20 MP3 Audio clips from Season 1 of Man Stroke Woman (2005)

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Breaking up is hard to do. Sometimes it leaves you speechless. Literally.

Man

I can't believe this is happening.

Woman

Yeah, I know. I know.

Man

We... we had some great times, right?

Woman

Oh, yeah, great times.

Man

[Mumbling whilst crying]

Woman

Sorry?

Man

[Mumbling whilst crying]

Woman

I'm a transformer?

Man

[Mumbling whilst crying]

Woman

Former?

Man

[Mumbling whilst crying]

Woman

Feather?

Man

[Agitated mumbling]

Woman

Forever?

Man

Yeah!

[Mumbling whilst crying]

Woman

You will attack me with your robot army forever?

Man

Nooo!

When your dog is put on a special diet by your vet, you'd better follow the advice. Because if you don't, there's a chance your beloved pet might just explode.

Man

Oooh. Oh, yes that's a good boy.

Woman

What are you doing?

Man

I'm watching telly. What does it look like?

Woman

Don't be sarcastic.

[Into phone]

Uh-huh.

[To BOYFRIEND]

Did you read the sheet?

Man

What sheet?

Woman

His diet sheet. The vet said it was really important.

Man

I think I know how to feed a dog properly.

Woman

What is it with you and instructions?

[Into phone]

Yeah.

Man

A dog is a dog. If he doesn't like it, he is not gonna eat it.

Woman

Well, the vet said to me...

Man

Oh, the vet said, the vet said. He's all right, look at him. Ain't ya, boy, eh? You're all right, ain't ya? Ain't ya?

[Dog whines briefly and then explodes sending blood and entrails all over the kitchen]

Man

I'd better have a look at that.

Being a doctor means learning how to deliver bad news to patients. Managing their expectations and their reactions. And honesty is really important. I'll say that again. Honesty is REALLY important.

Doctor

We have had your test results. May I be blunt with you?

Patient

No.

Doctor

Right. Well... everything is fine. You're not gonna die.

Patient

Oh, that's brilliant. Thank you. Bye.

Doctor

Bye-bye.

A poet reading from his latest anthology in a packed bookstore. What could go wrong? It's poetry about love. Forbidden love, to be precise.

Host

Reading from his new anthology, I'm very excited to welcome here onto this stage, Mr. Julian Ramon.

[Applause]

Girlfriend

That's my boyfriend.

Julian

Erm, this one's called To The One I Love. "Her lips are like roses, her hair flows like wine, her skin is so soft, and her eyes are divine. I ache to be with her, I long for her touch. I love my dear mummy, I love her too much."

[Man coughs]

Girlfriend

It's probably just a metaphor.

Julian

"Her body's a castle I dare not invade, her bottom's a bank I'm forbidden to raid. Society's prison, oh, when will I be free? Oh, when will it be just my mummy and me?"

[Scattered applause and whispering]

This next piece is called Daddy's Sack of Love.

If you're going to make lude, offensive and sexist comments about an attractive woman in public, it's probably best NOT to do that with your partner and mother of your child beside you.

Man

Look at the bangers on that! I can't believe what I'm seeing.

[Groans]

One, two, tit pie. Uh! I'm eating that, I'm gonna eat that up. Unbelievable! I wouldn't mind hanging out the back of her. Ooh. Yes, yes, yes! Ohh!

Woman

Were you checking her out?

Man

[Chuckles]

Don't be so paranoid.

There's nothing worse than a nervous flyer. No, actually, I take that back. There is. A friend who doesn't know what an aeroplane is, why he's on one and what it's about to do. Definitely worse.

[MAN 1 is fastening his seat belt]

Man 2

What are you doing?

Man 1

Seat belt.

Man 2

What? What for?

Man 1

Well, it's safety, innit?

Man 2

What?

Man 1

The light's come on, you've got to put your... your seat belt on.

Man 2

What? Well, when... when did this start off?

Man 1

What, seat belts?

Man 2

She's got no seat belt.

Man 1

Stop pointing.

Man 2

Looks pretty sh*t.

Man 1

Just standard safety procedure when you're on board an aeroplane.

Man 2

What the fu*k is an aeroplane?

Man 1

You've seen an aeroplane before.

