10 MP3 Audio clips from Peter Pan Goes Wrong (2016)

PLAY ALL 10 CLIPS

Clip 1

Dennis. What can I say about Dennis? He can't act and he can't remember his lines which is why he's being fed them via a conspicuous radio headset.

Michael

It's too early for bed, Wendy. You're turning into mother.

Wendy

Well I should love to be like mother.

John

[Receiving his lines via a conspicuous radio headset and delivering them in a monotonous manner]

Well I shouldn't. That would be ever so dreary, Wendy.

Clip 2

It's Dennis again. Being fed his lines from the wings via his radio headset. Problem is, he can't discern between lines of dialogue and stage direction.

John

Won't you sing us a lullaby, mother? No, Dennis. Speak with feeling for God's sake. NO! NO! NO! Don't repeat that, you idiot.

Clip 3

Dennis is now playing Mr. Smee, Captain Hook's loyal First Mate. Which he does with the same degree of professionalism and ability as his other roles. Absolutely none!

Mr. Smee

Captain! We shall find the Lost Boys aft.

[His headset begins to pick up interference]

You're listenin' to BBC Radio Three. That was a violin concerto in E-minor by Johann Bach.

Clip 4

Chris Bean is the Director of the play. He's also playing Captain Hook. And he doesn't like audience participation. Not one little bit. In his mind, this is not a pantomime but serious theatre.

Captain Hook

Ahhhh! Revenge is a grand thing.

Audience Member

OH NO, IT ISN'T!

Captain Hook

Yes, it is.

Audience

OH NO, IT ISN'T!

Captain Hook

Oh yes, it is.

Audience

OH NO, IT ISN'T!

Captain Hook

YES, IT IS!

Audience

OH NO, IT ISN'T!

Captain Hook

YES, IT IS! IT IS! YES, IT IS! 'COURSE IT IS! This is not a pantomime.

Audience

OH YES, IT IS!

Captain Hook

NO, IT ISN'T! SHUT UP!

Audience Member

BOO!

Captain Hook

DON'T BOO ME.

Audience

BOO!

Captain Hook

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF I BOOED YO? BOO! BOO! BOO! It's not nice, is it?

Clip 5

I'm not entirely sure why Tiger Lily has a (bad) American accent but that doesn't matter. What matters is that the stage-hand is now acting as a prompter, holding up cue cards for Dennis.

Tiger Lily

These words shan't be my last as Peter Pan shall save me.

Mr. Smee

This is a terrible show... of cowardice, Tiger Lily. We thought you'd put up more of a fight.

Tiger Lily

Brave men do not sneak upon defenceless girls. You are true cowards.

Mr. Smee

You can't act... in this way when the Captain arrives. You have a sharp tongue now but you shall tremble at the sight of Hook's impressive arse... senal of weapons back aboard the Jolly Roger.

Clip 6

If you're going to use pre-recorded dialogue in a stage show, for God's sake make sure you edit it to cut out any extraneous sound from the final cut. One word. Oops!

Captain Hook

Spirit! If you are Hook then who am I?

Spirit

A cod-piece!

Robert

Cut! And that will do. We are done for the day. All right, back up the...

Chris

Robert, I wanted... to, uh... talk to you about something.

Robert

What?

Chris

It's about Jonathan and Sandra.

Robert

[Laughs]

Chris

He's playing Peter Pan and she's playing Wendy. They shouldn't be sleeping together.

Robert

He's supposed to be the boy who couldn't grow up, not the boy who couldn't keep it in his pants. And she's just as bad. Flirting with everybody. It's no wonder that Max is obsessed with her.

Chris

Yes, that's why he wanted to play Peter. To get closer to her.

Robert

But Max can't act! He's terrible as Michael. And the crocodile. He's playing it like a mammal!

Chris

I know, Robert but we need his aunt. She runs the BBC. It's the only reason he's here.

Robert

What a loser!

Chris

Oop! Left the microphone on.

Robert

Ah.

Clip 7

When something goes wrong during a play, it's often the role of the narrator to fill in. To keep the audience amused and distracted whilst things are put right. And... cue David!

David Suchet

Um... I'm... I'm terribly sorry ladies and gentlemen, but we seem to have a slight difficulty here. Um, many of you may have noticed that Peter Pan took a rather nasty unrehearsed fall there.

[Pauses]

Obviously he wasn't thinking his happy thoughts.

[PETER PAN is carried across the stage on a stretcher by a stage-hand and a paramedic]

Stage Hand

Quickly, bring him through.

Paramedic

He's lost so much blood.

David Suchet

Anyhow, I'm sure Peter Pan's injuries will be... less severe than those sustained in a production of Oliver! The Musical in which I appeared many years ago now. In the number "Boy for Sale," yeah?

[He performs a single line from the song]

Our overenthusiastic Mr. Bumble tripped backwards onto one of the frailer workhouse children... crushing him. You see, regrettably, my car was parked in the ambulance bay, and... and that prevented the paramedics from getting to the poor child, and very sadly; he passed away. And I can't help but feel partially responsible for this tragic event because it was, as I say, it was my car that stopped medical aid getting to the poor child but also because...

[Long pause]

I was playing Mr. Bumble.

Clip 8

Sandra is now playing Tinkerbell and the stage-hand is playing Peter. Because the cast members who originally played them have been grievously injured. The stage-hand is reading from the typed script.

Tinkerbell

This all sounds wonderful but first you must have your dinner.

Stage-Hand

Um, um... Peter begins to eat Tinkerbell.

Clip 9

Chris Bean really doesn't appreciate the audience treating what he feels is a dramatic masterpiece as a lowly pantomime. Not that you can tell from his reaction to their heckling. Not at all.

David Suchet

But little did Peter, Wendy or the Lost Boys know that Hook lurked among the trees and his men kidnapped the children.

Audience

BOO! HISS!

Captain Hook

OH, GROW UP!

Clip 10

This is the last straw. The poisoning scene, ruined by neanderthals in the audience treating Peter Pan as a... well, as a pantomime. Can you believe that?!

Audience

[Upon CAPTAIN HOOK entering the stage]

BOO!

Captain Hook

Now... where is Peter Pan?

Audience

HE'S BEHIND YOU!

Captain Hook

Where is Peter Pan?

Audience

HE'S BEHIND YOU!

Captain Hook

I KNOW! I KNOW! I KNOW HE'S BEHIND ME! I DIRECTED THE SHOW! I TOLD HIM TO GO THERE! YOU HAVE TO LET ME FIND HIM. IDIOTS!

[He regains his composure]

Where is Pe... oh, there he is!