15 MP3 Audio clips from Scary Movie 3 (2003)

PLAY ALL 15 CLIPS

Clip 1

It's the way most horror films start. Two beautiful, scantily-dressed women alone together in a large, luxurious house scaring each other with ghost stories. Am I right?

Kate

Oh, come on. You're beautiful. I wish I had your legs.

Becca

I wish I had your butt.

Kate

I wish I had your...

Becca

Shaved pu**y?

[BECCA brings a Sphynx cat into frame and it meows]

Nobody's getting Snowball.

Clip 2

You watch the video. Your phone rings. A voice says you'll die in seven days. That's the way it goes, right? No. Not this time around, it isn't.

[The phone rings and KATE answers it]

Kate

Hello?

[KATE listens for a few seconds and then passes the handset to BECCA]

Becca

Hello?

Caller

I'm coming for you, my precious.

Becca

Oh. Hi, Mom.

Caller

Hi, Precious. Having fun?

Kate

[Walking away from BECCA in the direction of a bedroom]

Ask her which bathroom has a detachable shower head.

Clip 3

Cindy is collecting Cody from childcare and who should be running the place but Brenda. Remember her? From Scary Movie 2?

Brenda

Anyone new in your life, Cindy?

Cindy

Well, you know... I just haven't found the right guy. I'm looking for something more than just good sex.

Brenda

I know. You want commitment.

Cindy

No. I want great sex. And when I meet that guy -

Brenda

That's what I'm talking 'bout. You wanna guy that's gonna hit that thing hard, like... BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM!...

[BRENDA has been demonstrating this in full-view of CODY and CINDY shields her nephew's eyes]

And then flip you over and come at you from the other side... D-O-DOUBLE-G!

[BRENDA notices a child staring at her]

DID I SAY STOP DRAWING?

[Returning to CINDY]

And then he'll look at you... like he gonna cut you.

Cindy

Oh, Brenda. You're so romantic.

Brenda

I guess!

Clip 4

You remember Cole Sear from The Sixth Sense, right? The little boy who could see dead people? Well, in this movie that character is Cody. And he can see into the future as well as ghosts.

Cindy

Honey... what is it? Are you having one of your visions?

Cody

There's a girl. With black hair. She wants to kill you. Your period starts in three... two... one...

Cindy

[Clutches her stomach and gasps as though suddenly wracked by abdominal cramps]

What else? Cody, what else do you see?

Cody

I see a little boy and a grown woman but no father.

Cindy

Oh, Cody.

Cody

I see you kneeling in dog sh*t.

Cindy

What?

[She realises that in kneeling to speak to CODY, she has indeed knelt in dog poop]

Cindy

What? Eurgh! Oh, for God's sake.

Clip 5

You need a babysitter. Fine. There are agencies for that. My advice? DON'T choose a Catholic priest. Not that all priests are predators but Father Muldoon? Yeah. He's got to be on the register.

Cindy

Father Muldoon!

Father Muldoon

Cindy.

Cindy

I'm so grateful you could come.

Father Muldoon

Oh...

Cindy

I've called all over for babysitters.

Father Muldoon

I don't mind filling in now and then. Where is little Cody?

[We hear footsteps running away and a door slamming closed]

Cindy

I don't know. He must be back in his room, playing. Anyway, make sure Cody washes everywhere. Also, he has a little rash on his behind. Could you rub this lotion on his little bottom? Just apply it liberally. Thank you, Father. Good night.

[CINDY exits through front door leaving FATHER MULDOON alone in her apartment with CODY]

Father Muldoon

Cody!

Clip 6

When you have sad news to impart to a young child, you need to take your time. Stay calm. Stay focussed. And be perceptive to the impact on the child. Right, George?

George

Sue's teacher, Brenda. She's... she's dead.

Tom

Oh. I'd better tell her.

George

No, no, no. I can do it.

[GEORGE approaches SUE who is sat on a stool watching TV]

Sue?

Sue

Yes?

George

You know your teacher, Miss Brenda?

Sue

Yeah.

George

SHE'S DEAD!

[SUE begins to scream as GEORGE loses it and starts shouting and crying hysterically]

GONE FOREVER! DIED A HORRIBLE, PAINFUL DEATH! GONE, GONE, GONE... JUST LIKE YOUR DOG.

Sue

My dog's dead?

George

I JUST RAN HIM OVER WITH THE CAR WHEN I DROVE IN! EVERYONE YOU LOVE AROUND YOU IS DYING!

[GEORGE and SUE begin screaming alternately]

Clip 7

Sayaman blames himself for the death of Tom's wife. But that's not all he's guilty of. Just listen to this litany of wrong-doings. Jesus...

Sayaman

Hello, Father.

Tom

Don't call me Father. I haven't been a clergyman since...

Sayaman

I'm sorry about that night but... if I hadn't fallen asleep while driving for that exact twenty minutes. If I hadn't drank that exact whole bottle of Jägermeister. If I hadn't raped and mutilated that exact mullato hitch-hiker.

Tom

Sayaman...

Sayaman

If I hadn't been caught in that exact motel room with those exact twin boys.

Tom

Sayaman. I don't see what any of this has to do with Annie.

Sayaman

I'm sorry. Those were other nights. But if it had been that night, I might have missed her.

Clip 8

Tom has stumbled upon a tragic car accident. Doubly tragic because his beloved wife, Annie is pinned to a tree by a pick-up and only the vehicle itself is keeping her alive.

Tom

Look... I don't understand all this fancy medical lingo. I wanna see Annie.

Trooper Champlin

She's split in half.

Tom

You mean, like... down the middle in half?

Trooper Champlin

At the waist.

