27 MP3 Audio clips from Season 3 of Outnumbered (2007)

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Ben has clearly inherited his father's love of history. He's full of interesting facts about medieval monarchs and has his own opinions about what their nicknames should have been.

Ben

The Queen's boring. The olden day kings and queens were much better, I mean like, Mary burned and killed five-hundred people which is why she was nicknamed Bloody Mary. But she should have been nicknamed something a bit like Ashy Mary or Flamy Mary or Bloody Flamy Mary.

10 Downing Street. Home to the Prime Minister and one of the landmarks the Brockman family are passing on an open-deck sight-seeing bus.

Pete

And down there, behind that big security gate and the barriers, that's where our Prime Minister... cowers. In Number Ten.

Ben

If number one's a wee and number two's a poo, I would hate to be anywhere near a Number Ten!

Karen

Or maybe it's... five number twos.

Ben

Uurgh!

Pete

Brings a whole new meaning to "The Prime Ministers in Number Ten!"

The Brockman children make their own fun. First it was spotting chavs and now it's spotting lesbians. Yes. You read that correctly.

Karen

Hey, Ben! There's a couple!

Pete

Hey... I told you to stop that "Chav Spotting" game.

Karen

We're not. Now we're spotting lesbians.

Sue

What?!

If you have children and you're not actively monitoring their activity on the internet, you too could end up having this awkward conversation with your nine-year-old. You have been warned.

Sue

I was sorting out the computer after it crashed and I noticed that someone had downloaded an inappropriate image. Was it you?

Ben

Well, it could be. Was it the farting nun?

Sue

No, Ben. It was not the... farting nun.

Ben

Was it the tree man?

Sue

Ben.

Ben

Or is it that creepy dude who can lift things up with his mind? That's cool. Or was it that evil clown song? Oh, I know. Was it the Pekingese dog and the lawn mower? Because that made me want to throw up.

Sue

Ben! I think you know what I'm talking about.

Ben

I don't.

Sue

It's a rude part of a lady with no clothes on.

Ben

Which rude part?

Sue

The... top rude part.

Ben

What... both top rude parts or just one?

Sue

Ben!

Here's a tip. Always keep your haemorrhoid cream separate from your toothpaste. Especially if you have children. You do NOT want them brushing their teeth with pile cream, now do you?

Karen

Mum?

Sue

What?

Karen

Is Anusol toothpaste?

Sue

NO! NO! Wait there. Don't touch anything. I'm coming.

Sandra has been tricked into playing her youngest grandson at Chess. And so far, it's going well. She's just checked him but then he WAS distracted at the time.

Sandra

Check.

Ben

What?

Sandra

You see? There are some things you can't do while playing your Gameboy.

Ben

Yeah, that's what the man on my cycling proficiency test said.

Karen is a strong, independent seven-year-old. She will NOT be told that she can't do something and certainly won't tolerate being told that she's inferior to boys. Isn't that right, Pete?

Karen

Anyway, girls can throw.

Pete

Interestingly, there is evidence that the way the female shoulder is put together does make it difficult for girls to throw a ball hard.

[KAREN throws an apple at her father, hitting him in the shoulder blade]

OW!

Karen

That was a hard throw.

[KAREN throws a satsuma at her father]

Pete

Karen! OW!

Karen

So's that!

Sue

Karen! I've told you before. No throwing fruit at Dad!

Sue wants to challenge Ben's stereotypical, misogynistic and out-dated view of women. Good luck with that endeavour, Sue. You obviously don't know your son as well as we do!

Sue

Well, do you know what a stereotype is?

Ben

No.

Sue

Well, a... stereotype is when someone has the wrong idea about people. For instance, someone may feel that women are all sissy, sissy girly girls who do unimportant things whereas, in fact, there are a lot of strong and very successful women out there who completely prove that stereotype wrong. Do you see?

Ben

Have we got any bacon?

Sue

Like, for instance, why did you direct that question to me and not your father?

Ben

Because you're nearest the fridge.

Sue

Oh. Right, well...

