15 MP3 Audio clips from Season 4 of Outnumbered (2007)

PLAY ALL 102 CLIPS IN THE RANDOMISER™

Karen's homework on Martin Luther King has taken a somewhat unorthodox direction based on what she found out about him on the internet. His... well, his... libido.

Sue

Well, yes... you have finished the homework. I'm just... not sure about some of the choices you've made. I mean... "Martin Luther King sexed lots of women who were not his wife."

Karen

It said that on the internet.

Sue

Yeah... I just wonder whether you shouldn't mention... some of the other things he did.

Karen

Well, I decided to do mostly the women.

Sue

I'm just... just wondering about the second part. Where you're meant to write your own Martin Luther King speech.

Karen

I did it.

Sue

Yes. "I have a dream." Good start. "That one day, I'll stop going out to make speeches all the time and spend time with my children like grown-ups are supposed to."

Karen's theories about sexual equality are misinformed. At least in some respects. I mean... men are pretty useless sometimes but then, women who work... don't get hairy chests. Do they?

Sue

Listen, Karen I hate having to work full-time but since what happened to Dad...

Karen

It's a mum's duty to pick up her children from school.

Sue

Well, most women have to work.

Karen

See? You're getting aggressive. That's what happens to women that work like men. They start turning into men. They'll... they get hair on their chest and then... smash up town centres.

Sue

Look, Karen... you want to have a career when you grow up, don't you?

Karen

Yes I want to have lots of careers.

Sue

Well that's great and you can because thousands of women fought tooth and nail for the right -

Karen

Whilst they were fighting, who was picking up their children from school?

Sue

Well wh... why can't men do that?

Karen

Because they're useless. They forget your book folder.

Sue

Oh, you're just being silly now.

Karen

See? You're getting aggressive. You'll get hairy.

Either Karen has been misinformed about what happens at a funeral or every funeral I've ever been to has been wrong. I'm willing to bet it's the former and not the latter to be honest.

Karen

Will anybody cry at Uncle Bob's funeral?

Sue

It's possible. But the important thing to remember about... about this funeral, Karen is that... is that it's... it's not a sad day.

Karen

But it is for Uncle Bob.

Sue

Well, yeah but it... it's a... celebration of his life.

Karen

Surely he should have done that before... before he died. That would have been better. Because then he would have been able to come. I think he would have liked that much more.

Pete

Look, why don't we, um... take you through the day. What happens at a funeral.

Karen

I know what happens at a funeral. They put the coffin in the ground and the men... fire guns at it and then...

Pete

Well, shoot over it.

Karen

...the Pope asks...

Pete

The Pope?

Karen

If anybody has a good reason why the dead person shouldn't go to heaven. And no-one ever says anything.

There's a fine line between homophobia and holding out-dated and ridiculous stereotypes. Isn't that right, Sue? I mean... does every gay man enjoy the music of Judy Garland? I'm not sure.

Ben

Was Uncle Bob always gay? Even when he was married?

Sue

Um... yes, I think so. Um, the house was always full of Judy Garland records.

Jake

That's a bit homophobic.

Sue

What? Saying a gay man is more interested in a certain type of music? Or... or more interested in clothes? That's not homophobic. That's just... true.

Primary school politics. It can be complicated. Especially where girls are concerned. In-fighting starts at a young age. Don't get involved, Pete. Don't get involved.

Pete

Has someone been ganging up on you?

Karen

Well, yes. Because Molly said that Megan said that I was talking to Maisie about Katrina saying bad things about Katherine to Stacey -

Pete

Right.

Karen

- which isn't true because I didn't say anything to Maisie. She's just making it up to make me look bad to Molly -

Pete

Right.

Karen

- and Megan told Tanya because, um... she wants to be friends with Tanya and Molly and then -

Pete

Right. Um-hm.

Karen

- they're all... on Megan's side. Which isn't right. Do you get what I'm saying?

Pete

So you're cross with... Megan?

Karen

No! Why aren't you listening?

Sue has taken Karen out for the day and gone on strike because Jake made a comment about how being a woman is easy. The boys are about to find out how wrong he was.

Pete

So, Jake... you do the de-cluttering of the hall, urine removal -

Jake

Bloody hell!

Pete

Hey! That is not the attitude, okay? Failure is not an option. We are representing the male of the species here. So no negativity, no losing focus, and no ringing your Mum for help. Ben, stop sniffing the gas.

