8 MP3 Audio clips from Absolutely Anything (2015)

PLAY ALL 8 CLIPS

Clip 1

The Headteacher is less than impressed with Neil's tardiness. So many excuses for being late or not turning up to work at all. And if Neil thinks that he can sneak by his office again, he's mistaken.

Headmaster

Mr Clarke.

Neil

Hi.

Headmaster

This is the twelfth time you've been late this month, Mr Clarke.

Neil

Yeah, I got knocked off my bike.

Headmaster

Yesterday you had food poisoning. Friday you thought it was Saturday. Monday you forgot to put your clock forward.

Neil

Oh, everybody does that.

Headmaster

Week last Wednesday it seems you had an appointment with the Dalai Lama.

Neil

Yeah, I showed you the picture.

Headmaster

That had Michael Jackson in it as well.

Neil

Well, he's a... he's a great man.

Headmaster

Great enough to appear in photographs when he's dead. You, Mr Clarke, are totally irresponsible, you are idle and you are feckless.

Neil

Feckless?

Headmaster

Yes, you are without feck. If I could replace you, I would.

Clip 2

Ray has a "thing" for Miss Pringle who, as a colleague and as a woman, has absolutely no interest in him. But it doesn't stop him. Oh no. He tries it on mercilessly despite her rejections.

Ray

Hello, gorgeous. How about cocktails for two this evening? Go halves?

Miss Pringle

Drop dead, Ray.

Ray

All right. Think about it and get back to me.

Miss Pringle

Nob.

Clip 3

Be careful what you wish for. Isn't that how the saying goes? And if you do wish for a "really big d*ck", be specific.

Neil

I can do anything. Okay, but what... what... what do I really want? Give me a really big d*ck.

[His penis becomes supersized and he falls heavily to the floor under its weight]

Ouch! Ouch, not that big, obviously! Just... Dick, return to the old size.

Clip 4

Neil still wants a bigger, better penis. But not something that an elephant would be proud of. No. Just something that women would find exciting. Again, he needed to be specific. And he wasn't.

Neil

Okay, um... let me have a penis that women find exciting.

[Accordingly, his "appendage" changes again]

Yeah, it's good, yeah. Can I have it in white?

Clip 5

Catherine is discussing her questionable taste in men with her friend Rosie. They're having a few drinks whilst they're doing it. Obviously. Which is what leads to this conversation.

Catherine

Why do I always end up with the control freaks?

Rosie

Or gays.

Catherine

Yeah. Who?

Rosie

Him upstairs.

Catherine

Oh, honey, he's not gay. He's attractive. He's kind.

Rosie

Well, then, fu*k him.

Catherine

No, he's nice.

Rosie

No, I don't mean fu*k him. I mean fu*k him.

Catherine

You mean fu*k him?

Rosie

Yeah.

Catherine

What, right now?

Rosie

No, not now. You've got to let me do your make-up first.

Clip 6

Dogs. Loyal, intelligent and loving. But not always in the right way. And if you give one the power of speech, I think it's obvious what he's going to say... sooner or later.

Neil

God, it must be terrible being a dog. I never realised you had so many cravings.

Dennis

It's no worse than you and that b**ch.

Neil

What b**ch?

Dennis

The b**ch you were shagging last night.

Neil

Oh, my God. She's not a b**ch, OK? She's a lovely human female. And we weren't just shagging.

Dennis

Right. Come to think of it, I wouldn't mind shagging your leg right now. A little leg dance, huh? Just above the sock.

Neil

Ah...

Dennis

How about it? Come on, Daddy.

Clip 7

Locked in the kitchen whilst Neil speaks to Catherine in the hallway, Dennis just can't help himself. He can talk now. So he can give his master some much needed (but untimely) advice.

Dennis

Shag her, Neil!

Neil

That's Dennis.

Catherine

Dennis?

Neil

Yeah. He is a plumber. Um, I'm having a few problems with my waterworks. My water pipes.

Dennis

Shag her, Neil!

Neil

I'd better get him the shagger. It's a special wrench that plumbers use.

Clip 8

Dennis just can't keep his mouth shut. Neil has just about got away with the "shag her" outburst but now? Catherine definitely thinks he has a gay lover in the kitchen.

Dennis

I love you, Neil!

Neil

Shut up, Dennis! It's odd, isn't it, shouting at the plumber like that? But, uh, the fact is he's my brother. The plumber is my brother.

Dennis

Say you love me, Neil!

Neil

And we're very close.