16 MP3 Audio clips from Plus One (2007)

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One of Rob's more unpleasant daydreams sees Duncan from Blue as a Bond villain torturing him by making him watch one of his pop videos.

Fromblue

You've been a thorn in my side for the last time, Mister Black.

Rob

You'll never get away with this, Fromblue.

Fromblue

No, I assure you, I already have.

[Laughs]

Rob

You expect me to talk, Fromblue?

Fromblue

No, Mister Black. I expect you to endure male vocal, close-harmony pop.

[The video to Blue's "All Rise" starts to play on a large screen and Fromblue laughs and sings along]

You can choose your friends but not your family. That's what they say. And Rich seems intent on proving this old adage.

Rob

My brother, Rich tried really hard to cheer me up.

Rich

Bruv, pull yourself together. You fu*king poof!

Laura has a point. Rob must still be holding a candle for Linsey if he's going to all this trouble to de-rail her wedding day. Surely?

Rob

Look. If I don't go it'll look like I'm upset that she's getting married.

Laura

But... you are.

Rob

No, but I'm not. Not... not in that way. Christ, look... let's just be clear, yeah? I don't want her back, or love her or any of that bollocks.

Laura

So, what's your problem?

Rob

My problem is, of the two blokes in that room on that day who will have seen Linsey's fanny, I'm the least impressive.

Rich. What can I say about Rich? Well, let's just say he has a one-track mind and the needle's stuck.

Rebecca

Why don't you ask that nice girl you work with, Laura?

Rich

Yeah, she is a nice girl. And that's the problem. He doesn't need a nice girl, he wants proper, Olympic-standard fanny. Real... top-end minge, you know... quality clam.

Another of Rob's many daydreams in which he fantasises about ruining Linsey and Duncan's big day.

Duncan

And, of course, the person I'd most like to thank today is my beautiful wife... Linsey.

Linsey

Just a minute... sorry... sorry, is that Nicola Dare? It is Nicola Dare, the best looking girl you ever met. I'm sorry, Duncan from Blue... Nicola Dare being here has made me realise you can do so much better than me. I mean. compared to her... I'm a fu*king boiler!

I've never questioned my position on this issue. I wouldn't. Ever. But Paul is undecided. If a girl had unexpected items in her panties... he probably still would.

Paul

You know... I've always wondered that. If I was with a hot woman, we got down to it, she stripped off and she'd got this big c*ck... and balls... would I?

Rob

Would you what?

Paul

You know... do it. I'm talking about those pre-op, high-end Brazilians. I've seen them at the carnivals. They look just like women.

Rob

Except for the c*ck and balls.

Paul

Yeah but most blokes are dying for their girlfriends to let them have anal sex, right? So... this is a really good looking woman who'd not only let you do it... she won't have it any other way.

Rob

Yeah, granted but there's still another man's genitals waving about down there. So what you're saying is... I, Paul, want to have sexual intercourse with another man. In the bum.

Paul

No. You're taking a very simplistic view of this, Robert.

Rob has just been struck in the balls. It hurts. I know. But if I were staggering around rubbing them afterwards, I'd be careful who saw me.

Rob

Owwwwwww. Ahhhhh. Ahhhhh. Oh, my balls. Ahhhhh my fu*king balls are going to explode.

Little Girl

[Screams]

MUMMY! THAT MAN IS RUBBING HIS WILLY!

Rob

Oh, sh*t!

This is not a healthy attitude from a potential wedding guest. They should care about one party or the other at least. But not Rob. No. He couldn't give a... damn.

Rob

Can you believe the thing's on telly? I mean, it's bad enough that I've got to go to it, full stop. Now I've got to endure twelve weeks of the build-up to the bastard.

[In a mocking tone]

Oh, what colour will the bridesmaids dresses be?

I don't give a fu*k. Seriously, a fu*k I am unable to give. Have you got a spare fu*k on you, Rob? Ooh, ooh... hang on, let me check. Oh, I'm sorry... I'm completely fu*king out of them.

Why are some daydreams self-deprecating? I mean, imagine imagining that this actually happened live on T4. Ouch!

Steve Jones

So, Duncan... new single out on Monday. It's fantastic, by the way.

Duncan

Thanks, Steve.

Steve Jones

Um, you describe it as a concept record, yes?

Duncan

Umm, I wanted to handle broader, more universal concepts in my music.

Steve Jones

But the title, "Rob Black, You're Sh*t!" uh... does seem to be quite specific.

Duncan

It's just a made-up name. A kind of mythical, every-man figure.

Steve Jones

In verse one, the line, "Linsey reckons you've got a really weird bend in your c*ck." Linsey's your girlfriend's name, no?

Duncan

Purely coincidence.

Abby is one potential plus one for Linsey's wedding. She's an actress, a singer and actually pretty stunning. Which leads Rob to have this daydream.

Abby

♪

This wedding's quite lame, despite all of his fame because...

Duncan's a twat.

Linsey's dress doesn't fit and the caterer's sh*t because...

Duncan's a twat.

The ring looks like it cost 99p, it's been a disaster, I'm sure you'll agree.

Duncan

I'm starting to wonder why she's marrying me. Because I'm... a... twaaaatttt!

Poor Rebecca. She's not been lucky in love. And that has to be hard enough without her brother reminding her of the fact with alarming regularity.

Rebecca

Well, well, well... it appears that I've got a date, too.

Rob

Really?

Rebecca

Yep. First one in what... twelve months?

