Outnumbered | Season 5
© 2007 Hat Trick Productions
Pete and Sue Brockman live in London with their three children, Karen, Ben and Jake. And their lives are chaos. Abject chaos. Which will be familiar to anyone with children. For those without children, this will be enough to put you off the idea for life. Basically, Outnumbered is a televisual contraceptive.
UPDATED: | CLIPS: 102
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Clip 1 S05 E01: "Rites of Passage" |
Pete is on the phone to a company who, owing to a computer glitch, is demanding a payment of £0.00 and he's even more incredulous than usual. |
Pete |
What do you mean I've got to pay it? I've got to pay you the sum of zero pounds or else the computer won't understand? Okay, fine. I'll do it. But can I suggest that you employ a computer that isn't on the Autism Spectrum? No, that's all. Thank you. |
Clip 2 S05 E01: "Rites of Passage" |
When will Sue ever learn to leave e-mail alone? I mean, pretty much every time she sends one, it ends in disaster. And this is no exception. It's going to be a long, long night. |
Pete |
In God's name, no. |
Sue |
What? |
Pete |
You cannot send an e-mail at twelve fifteen. |
Sue |
Why not? |
Pete |
Because you will start one of those late night e-mail firestorms. |
Sue |
Don't be ridiculous. |
Pete |
You should never, ever send an e-mail asking someone's opinion after eleven o'clock at night. |
Sue |
Well, actually, I've already sent it. |
Pete |
That's insane. |
Sue |
All I've done is ask for the input of... thirty or so adults. |
Pete |
Many of whom will have half a bottle of Merlot inside them and just be itching to pour out their gripes. |
Sue |
Rubbish! This is exactly the kind of group consultation that e-mail is perfect for. |
[An incoming email sound is heard] |
There you are. I've already got a reply. |
Pete |
That's a lot of capital letters, isn't it? |
Sue |
Well, she's obviously a concerned mother who is... who's... a bit upset. Uh, about the fact that the school has failed to make the connection between her child's... pyromania and... and... and the fact that... that she is exceptionally gifted. |
Pete |
Right. |
[An incoming email sound is heard] |
Oh, there's another one. Ooh! Look at the exclamation marks on that! |
Sue |
Well, again... he's a... |
Pete |
Concerned father? |
Sue |
... who's a bit concerned about the quality of the teaching staff. |
Pete |
That's the first time I've seen the word "wa*kers" spelled with a Z. Oh, you've got another five replies. |
[Several incoming email sounds are heard] |
No, six. You have hit a grievance gusher. |
Sue |
Yeah. |
Clip 3 S05 E01: "Rites of Passage" |
When your children have got you on the back-foot, cornered, with nowhere to go, it's probably best to say nothing than to lie through your teeth. Children can read a lie better than any adult can. |
Ben |
Why didn't you send Karen to the same school as me and Jake? |
Sue |
Well... every child is different. |
Pete |
Yeah, no two kids are the same. |
Ben |
She just said that. |
Pete |
Yeah, and... and I was... was reinforcing it. I mean, it was a tight decision. |
Sue |
Yeah. |
Pete |
Uh, we felt that, uh... |
Sue |
On... on balance, um... uh, the school Karen's at is known for... having lots of... structure. |
Pete |
Stru... Structure, that's right and, uh... the school is a... school with a more... scholastic approach. |
Sue |
So... in the end, we felt that, uh... Karen would perhaps benefit from being challenged... academically speaking. |
Jake |
Are you saying that she's brighter than us? |
Sue |
No. |
Pete |
Not at all. |
Sue |
No. |
Pete |
No, I mean... |
Sue |
No way. |
Pete |
... the reverse. |
Sue |
'Cause what we actually are saying is... that... every child has different needs. |
Pete |
And one chooses a school which is best tailored... to that child's needs. |
Clip 4 S05 E02: "K for Victory" |
I once accidentally described the wife of a colleague as looking like Magnum P.I. whilst he was in the room. Well, I didn't know it was his wife. And besides, she had an enviable moustache. |
Sue |
KAREN, ARE YOU IGNORING ME OR ARE YOU WEARING YOUR HEADPHONES? |
Karen |
I'M IGNORING YOU! |
Sue |
She's in a foul mood. She picked up a detention today for commenting on the Deputy Head's moustache. |
Pete |
Oh, right so the... the Deputy Head is ultra-sensitive about his moustache? |
Sue |
Her moustache. |
Pete |
Oh, right. |
Clip 5 S05 E02: "K for Victory" |
Freud. He had some wacky ideas. One of them being that all men wanted to kill their fathers and sleep with their mothers. No. Absolutely not, Freud. That's just you, isn't it? Yeah. |
Ben |
Dad... come check this out. It's a thing that psychologists use. It's called the Ink Blot Test. |
Pete |
Is that the where they work out someone's inner-most feelings by spilling ink all over the table? |
Ben |
What? |
Pete |
You spilled ink all over the table. |
Ben |
Oh, uh... yeah. I was wondering about that. Um, here... all you have to do is... you have to see if you can find any shapes. |
Pete |
I'm busy. |
Ben |
