohol is immoral, stupid, illegal and irresponsible. And surely that applies to Santa as much as it does to the rest of us?

Barmaid

You ain't driving, are you?

Santa

I steer a little, but the reindeer do most of the work.

Clip 3

What are the chances of there being two Santas in a bar at the same time? Well, it's Christmas and the shops have just closed, so...

Store Santa

It's the look on the kiddies' faces, innit? That's what does it for me.

Santa

Ah, the look. Yeah, that look. Lasts about two seconds. As soon as they're finished unwrapping, they want the next present, they want the next cool thing. That's how this world works. And kids... what kids have become. They're just like little junkies. They're little sh*ts. They just demand. They don't believe. They just want, crave, consume.

Clip 4

Morgan Steele is a special kind of douche. He thinks he's a great actor and likes to think he's pretty tough. But the only person who agrees is Alva who, as his girlfriend, is contractually obliged.

Linda

What about Tragic Mike?

Morgan

All I'm saying is, if I was on one of those planes, 9/11 would've ended with a bunch of terrorists skydiving over Connecticut without their parachutes. Yeah. You like that?

Alva

Yes. Yes. Yeah, I do like it. Ooh. Kiss me in front of my son.

Morgan

Now, huh?

Alva

Mmm...

Jason

He might actually be a decent actor.

Linda

Hmm.

Jason

He's been doing an Oscar-worthy job of pretending to find my sister appealing.

Clip 5

Gertrude is a charmer. She's rich, she's beyond middle-aged and she's as shallow as a sheep-dip after a drought. She's also got a potty mouth.

Gertrude

[Speaking on the phone]

Threaten 'em or bribe 'em. This isn't rocket science. Same sh*t we always do. That's what? That's the best you can do?

Linda

[To TRUDY]

Excited to see your grandma?

Gertrude

Listen, you c*cksucker. It's Christmas, so why don't you take your best offer, gift wrap it, and ram it up your fu*king box.

Clip 6

Trudy shares her first name with her grandmother but she's taken to being called Trudy. Which is lucky because otherwise things would get really confusing!

Trudy

Merry Christmas, Grandma!

Gertrude

Aww -

Alva

Little b**ch!

Gertrude

Little Gertrude. And how is my favourite granddaughter?

Trudy

Everybody calls me Trudy now.

Gertrude

Trudy? Well, that makes her sound like a whore.

Jason

Okay!

Gertrude

Oh, she doesn't even know the meaning of the word.

Clip 7

What you have to remember about reindeer (even magical ones like those who pull Santa's sleigh) is that they're wild animals. And wild animals... how can I put this? They... poop a lot.

Santa

Which one of you did that? You can't go two seconds without crapping on the roof like a bunch of pigeons? So unprofessional.

Clip 8

The gang are implementing their sinister plan to rob the family. That means radio checks. And you won't believe the codenames they've been assigned. I mean... really?!

Scrooge

All right, revellers. Time to steal Christmas. Sound off.

Jingle

Jingle. Check.

Peppermint

Peppermint. Check.

Sugarplum

Sugarplum. Check.

Krampus

Krampus. Ready to fu*k sh*t up.

Candy Cane

Candy Cane. Check.

Frosty

Go for Frosty.

Tinsel

Go for Tinsel.

Gingerbread

Go for Gingerbread. Are we gonna use these stupid code names all night?

Scrooge

'Tis the season.

Clip 9

Trudy needs help. She's on the radio to Santa. And Santa outlines his plan to shove a lump of coal up the rectum of each and every one of the bad guys. Go, Santa!

Trudy

Are you gonna help us, Santa?

Santa

Yeah. Of course I'm gonna help you. I'm gonna... I'm gonna get you out of there. Take all these bad guys on my naughty list... I'm gonna take a lump of coal, each and every one of them, and shove it straight up...

Trudy

The ass?

Santa

Well, I mean, come on, sweetie. We want to keep you on the nice list, you know?

Trudy

Sorry. Can I say "butthole," then?

Santa

I mean, it's borderline.

Trudy

How about "anus"?

Clip 10

The Nutcracker. It's not just a ballet. In this case, it's a real thing and, unless something miraculous happens, Jason is about to lose his ability to father any more children.

Scrooge

Come on. It's not called a finger cracker. Okay, Candy Cane. Stick one of his balzaks in there.

Candy Cane

I'm not touching his balls.

Scrooge

What, are you a princess all of a sudden? I've seen you scoop out brains before.

Candy Cane

You want me to scoop his brains out, I'll scoop his brains out right now, but I'm not touching his junk.

Scrooge

I don't care who does it. I better be looking at flat balls, like, in three seconds.

Krampus

I'll do it.

Scrooge

Krampus. Perfect.

Jason

Oh, not that guy. Not that guy.

Scrooge

That's what I love about sociopaths. Always up for trying new things.

Clip 11

Commander Thorp. On an "a**hole scale" of one to ten, where Morgan is an eight, we can put Commander Thorp somewhere around twelve or thirteen.

Commander Thorp

All right, fellas. Look alive, look alive. You all know the plan, and I like my operations like I like to fu*k. Hard and fast with minimal cleanup. Now, some idiot gets in your way, what do you do?

Extraction Team

[In chorus]

Fu*k that sh*t up right!

Commander Thorp

Damn right. Time to lube up!

Clip 12

Morgan. Don't be fooled. This wasn't an heroic act. No. He's just launched himself through a window in order to... run away. I think he's just discovered what bicycle clips are for.

Alva

Morgan's gonna save us.

Gertrude

Jean-Claude Van Dipsh*t just ditched us, sweetie.

Clip 13

Alva. Could she be any more like her fu*king mother? I mean, Santa has saved her niece and the best she can come up with is... this?

Linda

Oh. Trudy!

Trudy

Mommy!

Linda

Thank God, baby. Are you okay?

Trudy

I'm okay, Mommy.

Linda

Okay.

Trudy

This is my friend, Santa.

Alva

What the fu*k?

Clip 14

Santa has a point. I mean, in terms of demonstrating gratitude, there are few methods better than bringing someone back from the dead, right?

Jason

Thank you. I don't know how we can ever repay you.

Santa

Well, you brought me back from the dead, so we'll call it even.