11 MP3 Audio clips from Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason (2004)

PLAY ALL 11 CLIPS

Clip 1

Bridget is about to sky-dive for the first time. Tandem jump? No. Solo. And she's being filmed for Sit Up Britain. What could possibly go wrong?

Richard Finch

Bridget Jones, what the fu*k are you doing?

Bridget Jones

Hmm... I, I can't see anywhere soft to land.

Richard Finch

How about on your arse?

Clip 2

She's back on terra firma but she's landed in an inconveniently situated pig pen. So she's now on camera, covered in excrement.

Bridget Jones

Well, this is Bridget Jones for Sit Up Britain, reporting to you from a big vat of excrement.

[A pig knocks her over and she squeals like one as she falls]

Clip 3

The thing about having a boyfriend who is a high-flying human rights lawyer is that you never QUITE know when's a good time to call him.

Mark Darcy

Hello?

Bridget Jones

It's me. Just wondered how you are.

Mark Darcy

I'm fine, thanks. Everything all right with you?

Bridget Jones

Fine, though, er... I've just had a rather graphic shag flashback. And you do have a genuinely gorgeous bottom.

Mark Darcy

Thank you. I'm actually with the Mexican ambassador, the head of Amnesty International and the Undersecretary for Trade and Industry. And you're on speakerphone.

Clip 4

Friends. Sometimes you can't live without them. Other times, they're about as useful as a chocolate teapot. And this is the kind of advice nobody needs.

Shazza

Chuck him, while you're still ahead and not pregnant with his unwanted child.

Bridget Jones

I only said that he was working late.

Tom

Oh, that's his story. One hour from now, he'll be coming in his secretary's mouth while he rings to say what he wants for starters.

Clip 5

Eton. It's a great school but it's not somewhere Bridget can bear the thought of her unborn (and, as it turns out, hypothetical) son going.

Mark Darcy

Anyways, I could teach him to play cricket and rugby and, and visit him at Eton on St Andrew's Day.

Bridget Jones

Eton?

Mark Darcy

Yes. Darcy men have been going to Eton for five generations.

Bridget Jones

Well, my son's not going to be sent away from home. Especially to some fascist institution where they stick a poker up your arse that you're not allowed to remove for the rest of your life.

Mark Darcy

I see.

Bridget Jones

I didn't mean you.

Mark Darcy

No, of course not. So what's the alternative? Sleeping in his parents' bed and breastfeeding until he's a teenager whilst attending some progressive school, where the entire day is spent singing Yellow Submarine and practicing group masturbation?

Clip 6

Is it me or is technology becoming increasingly cutting and spiteful? Take Bridget's answering machine, for example.

Answerphone

You have absolutely no messages. Not a single one. Not even from your mother.

Clip 7

If you're going to criticise someone, it's usually best to check your corners and make sure that they're not sitting within earshot first. Isn't that right, Bridget?

Bridget Jones

Daniel Cleaver is a deceitful, sexist, disgusting specimen of humanity, that I wouldn't share a lift with, let alone a job.

Daniel Cleaver

Oh, come on, Jones, there must have been something you liked about me.

Bridget Jones

Well... you have a nice car. And... quite nice manners. Outside the bedroom. That's about it. And by the way, I know exactly where Germany is. The question is do you know the location of your arsehole?

[BRIDGET storms out of the office]

Daniel Cleaver

As a matter of fact, I do know the exact location of my arsehole. And hers for that matter.

Clip 8

Daniel has rescued Bridget from Economy Class. She's sat next to him in First Class but this luxury comes at a price. As she's about to find out.

Bridget Jones

I thought you were there already, doing research.

Daniel Cleaver

Oh, fu*k, no. No, I make it up as I go along. Okay, Jones. We have thirteen hours for this trip. I need some in-flight entertainment. Why don't you tell me, in detail, the story of your school netball tour, with particular reference to the unsavoury incident in the communal showers.

Bridget Jones

I didn't play netball. Or go to a girls' school. Or have showers.

Daniel Cleaver

Now that's just not true, is it, Jones? Let me start you off.

Bridget Jones

No.

Daniel Cleaver

Jones, if you're gonna be dull, I'm just going to plunge straight back into Mrs. Dalloway, and you know how she loves that. Dirty, dirty b**ch.

Clip 9

Bridget is on a dinner date with Daniel. God knows why. And the conversation pretty quickly turns to their previous doomed relationship and Mark Darcy. Of course.

Bridget Jones

Do you know, I never really understood why you wanted to go out with me. It seemed so unlikely.

Daniel Cleaver

Come on, Jones. For God's sake. You're sexy. You make me laugh. At you, of course, not with you. And you were... incidentally... the best shag... I ever had.

Bridget Jones

The best?

Daniel Cleaver

Well, aside from Simon Reade in the fifth-form locker room, yeah.

Bridget Jones

Suppose I said you were pretty good too?

Daniel Cleaver

Pretty good? Was I better than Mark Darcy? By the way, is it true he always says, "I'm sorry but I think I'm going to come"?

Bridget Jones

Who told you that?

Daniel Cleaver

Well, it's common knowledge, isn't it?

Clip 10

It's getting intimate. Daniel is kissing his way down Bridget's body and there's only one thing on his mind. No. Not that. He's actually thinking about her absolutely enormous panties.

Daniel Cleaver

Oh, God, I hope you're wearing those giant panties. Please. Please be wearing the giant panties. Please. Oh, my old friends. Oh, Daddy's home. Did you miss me? Because Daddy missed you. Yes, he did.

Clip 11

A lady-boy has showed up at Daniel's hotel room. Ordered by him but somewhat unexpectedly for Bridget. And so ends a night of potentially outrageous sex.

Bridget Jones

Daniel, I really do think that you should go... and fu*k yourself. Or her. But definitely not me.