If you're having a colonoscopy, don't try to explain it to your children. It's a nightmare. They're strangely fascinated by the concept of someone having a camera put up their bottom.

Jake

What's that?

Pete

Oh, it's... it's just a letter from the hospital. Instructions about my colonoscopy.

Karen

Is that when they chop off the top of your brain to make you behave better?

Pete

That's a lobotomy.

Karen

Oh. Miss Lions said Ben could do with one of those.

Pete

They've banned them. Sadly.

Karen

So, what are you having?

Pete

Look, I'm... I'm just having a very simple thing where they film your insides.

Karen

Film your insides?

Pete

Mmmm.

Karen

But your insides are on your insides, so... how can they film them?

Pete

With a camera.

Karen

In your insides?

Pete

Yes.

Karen

Are... are you sure you've got this right? How does this camera get inside your insides?

Pete

Well... it's a special, tiny... camera. Specially designed for the purpose.

Karen

Yes, but how does it get inside your insides?

Pete

Well, they... they... they put it... up your bottom.

Ben

Up your bottom?!

Jake

It's not funny, Ben.

Ben

It is!

Karen

Who's gonna work the camera? Is there gonna be like, some tiny, tiny midget doctor that has to go up your bottom, too?

Pete

No.

Pete

No, Karen.

Jake

There's no midget.

Karen

Will we be able to watch it live on telly?

Pete

No, you won't be able to watch it live on TV.

Karen

Oh. Is that because it's on Sky and we don't have Sky?

Pete

No. No, there is no Colonoscopy Channel. Yet.

Pete and Rick are playing Lance and Frankie in a game of doubles tennis. Karen is umpire and Ben is ball boy. What can possibly go wrong?!

Lance

Yours! Mine! YES! Yes! Game to -

Karen

Out!

Lance

What?

Karen

That was out. And that's a point to Daddy's team.

Lance

Oh, for f-

Karen

And another point to Daddy's team for bad language.

Lance

I didn't swear.

Karen

You were going to.

Ben

Yeah, you were going to say f-

Pete

BEN!

Lance

She can't dock points like that.

Pete

It's fine. Look... just, just ignore her. She's being -

Karen

But you can't ignore me. I'm the referee.

Pete

Karen...

Karen

And don't argue with me. You've already been booked.

It's getting heated. Lance is a cheat and a sore loser. Rick has had just about enough of his bleating and complaining.

Lance

Are you calling me a cheat?

Rick

Uh, yeah. I am calling you a cheat.

Lance

Listen, matey I don't have to cheat to beat you.

Frankie

Lance...

Lance

I played for my county.

Rick

Which county was that, then? Wa*kashire?

Pete is hung over. Seriously hung over. And when you're peering at your grey complexion in the bathroom mirror, you don't need your child to state the obvious.

Ben

You smell like that relief teacher who didn't stay very long. You know, the one with the shaky hand and who always used to cry for no reason.

Karen doesn't mince her words. Especially when it comes to reconstructing how her father sounded when he was vomiting up last night's alcohol in the toilet this morning.

Pete

You're going to school. Look, it's just another day. Nothing especially bad is going to happen.

Karen

How can you say that? You've already been sick this morning in the toilet.

Ben

Has he?

Karen

Yeah. He was going...

[KAREN performs a remarkably accurate impression of her father throwing up]

With kids, it's either black or white. There's no middle ground. So if you're a white woman and your husband is black, it stands to reason your baby will have a complexion like a zebra, right?

Ben

So, you're definitely having a baby? Only, I don't like to ask. Not since I upset that big, fat lady.

Fiona

Oh. Oh, right.

Ben

So, your husband's black.

Fiona

Yes.

Ben

And you're white. So your baby could be black or white.

Fiona

Um, well... yes, or most likely something in between.

Ben

But not stripy?

Fiona

No. I don't think I'd like a stripy baby.

Ben

It'd be harder to lose.

Fiona

Yeah, that's -

Ben

They sometimes have mix-ups in the hospitals.

