29 MP3 Audio clips from Season 2 of Outnumbered (2007)

PLAY ALL 102 CLIPS IN THE RANDOMISER™

Hmm. Do we blame Karen or her parents for this faux pas on Cousin Julie's big day? Well, you can't blame a six-year-old, so clearly the blame lies with Pete and Sue.

Karen

Why are wedding dresses funny?

Cousin Julie

Funny?

Karen

Yes, because when I asked my mummy and daddy in the car would the bride be wearing white, they said yes and started giggling.

Would YOU take Ben to a wedding? A boy who confuses gravel for confetti and shouts out funny and completely false impediments when prompted by the priest? No. Me, neither.

Pete

Right, Ben, a little reminder. Gravel... confetti. Only you seemed to get the two a bit confused at your Auntie Sandra's wedding, didn't you? And, when the Priest says, "Does anyone know any reason why these people can't get married?", no shouting out funny answers, all right?

Ben

You mean, like, "She's a MAN!"?

Pete

Yes. Exactly like that. You're very lucky your Auntie Sandra's got such a good sense of humour.

One of the problems with dementia is that it erodes your inner filter. You think it, you say it. Isn't that right, Frank?

Frank

This brings back so many memories of my wedding day. Crowded church, everyone in their finery. And Jane. Oh, Jane. So beautiful. Breath-taking, she was.

Sue

Dad... Mum's name was Joan.

Frank

I know. But she had this gorgeous friend called Jane. Real stunner.

Between the Brockman children and their Auntie Angela, the bride can find little nice to say about the family. In fact, her big day has been pretty much ruined. Not that you'd know. Not at all.

Sue

We're going to head off now, so I just thought I'd come and say thank you for a really lovely do. And thanks for making Karen a bridesmaid. She's just -

Cousin Julie

She certainly threw herself into it.

Sue

Yes, she's that kind of kid.

Cousin Julie

Yeah, do you know, she... she gave me the old third degree about my boyfriends.

Sue

Oh. Sorry.

Cousin Julie

Yeah, she seemed to know quite a lot about most of them.

Sue

Well, you know what girls that age are like.

Cousin Julie

Oh, yes. I do. Full of questions. Like, "Who's Ulrika?"

Sue

Well, we'd better be making -

Cousin Julie

Nice that Angela could make it.

Sue

Yes, yeah...

Cousin Julie

Oh, she and I had a good old chinwag.

Sue

Did you?

Cousin Julie

About your kids, mostly.

Sue

Really?

Cousin Julie

Yeah, you know what she's like when she gets going.

Sue

Oh, yeah.

Cousin Julie

Don't you want to know what she said?

Sue

No.

Cousin Julie

She said Jake is probably gay because he's obsessed with floral displays. She thinks Karen is spoilt and... manipulative. And she thinks that Ben is a trainee psychotic.

Sue

Right.

Cousin Julie

And Pete is weaker than a nun's p*ss. Isn't that a funny expression? Weaker than... a nun's p*ss.

Alexa is a lovely little girl who, sadly, is stuck between two warring parents. She's overhearing things no child her age should overhear. And she's telling everyone that will listen all about it.

[JANE has dropped ALEXA off and, as a result of double-parking outside the BROCKMAN residence, is hindering the progress of an ambulance]

Pete

Right, time to go.

Alexa

Mummy was shouting on the phone to Daddy.

Pete

Was she? Come on, boys.

Karen

Come on!

Alexa

She said the F-word, the B-word and the K-word.

Sue

K-word?

Pete

I think it's a spelling thing.

If you were to have diarrhoea, what's the worst place you could have it? How about the London Eye? In a glass pod, high above London and with no toilet facilities for at least half an hour.

Karen

MURDERER!

Sue

What?

Karen

You murdered a mouse and now it's in a trap in the laundry room.

Sue

[Whispering to PETE]

I thought you were going to sort it?

Pete

Sorry.

Karen

MURDERER!

Sue

Why me? Why you blaming me -

Pete

You can't have mice in the house, can you?

Karen

Why not?

Pete

Well, because they're dirty and they smell.

Karen

So does Ben.

Pete

But they run around the house and they poo everywhere.

Karen

So does Ben.

Ben

That's not fair! I had diarrhoea.

Karen

But you got it on that man's shoes.

Pete

Yeah, they probably should have toilets on the Millennium Wheel. God, what a long half-hour that was!

