16 MP3 Audio clips from Bridget Jones's Diary (2001)

PLAY ALL 16 CLIPS

Clip 1

Family get-togethers can be awkward. Especially when they're attended by your decidedly pervy "uncle" who's not actually your uncle and who insists on casually groping your bottom.

Uncle Geoffrey

There she is! My little Bridget.

Bridget

Hi, Uncle Geoffrey.

Uncle Geoffrey

Had a drink?

Bridget

No.

Uncle Geoffrey

No? Come on then.

Bridget (V/O)

Actually, not my Uncle. Someone who insists I call him Uncle while he gropes my ass and asks me the question dreaded by all singletons.

Uncle Geoffrey

So... how's your love-life?

Clip 2

What is it with mothers? Who else would introduce their daughter to a prospective suitor like this? What part of her brain thought that this would be a good ice-breaker?!

Bridget's Mum

Mark?

Bridget (V/O)

Maybe this was the mysterious "Mister Right" I'd been waiting my whole life to meet.

Bridget's Mum

You remember Bridget? She used to run around your lawn with no clothes on. Remember?

Mark Darcy

Uh, no... not as such.

Clip 3

Mr. Fitzherbert. Every office has someone like him. A frankly dirty old man who hasn't even got the decency to pretend that he's not staring at the breasts of a female colleague.

Bridget

Happy New Year, Mr. Fitzherbert.

Mr. Fitzherbert

Happy New Year, Brenda.

Bridget

Mr. Fitzherbert. Titspervert more like. Daniel's boss who stares freely at my breasts with no idea who I am or what I do.

Clip 4

Bridget is flirting with her boss, Daniel Cleaver via internal e-mail. Or is it the other way around? Either way, the exchange is brilliantly funny. Or mildly unsettling. One of the two.

Daniel

If walking past office was attempt to demonstrate presence of skirt, can only say that it has failed parlously. Cleave.

Bridget

Shut up, please. I am very busy and important. P.S. How dare you sexually harass me in this impertinent manner?

Daniel

Message Jones. Mortified to have caused offense. Will avoid all non-PC overtones in future. Deeply apologetic. P.S. Like your tits in that top.

Clip 5

Introductions can be awkward but they'd be especially awkward if Shazza were actually introducing Sheila to Daniel like this. What do I mean? You'll see.

Shazza

Introduce people with thoughtful details. Such as... Sheila, this is Daniel. Daniel, this is Sheila. Sheila enjoys horse riding and comes from New Zealand. Daniel enjoys publishing and comes -

Bridget

All over your face?

Clip 6

So, on the subject of awkward introductions... try these on for size. The first is in Bridget's imagination, the second is very real. And we're back to the paddling pool again, I'm afraid.

Bridget

Perpetua, this is Mark Darcy. Mark's a prematurely middle-aged pr**k with a cruel-raced ex-wife. Perpetua is a fart-arsed old bag who spends her time bossing me around.

Bridget (V/O)

Maybe not.

Perpetua

Anyone going to introduce me?

Bridget

Ahhh... Perpetua. Uh, this is Mark Darcy. Mark's a top barrister. Oh, he comes from Grafton Underwood. Perpetua's one of my work colleagues.

Mark Darcy

This is Bridget Jones. Bridget, this is Natasha. Natasha is a top attorney and specialises in family law. Bridget works in publishing and used to play naked in my paddling pool.

Natasha

How odd.

Clip 7

If I had a pound for every time the screenwriter included the anecdote about Bridget running around Mark Darcy's lawn and / or paddling pool naked, I'd have at least £5 by now.

Bridget

So, how do you feel about this whole situation in Chechnya? Isn't it a nightmare?

Daniel

Couldn't give a fu*k, Jones. Now look, how do you know, um... Arsey Darcy?

Bridget

[Laughs nervously]

Apparently I used to, um... run around naked in his paddling pool.

Daniel

I bet you did, you dirty b**ch.

Bridget

What about you?

Daniel

Same. Yeah.

Bridget

[Laughs]

Clip 8

Daniel Cleaver is a character I just don't have the words to describe. Not ones that I could repeat in public, at least. Just listen to what he asks Bridget to tell him about. I mean... what the FU*K?

Daniel

Why don't you have some more wine and tell me more about practicing French kissing with the other girls at school because that's a very good story.

Bridget

It wasn't French kissing.

Daniel.

Don't care. Make it up. It's an order, Jones.