Angela has rocked up with her new flame, Brick Bollinger and his daughter, Taylor-Jean. Her sudden acquisition of an entire family takes everyone by surprise.

Brick

Great to meet you at last, Sue.

Sue

Oh, hello.

Brick

Pete! Pete, how's it going? This is Taylor-Jean. Say hi to everyone, honey.

Taylor-Jean

Hi.

Sue

I... I didn't know you had a little girl, Brick.

Angela

We have five kids.

Sue

Five?

Angela

Misty, June, Plymouth and Mustang couldn't leave Phoenix right now.

Sue

Wh... what, so is Phoenix the youngest?

Angela

It's a place, Sue. Where we live.

Is this what sex education in schools has come to? Shouting out all the known colloquial terms for a penis? Sheesh!

Angela

So, how was school today, Ben?

Ben

Great. We had sex education.

Angela

Right. Did they show you a film or something?

Ben

No. Mrs Bradley asked us to shout out all the names we knew for mens' bits.

Angela

Really?

Ben

We got to eighteen. Then Mrs Bradley wasn't sure about Pink Bazooka. She said Ibrahim had made it up.

There are some phone calls you're probably best not taking in a restaurant. One from the parent of a child your husband has inadvertently scarred for life is definitely one of them.

Sue

Well, yes. Pete was naked. But he'd forgotten that Maisie was staying overnight. Well, I'm sorry she's having trouble sleeping but it... well, yes he is quite hairy. Well, at least it won't come as a shock to her in later life, will it? No. Sorry. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, bye.

Kids. They're apt to say the most inappropriate things at the most inappropriate of times. During a family meal, for example. Not the setting to announce that your father has kissed another woman.

Ben

My mum lets out her anger.

Angela

Yeah, well...

Ben

She kicked you up the -

Pete

BEN!

Ben

And she let out lots of anger when she found out that Daddy had kissed a woman which isn't her.

Tit for tat is how it goes between Sue and Angela. They're sisters but they really don't get on. And conversations like this are the main reason they're constantly at war.

Angela

Listen, Brick is a great therapist. In fact, you should get him to talk to Pete.

Sue

What about?

Angela

Well, he's a licensed sex-addiction therapist.

Sue

Pete? A sex-addict?

Angela

He can help you both if you'll only let him in. You've got to think about what this could do to the kids.

Sue

The kids? Last year you were saying that kids turn you into a zombie. This year, you're Maria von Bloody Trapp! You'll make plenty of mistakes with Brick's children.

Angela

I doubt I'll ever leave one of them behind on a Scottish island.

Sue

I thought Pete had him, okay?

Hmm. Now it's Pete and Brick who are at each other's throats. And it's not surprising. Because Brick is not the kindly therapist he appears. No. He's a bit of an a**hole to be honest.

Pete

Yeah, don't play the therapist with me.

Sue

Pete.

Angela

Pete's one of those guys who thinks only charlatans become psycho-therapists.

Pete

And then there's Serbian war criminals.

Sue

Pete!

Brick

Whoah, Hugh Grant!

Pete

And if you call me Hugh Grant one more time, I'm going to take your Platinum Visa card and I'm going to shove it right up your...

There's a certain logic to this. I mean, what if it turns out that none of us have free will? What if everything we are, say and do is a direct result of genetics and our environment? Or so says Ben.

Ben

Most of what I am, I get from my genes, right? Which is you. And the rest of what I am, I get from my environment. Which is you. So, whichever way you look at it, everything I do is down to you.

Pete

No, that's not -

Ben

Including all the naughty bits.

Pete kissed another woman whilst drunk at a party. Which is pretty unforgivable. But to make matters worse, he can't help but dig this particular hole even deeper by saying sh*t like this!

Pete

Look, Sue... obviously I know that I'm to blame. I just think it's important for the children that we can resolve our disputes in a... in a calm and measured way.

Sue

Did you fancy her?

Pete

What?

Sue

Did you... fancy her?

