17 MP3 Audio clips from Season 5 of Outnumbered (2007)

PLAY ALL 102 CLIPS IN THE RANDOMISER™

Pete is on the phone to a company who, owing to a computer glitch, is demanding a payment of £0.00 and he's even more incredulous than usual.

Pete

What do you mean I've got to pay it? I've got to pay you the sum of zero pounds or else the computer won't understand? Okay, fine. I'll do it. But can I suggest that you employ a computer that isn't on the Autism Spectrum? No, that's all. Thank you.

When will Sue ever learn to leave e-mail alone? I mean, pretty much every time she sends one, it ends in disaster. And this is no exception. It's going to be a long, long night.

Pete

In God's name, no.

Sue

What?

Pete

You cannot send an e-mail at twelve fifteen.

Sue

Why not?

Pete

Because you will start one of those late night e-mail firestorms.

Sue

Don't be ridiculous.

Pete

You should never, ever send an e-mail asking someone's opinion after eleven o'clock at night.

Sue

Well, actually, I've already sent it.

Pete

That's insane.

Sue

All I've done is ask for the input of... thirty or so adults.

Pete

Many of whom will have half a bottle of Merlot inside them and just be itching to pour out their gripes.

Sue

Rubbish! This is exactly the kind of group consultation that e-mail is perfect for.

[An incoming email sound is heard]

There you are. I've already got a reply.

Pete

That's a lot of capital letters, isn't it?

Sue

Well, she's obviously a concerned mother who is... who's... a bit upset. Uh, about the fact that the school has failed to make the connection between her child's... pyromania and... and... and the fact that... that she is exceptionally gifted.

Pete

Right.

[An incoming email sound is heard]

Oh, there's another one. Ooh! Look at the exclamation marks on that!

Sue

Well, again... he's a...

Pete

Concerned father?

Sue

... who's a bit concerned about the quality of the teaching staff.

Pete

That's the first time I've seen the word "wa*kers" spelled with a Z. Oh, you've got another five replies.

[Several incoming email sounds are heard]

No, six. You have hit a grievance gusher.

Sue

Yeah.

When your children have got you on the back-foot, cornered, with nowhere to go, it's probably best to say nothing than to lie through your teeth. Children can read a lie better than any adult can.

Ben

Why didn't you send Karen to the same school as me and Jake?

Sue

Well... every child is different.

Pete

Yeah, no two kids are the same.

Ben

She just said that.

Pete

Yeah, and... and I was... was reinforcing it. I mean, it was a tight decision.

Sue

Yeah.

Pete

Uh, we felt that, uh...

Sue

On... on balance, um... uh, the school Karen's at is known for... having lots of... structure.

Pete

Stru... Structure, that's right and, uh... the school is a... school with a more... scholastic approach.

Sue

So... in the end, we felt that, uh... Karen would perhaps benefit from being challenged... academically speaking.

Jake

Are you saying that she's brighter than us?

Sue

No.

Pete

Not at all.

Sue

No.

Pete

No, I mean...

Sue

No way.

Pete

... the reverse.

Sue

'Cause what we actually are saying is... that... every child has different needs.

Pete

And one chooses a school which is best tailored... to that child's needs.

I once accidentally described the wife of a colleague as looking like Magnum P.I. whilst he was in the room. Well, I didn't know it was his wife. And besides, she had an enviable moustache.

Sue

KAREN, ARE YOU IGNORING ME OR ARE YOU WEARING YOUR HEADPHONES?

Karen

I'M IGNORING YOU!

Sue

She's in a foul mood. She picked up a detention today for commenting on the Deputy Head's moustache.

Pete

Oh, right so the... the Deputy Head is ultra-sensitive about his moustache?

Sue

Her moustache.

Pete

Oh, right.

Freud. He had some wacky ideas. One of them being that all men wanted to kill their fathers and sleep with their mothers. No. Absolutely not, Freud. That's just you, isn't it? Yeah.

Ben

Dad... come check this out. It's a thing that psychologists use. It's called the Ink Blot Test.

Pete

Is that the where they work out someone's inner-most feelings by spilling ink all over the table?

Ben

What?

Pete

You spilled ink all over the table.

Ben

Oh, uh... yeah. I was wondering about that. Um, here... all you have to do is... you have to see if you can find any shapes.

Pete

I'm busy.

Ben

Go on. Just... what can you see?

Pete

I see Mum.

