13 MP3 Audio clips from Big Daddy (1999)

PLAY ALL 13 CLIPS

Clip 1

Vanessa needs more from Sonny. She needs someone ready to move on to the next phase of their relationship. In other words, she needs someone other than Sonny.

Sonny

The hell's the matter with you? Why you being so nuts to me lately?

Vanessa

Because you refuse to move on to the next phase of your life. I, on the other hand, would like to have a family some day. But I need someone that I could rely on, not just a play-mate.

Sonny

What do you need a father figure? STOP PULLING YOUR SISTER'S HAIR!

Clip 2

Mike is struggling with his two best friends from school being gay and being together. He doesn't like it when they kiss.

Mike

I gotta admit, I'm still a little weirded out when they kiss.

Sonny

Why? They're gay. That's what gay guys do.

Mike

Yeah I know but they were like brothers to us back in school.

Sonny

They're still like our brothers. Our very, very gay brothers.

Clip 3

It's true. Corinne got through college by working at Hooters. Not that there's anything wrong with working at Hooters. But Hooters itself? Hmm. The jury is out on that one.

Kevin

Hey, Sonny... what was all that about?

Sonny

Hey, congratulations. You and Big Boobs McGee are gonna be real happy.

Kevin

Don't call her Big Boobs McGee.

Sonny

You wanna explain to your children you met their mother while she was waitressing at Hooters?

Kevin

Sonny, that was five years ago. She's a doctor now. And my fiancée. So from now on... Doctor Big Boobs McGee.

Clip 4

Sonny has no idea about kids. Julian is five. He doesn't drink formula, left diapers behind four years ago and certainly wipes his own ass. Which is a relief to Sonny.

Sonny

How old are you anyways?

Julian

Five.

Sonny

Five? You wear a diaper?

Julian

No.

Sonny

Wipe your own ass then?

Julian

Yes.

Sonny

You do? Good job! That's cool!

Clip 5

Julian is (thanks to Sonny) really rather proud that he can wipe his own ass. And he can't wait to impart this news to the Delivery Guy.

Julian

I wipe my own ass.

Delivery Guy

Me, too!

Clip 6

Sonny has taken Julian to a bar to watch football. Not really the best place for a five-year-old to be even when it isn't a school night. And certainly not as late as it is.

Waitress

What are you doing in here, cutie?

Julian

Watching football.

Waitress

Who do you want to win?

Julian

The goddam Jets.

Waitress

[Laughs]

Have fun.

Sonny

[Returning to the table]

Hey... too bad you don't like girls. I think you could've had her.

Julian

I'm thirsty.

Sonny

You're thirsty? What do you want, a soda? You allowed soda?

Julian

I don't know.

Sonny

My mother always said that soda rots your teeth but you're gonna lose them teeth anyway so rot on, right?

[To the waitress]

Can we get two root beers, please?

Waitress

Sure.

Sonny

Man, when I graduated law school, we used to meet here every Monday night to watch football.

Julian

Who would meet you?

Sonny

My friends, Vanessa... Vanessa always used to root against the team I wanted to win just to bust my chops. But, uh... everybody's so busy with their crap lately, no-one ever comes.

Mr. Herlihy

Like I'm not busy?

Sonny

Hey, Mr. Herlihy... how about you shut up or I'll smack you through the wall like last Monday?

Mr. Herlihy

Last Monday was a fluke. Bring it on, woman!

[Laughs]

Clip 7

Julian is bouncing around Sonny's apartment on a Space Hopper. And he's discovered the joys of that game all kids wind up playing. The "repeat everything you say" game.

Sonny

How you doin'?

Julian

How you doin'?

Sonny

You like Hockey?

Julian

You like Hockey?

Sonny

This is a big, important game.

Julian

This is a big, important game.

Sonny

Cut the crap.

Julian

Cut the crap.

Sonny

I'm being serious. Don't do that.

Julian

I'm being serious. Don't do that.

Sonny

How much wood would a Woodchuck chuck if a Woodchuck could chuck wood?

