Film Funnies | The Nan Movie (2022)

The Nan Movie

Catherine Tate's iconic character takes to the big screen in a road-trip with her grandson, Jamie as they travel (against her wishes) to an island off Ireland to visit her sister, Nell to whom she hasn't spoken for years but who is now dying.

ADDED: 17 May, 2022 | CLIPS: 21

WARNING: ADULT CONTENT!

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PLAY ALL 21 CLIPS

Clip 1

Joan can't help herself. She knows everyone. And whilst she appears friendly, she's cynical about absolutely everything.

Joan

'Ello, sweetheart! 'Ere, I see your daughter. She's had a baby, ain't she? Oh, innit lovely? Yeah, I seen it. It's a dinky little lot ain't it, Darling? Ta-ra!

[To herself]

Ugly looking thing!

Clip 2

Yep. Not even cute dogs are immune to Joan's cutting cynicism.

Joan

Look! Look at that! Oh, you've still got your little dog. Oh, innit a lovely little thing? Little dog.

[To herself]

Vicious bastard!

Clip 3

Just because Jamie doesn't have (and never has had) a girlfriend doesn't necessarily make him gay, right? Well, you try telling Joan that.

Jamie

Sorry I'm late, Nan.

Joan

Oh, here he is. Come up and see me?

Jamie

Come up and see you.

Joan

Come up and see me, ain't ya?

Jamie

I have, Nan.

Joan

Oh, you're a good boy. You're late.

Jamie

I was trying to park, Nan.

Joan

You ain't got a car.

Jamie

I've got a minibus for my charity.

Joan

They give you a minibus? 'Cause you're gay?

Jamie

I'm not gay, Nan.

Clip 4

Joan is old school. A proud member of the stiff upper lip brigade. Got a problem? Deal with it. You don't need pandering to and you certainly don't need a craft-mobile to lift your spirits.

Jamie

No, Nan. The minibus is a craft-mobile -

Joan

For gays?

Jamie

- no. A craft-mobile for people with emotional difficulties.

Joan

A craft-mobile for people with emotional difficulties? What a load of old sh*t.

Clip 5

Joan lives on a quiet little estate where everybody knows each other. Everybody says hello. But, as I said before, Joan has an opinion about almost everyone.

Man

HELLO, JOANIE, LOVE!

Joan

'ELLO, SWEETHEART!

[To herself]

Bastard!

Clip 6

This conversation takes place in a packed lift. Not that it would be any better in private but... in an elevator? That's gotta sting.

Joan

You all right, Colin?

Cathy

Well, we've just been to the doctor, actually.

Joan

Oh. For your diabetes?

Colin

I don't have diabetes.

Joan

Oh. Heart disease.

Colin

Uh, not heart disease.

Joan

Gout?

Cathy

He has to go for counselling.

Joan

For your gout?

Colin

Uh, no. Apparently I've been eating my feelings.

Joan

Have you, darling? Oh. Still, by the looks of things, they're delicious.

Clip 7

Joan is sorting out her mail. There's very much a theme in the categories she sorts them into. Wonder if you can spot it?

Joan

Junk... junk... bill... bill... overdue bill... oh, my new cinema pass. Smashing. Final demand... junk... junk... summons.

Clip 8

Does nothing cut through the ice in Joan's veins? A dying sister making an embittered plea for one last visit? Apparently not.

Nell (V/O)

Dear Joanie. I bet you didn't expect to hear from me after all these years. I've tried to write this letter so many times but time is not a luxury I have any more. I'm dying, Joanie. I have one last wish that you will come and see me. Even if you won't forgive me. I just wanna see ya. I've missed you terribly. And I am still your sister. With love, your Nellie.

Joan

Fu*k off!

Clip 9

Leprechauns. The fictional beings that inhabit the Emerald Isle. No, not the Emerald City. You're thinking of the Wizard of Oz. No. I'm talking about Ireland. And so, coincidentally, is Joan.

Joan

We had a plan to save up enough money to buy a little cottage on an island off of Ireland. That was a dream. It's where my father was born. When we were young he used to tell us it's where the Leprechauns come from. Course, you can't say Leprechauns no more. Nowadays, you just say Irish.

Clip 10

Imagine in the days before the iPhone. Trying to organise a date. How tricky must that have been? Well, I remember. It wasn't that difficult at all to be honest.

Walter

I was wondering if you'd like to go out with me Tuesday night.

Joan

Can't do Tuesday. How about Monday?

Walter

I can't do Monday. How about Wednesday?