Tom

You mean this is the last time I can talk to the top half?

Trooper Champlin

Yes. The truck is the only thing that is holding her together.

Tom

[Produces a donut from his pocket]

Well, let's say this is her bottom half. Can I squeeze in a few minutes with that?

Trooper Champlin

I'm not... sure what you mean.

Tom

Let me explain...

Trooper Champlin

Tom! Go to her.

Clip 9

It's Tom's final few moments with the one true love of his life. One final hug. One final kiss. One final promise... that he just can't make.

Annie

Honey. Kiss me one last time.

[They kiss and when TOM draws back, he plucks a sparkplug from his mouth and drops it to the floor]

Annie

Promise me you'll never re-marry.

Tom

I promise.

Annie

And no sex, either.

Tom

I... I'm sorry, I didn't... catch that.

Annie

Uh, no sex.

Tom

Honey, you're not speaking clearly. Your injuries must be awful.

Annie

No sex.

Tom

Oh, cruel fate to shroud my wife's dying words in mystery.

Annie

No sex. NO SEX!

Tom

Poor Annie. We hardly knew her. She'll be missed terribly.

Annie

Oh, Jesus.

Tom

That's right, Honey. Go into the light.

Annie

Look! Just tell George, "swing away."

Tom

Right. Swing away.

Annie

Oh, sure. That you understand.

[ANNIE succumbs to her injuries]

Tom

Annie? ANNIE!

Clip 10

Cody. He's a creepy little fu*ker. Not the sort of child you want mingling with the mourners at a wake.

Cindy

Cody!

Cody

[Addressing a PREGNANT WOMAN]

It's a boy. He's going to be an a**hole.

[To a MAN SMOKING A CIGARETTE]

Smoke all you want. You're gonna get hit by a bus.

[To a MAN WEARING A TOUPÉE]

That's not fooling anyone.

Clip 11

Aunt ShaNeequa is a spiritualist medium. Cindy has gone to her to discuss the video she saw and her likely impending death.

Aunt ShaNeequa

Please. Sit.

[CINDY sits in a large, red armchair and a sound suspiciously similar to a fart is heard]

Cindy

It was the chair.

Aunt ShaNeequa

Hmm.

[Sits in an identical armchair but this is definitely a fart]

Hmm. Yes. The chair.

Clip 12

It's annoying when someone else finishes your sentences for you, isn't it? Makes you want to punch them in the face after a while, doesn't it? Even if that person is a spiritualist medium.

Cindy

So, can you tell me about -

Aunt ShaNeequa

The tape?

Cindy

Yes. I watched it and -

Aunt ShaNeequa

The phone rang.

Cindy

Right and then this voice said -

Aunt ShaNeequa

That you would die in seven days.

Cindy

Okay, that's getting -

Aunt ShaNeequa

Extremely annoying.

Cindy

Yeah.

Orpheus

Try being married to her. I catch sh*t about women I ain't slept with yet!

Clip 13

If you're awoken by spooky singing from your child's bedroom and you go in to find her covered with a white sheet playing with creepy marionettes, it's probably not your daughter under there.

Tom

Sue?

Sue

I can't sleep.

Tom

Well, it's way past your bedtime.

Sue

Why don't you rock me to sleep in your big, strong arms? There's plenty of room under the covers. It's a hot night. You don't need to wear pyjamas.

Tom

Where is my daughter?

Sue

Are you mad? I am your daughter.

Tom

No, you're not.

[TOM rips away the sheet that was covering the person on the floor only to discover MICHAEL JACKSON hiding beneath it]

Michael Jackson

[Screams]

Tom

Come here. What did you do with Sue?

Michael Jackson

I didn't touch her. I swear.

Tom

I don't believe you.

Michael Jackson

Please, for God's sakes... she's a girl!

Tom

Oh, you sick...

[A fight predictably breaks out]

Clip 14

Cindy's a News Anchor and wants to report on the death tape live on air. Her producer is against it. But that doesn't stop her getting to the teleprompter keyboard.

New Anchor

Meanwhile, a tornado in Charleston threatens a clothing-optional beach where, just yesterday, a naked couple was brutally murdered. This just five miles from the spot...

Cindy

[Running up to the AUTOCUE OPERATOR and knocking him aside on his wheeled chair]

I'm sorry. I have to do this.

News Anchor

...where the last naked couple was brutally murdered. Turning now to sports. And an evil videotape that kills anyone who watches it in seven days. It's true. We're all in danger. There's an alien force out there...

Carson

[Seeing this broadcast on a monitor]

Oh, no.

News Anchor

...that's trying to prevent you from knowing the truth.

Carson

[Approaching CINDY]

Campbell, are you insane?

News Anchor

Trust me, it's a horrible fate.

Cindy

Carson, I have to do this.

[CARSON takes control of the keyboard]

News Anchor

Do you hear me? Correction, there really is no danger. Actually, I didn't really mean anything I just said. Yes, I did. Every word of it. Everyone watching this could be dead in a week.

[The STUDIO CLEANER joins in the struggle causing the teleprompter to produce gibberish that the NEWS ANCHOR promptly reads]

News Anchor

(Gibberish) 1-3-4-19... 4-6-9...

[The STUDIO CLEANER now has control]

News Anchor

I been cleaning after this dumb-ass cracker, Giggins, for 10 years. But I been waxing his b**ch's ass for 12. Know what I'm saying, nig**r? I ride that ho like your mama rides the bus. She likes her some chocolate. Sharpton for President, y'all. I'm outty.

Clip 15

The President of the United States is meant to be composed, dignified and calm, even in a crisis. So quite where this came from is anyone's guess.

President

These men died for their country. Send flowers to their b**ches and hoes.