7 MP3 Audio clips from The Wedding Ringer (2015)

PLAY ALL 7 CLIPS

Clip 1

Paige is planning her wedding down to the finest detail. We know what that's like, huh guys? All that's going on in Doug's head is elevator music. Until the father of the bride says this.

Paige

Mom and I narrowed it down to the silver tulle tussie-mussie, which is an exact replica of the 1950s Texan Tussie-Mussie. Or we have our Trés Beau with its golden floral etching, enhanced in a smoky-silver tone.

Ed

Does anyone else feel really fu*king gay right now?

Lois

Ed!

Clip 2

Jimmy needs a pseudonym for the wedding. Luckily, Doug has already come up with one. Sadly, it's... well... it's awful. Bic Mitchum. Can Jimmy pull that off? You bet your ass he can!

Jimmy

What's my name?

Doug

Jimmy.

Jimmy

No, my name. I'm assuming you made up a name for me. What is it?

Doug

Oh, I thought it was a trick question. It's Bic. Bic Mitchum.

Jimmy

Do I wear a fu*king cape? Bic Mitchum?

Doug

It was an act of desperation.

Jimmy

Bic. Hey, ladies, what's going on? My name is Bic and I got the d*ck.

Doug

What's happening right now?

Jimmy

I'm Bic Mitchum. Hey, you put that down and if someone asks you who said it, you tell them Bic Mitchum said it. What do you mean that there's no more candy? I'm Bic Mitchum and I love candy. I'm Bic. Where da pu**y at?

Doug

What?

Jimmy

Fu*k you!

Doug

Wait.

Jimmy

Fu*k you, man!

Doug

No, Bic can't have these -

Jimmy

- Bic Mitchum can have whatever the fu*k he wants! Bic, Bic, Bic, Bic, Bic, Bic. All right.

Clip 3

It gets worse. Bic Mitchum... the fictional Bic Mitchum... is a priest. Yes. A priest. There'll be no boom-boom with the bridesmaids at this wedding. He's a man of the cloth. And Jimmy is not happy.

Jimmy

How did we meet?

Doug

Uh, freshman year, Stanford.

Jimmy

That means I'm smart. Sh*t. Where am I from?

Doug

I never said.

Jimmy

North Dakota.

Doug

Why North Dakota?

Jimmy

Do you know anybody in North Dakota?

Doug

No.

Jimmy

Nobody does. What do I do?

Doug

You're in the military.

Jimmy

That a boy. See, now you're thinking. No address, no phone number. And chicks dig the uniform sh*t. It's going to be like shooting fish in a barrel.

Doug

Actually, I, uh, I don't think you're going to be shooting any fish in this particular barrel.

Jimmy

An Army guy that's the best man not hitting on the bridesmaids? They'll think I'm a homosexual.

Doug

Well, actually...

Jimmy

Well, actually, what? You told them I'm a homosexual, Doug?

Doug

No. No, not that, per se.

Jimmy

What, per se, Doug? Tell me.

Doug

Bic Mitchum is actually Father Bic Mitchum.

Jimmy

You told them I'm a fu*king priest, Doug?

Doug

Well, actually, it was Gretchen who said it.

Jimmy

You told Gretchen I'm a fu*king priest, Doug?

Doug

No. Gretchen said...

Jimmy

There was nothing else that popped into your head?

Doug

At the time I thought it was a really smart idea.

Jimmy

A fu*king priest?

Doug

But now I can see that it's going to upset you.

Jimmy

A fu*king priest? Fu*k! Fu*k, sh*t, b**ch, d*ck, ass!

Doug

No. No, you can't.

Jimmy

Oh, well, I have to get them all out now because I'm a fu*king priest and I can't cuss around your family, Doug. Fu*k!

Doug

Oh, come on.

Jimmy

That's the last one.

Clip 4

Establishing a convincing back-story is important for a man like Jimmy. And he doesn't have much to work with, here. So he does his best. And it's painful. Truly painful.

Jimmy

You guys have to understand that I come from a very dark past. And by dark, of course I'm referring to my drug use. I was on everything. At one point, the only good vein I had was between my toes. Crystal meth. I'm not sure if any of you guys can relate to it. Grandma, I've seen your teeth. Maybe you can, or can't. But the Lord says, "Don't judgeth upon what happens, but what happens upon what can't be judged." Which means, yes, I may have been to a point where I was sucking d*ck for money. But that day... that day when I woke up face down in that snowbank, I didn't know where I was. I didn't even know who I was. And I remember squinting because I was... I was being blinded by this bright light. I couldn't see a thing. And when I finally opened my eyes, I saw Jesus.

Paige

You saw Jesus?

Jimmy

Oh, I saw Jesus. He was in Mary's arms in the nativity scene at St. Michael's. And I wept. But they weren't tears of pain. These were tears of joy. From having found my path, of course.

Alison

So, Father...

Jimmy

Call me Bic, please.

Alison

What made you decide to go into the military?

Jimmy

Mmm. That's a great question. Some people are called on to serve God. Others are called to serve our country. Those who are chosen to serve both, they're called Army chaplains. I got a two-way call from the big fellow himself.

Ed

A priest in the military.

Jimmy

Yeah.

Ed

It's interesting. Do they have a "don't ask, don't tell" policy on child molesting?

Paige

Dad!

Jimmy

[Laughs]

Clip 5

Kip is one of Doug's hired groomsmen. And he is a former inmate of a federal prison. Where he raped a lot of men. Yes, you read that correctly. And you'll understand why Doug is less than happy.

Doug

Jimmy, can I talk to you for a second? These guys cannot be my groomsmen.

Jimmy

What are you talking about?

Doug

Well, for one thing, it looks like the entire cast of Goonies grew up and became rapists. This one in particular looks like he just broke out of a federal fu*king prison.

Jimmy

What you need to do is keep it down because he did. And he raped a lot of men in there. Yes.

Doug

Oh, my God. Oh, Jesus.

Clip 6

Ed has organised a little groomsmen vs. old men football game as a "get to know you" thing. But there's an ulterior motive. Ed wants to bury these punks.

Ed's Friend

Are you sure you can handle going both ways?

Ed

I heard Doug enjoys that.

Doug

What?!

[The game commences with gusto]

Clip 7

When it's your daughter's wedding, you want everything to be perfect. No hiccups. And if that means threatening to fu*k up the wedding planner, then so be it.

Ed

I expect... no, I demand perfection.

Edmundo

Yes, Mister Palmer, I assure you...

Ed

Listen, Menudo, first you tell me my family priest is a goddamn pervert. Now you tell me Father McNulty has disappeared.

Edmundo

Mister Palmer, I'll take care of this.

Ed

You better or I will fu*k you up.