Man 2

[Laughs]

What? No, I haven't.

Man 1

Yeah, yeah, you have. It's what, it's what we are on, now. Takes off in the sky. Goes to different countries.

Man 2

Do I look like an idiot?

[The aircraft spools its engines and commences take-off roll]

Man 2

Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa hang on. Hang on. What's happ...? Sweet baby Jesus, what's happening now? Ahh! Ahhh! Ahhhh! Make it stop, you fat fu*k! Ahhhh!

They say that marriage changes people. That they make less effort once they're man and wife. And, in this case, that change becomes apparent even at the altar.

Claire

There is and never has been any other man for me, Robert, and I promise to love you and go on loving you until the day I die.

Robert

Claire, I can't tell you how happy you've made me.

Priest

I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss your bride.

Claire

So, this is it, we're really married now, yeah?

Priest

In the eyes of the Lord, yes.

Claire

Brilliant.

[Farts]

Oh, yes! I've been holding that in for four years.

I'm not condoning this sort of behaviour but I appreciate its genius. Of course, it's going to spell the end of a friendship but at least Neil got to fondle Vicky's tits. I guess.

Neil

Hi, Vicky, is Simon in?

Vicky

He's just having a shower.

Neil

Oh, how was Torremolinos?

Vicky

Oh, it was great, yeah.

Neil

It's good, innit? I don't know why it's got the reputation it has. I've never noticed before, you've got absolutely fantastic breasts.

Vicky

What?

Neil

What?

Vicky

Oh! Erm... thank you.

Neil

I'd love to touch them.

Vicky

I beg your pardon?

Neil

You know, just one of them actually. I bet they feel lovely. I'll give you a hundred quid.

Vicky

Simon's just upstairs.

Neil

I'm not gonna tell Simon. I'll put it there.

[NEIL places the cash on the coffee table]

Vicky

Right, go on then, if you're quick.

[NEIL sighs and begins fondling VICKY'S right breast]

Neil

Just, er... Ooh. Oh, that... that's nice.

Vicky

Is it?

Neil

Yeah. That's lovely. That's, uh... ooh. Oh, yeah, that's smashing. That's... that's yours. Yeah, I know, me and Kerry went to Torremolinos a couple of years ago. I couldn't believe how packed it was. I'm sorry, it's no use, I'm gonna have to touch the other one now.

Vicky

What?

Neil

I'll give you another hundred. There's... there's the goods.

[NEIL places more money on the coffee table]

Vicky

Yeah.

Neil

Okay. Just... oh, yeah. That's... that's quality. Lovely, yeah. What was the weather like?

Vicky

Erm, er, it was great.

Neil

Smashing, yeah. Ooh, I better go.

Vicky

But, uh... Simon's just...

Neil

See ya.

Vicky

...coming down.

Simon

Who was that?

Vicky

Er, oh, yeah, no, that was, that was Neil. He, erm, he wanted to see you but then he had to go.

Simon

Did he bring that two hundred pound he owes me?

What is it about first-time parents that they have to extol the virtues of parenthood to anyone who will listen? I mean kids are wonderful but not everyone wants one. So just stop it. STOP IT!

Party Guest

She is gorgeous.

Smug Mother

Oh, thank you. She's our first.

Smug Father

Do you have children of your own?

Party Guest

Er, me? No, no... I don't have.

Smug Mother

Oh, my god. Why not? You should do. When I see a woman like you, you should have kids.

Party Guest

Oh... well, it's just not for me.

Smug Mother

Oh, no, you really should. They make all the difference, you know.

Smug Father

They are wonderful.

Party Guest

Okay, maybe, yes. It's just, mmm, it's just, no, I'm not, I'm not going to.

Smug Mother

Every single woman should be a mother, so...

Smug Father

We believe it to be the big man's plan.

Smug Mother

We do, don't we?

Party Guest

Well, it's not for me.

Smug Mother

I dunno why not? Why not?

Party Guest

Because there's something wrong with my twat. If you wanna take a peek, it's right there.

Smug Father

Good day to you.

When you come home from work and your little girl is waiting to greet you, you expect a heart-warming interaction with your offspring. You certainly don't expect... well, this!

Man

Hello.

