29 MP3 Audio clips from This Is Going to Hurt (2022)

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A transverse baby with a cord prolapse. It's every parent and every obstetrician's worst nightmare. Well, apart from Shoulder Dystocia. That beats it hands-down. But we'll come back to that later.

Andrea

IT'S COMING OUT! IT'S COMING OUT!

Adam

Well, stroke of luck. You've come to the right place. Let's get you up to labour ward, shall we? It's, erm, a bit of a walk, I'm afraid. But, uh... do... do you mind if I have a quick check? I'm a doctor. Probably should have said. I'm Adam. And you are...?

Andrea

Andrea.

Adam

Andrea. Okay. Okay, Andrea, so, erm, baby's arm has come out.

Andrea

That is normal?

Adam

[To camera]

Take a wild guess.

[To ANDREA]

Baby is lying sideways. Do you understand that? Sideways? So you need a Caesarean section.

Andrea

Oh, Caesarean.

Adam

I've got a scalpel in my back pocket. You'll be fine. Shall we go?

Andrea

Yeah.

Adam

Yep?

[For some reason best known to himself, ADAM decides to take ANDREA up to the Labour Ward in a Paternoster Lift. Because, clearly, a transverse baby with a cord prolapse just doesn't present enough jeopardy for him]

When I say so, we're going to jump out of the lift.

Andrea

Are you a real doctor?

Adam

Fair question. Though, strangely, one you've asked me after you showed me your vagina.

Yes. This is a real nickname for the Obstetrics & Gynaecology departments of hospitals in the UK. Sorry but it's true.

Adam

This is Obs & Gynae. Also known as "Brats & Twats."

There's no impressing the Consultant, Mr. Lockhart. He is... well, fairly typical of a Consultant to be honest. Apologies to any Consultants out there but... you know it's true!

Adam

I don't know if you heard, there was a massive cord prolapse before. Erm, crash section. Got the baby out in ninety seconds.

Mr. Lockhart

I heard that you rocked up ten minutes late, nearly killed a patient in the maintenance lift, then did a Caesarean section in casualwear.

Adam

It was more that I took a short cut.

Mr. Lockhart

Doctors aren't meant to take short cuts, Adam. Remember when I asked you to be an acting registrar? Can you try acting like a bloody registrar? I'll be in my office if you need me, which I strongly suggest you won't.

Tracy is a no-nonsense Midwife. And, like all good Midwives, she won't tolerate any nonsense from doctors. Even those entrusted as acting Registrars.

Tracy

There he is!

Adam

Ward round, Trace?

Tracy

Can I ask you something personal, darling?

Adam

Is it, "Why do you look like sh*t this morning?"

Tracy

I wasn't going to ask it like that.

Adam

I slept in my car last night.

Tracy

Well, it must be hard maintaining a relationship, what with your job... and your personality.

Adam

[To camera]

Tracy's the head Midwife on today. I'd let her sew up my sister's perineum... which sounds weird, now that I've said it, but it's actually the highest compliment I can give.

It's true that doctors speak in code. It's a bit like medical rhyming slang. A way of communicating with colleagues without patients knowing what's being said or written about them.

Adam

Pop downstairs and review Mrs Buckstar quickly.

[To camera]

Doctors speak a lot of code, so it's "Epididymo Orchitis" rather than "gammy c*ck and balls", "Review Mrs Buckstar"... "Go to Starbucks."

Shruti

Which ward is Mrs Buckstar in?

Tracy

He wants you to get him a fancy coffee without me knowing. Milk and one sugar for me, please.

Shruti is about to perform her first forcep delivery. And the first rule of Forcep Delivery Club is... never let the patients see the forceps.

Adam

Never actually let the patient see the forceps. The only people happy with two-foot-long metal salad tongs inserted in their vaginas are people who aren't aware that there are two-foot-long metal salad tongs inserted in their vaginas.

When you ask an expectant mother how many weeks she is, you assume that she'll know you're referring to the pregnancy... not her.

Adam

So, remind me, how many weeks are you?

Erika

Oh, God, I hate maths. I couldn't even tell you in months. Er... erm, okay, let's think. So... birthday's in June. I'll be 27... well, it's got to be, like, 2,000 weeks?

Adam

You're 25 weeks.

Erika

Oh! God. Right. You mean the baby!

When you run out of credits on the vending machine which dispenses scrubs, you sometimes have to find something relatively clean in the soiled laundry basket. And that something doesn't always fit.

