12 MP3 Audio clips from Blackadder Back & Forth (1999)

PLAY ALL 12 CLIPS

Clip 1

So... what has history taught us? Anything? Well, yes. History is full of lessons. But how many of them do we actually heed? Bit deep for this site, isn't it? Sorry about that.

George

Well, isn't this splendid and absolutely tufty! New Year's Eve 1999, a new century and a new millennium. Let's drink a great big slurpy toast to peace and understanding around the globe.

Reverend Melchett

Bravo! After all, if history teaches us anything, it is that, in the words of St. Burt: "What the world needs now, is love, sweet love."

Edmund

What total codswallop! If history has taught us anything, it is that the story of man is one long round of death and torture, and burning people as witches, just because they've got a wart.

Clip 2

It's nice to see that Baldrick's culinary skills haven't improved at all throughout the centuries. And they still involve more bodily fluids than is strictly necessary.

Baldrick

I trust you're all enjoying your food?

Edmund

No, we're not actually, Baldrick. What is this we're eating?

Darling

It tastes as if someone with a bad chest cold has taken two spoonfuls of Benylin to loosen the phlegm and then, coughed all over an avocado.

Baldrick

Well...

[Coughs]

... funny you should said that, sir, because -

Edmund

- Yes, all right, Baldrick. Yes. Thank you.

Clip 3

It's not every day a member of the clergy invites you to glaze his nipples and call him Rita. Well, that's what the Catholic church want you to believe, anyway.

Edmund

Ladies and gentlemen, the greatest breakthrough in travel since Mr. Rodney Tricycle thought to himself, "I'm bored with walking. I think I'll invent a machine with three wheels and a bell, and name it after myself." Behold the time machine!

Reverend Melchett

Well, glaze my nipples and call me Rita!

Clip 4

Faced with a T-Rex, should you stand still, run away, make yourself look big or... wave Baldrick's underpants in its face? Well, the answer may surprise you.

Baldrick

SNIFF MY SKIDS!

[The T-REX, faced with the overpowering stench of BALDRICK'S underpants, collapses to the floor and dies]

Edmund

Fascinating. One of history's great mysteries solved. The dinosaurs were, in fact, wiped out by your pants.

Clip 5

Who wouldn't be surprised to find Queen Elizabeth I sitting in his dining room? I mean, Edmund takes it in his stride but then... they have met before.

Edmund

Elizabeth... the First.

Elizabeth I

You're wearing very weird clothes. And you're looking rather old and ugly, actually.

Edmund

Is that right?

Elizabeth I

Of course it's right. I'm always right.

Nursie

Of course it's right.

Elizabeth I

Melchy?

Melchett

Mam?

Elizabeth I

Edmund is being very cheeky. Shall I laugh at him or chop his ugly head off?

Melchett

Well, one hates to be harsh, Mam, but I do think a bit of choppy choppy is the only apt reaction.

Elizabeth I

Very well. KILL HIM!

Clip 6

If you could meet William Shakespeare, what would you do? Congratulate him, have him sign an autograph or perhaps punch him to the floor in revenge for the torture you endured at school?

[In his hurry to escape the clutches of ELIZABETH I, EDMUND crashes into WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE in the corridor]

Edmund

Oh, I'm... I'm so sorry. I am sorry. Wait a minute... you're not...

William Shakespeare

Will Shakespeare, yes. And don't say it, I know you hated Two Gentlemen of Verona. This one's much better.

Edmund

Well, bugger my giddy aunt... you couldn't just, um... sign something for me, could you?

William Shakespeare

Oh certainly.

[SHAKESPEARE autographs the title page of Macbeth]

Edmund

Thank you. Oh and just, uh... one more thing.

William Shakespeare

Yes?

[EDMUND punches SHAKESPEARE to the floor]

Edmund

That is for every school boy and school girl for the next four hundred years. Have you any idea how much suffering you are going to cause? Hours spent at school desks trying to find one joke in A Midsummer Night's Dream. Years wearing stupid tights in school plays and saying things like, "What-ho, my lord," and "Oh, look! Here comes Othello, talking total crap as usual." Oh, and...

[EDMUND kicks SHAKESPEARE in the shin]

... that... is for Ken Branagh's endless uncut four hour version of "Hamlet".

Clip 7

What if Robin Hood were actually an insufferable pr**k? Not the folk hero we hold him to be but a misogynistic, homophobic cretin who hadn't really thought things through? Where would that leave us?

Robin Hood

Well well, what have we here, my tough band of freedom fighters, who have good muscle tone and aren't gay?

Edmund

Oh, God...

Robin Hood

Look! We captured Lord Blackadder!

Merry Men

HURRAY!