Pete's friend Jonty has died, unexpectedly and prematurely. And it turns out that Pete was the last person he spoke to. Which makes what Pete said all the more unfortunate, really.

Pete

Do you know, it turns out I was the last person to speak to Jonty before he died.

Sue

Ah.

Jake

So, the last words Jonty heard from another human being were, "Don't worry. You'll live."?

You can always rely on your children to make you feel better about things. To put a positive spin on the most terrible and depressing of circumstances. Can't you? You can, can't you?

Pete

And then everyone stood up and started talking about these amazing things... amazing things that Jonty had done when he was young. I had... no idea. But, it did make me wonder what people would say about me if I died.

Ben

They'd say you were very, very tall.

Pete

Oh. Thank you, Ben.

Ben

And they'd also say, "Ben, now you can have a puppy."

Pete

Well, I'm glad you're putting such a positive spin on it.

Jake

Yeah, they'd say good stuff about you, Dad.

Pete

Do you think so?

Jake

Well, it's what people have to say at funerals really, isn't it? Even if the bloke who's just died was a bit of a tosser.

The Brockman family are playing Articulate™ on a cold and rainy Sunday afternoon. Karen, Ben and Jake take turns. And this is the result. Yikes!

Pete

On your marks, get set, go!

Karen

You find it in Australia and it jumps.

Sue

Kangaroo.

Karen

Yes, um... I don't know what that is. I don't know what that is. It flies and it has the word "dragon" in...

Sue

Dragonfly!

Ben

That's cheating! You're not allowed to say any words from it.

Sue

It's fine. It's good.

Karen

It's a type of dog that looks a bit like a cloud. It's puffy -

Sue

A poodle.

Karen

Yes. Um, his name is Bob and he's a builder.

Pete

Oh...

[PETE and SUE feign concentration]

Sue

Bob the Builder!

Karen

Yes!

Ben

TIME'S UP!

[It's BEN'S turn to describe the words on the cards]

Sue

And... begin.

Ben

Um... something smelly. It covers a baby's bottom and their private bits.

Pete

Nappy.

Ben

Correct.

Pete

Private bits?

Ben

Aaaaahhhh!

Pete

Tarzan.

Ben

Correct. Um...

Karen

You're cheating. You can't do that.

Sue

It is a word game, after all.

Ben

Um... what mummy cooks our dinner in.

Pete

Microwave.

Ben

Correct.

Sue

No, I do NOT! I home cook... take great care over -

Karen

Your time's up.

[Finally, it's JAKE'S turn to play]

Pete

Come on.

Jake

Prime Minister.

Pete

Gordon Brown.

Jake

Yes.

Pete

A little more enthusiasm. Just read them a it faster. It's like you -

Jake

Used to be black and played...

Ben

Michael Jackson.

Jake

...with children.

Pete

Used to be black and played with children? What, like Hoopla and -

Jake

Fat gold guy.

Pete

Goldfinger? David Dickinson?

Jake

He's like a God.

Pete

Who is he?

Jake

Buddha.

Pete

The divine inspiration for hundreds of millions of people? Fat gold guy?

Jake

He's a liar.

Pete

Tony Blair.

Jake

His nose gets big.

Pete

Tony Blair.

Ah, the traditional British Sunday afternoon. Go to the park, get soaked through and get your shoes covered in dog sh*t.

Pete

The British Sunday afternoon up the park. Get soaking wet and get your shoes covered in dog sh*t.

Ofsted. It's an organisation which goes into nurseries, schools and colleges to assess the standard of teaching and attainment. And when they come knocking, it's probably best Ben isn't there.

Sue

Poor Ben. He's always the scapegoat. Do you remember when the inspectors came to the nursery and he got blamed for all that?

Pete

Well, he peed on the inspector's shoes.

Sue

She asked him what he'd learnt today and he'd just learned to wee on his own and he was really proud of it.

The Recorder. A musical instrument. Allegedly. But it's actually a torture device designed to torment parents. And this is perfect for an alarm tone. You won't sleep through this bad boy... guaranteed!

[KAREN plays a song of her own composition, entitled "Song of the Angels" on her recorder]

If I ever get to the age where I'm concerned about the prevalence of moles on my body, please shoot me. Just shoot me. Put me out of my middle-aged misery.

Pete

Do you think I'm getting more moles?

Sue

Oh, hang on. I'll get out last year's "Mole Map."

Pete

Apparently, you should check them every couple of months.