Mr. Lockhart

You're very intent on showing me your penis today.

Adam

They need to increase the credits on the scrub machine.

Mr. Lockhart

You can practically tell who did your circumcision. Made a right meal of it.

The problem with being a junior doctor is that, quite often, you're trying to study as well as working ridiculously long hours in a hospital. And that's quite a balance to strike.

Adam

Come on, put your GCSE biology down, we've got work to do.

Tracy

Why don't you be a brave boy and go down on your own?

Adam

Excuse me?

Tracy

I'm sure Shruti would like a little bit more time with her textbooks.

Adam

Yeah. And I'd like 85 million pounds and a ten-inch c*ck but you know, can't win them all.

The only problem with the Numeric Rating Scale (NRS) is that what's agony for one patient could be little more than mild stomach ache for another. But it still has its uses... especially for humour.

Civil Partner

Maybe you should listen to what the doctor thinks?

Adam

Can I put a hand on your tummy?

Patient

How cold are they?

Adam

A bit.

Patient

That's good. It means they ain't just been inside another patient then.

Adam

It means they haven't been inside a living patient. Right. How bad's the pain on a scale of zero to ten, where zero is no pain at all and ten is sawing your own leg off... while listening to Michael Bublé?

Patient

Let's say... three.

Sucking up to a Consultant isn't the best way of furthering your medical career. And Mr. Lockhart has heard enough false compliments in his time to identify one at fifty paces.

Julian

Is that a mattress suture, Mr. Lockhart?

Mr. Lockhart

Yes.

Julian

It's very elegant.

Mr. Lockhart

My rectum is clean enough already thank you, Julian.

Older patients can present unique challenges. Some are lovely and appreciative. Some, like Mrs. Winnicka, are sour, cynical and cutting. Which Adam handles perfectly.

Adam

Morning Mrs. Winnicka.

Mrs. Winnicka

Why you bought me this one? I prefer Dr. Julian. Lovely and tall.

Adam

Well, you're stuck with me, I'm afraid. Horrible and short. So any more of that pain in the chest since last night?

Mrs. Winnicka

Why do you care?

Adam

Because it reflects very badly on me if you die.

Mrs. Winnicka

Nobody cares if I die.

Adam

Oh, I don't know. The lion and the wardrobe will probably miss you. Any more of that pain in the chest then?

Mrs. Winnicka

No, no more of that.

Adam

That's good.

What is it with people presenting at A&E with items stuck in orifices they just shouldn't be in? But at least this patient is honest about how it got up there.

Tez

I don't know how it's got so stuck up there, it's... it must of turned around on itself or it must be sitting on some kind of ledge or something.

Adam

And there's no way you can tell me what it is?

Tez

Oh, no, no, no. I want it to be a surprise for Carl.

Carl

We're always surprising each other.

Tez

Yeah, he'd have got it out himself if he didn't have such stubby fingers.

Carl

It's same with me whole family you know, practically toes.

Adam

Right. Let's, ah, have a look, shall we?

[To camera]

What you reckon? Bottle of Pernod? A gear stick from a Vauxhall Corsa? Selection of baklava?

[ADAM inserts a pair of forceps into TEZ'S vagina and pulls out the foreign body]

That's ten points to anyone who guessed Kinder Egg.

[ADAM starts to dispose of the offending article]

Tez

Eh, no, no no! Don't throw it away. Carl, open it.

[CARL opens the Kinder Egg to find an engagement ring inside]

Tez

Carl Morecambe, will you marry me?

Adam

Say yes, mate. If that's what she does with a Kinder egg, God knows what she'd do to you if you say no.

Carl

Of course, I will, Tez.

Adam

Congratulations.

An Ovarian Torsion is a potentially life-threatening condition requiring immediate surgical intervention. Except when your patient doesn't have one and you only discover that during a laparoscopy.

Adam

Fu*k!

Sister

If you wouldn't mind watching your language in theatre, please, doctor.

Adam

Sorry, sister. Fu*k! Jesus fu*king H. Christ!

Adam has yet to tell his mother that he's gay. So he and Harry decide to break the news over a nice dinner. Sadly, it doesn't quite go the way they planned.

Harry

Fu*king hell. The handshakes.

Adam

To be fair, she always used to give me a nice hug when she dropped me off at school. And a note saying, "Have a successful term."