Go on. Just... what can you see? |
Pete |
I see Mum. |
Ben |
Hmm. That's interesting because Freud thought that every man wanted to kill their father and sleep with their mother. |
Pete |
Yeah, well Freud never met my mother. This is... |
Ben |
So you can see your mother in this? |
Pete |
As in "Mum"... your mum. My wife. Look, I can see her face. She's screaming. She's screaming, "What prat spilled ink all over the table?" |
Clip 6 S05 E02: "K for Victory" |
Freud said that women tend to get angrier than men because women don't have penises. Apparently. But how can that be true? Why would that make them angry? That's a blessing, surely?! |
Sue |
[Lets out an exasperated scream] |
Ben |
Why you getting angry? |
Sue |
I'm angry because I've just started a new job and they're not going to take me very seriously if I can't even print out a simple registration document. |
Ben |
Maybe you think that's why you're getting angry. |
Sue |
Eh? |
Ben |
Freud reckons that when you get angry with something, you're really getting angry with something else. Something subconscious. So, you're getting angry with the printer because it represents Dad or Jake or - |
Jake |
Why can't you be the printer? |
Ben |
I just chose you for an example. |
Jake |
Can't you choose yourself as an example? |
Ben |
You don't choose yourself as an example. |
Sue |
This printer is off at the wall. Who the hell did that? |
Ben |
Oh, yeah. That was me. Sorry. |
Jake |
You're definitely the printer now. |
Sue |
You watched me struggle with that. |
Ben |
I was turning it off and on again to try to make it work. |
Sue |
I could kill you. |
Ben |
But is this really about me? |
Sue |
Yes. Yes, yes, this is definitely about you. |
Ben |
Well, Freud said that women were always more angry because they didn't have a penis. |
Sue |
You're joking, aren't you? |
Ben |
You could be statistically more angry. |
Sue |
That's absolute bollocks. |
Clip 7 S05 E03: "House of Hormones" |
Babies. They're synonymous with vomit. But in Karen's case, she appears to have been something like Regan from The Exorcist. Like a geyser of pea soup. |
Pete |
I just don't like babies. |
Sue |
How can you say that? You saw him. Little James is incredibly cute. |
Pete |
I don't like babies. |
Sue |
You do like babies. Remember Karen when she was his age? That tiny little thing with those big eyes. |
Pete |
I remember the projectile vomiting. The distance and the...power. The volume. The colour. |
Sue |
She was such a smiley little thing. |
Pete |
God... in that café. That must have been a good four feet. They had to throw that whole tureen of soup away. |
Clip 8 S05 E03: "House of Hormones" |
How much does child-birth hurt? Well, take it from someone who's witnessed that particular miracle that if men had to give birth, the human race would have become extinct a very long time ago. |
Karen |
How much does it hurt to have a baby? |
Sue |
Well, you know, it's... it's a lovely experience but I suppose it... it does... it does hurt a bit. But it's sort of like a positive... pain. |
Karen |
What about that lady across the road that had a home birth? Was that a positive pain? |
Sue |
Umm... |
Karen |
Because she kept me awake all night with her screaming. |
Pete |
That would have been positive screaming. |
Karen |
"Just kill me now!" she kept screaming. |
Clip 9 S05 E03: "House of Hormones" |
Sex Education is important. But in Ben's case, it sparked a kind of review of physiological design. Not really what Sue and Pete intended when they bought him a book about sex. |
Sue |
You know the Stacey thing? Do you think you could have a word with Ben? |
Pete |
Ohhh... |
Sue |
Oh, go on. I... I did all the girl stuff with Karen and that's a lot messier. |
Pete |
Didn't we give Ben a book about sex? |
Sue |
Did we? |
Pete |
Yeah, we did. Because he came back and said he thought that human genitalia were very poorly designed. Although I'm not sure his alternative was very practical. I don't think that women would want the testicles. And certainly not up there. |
Clip 10 S05 E03: "House of Hormones" |
Pete didn't rehearse this. He winged it. Off the cuff. On the spur of the moment. And you can tell. Because he ended up talking to his thirteen-year-old son about strippers. Yikes! |
Pete |
Listen, Ben. About sex. I know they teach you the nuts and bolts stuff at school... |
Ben |
Yeah, I had to put a condom on a banana. |
Pete |
Yeah, I think you can take a GCSE in that now. But I was just wondering if you had any questions about... behaviour around... women. It's just that Jake did mention what had happened around... Alex. |
Ben |
There's no lock on that door. That was an accident. |
Pete |
Right. Well, it is quite hard to walk in on a naked woman... by accident but... should you come across a naked woman... you shouldn't stare. Unless, of course, she's a stripper. But you shouldn't be going to strippers yet... or, indeed... at all. |
Clip 11 S05 E03: "House of Hormones" |
Casual nudity isn't welcome in the Brockman residence. Not that Stacey ever walks around naked. But the limited clothes she DOES wear have a serious effect on Ben. |