Joan

Can't do Wednesday. How about Friday?

Walter

I can't do Friday, how about Thursday?

Joan

I can't do Thursday. How about Saturday?

Walter

I can't do Saturday -

Joan

Oh, jog on you fat yank.

[Laughs]

Clip 11

Jamie's plan to take Joan to Ireland against her wishes has found them in Liverpool. But she's quick on the up-take, this old girl. This definitely isn't Coventry.

Joan

Hold on. This don't look like Coventry. Everyone's orange.

Jamie

It's Liverpool, Nan.

Clip 12

Joan caused Miss Mahler to be sacked from the local council. And now, quite by chance, they meet again. Only now Miss Mahler is PC Mahler with the Road Policing Unit. And she's out for revenge.

Officer Mahler

I have dreamt about seeing you again.

Joan

Well, whatever floats your boat, love.

Officer Mahler

And now here you are. Illegally parked across three disabled bays.

Joan

Well, here's lucky. I've got three disabled badges.

Officer Mahler

Where'd you get them?

Joan

From up the council. They've been ever so nice to me since you left.

Officer Mahler

You shouldn't have three.

Joan

And yet I do. Riddle me that!

Clip 13

Not all old people are flatulent. But then not all people consume processed meat with the fervour and enthusiasm that Joan does. And that's got to have an impact on your lower intestines, right?

[Bending down to get something from her bag, JOAN farts in JAMIE'S face]

Jamie

NAN!

Joan

Oh, get up you lazy bastard!

[She farts again]

Oop!

Clip 14

Shabooya. It's a roll call type rap game that Jamie and Joan play all the time on this road trip. Not sure what the rules are but the outcome is pretty amazing!

Joan

Go on, Jamie. Your turn.

Jamie

My name is Jamie.

Joan

Yeah.

Jamie

Hip hip hooray.

Joan

Yeah.

Jamie

I drive a minibus.

Joan

Yeah.

Jamie

Because -

Joan

I'm gay! Roll call. That's it. Yeah. That's it. That's the way it goes. Yeah.

Clip 15

Is this homophobic? Hmm. Yes. I think, on balance, it probably is. But then Nan is in her eighties and lesbianism wasn't recognised or accepted when she was growing up. So...

Mick

All I do is let the animals go free and then burn down the buildings. Is that a crime?

Joan

Well of course it is.

Jamie

It's definitely a crime. What do you want with my Nan?

Mick

Collateral. She comes with me and then when we're done, you drive us away.

Joan

Are you touched? I'm not blowing up a fu*king farm. I'm a pensioner. I'm not spending me last few years in a cell fighting off a woman called Beth.

Mick

That's an offensive stereotype.

Joan

Oh, wake up and smell the lesbian. Orange might be the new black but they still wanna have a go with your clacker when the lights go out.

Clip 16

Mick is a terrorist. Okay, some might call him an animal rights activist but let's be honest... he's a terrorist. A nice, well-meaning terrorist but a terrorist none the less.

Mick

When you get the signal, you step on it and come and get us. And then we get the hell out of here, right?

Jamie

What's the signal?

Mick

A bloody great big explosion. That be enough for ya?

Clip 17

Handcuffing himself to an octogenarian was probably not Mick's brightest idea ever. Because when an octogenarian needs to go... she needs to go. And Joan needs to go.

Joan

Oooooh.... find me a dock leaf, son. It's running down the back of me legs.

Mick

MIND MY SHOES!

Joan

I don't know what they put in them Fridge Rustlers but it definitely don't go with twelve pints of Guinness.

Mick

Fu*k... me!

Clip 18

There are some things you don't need to know. For example, I don't want to know how often my grandparents got up to shenanigans between the sheets. And neither does Jamie.

Jamie

So go on, then. You had a whirlwind wedding with Terry.

Joan

Yep. I married Tel. And Walter went off to war. Then Terry spent every night interfering with me. Sometimes twice if he had an early shift.

Jamie

Nan! I didn't need to know all that.

Joan

Well, you did ask.

Clip 19

Again... there are just some things that are better left unsaid. Because you and I can't forget what we're about to hear. It'll haunt us forever.

Joan

I never realised. It's always the way though, isn't it? You don't appreciate what you have until it's gone. He was a wonderful man... my Terry. He loved me so much. Obsessed with my a**hole but other than that, a proper gent.

Clip 20

One of Nan's many catchphrases. This one is great. So great, in fact, that we've made it available as a message tone. So download it today and put a little bit of Nan on your phone!