15 MP3 Audio clips from The Kevin Bishop Show (2008)

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Kevin Bishop has his impression of Gordon Ramsay down to a T. Yes? The voice, the mannerisms... the irritating way he always slaps the back of his right hand into the palm of his left...

Gordon Ramsay

Hello. I'm Gordon Ramsay. Yes? Top fu*king international superstar chef. Yes? Okay? So if you think you can just turn the channel over and just flick over the channels, then you're fu*king wrong!

Doctor Dolittle talks to the animals. But the animals don't like him. They think he's a pr**k and they don't hesitate in telling him that.

V/O

The new season on BBC2 sees the return of one of fiction's best-loved characters.

Doctor Dolittle

Salutations, sir. A splendiferous day to you.

Horse

What you banging on about, you pr**k?

V/O

It's Unpopular Doctor Dolittle.

Horse

Go on. Fu*king do one.

V/O

Part of the new season on BBC2.

Dog

Fu*k off, you! Woof woof! Fu*k off!

When a doctor discovers a new disease, syndrome or condition, it is often given their name. Which is a shame if their name just happens to be Doctor Smallc*ck.

V/O

In the early twentieth century, as medical science progressed, the race was on to identify new diseases. Doctor Parkinson identified the muscle wasting disease, Doctor Tourette identified his syndrome and Doctor Bell isolated the cause of Bell's Palsy. Soon, every doctor in London wanted to discover and cure his own disease.

Doctor

Would you mind listing your symptoms for me one more time, please?

Patient

Uh, a rash... on my shin. Tiredness, a runny nose and a severe pain in my left side. Hurry, Doctor. It's killing me.

Doctor

Patience.

[Begins to consult a medical text]

Yes! It's just as I thought. You are the first person to have contracted the disease and I am the first doctor to treat it. You'll be famous. And so will I. This terrible disease, a disease which from this day forward shall bear my name.

Patient

But what is it, Doctor? What have I got?

Doctor

You, Sir... have Smallcock Disease.

[The DOCTOR taps the nameplate on his desk which reads "Dr. Smallcock"]

Patient

Ah. Sh*t. I knew I should have gone to Doctor Massivepenis.

Walker's Crisps. Everywhere aside from the UK, they're known as Lay's but that just wouldn't have worked for the purposes of this joke.

V/O

Walken's Crisps.

Christopher Walken

These are my fu*king crisps.

This was somewhat prophetic. If only R. Kelly had seen this sketch and not been such a sick, predatory monster. In this sketch, he's parodied as STD Kelly. Sorry, not sorry.

♪

STD Kelly

Girl, you're a hundred percent,

as long as you are over the age of consent.

Now I'm gonna send you to heaven above,

but these are the steps to making legal love.

Step 1: Turn the lights down low.

Step 2: Just let yourself go.

Step 3: Check the girl's ID.

Step 4: Check a second ID.

Step 5: Uh, photocopy that ID.

Step 6: Post a copy to yourself.

Step 7: Post a copy to the feds.

And that is the way you make sweet love-a-love.

V/O

That's right guys. There's no need to be going to prison. Listen to my words.

STD Kelly

She's legal. She's legal. Yes, she's legal.

♪

Film 4. It's a subsidiary of Channel 4 in the UK, showcasing some of the very best mainstream and niche movies from around the world. So this could happen.

V/O

Continuing the Film 4 pun season this Saturday, it's Bridget Jones's Diarrhoea.

The Daily Mail is a notoriously right-wing British newspaper who used to give away free DVDs to boost its sales. Not this, exactly, but not far off.

V/O

Free with tomorrow's Daily Mail, your own DVD to keep. "Classic Movie Twists Completely Given Away." Featuring clips from the classics including Brad Pitt in Fight Club.

Tyler Durden

First rule of Fight Club, don't talk about Fight Club. Second rule of Fight Club, I don't actually exist and I'm a figment of your imagination.

Protagonist

What, so you mean I'm -

Tyler Durden

Yeah. Sorry. You're a mental.

V/O

Bruce Willis in the Sixth Sense.

Cole Sear

The thing is... I see dead people.

Doctor Malcolm Crowe

I know. I'm dead as well. Don't... tell your mom, though.

V/O

And Kevin Spacey in The Usual Suspects.

Agent Kujan

I'm only gonna ask you this once. Who's Keyser Soze? Who's Keyser Soze?

Keaton

Uh, it's me, actually. I kind of made a few things up, as well.

V/O

That's "Classic Movie Twists Completely Given Away" free with tomorrow's Daily Mail.

Ross Kemp. He once played Grant Mitchell in the BBC soap opera Eastenders and he now has a reputation for being a hard man. Is it true? Er, probably not. No.

Ross Kemp

I'm Ross Kemp. Today, I'm looking at something so horrifying that even a straight down the line, no fu*king nonsense, "could have been in the Paras if I'd wanted to" hard man like myself, has trouble stomaching. That's right. Welcome to my new series, "Ross Kemp on the Toilet."