Ben

Hmm. That's interesting because Freud thought that every man wanted to kill their father and sleep with their mother.

Pete

Yeah, well Freud never met my mother. This is...

Ben

So you can see your mother in this?

Pete

As in "Mum"... your mum. My wife. Look, I can see her face. She's screaming. She's screaming, "What prat spilled ink all over the table?"

Freud said that women tend to get angrier than men because women don't have penises. Apparently. But how can that be true? Why would that make them angry? That's a blessing, surely?!

Sue

[Lets out an exasperated scream]

Ben

Why you getting angry?

Sue

I'm angry because I've just started a new job and they're not going to take me very seriously if I can't even print out a simple registration document.

Ben

Maybe you think that's why you're getting angry.

Sue

Eh?

Ben

Freud reckons that when you get angry with something, you're really getting angry with something else. Something subconscious. So, you're getting angry with the printer because it represents Dad or Jake or -

Jake

Why can't you be the printer?

Ben

I just chose you for an example.

Jake

Can't you choose yourself as an example?

Ben

You don't choose yourself as an example.

Sue

This printer is off at the wall. Who the hell did that?

Ben

Oh, yeah. That was me. Sorry.

Jake

You're definitely the printer now.

Sue

You watched me struggle with that.

Ben

I was turning it off and on again to try to make it work.

Sue

I could kill you.

Ben

But is this really about me?

Sue

Yes. Yes, yes, this is definitely about you.

Ben

Well, Freud said that women were always more angry because they didn't have a penis.

Sue

You're joking, aren't you?

Ben

You could be statistically more angry.

Sue

That's absolute bollocks.

Babies. They're synonymous with vomit. But in Karen's case, she appears to have been something like Regan from The Exorcist. Like a geyser of pea soup.

Pete

I just don't like babies.

Sue

How can you say that? You saw him. Little James is incredibly cute.

Pete

I don't like babies.

Sue

You do like babies. Remember Karen when she was his age? That tiny little thing with those big eyes.

Pete

I remember the projectile vomiting. The distance and the...power. The volume. The colour.

Sue

She was such a smiley little thing.

Pete

God... in that café. That must have been a good four feet. They had to throw that whole tureen of soup away.

How much does child-birth hurt? Well, take it from someone who's witnessed that particular miracle that if men had to give birth, the human race would have become extinct a very long time ago.

Karen

How much does it hurt to have a baby?

Sue

Well, you know, it's... it's a lovely experience but I suppose it... it does... it does hurt a bit. But it's sort of like a positive... pain.

Karen

What about that lady across the road that had a home birth? Was that a positive pain?

Sue

Umm...

Karen

Because she kept me awake all night with her screaming.

Pete

That would have been positive screaming.

Karen

"Just kill me now!" she kept screaming.

Sex Education is important. But in Ben's case, it sparked a kind of review of physiological design. Not really what Sue and Pete intended when they bought him a book about sex.

Sue

You know the Stacey thing? Do you think you could have a word with Ben?

Pete

Ohhh...

Sue

Oh, go on. I... I did all the girl stuff with Karen and that's a lot messier.

Pete

Didn't we give Ben a book about sex?

Sue

Did we?

Pete

Yeah, we did. Because he came back and said he thought that human genitalia were very poorly designed. Although I'm not sure his alternative was very practical. I don't think that women would want the testicles. And certainly not up there.

Pete didn't rehearse this. He winged it. Off the cuff. On the spur of the moment. And you can tell. Because he ended up talking to his thirteen-year-old son about strippers. Yikes!

Pete

Listen, Ben. About sex. I know they teach you the nuts and bolts stuff at school...

Ben

Yeah, I had to put a condom on a banana.

Pete

Yeah, I think you can take a GCSE in that now. But I was just wondering if you had any questions about... behaviour around... women. It's just that Jake did mention what had happened around... Alex.

Ben

There's no lock on that door. That was an accident.

Pete

Right. Well, it is quite hard to walk in on a naked woman... by accident but... should you come across a naked woman... you shouldn't stare. Unless, of course, she's a stripper. But you shouldn't be going to strippers yet... or, indeed... at all.

Casual nudity isn't welcome in the Brockman residence. Not that Stacey ever walks around naked. But the limited clothes she DOES wear have a serious effect on Ben.

Sue

Stacey?

Stacey

Oh, hiyah!

Sue

Um... I'm sorry to raise this. It's just... I was wondering if you would mind... not walking about in a towel... or... or underwear.