Daughter

[Singing]

Daddy is a twat, daddy has no friends. Daddy is a twat, daddy has no friends.

Man

Who taught her to sing that?

It's the announcement nobody wants to hear in-flight. A call for a passenger with experience as a pilot to make themselves known. But not Alex. No. Alex is on holiday.

Stewardess

[Over the public address system]

Ladies and gentlemen, there's no need for alarm, but if there is anyone on board who holds a current pilot's licence or, indeed, has any experience of flying an aeroplane of any sort, could they please make themselves known to a member of the cabin crew? Thank you.

Joanne

Alex, you're a pilot, you've been flying 747s for years. Why don't you go give them a hand?

Alex

Joanne, I'm on holiday.

[Alarm blaring, engines whining and passengers screaming as the oxygen masks deploy]

These two have been going at it like a sewing machine in a quiet country lane. He doesn't know that she's actually a prostitute. And she doesn't know that he's actually a taxi driver.

Man

Unbelievable. Unbelievable. I cannot believe it. We only just met, you know. There was the crackle in the air and bada-bing, you know. We were straight at it. I have never pulled such a fit bird.

Woman

Ahh, ok. I hate to burst your bubble, buddy, but I'm a, I'm a working girl.

Man

I hear what you're saying, you know. We've all got to put corn on the table, yeah?

Woman

Yeah. Er, I'm a, I'm a prostitute.

Man

Oh.

Woman

That'll be twenty quid.

Man

Oh, yeah. Well... if we're being honest with one another, I'm actually a... mini-cab driver. And to get you back to town from here is, well, probably twenty-five quid. So... why don't you just gimme a, gimme a fiver?

[Speaking into his radio as he pulls away]

Roger, rog.

It's one thing to have a soundtrack to make love to. I mean that's pretty normal. But when you create a song yourself to narrate your efforts? No. That's definitely not normal. It's positively creepy.

Woman

Oh, wow, you've got so much equipment.

Man

Yeah, do you mind if I put some music on?

Woman

Oh, no, please do, yeah.

Man

Okay. Um, this is something I put together myself.

Woman

Brilliant.

[Tender music plays]

V/O

The music starts. The lights are off. Are we ready? Are we ready? Are we ready? Break it down. Mike makes love. He likes to make love. He winks at her. She loves it. She purrs.

Woman

[Purrs and giggles]

V/O

He touches her breast. It feels good. It's made his winky go bigger. His winky is bigger.

Woman

Oh. Oh, yep.

V/O

Now Mike's gonna cum. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

Woman

Oh, there we go, there we go.

[Music stops]

V/O

Thanks a lot for that.

Woman

Huh?

V/O

Mike is sleeping now. Please make your way from the house quietly. This is a residential area. Bye-bye.

A chance meeting in the street with an old flame can go one of two ways. Three if you count this abomination. Jesus, man. What were you thinking? No. No. Don't tell me. I don't want to know.

Woman

Johnny! How are you? Johnny, are you ok?

Johnny

Oh, sorry. Sorry, yeah.

Woman

You do remember me, don't you?

Johnny

Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God, I haven't seen you in ages and I was just...

Woman

What?

Johnny

Oh, no, no, no, it's silly.

Woman

Go on.

Johnny

I thought about you when I was wa*king this morning.

Security guards. Wannabe police officers? Children at heart? Not sure. What I do know is that this is probably the sort of thing they say to each other all the time.

Security Guard 1

Bravo Zulu Nine.

Security Guard 2

Bravo Zulu Nine receiving.

Security Guard 1

Yeah, er, just to confirm I've a walkie-talkie over.

Security Guard 2

Roger. Er, I also have a walkie-talkie.

Security Guard 1

Roger that. We are the fu*king boys. Over and out.

Satnavs are becoming more and more sophisticated. Voice recognition, AI... pretty soon it'll be like having an invisible passenger in the car. One very much like your wife.

Satnav

Hello, where would you like to go today?

Driver

Er, Leeds.

Satnav

Please.

Driver

Please.

Satnav

Go to the end of the road and turn left. Er, right. I meant right. At roundabout take the second exit.

Driver

Roundabout? There is no roundabout.

Satnav

Don't raise your voice at me.