Zoe

Wow, that's ages!

Rebecca

That's what having babies does for you.

Rich

No, that's what being a Gaymaker does for you.

Zoe

What do you mean?

Rich

Rebecca, here is a Gaymaker. She makes men gay.

Rebecca

Okay, that's not technically true.

Rich

You sent your last bloke queer.

Rebecca

No I did not. He was gay already.

Rich

Didn't stop you getting pregnant by him, did it?

Zoe

Henry's dad's gay?

Rich

Yeah but he'll be all right. He's got me as a strong heterosexual influence.

Rebecca

Oh, great. Yeah.

Rich

Thing is, he wasn't the first.

Rob

Rich, come on now, mate.

Rich

Of the eleven blokes she's slept with -

Rebecca

Christ, have you been keeping a diary or something?

Rich

- three have turned gay, four were already gay and one was bitten in half by a hippopotamus.

Zoe

You shagged three gay guys and another four have turned gay?

Rebecca

You find that more astonishing than one of them being bitten in half by a hippopotamus?

Rob

Well, to be fair to Zoe here, you sleeping with one man who's been bitten in half by a hippo is bad luck. Sending seven of your eleven boyfriends gay is pretty astonishing.

Rebecca

I did not send them. They were already there!

Rich

Maybe they mistook you for a man.

Rebecca

Oh and one day someone might mistake you for a man, Richard. Unless they saw your feet. Your tiny child feet. All inky-winky, tiny like dinky Mister Tumnus fawn hooves.

Richard

Oi, footballers feet, these.

Rebecca

Yeah, Subbuteo footballer.

Rich

So, who is he, anyway? I mean, where did you meet him? What does he do? Come on, Gaymaker, let's have it.

Rebecca

Will you stop calling me Gaymaker? I am not a Gaymaker. Nor am I the Bender Sender, the Queer Engineer, the Bum Whisperer, that was good... uh, the Fruitcake Baker or the Promo of Homo.

Rich

All right. Point made!

It's Rich again. Only this time, he has a point. There's more than one way to crack a nut or skin a cat. Rob CAN find an incredibly beautiful plus one. But he'll need Laura's help.

Rich

One of yours, Bruv?

Rob

Yeah.

Rich

Well, don't sound so enthusiastic. You should be proud. You produced this record.

Rob

Yeah, but I'm not a real record producer. I just put names on a spreadsheet.

Rich

I don't know what you're moaning about. I mean, you get to hang out with birds that look like that all day.

Rob

No, I don't. I never meet the models. The covers are all dealt with by the Graphics Department.

Rich

Well, do you know anyone in the Graphics Department?

Rob

Laura.

Rich

What, Laura as in the girl who sits next to you for forty hours a week, Laura?

Rob

Yeah.

Rich

Bruv, you are currently busting your balls to try and find an incredibly beautiful woman to take to Linsey's wedding, right?

Rob

Right.

Rich

That... is an incredibly beautiful woman, yes?

Rob

Yes.

Rich

Now, if you can't figure out a way to meet her... then you, Robert, do not deserve to own a penis.

Another daydream. I'm starting to think that Rob's just bitter and twisted about the whole Linsey / Duncan from Blue situation, aren't you?!

V/O

Hey, Rob! is the ultimate Linsey's sh*t collection. Forty-one dancefloor fillers to remind you why this model is just loads better looking than your ex-girlfriend. Including such pumping hard-house classics as Linsey's Got a Fat Arse, Linsey Can Resemble a Tortoise From Certain Angles and an exclusive remix of the Euro Club Smasher, Linsey Looks a Bit Like a Lesbian With That Haircut. Available in your head now!

Rob can always count on his best friend, Paul to cheer him up. To boost his ego when he's feeling down. To tell him like it is. Well, that last bit, certainly, but as for the rest...

Rob

A celebrity! Look, Paul... it's a celebrity! Seriously, I'm telling you. Lisa Snowdon just went into the VIP Room. I've got to go and say hello, surely?

Paul

Whoah, Robert... this is Lisa Snowdown. One of the most beautiful women in Britain.

Rob

And?

Paul

And, you've got a face like a balloon that someone sh*t in and punched really hard.

This might sound like a drug deal, but it's not. It's worse. Because what Rob is buying from Rich is an evening with a child. And whilst it's not as bad as it sounds, it's still pretty twisted.

Rich

All right, Bruv? You got the money?

Rob

A hundred quid, as requested. I've already spent three hundred on his ticket. I thought meeting the Snowdon would be good enough for him.

Rich

Well, she's good enough for me.

Rob

She's about ten years too old for you, isn't she?

Rich

Twelve. But I'll make an exception. She's a right piece of ass. She's definitely filed away for a rainy day.

Rob

Yeah, I'm sure she'll be delighted to know she's made it into your "wa*k bank", Richard but can we just get down to business?

Paul is documenting Henry's first year of life but he seems to be focussing on breast-feeding. And that doesn't make Rob feel very comfortable at all to be honest.

Rob

You are taking photos of my sister breast-feeding.

Paul

No. I am capturing the reality of Henry's first year. I'm reporting it on -

Rob

Yeah, I can see what you're saying in theory but, in reality, you are just taking photos of my sister's tits!

Paul

It's for Henry to look back on in years to come.

Rob

Well, I don't know about you, Paul but I can think of nothing that I, as a grown man, want to do less than look at a book full of pictures of my mum's tits. And neither will Henry. Unless there's something very, very fu*king wrong with him.