Edmund

Wait a minute... are you Robin Hood?

Robin Hood

Am I Robin Hood? Is Will Scarlet a poof in tights? Is Friar Tuck a fat tub of lard with a ridiculous haircut? Is Maid Marian a hot little honey with thighs like two halves of a nut cracker?

Maid Marian

Yes, I am...

Robin Hood

Woof!

Maid Marian

Woof!

Merry Men

HURRAY!

Robin Hood

Woof!

Merry Men

WOOF!

Clip 8

Does anyone else think that Robin Hood's actions were a little strange? I mean... think about it. There's a lot of risk involved in robbing from the rich in order to hand it all over to the poor...

Edmund

There's one question I've always wanted to ask you.

Robin Hood

Fire away! One final question before I impale you with my magnificent weapon... and I'm not talking about my enormous -

Edmund

- Yes, yes. I know you're not.

Robin Hood

Oh, right. Sorry.

Edmund

What puzzles me is this: you rob from the rich.

Merry Men

YES!

Robin Hood

That's right, yeah.

Edmund

And then, when you rob the rich you give it ALL to the poor.

Merry Men

YES!

Robin Hood

I love giving it to the poor! WOOF!

Edmund

Now that's the bit I don't understand. You men risk your lives in combat?

Merry Men

YES!

Edmund

You risk certain death if you're caught.

Merry Men

Yes!

Edmund

You live here in this forest in total squalor? I mean, I'd hate to think what the toilet facilities are like around here...

Merry Man

Not very nice, actually.

Edmund

And yet you still give every single penny to these so called poor. Who just sit on their back-sides all day...

Robin Hood

Shut up, now!

Edmund

... laughing at you, saying, "Oh, no need to go to work today. Robin Hood and his Merry Men will be along in a minute with a big pile of cash."

Robin Hood

I said shut up!

Edmund

I'm surprised they don't call you, "Robin Hood and his bunch of complete lunatics."

Robin Hood

Right. That is it! Shoot him boys!

Clip 9

Is this really the root cause of the Battle of Waterloo? Because the British thought that all French men were camper than a row of tents? I mean... surely not, right?

Duke de Darling

My Lord Emperor, I, the Duke de Darling bring news. The English have reached Waterloo.

Napoleon

Good! Prepare to attack!

Duke de Darling

Very well! Eh, but... first I would like to ask... why do we want to invade Britain in the first place? I mean their wine is made of the pee-pee of cows and their women all have big beards.

Napoleon

We invade, Darling, because the British think they are so tough! They think we French are sissies... they call us weeds, and whoopsies, and big girls' blouses.

Duke de Darling

With respect my Emperor, we are whoopsies. We invented the tapestry, the soufflé, and the sweet liqueur. We will be slaughtered the minute we mince up the hill.

Clip 10

Sadly for Edmund, he and Baldrick have not landed in the 1960s. They've actually landed in Roman Britain where all the men wore short skirts. Except the Emperor. He just wore underpants and armour.

Edmund

What can you see, Balders?

Baldrick

People in very short skirts, my Lord.

Edmund

Ah, excellent the 1960s. At last, we are getting close. I might stay a while actually, for a bit of hippy, free love. Not that free love would make a lot of difference to you, would it, Balders? I mean what would a sheep do with money?

Clip 11

Baldrick has a cunning plan. Again. I mean, after centuries of having cunning plans, you'd think he'd stop it, right? Because his plans are rarely cunning.

Baldrick

Wait my Lord, do not despair. For I have a cunning plan.

Edmund

Can I say I'm not optimistic, Baldrick?

Baldrick

To be quite frank, my Lord, neither am I. My family have never been very good at plans.

Edmund

So, with suitably low expectations... what is your cunning plan to get us home?

Baldrick

Well, my Lord, you know when people drown, their whole life flashes in front of them?

Edmund

Yeeeess?

Baldrick

Well, if you stuck your head in a bucket of water and didn't bring it out again, then your whole life would flash in front of you, and you'd see where all the knobs and levers were when we first set off, and then if you pulled your head out again just before you died, you could guide us home.

Edmund

Baldrick?

Baldrick

My Lord?

Edmund

Good plan. With perhaps just one tiny modification.

[Predictably, EDMUND punches BALDRICK out]

Clip 12

It's Edmund's turn to have a cunning plan. A plan so cunning that it used to be a fox who was Professor of Cunning at Oxford University...

Edmund

Baldrick, I have a very, very, very cunning plan.

Baldrick

Is it as cunning as a fox what used to be Professor of Cunning at Oxford University but has moved on and is now working for the UN at the High Commission of International Cunning Planning?

Edmund

Yes, it is.

Baldrick

Mmmm. That's cunning...