Sue

Do you think you ought to leave that self-diagnosis website alone for a bit? 'Cos the next thing you know you'll be back in front of the mirror, comparing your bollocks again. And... I think that scarred Jake for life.

Pete

Well, we told him not to just come in like that.

A Spanish airport. The Brockman family are facing significant delays. Which leads to them owing a woman a fresh cup of coffee after it's knocked all over them by the bored Brockman boys.

Pete

Did you get that lady her coffee?

Jake

Yep and I got one for me, as well.

Pete

You got yourself a coffee?

Jake

Yeah, a double espresso.

Pete

A double espress -

Jake

You're the one who's telling me to, like... to try new things all the time.

Pete

Yeah, but I meant, you know... vegetables and stuff. Not stimulants. You've never had caffeine before.

Jake

All right, don't get in a state. I only drank half of it.

Pete

Oh. Oh, okay.

Jake

Ben drank the other half.

Pete

You... let Ben drink a double espress -

Ben

It tasted horrible to begin with but then I added five spoonfuls of sugar and now I feel all zingy, zangy, zongy!

Pete

Zingy, zangy, zongy?

Ben

I feel like lightning.

Pete

Oh, my God!

Karen has such a lovely way with words. How many of us wish that, as children, we had accused our own parents of "smelling of pub"?!

Karen

Can I go to Daisy's sleepover?

Pete

No.

Karen

But, why?

Pete

Because sleepovers are the invention of the devil.

Karen

But, you let me go to Alexa's sleepover.

Pete

Yep. And you watched "The Hills Have Eyes" and you didn't sleep for six months. And when we drove down to Bristol, you said the Cotswolds were staring at you.

Karen

But you always go out.

Pete

We haven't been out for... nine months -

Karen

You went out that time not long ago.

Pete

To your parents evening?

Karen

Yes, but when you came in you smelled like pub.

Draxi is a Croatian babysitter called in to mind the Brockman children whilst Sue and Pete go out for a rare date night. And she speaks her mind.

Karen

Do you think Ben's hair looks like a girl? Because that's what Floella said at school.

Draxi

No. Looks like buffalo. Very strong. Very cool. Is this what girl at school say?

[BEN nods]

You no worry, Ben. She's b**ch.

Karen is a force to be reckoned with. She's going to grow up to be a champion at arguing. As Sue is about to discover.

Sue

I don't care, Karen. You shouldn't have done it.

Karen

Well, Ben did it first.

Sue

Well, if Ben stuck his head in the oven, would you do that?

Karen

No, because if Ben's head would be in the oven, there wouldn't be room for mine.

Sue

Karen!

Karen

Besides, I couldn't possibly get my head in the oven without cutting my head off -

Sue

Could you just -

Karen

- and then I'd be dead so I couldn't close the door.

Sue

Do you think you could stop being so cheeky?

Karen

Do you think you could stop asking stupid questions?

Doctor Gillian McKeith. Not really a doctor and had a predilection for looking at people's poo. Yes, really. If you're in any doubt, Google her. Or don't.

Frank

[Flicking through the available channels on the TV]

This is crap. So's that. That really is crap. Good God Almighty. What's that woman doing? Why... why's she staring at the contents of that bloke's toilet?

Jake

That's Doctor Gillian McKeith, Grandad.

Frank

Eh?

Jake

That's what she does. She looks down peoples' toilets.

Frank

Oh, yeah. We had a bloke like that in the army.

If your child draws something, just say that it's lovely. Don't ask what it is. Because if you do, they might just say something like this. And you'll need the number of a good therapist.

Karen

When's Daddy going to be home because I want to show him my picture.

Sue

Ooh, that's nice. What is it?

Karen

This is... Satan. This is Jesus. And this is a zebra. And this is Satan trying to persuade Jesus to jump off the end... the edge of the cliff.

Sue

Well, that's lovely.

When a girl grows up in a household with boys, you can expect certain masculine traits to rub off on her. Like peeing standing up, for example.

Sue

Karen! What are you doing?

Karen

I'm having a wee.

Sue

Can you try not to pee like a boy again, please?

Who knew that refereeing an under-tens football game could lead to such controversy? Certainly not Pete.

[The phone rings and SUE answers it]

Sue

Hello? Oh hi, Ashley. Ben's upstairs. Shall I... oh, okay.

[Whispering to PETE and handing him the phone]

He wants to talk to you.