Stacey

Oh, this isn't underwear. It's my nightie.

Sue

It's just that seeing you in... a limited amount of clothing has effects on a thirteen-year-old boy.

Stacey

Oh, right. I gotcha. Yeah, we're a little more relaxed back home.

Sue

Are you? Um, okay... well, so... if you wouldn't mind covering up in front of Ben... and Pete and... and everyone, in fact?

Stacey

You got it.

Sue

And when you're in the bathroom would you mind, um... pulling down the blind? Only Mrs. Brooks opposite has an elderly father with a pacemaker... and a telescope.

You can see how this title might appear to Stacey to be somewhat ambiguous, can't you? No. Me, neither. It's pretty clear what the programme is about. Stop channel surfing, Jake!

Jake

Top Gear, Top Gear, QI, QI, QI, QI... ah-hah! The Man with Ten Stone Testicles.

Stacey

What? It's a man with ten testicles? Made of stone? What?

Jake

Uh... no, Stacey... um, I think basically... he's got testicles that weigh ten stone. Stone is a weight, you know?

Stacey

Why would anyone even have ten testicles?

Jake

Look, look... two. Two... fleshy testicles.

Karen

Oh, Jake... change the channel.

Jake

How does he walk? Probably rolls.

Pete has taken Ben camping. It's a kind of write of passage. But Ben has been watching a lot of survival shows. And he's keen to impart and practice his knowledge.

Pete

Uh, we do have bottled water in the car.

Ben

I'll still get some wild water from the stream and then I can disinfect it. Bear Grylls strains it through his socks.

Pete

Okay. As long as you don't mind if I drink the non-condom and sock water?

Ben

You know Bear Grylls drank liquid from a dead camel's intestines?

Pete

I think that's where they get Baileys from.

Jake needs to learn that whilst he feels like an adult, he's still technically a child and speaking to his mother like this is more than likely going to result in physical violence.

Sue

Oh, Karen!

Jake

Oh, hello! It's "Worry Woman." What are you worried about now?

Sue

I'm worried I'm about to punch my son in the face.

Oh, Karen is SO much like me. Only I write letters of complaint as an adult. I wouldn't have dared do this. At her age. To the Governors of her school.

Mrs Raynott

So... Karen Brockman. I've heard a lot about you. Esepcially in the weekly staff meetings. Now then, I understand you've been having a bit of trouble adapting to secondary school and that's not unusual. Different children react in different ways. But I have to say, in my nineteen years as a Head, this is the first time I've had one write a formal letter of complaint... to the Governors. Do your parents know you wrote this?

Karen

No. I don't usually involve them in school stuff. They just... panic.

Mrs Raynott

Well, Karen, I must congratulate you on a very thorough review of the school's shortcomings. You've certainly saved Ofsted the bother of a visit. I particularly like this very helpful list of all the rules you think are... lame. I wonder if you'd be kind enough to talk me through your findings. Read it to me. Go on.

Karen

Number one... staff defects...

Pete's phone is rubbish. He can't hear anyone and they can't hear him. Which leads to lots of things being lost in translation. Like "Chinese hordes", for example.

Pete

Ben, is that you?

Ben

I can't hear anything... your phone's -

Pete

Where... in God's name... are you?

Ben

I'm in the café on the Common with Mr and Mrs Lee and their friends. Listen, if we ever go to Shanghai, I've got loads of addresses. Can I bring some of them home for tea?

Pete

Ben, I've had a very difficult day and I really don't want to be... invaded by Chinese hordes.

Ben

That's a bit racist.

Pete

Chinese hordes isn't racist.

Ben

Oh! Oh, I thought you said Chinese whores.

Pete

What?

Ben

CHINESE WHORES!

[The café falls silent, not surprisingly]

YOU NEED TO REPLACE THAT PHONE.

Funny how two people can have such a differing recollection of the same holiday in Greece, isn't it? I mean, this is typical Angela.

Angela

Oh, God. Sue... do you remember just before you went to uni... and I took you off to the Greek islands and we lived on retsina and... slept on the beach under the stars?

Sue

Well, I slept on the beach under the stars. You slept in a Greek taverna with that waiter you'd met.

Angela

Oh, Hercules! The one who had the brother who liked you.

Sue

Yeah. The obese fifty-year-old, one-legged, epileptic brother. He chased me all over the island. Well, he tried to.