Clip 9

The date has gone well. Bridget is laying on her living room floor being undressed by Daniel Cleaver. He's commenting on every piece of clothing he removes.

Daniel

Now, these are very silly little boots, Jones. And this is a very silly little dress, and, um... these are... fu*k me, absolutely enormous pants!

Bridget

Jesus. Fu*k!

Daniel

No. Don't apologise. I like them. Hello, Mummy!

Clip 10

Daniel and Bridget are in bed together, trying to get their collective breaths back when the phone rings. And, of course, Bridget is very keen to advertise her prowess between the sheets.

[Phone rings. BRIDGET slides over to the side of the bed and answers it]

Bridget

Bridget Jones, wanton sex goddess, with a very bad man between her thighs.

[There's a pause]

Mum. Hi!

Clip 11

Daniel has whisked Bridget away to a posh hotel for a weekend (actually Stoke Park in Buckinghamshire) and they're boating on the lake. As are Mark and Natasha who are rowing not far away.

Natasha

Well, the weakness of their case lies in the deposition they made on August 30th.

Bridget

[Reading from a book of poems]

"Season of mist and mellow fruitlessness."

Daniel

Oh, fu*k me, I love Keats. Have you heard this one? "There was a young woman from Ealing, who had a peculiar feeling. She lay on her back and opened her crack and p*ssed all over the ceiling."

[DANIEL ends up straddling both his and BRIDGET'S boats as they begin to part company]

Oh, bollocks! Sh*t!

Clip 12

Predictably, Daniel and Bridget have ended their boating disaster in bed together. And Daniel has just done something to Bridget which could land him in jail in a lot of countries.

Bridget

Daniel?

Daniel

Yes, Bridget.

Bridget

That thing you just did is actually illegal in several countries.

Daniel

That is, of course, the major reason I'm so thrilled to be living in Britain today.

[BRIDGET laughs]

Bridget

Yes, I can't understand why the Prime Minister doesn't mention it more in his speeches.

Daniel

You should write to him about it.

Bridget

I intend to. Daniel?

Daniel

Bridget.

Bridget

Do you love me?

Daniel

Shut up, or I'll do it again.

Bridget

[Smiles coyly to herself]

Do you love me?

Daniel

Right. You asked for it. And... over you go.

[BRIDGET laughs]

Daniel

I'm going to give you something to bite on. Here. Okay? Pop this in your mouth, darling.

[BRIDGET laughs]

Clip 13

If you don't know what the word awkward means, don't bother looking it up in the dictionary. Just listen to this clip instead. It's a textbook example.

Bridget's Mum

Ah, Bridget. There you are. Don't worry. You're not the only one. This is Penny. Geoffrey didn't get in touch with her either.

Penny

I'm sorry?

Bridget's Mum

I was just saying, Geoffrey didn't contact you either to tell you that the tarts and vicars concept had gone out the window.

Penny

Oh, yes, he did.

Bridget's Mum

Oh, right. Lovely dress. Very exotic.

Clip 14

Bridget is leaving the publishing company to embark on a career as a TV news reporter. Daniel, in his own inimitable style, is trying to extol the virtues of staying.

Daniel

Lots of prospects for a person who, uh, you know, perhaps for personal reasons has been slightly overlooked professionally.

Bridget

Thank you, Daniel. That is very good to know. But if staying here means working within ten yards of you, frankly, I'd rather have a job wiping Saddam Hussein's arse.

Clip 15

There are some conversations you just never want to have with your own mother. And this is definitely one of them. In fact, for me, it would be top of the list of taboo subjects.

[BRIDGET'S phone rings and she answers it]

Bridget

Bridget Jones.

Bridget's Mum

Hello, darling.

Bridget

Hi, Mum.

Bridget's Mum

I just wanted a bit of a chat. The thing is, darling, I'm... between you and me, I'm not entirely sure that Julian isn't a bit of a sh*t.

Bridget

You know, Mum, I haven't really got time right now.

Bridget's Mum

All right. I can't deny the sex is still very surprising. Do you know, the other night, quite unexpectedly, I was just dozing off and I felt this huge...

Bridget

Bye, Mum.

[Groans in disgust]

Clip 16

Spoiler alert: Bridget and Mark are playing tonsil hockey in the snow at the end of the movie. Hey, I told you this was a spoiler. But something has surprised Bridget about the kiss.

Bridget

Wait a minute. Nice boys don't kiss like that.

Mark Darcy

Oh, yes they fu*king do!