Pete

You know what it's like when you're that drunk. Your... your body waves your brain goodbye. And your body is a lot less fussy than your brain so, in that brain-free moment, yeah... probably I suppose I did fancy her but then I fancied every woman in that room.

Sue

You fancied every woman in the room.

Pete

No, no that... that came out wrong, what... what I meant to s -

[SUE goes into the laundry room and slams the door closed behind her]

Poor Ben. He's gone into the living room to watch TV and he's faced with a show in which two people are playing tonsil hockey. I mean, for a nine-year-old that's pretty gross to see, right?

Ben

Uurgh, God. What the hell is that?! Uurgh!

Jake

It's just a special kind of kiss. A French Kiss. That's all.

Ben

I'm never going to France if they do that there. What the hell is wrong with them? He's a vampire.

Jake

No. He obviously just likes her quite a bit.

Ben

The only reason I came in here was to watch the TV.

Jake

Well, this is what's on TV and if you don't like it, 'cos you're gay, go away.

Ben

We've got a hundred chan... I'm not gay... we've got a hundred channels.

Jake

If you don't want to watch it, go and watch something else. I'm watching this.

The argument continues. One-upmanship at its finest. To negate Pete's actions, he accuses Sue of doing something comparable or worse. But there's nothing worse than cheating on your wife, is there?

Pete

I was not giving a signal, okay? I... was... DRUNK! I was -

Sue

Have you heard of something called self-control?

Pete

I... was... DRUNK! I've seen you do appalling things when you're drunk. Lots of times.

Sue

That's irrelevant.

Pete

I have seen you flash your breasts at a minibus full of nuns.

Sue

Oh, not that again. I was on medication.

Pete

I've seen you try to ride highland cattle. Pogo into a canal.

Sue

I was a student.

Pete

Heckle Stephen Hawking.

Sue

Yes but you've never seen me get off with someone else, have you?

Michael McIntrye is definitely a "Marmite" comedian. You either love him or hate him. And it's clear from this exchange that Pete would rather rub salt into his eyes than watch his show.

Jake

What are you watching?

Pete

It's Michael McIntyre.

Jake

Why have you got the sound off?

Pete

It's Michael McIntyre.

Howard. We all have a neighbour like him. Militant, anti-establishment and vocal. So when Karen is in hospital having been hit by a car, he chose the wrong moment to canvass against speed bumps.

Howard

Yes, hello. It's me. About the speed bumps.

Pete

Oh yes. The, uh... speed bumps.

Jake

Do you think, possibly you could call back -

Howard

Would you like to have a look at my, um... artists impression of what these monstrosities would actually look like?

Pete

Not really, no.

Howard

Right. Okay, um... so can we assume your support? It's just I'm not entirely clear as to your exact position.

Pete

My exact position? Ahh, yes. Well, let me see. I would say, um... that given that my child is currently in the hospital having been hit by a speeding car...

Jake

You don't actually know that, Dad.

Pete

I would say, on balance, um... that my exact positions is that in order to slow down all the, um... shrivel-c*cked Jeremy Clarkson wannabes such as your good self who seem to feel that any speed restriction is an abuse of their basic human right to drive like a pillock, I would be in favour of speed bumps.

Jake

Dad!

Pete

As as a further traffic-calming measure, I'd also be in favour of rocket-propelled grenades -

Jake

Dad!

Pete

- targeted to disappear up their stupid, complacent little arses!

Forgiveness. I'm not sure that Pete deserved Sue's understanding and compassion but he's lucky enough to receive them anyway. But they come with a caveat involving the future of his testicles.

Pete

Listen, Sue... I am really, from the bottom of my heart, deeply, deeply, sincerely sorry about the kiss.

Sue

What kiss?

Pete

Thank you.

Sue

When something like this happens, you realise that the things you thought were important just don't matter. It's just two drunks having a kiss. Happens every second all over the world, counts for nothing against a lifetime together, does it? Hmm?

Pete

No, that's... that's right.

Sue

But do it again and I'll rip your balls off.

Pete

Understood.