Harry

I'm normally great with mums. It's a shame you were late.

Adam

Well, I can't do half a Caesarean, can I?

Harry

I know. It's just... it wasn't quite, "We'll tell her over a nice dinner," was it?

Adam

Oh, she's known ever since she caught me wa*king off to He-Man.

In terms of triage, the quiet patients get priority. Because if they're shouting, screaming or telling you to fu*k off in four different languages, chances are they're not terminal.

Adam

What's wrong with her, then?

Staff Nurse

I couldn't tell you.

Adam

Is there someone who could?

Staff Nurse

She's obviously in pain, but she won't let us look. She's being... obstructive.

Adam

Meaning?

Staff Nurse

Meaning she told me to fu*k off in four different languages.

Adam

Sounds like she's okay to me.

Attending the funeral of a patient is not usually considered appropriate or professional. But in the case of one Mrs. Winnicka, Adam feels that it's the right thing to do.

Adam

I had a patient die today. Someone... you know, someone I really cared for.

Mr. Lockhart

Well, you can't have cared for her that well if she died.

Adam

I thought I might go to her funeral.

Mr. Lockhart

You're not going to a patient's funeral. It's unprofessional.

Adam

[To camera]

Did I say "Go to her funeral" or did I say, "Fu*k her grandchildren"?

It's always best, when in the company of a patient's young son, not to swear. Because children are like sponges and they latch on to bad language like a grass seed sticks to clothing.

Shruti

Well, what now?

Non-Reassuring Trace

We'll work out a safeguarding plan. You did really well today.

Shruti

It's all fu*king pointless, though, isn't it?

Ernie

Fu*king pointless. Fu*king pointless.

Shruti's personal life is on the back-foot. She doesn't have time for love. Or sleep. Or even eating most of the time. Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the reality of the NHS.

Adam

Do you have a special someone you apologise to?

Shruti

Oh, oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I'm actually in a polyamorous three-way relationship right now, so it's me, gynaecology textbooks and a bucket of cheap chow mein.

Adam

Right. How does the sex work with the three of you?

Mr. Lockhart

[Entering the room]

Hm! Sounds intriguing!

A Consultant usually has your back when it all comes on top. Unless, of course, the General Medical Council are involved. Then he or she rows for shore like a teenager in Jaws.

Mr. Lockhart

Right, this complaint, then. I've just sent off my statement, and when you do yours, you're obviously going to say what happened on the night in question.

Shruti

Yeah, of course.

Adam

That you told us to send the patient home.

Mr. Lockhart

Yeah, but that was before it was a complaint. Now I think we need to be a little more scrupulous with the facts.

Adam

[To camera]

Fu*k! He's withdrawing what he said. The bastard! He's withdrawing it like a condom-less c*ck and spraying it in our faces.

Ms. Houghton is a Consultant who shoots from the hip. She speaks her mind. And she can be more cutting than an ill-advised thong.

Ms. Houghton

Don't suppose there's anybody fu*king working here today, is there?

Adam

Sorry, Ms Houghton. We were just, er...

Ms.Houghton

[To SHRUTI]

All right, you. I hope those shoes have got steel toecaps. We're going to kick today a whole new arsehole.

Shruti

Okay.

Ms. Houghton

[To ADAM]

You going to do something or just stand there like a bottle of fu*king mayonnaise?

The NHS is on its knees and yet, every year, Trusts the length and breadth of the country spend millions on useless training of the kind you're about to hear. Reassuring, isn't it?

Facilitator

Geriatrics should now be referred to as... "care of the older person".

Ria

"Care of the older person"? They make it sound like a spa.

Tracy

I don't know why they don't just go the whole hog, call it, "care of the inevitable".

Ria

I'm sure it used to be called that three directives ago.

Facilitator

Anything I can help you with, ladies?

Ria

Oh, we were just saying that it's, erm, it's great that, er, older patients will no longer be crippled by old-fashioned language.

Facilitator

We... we don't say... "crippled".

Ria

Apologies.

[Under her breath]

You twat.

Facilitator

Patients should now be referred to as... "clients". That's because the word "patient" actually stems from the Latin "patiens", which makes...

Tracy

If they're clients, then what are we? Prostitutes?

Ria

Well, at least if I was a prostitute, I wouldn't have to put up with that pr**k.

Tracy

I wouldn't bet on it.