Driver

I'm not, I'm... I'm just saying...

Satnav

I can't concentrate when you shout at me. Don't walk away when I'm talking to you. Don't you dare walk away when I'm talking to you. Bastard.

Let's be frank here, shall we? All men have tried it at least once. But to join a yoga class just to become flexible enough to... you know... I'm pretty sure that doesn't happen.

Girlfriend

Did David tell you, he's started doing yoga?

Friend

No, he didn't. That's a bit new-age for you, isn't it, mate?

David

I just feel amazing, you know. I feel alert, relaxed. I just wish I'd done it years ago.

Girlfriend

I'll get another bottle of wine.

Friend

So can you suck your own c*ck?

David

Why do you think I'm doing it?

Friend

Oh, that is so brilliant.

Girlfriend

What?

Is there anything worse than hearing a flatmate having loud sex in an adjoining room? Probably. I just can't think of anything more awkward at this precise moment.

Flatmate 1

Hiya, morning. How did your date with Nick go?

Flatmate 2

Yeah, it was brilliant.

Flatmate 1

Good. Did you go out for dinner somewhere?

Flatmate 2

Yeah, we did, we had Italian.

Flatmate 1

Then did you come back here for some coffee?

Flatmate 2

Yes.

Flatmate 1

And then... and then did you, um... did you... did you have sex?

Flatmate 2

Well, it's...

Flatmate 1

I meant, erm, and then did you go...

[Intensifying moans]

"Oh, my goodness, oh, my goodness! Oh, my sweet... oh, God, yes, yes!"

[Squeals and barks]

"I like it, I like it, I really, really like it. Permission to come aboard? Permission granted, Captain Sex. Oh! Ahh! Ahh! You're the love train and I'm the tunnel. Choo, choo, choo, choo! Ahh!!"

Flatmate 2

Did you hear us?

Flatmate 1

Did I hear you? Yeah. Yeah, I could hear you. Yeah. "You're the love train and I'm the tunnel. Choo, choo, choo. Choo."

A cold is not just a cold when you're a man. No. It's far worse. It's a "man cold" and the primary symptom is an inability to put your big-boy pants on and get on with it.

Laura

John, I still feel a bit under the weather, how are you feeling?

John

How'd you think I feel? I've got your stupid cold, haven't I? Thanks a lot.

Laura

Poor darling. You should have said something. I'd have come down and made you some soup.

John

I called for you. I said... "Laura. Laura!" But you didn't come. So I dialled 999.

[Sound of approaching siren]

Laura

What?

[PARAMEDIC comes through the front door]

Paramedic

Where is he? Quickly, love. Okay, son, everything's going to be fine.

John

I'm gonna die.

Paramedic

Not if we can help it.

John

My head's so burny.

Paramedic

How did this happen?

Laura

Er, he caught the cold off me.

Paramedic

You just don't think, do you?

Laura

I'm... I'm a bit confused, hasn't he just got a cold?

Paramedic

For God's sake, woman, he's a man, he's got a man cold. Do not under any circumstances move from this bed, okay?

[To LAURA]

You. Take this bell. When he rings it, I want you to come to him and rub his head and say, "Poor little bunny."

Laura

Poor little bunny.

Paramedic

Okay, that's good. Let's go. We've got a man in Canter Avenue with a hurty knee.

Laura

Er, sorry, sorry, what about me?

Paramedic

What?

Laura

I... I've got a cold, too.

Paramedic

[Mocking LAURA]

"I've got a cold!" Have you not heard of lemsip?

Resuscitating an unresponsive patient is the definition of frustration. Especially when your colleague makes up drug names as she goes along. Hydropodine Sulphate? Hmm. But, I digress...

[Heart monitor beeping]

Registrar

Two mils of hydropodine sulphate.

Nurse

Here.

Mike

Check the pulse.

Registrar

Can you hear me, Sarah? Stay with us now, stay with us.

Mike

Check the pulse.

Nurse

I think you're losing her.

Registrar

Stay with us, Sarah, come on now.

Nurse

It's not working.

Registrar

Christ, Mike, I don't know what else we can do.

[Monitor flatlines]

Mike

There's only one thing left we can try. It's experimental but it might just work. I'm gonna cum on her tits.