Pete

Hello, Ashley. Have you phoned to apologise? No, that is where you are wrong actually, Ashley. You can get two red cards in the same game.

Sue

[Whispering]

Pete!

Pete

Well, then your Dad knows the rules about as well as you do.

Sue

[Whispering]

Pete!

Pete

You may think I'm a rubbish referee, Ashley but I personally don't think you're much cop as a goalkeeper.

Sue

Pete!

Pete

Am I? Well, just for the record, Ashley, I think you're a bit of a tosser as well.

Sue

PETE!

Karen knows where babies come from. And now, so does everyone who was shopping at Sainsbury's the previous evening.

Karen

But Grandad was...

Pete

Mummy and I need to have a quick word with Grandad about grown-up stuff, so come on... up you go.

Karen

Is it about how to make a baby?

Pete

No. Up you go.

Karen

Because I can tell you that.

Pete

Yes, we know that. You told us yesterday. In fact, you told most of Sainsbury's.

When neighbours argue at gone eleven o'clock at night, it can keep the entire household awake. That's why buying a detached property is definitely preferable.

[A loud argument is taking place next door]

Ben

I can't sleep. They're making too much noise again next door.

Sue

Well, put a pillow on your head. Actually, no. Don't do that.

Jake

I'll put a pillow over his head.

Sue

Thank you, Jake. Now everybody go to sleep.

Karen has a list. A list of people who have wronged her. A list of people she intends to punish. And Pete has just made it on to that list. Oh dear, Pete. You're in trouble now.

Pete

No, no, no. That is wrong, Karen. You shouldn't keep a list of people you want to punish and you shouldn't take revenge on people.

[KAREN starts to write]

Pete

Because that is a bad thing... what... what are you doing?

Karen

Writing.

Pete

Daddy?

Karen

Yes.

Pete

Well, why have you put my name down there?

Karen

No reason. Just to practice spelling it.

Nicknames for your children can be endearing when they're young. Too young to object or call you less endearing names in return. So don't do it. At least not when they become teenagers.

Pete

Hey, well done, Jakester Mate.

Jake

Thanks, Fartface.

Pete

Don't call me Fartface.

Jake

Well, don't call me "Jakester Mate", then. Fartface.

[JAKE goes out and slams the front door]

The Brockmans have been burgled and now it's time to submit an insurance claim. Which will net them a grand total of £2.59 profit by the time you factor in the insurance excess. Nice!

Pete

I've downloaded the claim form on-line. Amazingly, I've found some receipts. And our total loss is... £302.59.

Sue

Right. What's the excess?

Pete

It's going to be £300 isn't it?

Sue

Uhhhhhh... yep.

Pete

Thank you, Father Christmas!

Karen has constructed a blanket fort under the dining table. And Ben isn't invited. Because he's not a "proper asylum-seeker" and he's not wearing underpants under his trousers.

Karen

Ben's not allowed in. He's not a proper asylum-seeker. And also, he's not wearing any pants under his trousers.

Sue

Ben! Put some pants on.

Ben

What is it with adults and pants?

If you're planning on exaggerating an insurance claim, it's probably best to arrange a visit from the insurance assessor for when your children aren't at home. Not that that's okay. Or even legal.

Sue

Actually, Darling... if a man comes and asks if the gate was left unlocked, it wasn't.

Karen

But it was.

Sue

Well, yes. But don't say it was unlocked.

Karen

But it was!

Pete

Just say it wasn't.

Karen

So, you want me to lie? So, you're always saying, "Don't lie," but now, you're saying, "Do lie." Now you're saying, "Karen, lie."

Sue

Well, how about you just don't say anything?

Karen

But, what if he asks me?

Pete

He won't.

Karen

But what if he does?

Pete

Then just say, "I don't know."

Karen

But I do know. You told me it was unlocked.

Pete

We could have made a mistake.

Karen

Or you could have lied. Because you're lying to the insurance man, now. So, you could be always lying.

Pete

Well, uh...

Karen

So I'll just say that, "Mummy and Daddy said that the gate was locked. But they are big, fat liars."

Home security is Ben's speciality. He's like a curly-haired Kevin McCallister. And if you're popping round to the Brockman's for a barbecue, be careful where you tread in their back garden.

Ben

Can you set wild dogs on burglars?

Pete

No.

Ben

Electrocute the doorknobs to make...

Pete

No.

Ben

Dig traps in the garden.

Pete

No, Ben. You cannot dig tr... you've dug another trap in the garden, haven't you?