Ms Houghton has sent Adam on a mission to buy the coffees. He's a little later back than she expected. That's his only crime. Being late back with the coffees.

Ms Houghton

Did you go to fu*king Brazil for those?

Adam

Sorry, there was, erm, only one person working at the coffee shop.

Ms Houghton

[Mocks ADAM]

Keeping the change, or what?

[ADAM gives HOUGHTON the change and she counts it]

Yep.

Adam

Ms Houghton, I've been thinking a lot about triplets.

Ms Houghton

No-one wants to hear about your wa*k bank.

Adam

Very pithy. So, what I meant was, erm, with regard to the forthcoming operative delivery of the triplets -

Ms Houghton

- Oh! Such verisimilitude, Dr Kay.

[To SHRUTI]

I don't know what it means. I just felt the need to join in with the fancy words.

DIY surgery to correct what some women believe is an unattractive vulva is becoming frighteningly common. When Layla rocks up at A&E with a PV bleed, Adam can't quite believe what he's seeing.

Adam

Right. If you slip your bottom half off, I'll be as quick as I can. Erm, feet together, flop your knees to the side.

[LAYLA having presented, ADAM stoops down to examine her vulva]

Holy sh*t!

Sister

Holy sh*t! Sorry.

Adam

Erm...Layla, will you promise to answer me honestly if I ask you a really difficult question?

[LAYLA nods her head]

Did somebody do this to you?

[LAYLA shakes her head]

You promise?

[LAYLA nods her head]

Adam

Was it... was it an accident or...

Layla

I just didn't know it would bleed so much.

Adam

[To camera]

Just when you think you've seen everything, someone gives their vulva a short back and sides. Fu*k knows what I'm meant to do.

Perhaps it's nerves but so many people make stupid jokes like this one when a doctor or nurse enters a room. And you have to believe that it's very tempting to respond just as Adam did here.

Man

Oi, oi! Who ordered the strippagram?

Adam

[To camera]

Who ordered the c*nt?

[To MATILDA]

Good morning.

A patient being operated on under Combined Spinal-Epidural (CSE) remains conscious throughout. This poor woman will have been scarred for life because it's not just her baby being removed from her.

Shruti

Are you okay?

Al

Yep.

Shruti

You sure?

Al

Yeah, I'm fine, as long as I don't look at it too much.

Shruti

Well, don't look at it too much. Suction, please -

[AL faints, his head splashing down into the operative field of the patient]

Shruti

OK.

Patient

What?! What was that?

Anaesthetist

Is everything okay down there?

Patient

Is there a problem?

Anaesthetist

Are you okay?

Shruti

I'm really sorry about that.

Patient

What's happening?

Shruti

My colleague has fainted slightly into the operative field.

Patient

Was he in me? I... is "in me"... is that... he's out now?

Shruti

Yes.

Patient

Is he? Oh, my God! Jesus Christ. Am I going to be all right?

Shruti

Really sorry about that, you'll be fine. It happens more often than you'd think.

Manners cost nothing. And they maketh man. Something which doctors would do well to remember when barking instructions at colleagues. Sheesh.

Adam

Angle the lamp a bit better for me.

Tracy

Please?

Adam

Please. Remember to file another complaint about my manners.

Tracy

I've had weeks of this now, Adam. Can you stop being quite so much of a twat.

Adam

Tracy!

Tracy

No, don't "Tracy" me! Anyway, the patient's deaf. And if she wasn't, I'm sure she'd agree that was a pretty twat-ish thing to say.

Adam

I know old habits are hard to change, but want to try being professional?

Tracy

What, like you?

Al has just stood by and watched as a baby came close to death as the result of a Shoulder Dystocia. Adam saved the baby and now he's being a good Samaritan and sending Al home.

Adam

Give me your bleep. Take the rest of the afternoon off.

Al

Are you sure?

Adam

One hundred percent. Decompress, phone your mum, have a wa*k. Separately.

Choose your Best Man wisely, folks. Is your friend a d*ck? Cross him off the list. Liable to get drunk? Ditto. And if his name's "Welly" then you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.

Welly

Ding-dong, the legend's here. Hello, everybody. My name is Welly, AKA the well of all knowledge, and I am the best man to young Greg, here. Now, a lot of people worry, naturally, that marriage is the biggest mistake they'll ever make. Not our Greg, though, because on his gap year, he lost his virginity to a prostitute who looked like Pavarotti. Only cost him three TENORS. That was genius!