[JULIAN, unable to copy this, stops bouncing and looks hurt and confused]

Yeah. That's what I thought. Shut up!

Clip 8

Sonny has taken Julian to meet Vanessa. He hopes this will rekindle their ailing relationship. But he hadn't banked on Sid. Sid is an old guy who just happens to be sleeping with Vanessa.

Sonny

[Pounding on the bathroom door]

HEY! OPEN UP!

Vaness

Sonny...

Sonny

HELLO? OPEN THE DOOR!

Vanessa

Sonny...

[The door opens to reveal SID]

Sid

Is everything okay?

Sonny

Oh my God. Man! I'm sorry. I was freaking out there. I'm Sonny.

Sid

Sid.

Sonny

Hey, Sid. I had an attack of paranoia. I thought you were sleeping with my girl.

Sid

I am.

Sonny

What's that?

Sid

I am.

Vaness

Sonny, that's what I was trying to tell you before. I've found someone.

Sonny

This old guy?

Sid

Sid.

Vanessa

He's already achieved so much and yet he's still goal-oriented and still focussed and he has a five year plan.

Sonny

What is it... don't die?

Sid

You know... you remind me of my oldest grandson. You don't think things through.

Sonny

Hey... Ol' Man River. Zip it or I'll break your hip.

Sid

I'd like to see you try.

Vanessa

Shut up, Sid.

Clip 9

Let's face facts. Kids are great facilitators when it comes to picking up women. Few women can resist a cute kid. But I think Sonny may have taken making Julian his wingman a little too far.

Julian

Layla, if you don't come over to Sonny's apartment tonight, there's a good chance that I'll develop a stutter. P-P-P-Please don't do this to me.

Layla

That is so cheap.

Sonny

What?!

Clip 10

A chance meeting with Corinne in a supermarket sparks this exchange about Julian's eczema. And whilst she's way smarter than Sonny, he can't help himself. He has to have the last word.

Julian

I got eczema.

Corinne

Oh. Well, then... you shouldn't scratch it.

Sonny

Hey! Don't... don't tell him what to do. He can scratch if he wants to scratch. SCRATCH!

[CORINNE places a bag of frozen peas on JULIAN'S arm, immediately soothing the itch]

Corinne

That better?

Julian

Thank you.

Corinne

You're welcome.

Sonny

I didn't know you knew anything about kids. I thought you were a foot doctor.

Corinne

It's not doctor stuff, stupid. It's common sense. Scratching spreads rashes.

Sonny

Oh. So this is something you learned at Hooters.

Corinne

[Feigns a laugh]

Clip 11

Sonny is bathing Julian. But not being his father, he's a little awkward about the whole thing. Understandable, really.

Julian

How come I have to wear a bathing suit?

Sonny

I don't know. I don't know the rules with little kids and grown-ups and being naked and... just sit down.

Clip 12

It's come to court. Sonny is fighting for custody of Julian. He has multiple counsel. Phil is one of them. And here, Phil is examining Corinne who has taken to the stand in support of Sonny.

Phil

And what were Julian and Mr. Koufax doing when you saw them?

Corinne

Shopping.

Phil

And did Mr. Koufax appear to be an attentive and loving father?

Corinne

He certainly did.

Phil

And... how long have you disliked Mr. Koufax?

Corinne

Since the day I met him.

Phil

And... for the record... where did you work while you attended medical school?

Corinne

Hooters.

Phil

No further questions.

Corinne

[Under her breath]

A**hole!

Clip 13

Sonny is flying close to the sun with this strategy. Calling his father, who not only believes that he's a moron, but who is also willing to take the stand to say as much in court.

Sonny

Your Honour, there is nobody in this world who thinks I shouldn't have a child more than that man back there. He also happens to be one of the most respected lawyers in all of Florida so I figure if I can make a believer out of him, I can make a believer out of everybody in this court.

Prosecutor

Objection, You Honour. This court is after the truth, not the opinion of the defendant's father.

Lenny

You want my opinion? My son is a moron.

Prosecutor

I withdraw my objection. Please proceed.