[Grunts loudly]

Get out and walk!

Jonathan Ross is a British TV presenter most famous for having a speech impediment which makes pronouncing the letter R almost impossible. But let's not hold that against him.

Jonathan Ross

Hello and welcome to Film 2008. Tonight, the director's cut of Indecent Proposal shows Wobert Wedford in a far more wealistic light.

John

I'm gonna give you one million dollars for one night with your wife.

David

A million dollars?

Diana

Really? That's a... whole lot of money for one night.

David

A million bucks just to sleep with her.

John

To sleep with her?

[Laughs]

Hell, no. I could get anyone I wanted for much less.

David

Well, what exactly do you have in mind?

John

Well, I... uh, do intend to have a go on her. But first I want to play some pee-pee and poo-poo games.

David

Oh.

Diana

What?

John

Yeah. I like to play toilet. And I want you to dress up like a nun while you spank my white ass for being a dirty bird. And then, I want you to, uh... wash my dinky while speaking in an Italian accent. "Oh, my God. I'm-a washing your balls, I'm-a washing your balls." Something along those lines. Then I want you both to pretend to be my sheep while I dress as Bo Peep.

[Bleats like a sheep]

Why don't we try that?

[Bleats like a sheep]

Come on, guys. Let's give it a go.

[Bleats like a sheep]

It's a million bucks at stake here.

[Bleats like a sheep]

A Badminton game in Hong Kong where the players are King and Wan. Wan and King. Wan... King. Wa*king. Get it? Wa*king? Yeah.

Commentator

Getting tense now at the Hong Kong Badminton Final. It's King to serve. King... Wan... King... Wan... King... Wan... King... oh.

Umpire

Service over.

Some things are said in jest and are probably best left that way. I mean, if your boyfriend says something like this about your Nan, it's definitely better that you don't tell her. No question.

Girlfriend

And if you go for the two weeks, then there's an option to do this workshop that teaches you about assertiveness and how to be confident without being pushy and things like that.

Darren

Sounds awful.

Girlfriend

No, but it's in the Cotswolds. So it'd be really nice and we could go for walks and things.

Darren

Well, I would say yes, Darling but quite frankly, I'd rather be tit-wa*ked to death by your Nan -

Girlfriend

[Laughs]

Fair enough.

[Her mobile phone starts ringing]

Oop!

[She answers the call]

Hello? Oh hi, Nan! That's funny... we were just talking about you. Yeah, well Darren was saying how he'd rather be tit-wa*ked to death by you than go to the Cotswolds with me.

[Laughs]

Girl

Yeah, okay. Here he is.

[Hands the phone to DARREN]

See what they did here? You've seen The Italian Job, right? Well, imagine if "The Doors" was, in fact, Jim Morrison's band. Yeah. Changes things slightly, right?!

Jonathan Ross

Not a lot of people know this but Michael Caine was actually in a previously unseen film playing a sixties-style pimp. Let's take a look at the clip.

Michael Caine

Bloody hell, Marie... where you been? Each client only gets an hour with you. I've got loads of popstars waiting for ya. You're my number one girl.

Marie

I know. What was I supposed to do? That's The Beatles in there. I just sucked off The Beatles.

Michael Caine

The Beatles? But you're only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off!

David Starkey is a renowned and respected English historian but in this parody of his work, he suggests that famous figures from history were, in fact, gay.

David Starkey

This... is Sir Winston Churchill. From this picture, it's clear to me that he loves it in the rusty sheriff's badge.

Imagine if Gordon Ramsay brought his candid, honest, no-holds-barred presentation style to a show like How to Look Good Naked. Imagining that? Well, no need. Here it is.

Gordon Ramsay

Hi. I'm Gordon Ramsay. And this is How to Look Good Naked, yes? I look fu*king marvellous in the buff, yes? But what about women? Some women are fat, yes? Like this one here.

Woman

Hi, Gordon.

Gordon Ramsay

How you doin', big boy? Let's have a look at you.

[He rips the WOMAN'S dress off her]

Christ! Your tits... are sh*t.

It's News 25. A fictional news station broadcasting ludicrous stories such as this one. Communicable Dyslexia? Hmm. And it's spreading fast. It's a real pandemic.

Male Anchor

And news just in... a dyslexia outbreak in the Gloucester region which government officials claimed had been contained, now appears to have spread to all parts of the bumtree.

Female Anchor

Locals have blamed a new meat fu*king pactory in nearby Felchingham. Others blame a massive wa*ker which overturned on the M5, spilling its load of contaminated jizzy frinks.

Male Anchor

Officials are urging the pubic not to panic. Slydicksea is a speech pisorder and not fatal. If you exrepience spymtoms, ask your GP and drink plenty of flesh fluids.

Female Anchor

So far, cases have been retorted in Shitchister and Cocksford with several puscected cases in Pisswich, Twatford and Bollockingham.

Male Anchor

The dickslezzo outbreak there. Well, that's it from us. Until nuttorow... good sh*te.

Female Anchor

Fu*king jizz bangs.