Sue |
Stacey? |
Stacey |
Oh, hiyah! |
Sue |
Um... I'm sorry to raise this. It's just... I was wondering if you would mind... not walking about in a towel... or... or underwear. |
Stacey |
Oh, this isn't underwear. It's my nightie. |
Sue |
It's just that seeing you in... a limited amount of clothing has effects on a thirteen-year-old boy. |
Stacey |
Oh, right. I gotcha. Yeah, we're a little more relaxed back home. |
Sue |
Are you? Um, okay... well, so... if you wouldn't mind covering up in front of Ben... and Pete and... and everyone, in fact? |
Stacey |
You got it. |
Sue |
And when you're in the bathroom would you mind, um... pulling down the blind? Only Mrs. Brooks opposite has an elderly father with a pacemaker... and a telescope. |
Clip 12 S05 E04: "Into the Wilderness" |
You can see how this title might appear to Stacey to be somewhat ambiguous, can't you? No. Me, neither. It's pretty clear what the programme is about. Stop channel surfing, Jake! |
Jake |
Top Gear, Top Gear, QI, QI, QI, QI... ah-hah! The Man with Ten Stone Testicles. |
Stacey |
What? It's a man with ten testicles? Made of stone? What? |
Jake |
Uh... no, Stacey... um, I think basically... he's got testicles that weigh ten stone. Stone is a weight, you know? |
Stacey |
Why would anyone even have ten testicles? |
Jake |
Look, look... two. Two... fleshy testicles. |
Karen |
Oh, Jake... change the channel. |
Jake |
How does he walk? Probably rolls. |
Clip 13 S05 E04: "Into the Wilderness" |
Pete has taken Ben camping. It's a kind of write of passage. But Ben has been watching a lot of survival shows. And he's keen to impart and practice his knowledge. |
Pete |
Uh, we do have bottled water in the car. |
Ben |
I'll still get some wild water from the stream and then I can disinfect it. Bear Grylls strains it through his socks. |
Pete |
Okay. As long as you don't mind if I drink the non-condom and sock water? |
Ben |
You know Bear Grylls drank liquid from a dead camel's intestines? |
Pete |
I think that's where they get Baileys from. |
Clip 14 S05 E04: "Into the Wilderness" |
Jake needs to learn that whilst he feels like an adult, he's still technically a child and speaking to his mother like this is more than likely going to result in physical violence. |
Sue |
Oh, Karen! |
Jake |
Oh, hello! It's "Worry Woman." What are you worried about now? |
Sue |
I'm worried I'm about to punch my son in the face. |
Clip 15 S05 E05: "Communication Skills" |
Oh, Karen is SO much like me. Only I write letters of complaint as an adult. I wouldn't have dared do this. At her age. To the Governors of her school. |
Mrs Raynott |
So... Karen Brockman. I've heard a lot about you. Esepcially in the weekly staff meetings. Now then, I understand you've been having a bit of trouble adapting to secondary school and that's not unusual. Different children react in different ways. But I have to say, in my nineteen years as a Head, this is the first time I've had one write a formal letter of complaint... to the Governors. Do your parents know you wrote this? |
Karen |
No. I don't usually involve them in school stuff. They just... panic. |
Mrs Raynott |
Well, Karen, I must congratulate you on a very thorough review of the school's shortcomings. You've certainly saved Ofsted the bother of a visit. I particularly like this very helpful list of all the rules you think are... lame. I wonder if you'd be kind enough to talk me through your findings. Read it to me. Go on. |
Karen |
Number one... staff defects... |
Clip 16 S05 E05: "Communication Skills" |
Pete's phone is rubbish. He can't hear anyone and they can't hear him. Which leads to lots of things being lost in translation. Like "Chinese hordes", for example. |
Pete |
Ben, is that you? |
Ben |
I can't hear anything... your phone's - |
Pete |
Where... in God's name... are you? |
Ben |
I'm in the café on the Common with Mr and Mrs Lee and their friends. Listen, if we ever go to Shanghai, I've got loads of addresses. Can I bring some of them home for tea? |
Pete |
Ben, I've had a very difficult day and I really don't want to be... invaded by Chinese hordes. |
Ben |
That's a bit racist. |
Pete |
Chinese hordes isn't racist. |
Ben |
Oh! Oh, I thought you said Chinese whores. |
Pete |
What? |
Ben |
CHINESE WHORES! |
[The café falls silent, not surprisingly] |
YOU NEED TO REPLACE THAT PHONE. |
Clip 17 S05 E06: "Spartacus the Musical" |
Funny how two people can have such a differing recollection of the same holiday in Greece, isn't it? I mean, this is typical Angela. |
Angela |
Oh, God. Sue... do you remember just before you went to uni... and I took you off to the Greek islands and we lived on retsina and... slept on the beach under the stars? |
Sue |
Well, I slept on the beach under the stars. You slept in a Greek taverna with that waiter you'd met. |
Angela |
Oh, Hercules! The one who had the brother who liked you. |
Sue |
Yeah. The obese fifty-year-old, one-legged, epileptic brother. He chased me all over the island. Well, he tried to. |