Did YOU know that William Wordsworth had an incestuous sexual relationship with his own sister? Because I didn't. Bloody hell. How does that even happen?!

Jake

Wordsworth had a very bland life. The most interesting thing he did was sleep with his sister. But rather than -

Pete

A bland life?

Jake

- write about that -

Pete

The most exciting thing he did was sleep with his sister? If that's your definition of bland... he couldn't write a poem about sleeping with his sister. He'd have been put in prison.

Jake

Well -

Pete

He'd have been in the next cell to Oscar Wilde.

Ben has been in charge of cooking the evening meal for the Brockman family. And unfortunately, he's been inspired by Heston Blumenthal. Which means... Karen's right. It'll taste like cat sick.

Pete

[Whispering to SUE]

Ben... has put an enormous amount of effort into this meal.

Karen

You let Ben cook our meal? Are you mad?

Sue

Karen -

Karen

I'm not eating that. It's going to taste like cat sick.

Following Heston Blumenthal's lead, Ben has puréed the entire main course making it the consistency and colour of diarrhoea. Yummy! But wait until you hear the list of ingredients.

Sue

Unusual texture.

Ben

Now this purée is made of... pork, onion, cheese, garlic, rocket, cucumber, um... Toblerone, rhubarb, ice-cream, cabbage and marzipan. And this is the vegetarian option... without the pork.

Archie is a Golden Labrador. He's cute and faithful but... well, not overly endowed in the brain department. Still, Pete is being pretty cruel in his summation of the poor dog's heritage.

Pete

See Archie? He's the perfect example of evolution. Because basically, what you have there... is a wolf. A very dim wolf. Possibly a special needs wolf.

Jake has band practice whilst Pete and Sue are attending Ben's Parents' Evening. Which means that Karen has to tag along. And that, as we all know, is not going to end well.

Marcus

I think I'll do like a... big, raspy Kings of Leon vocal on this one.

Jake

Go easy. Don't forget your asthma.

Karen

Do you play Michael Bublé songs?

[The band members laugh]

Jake

No!

Karen

But you like Michael Bublé.

Jake

No, I don't! She's getting confused.

Karen

But you sing along with him in his videos.

Jake

Yes, ironically. I'm being ironic. Sending him up.

Karen

So, whose songs do you play?

Marcus

We write our own songs.

Karen

[Snatching a sheet from a music stand]

Ooh! Are these the lyrics?

Jake

[Snatching the sheet back from KAREN]

No!

Karen

Why does he want to do that to his b**ch?

If you're troubled with cold-callers and you have a daughter like Karen, let her answer the door. Even a seasoned barrister stands no chance against her particular style of cross-examination.

Armitage

Oh, hello!

Karen

They're busy.

Armitage

Um, can I speak to your Mum or Dad?

Karen

You just asked the question I answered. Mum and Dad don't speak to cold-callers.

Armitage

I'm not a cold-caller.

Karen

Do we know you?

Armitage

Well, no... but -

Karen

Did we know you were going to call?

Armitage

No. However -

Karen

I think that makes you a cold-caller.

You've heard the expression, "About as funny as a fart at a funeral," right? Well, in Ben's case, you can forget it. In Ben's case, a fart at a funeral actually WAS funny.

Ben

Maybe I could be... a comedian. And I could, like... tell jokes.

Pete

No, Ben. That... actually, that's quite a good idea.

[The doorbell rings]

Pete

Where's Karen when you need her?

Ben

'Cos everyone laughed a lot when I farted at Uncle Bob's funeral.

Pete

Yeah, well that was funny. It was the echo as much as anything.

You can only imagine the smell inside Mr. Hunslet's car after Ben threw up into the glove compartment. But I don't want to imagine that at all. I'm about to have lunch.

Ben

Bye, Mister Hunslet.

Mr. Hunslet

Bye, Ben.

Ben

Have you got the smell out of your car, yet?

Mr. Hunslet

Not entirely. Bit hard to scrub inside the glovebox.

Ben

Sorry. Next time, I'll manage to open the window in time.

Mr. Hunslet

Or maybe... don't eat seven Scotch Eggs for a bet.

Ben

Laters!

Having that conversation with your children isn't easy. But it's essential. Shame, therefore, that Pete got so nervous when it came time to discuss safe sex with Jake.

Sue

You have had the safe sex conversation with him, haven't you?

Pete

Yeah. Ages ago.

Sue

How did it go?

Pete

Yeah, it was okay. I mean, there was a bit of giggling but, you know... I was nervous.