17 MP3 Audio clips from Schitt's Creek (2015)

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The mayor of Schitt Creek is Roland Schitt. And having warmly welcomed the Rose family to his little town, he's become slightly over-attentive. In fact, it's time he was leaving their motel room.

Roland Schitt

Oh, look! You've got, uh... Channel 19!

Johnny Rose

ROLAND, COULD YOU GET THE FU*K OUT?! That was an over-reaction. That was uncalled for. It's just... you know, we're a little tired. It's been a long day. There's a... pharmacy worth of drugs wearing off in most of us, right now and I just think as a family we need a little time to chill.

Roland Schitt

Johnny, please. You... you don't have to apologise and you... you really don't have to hit me over the head with this sort of thing. I... I get it, you... you need your little family time and all that.

Johhny Rose

Sure.

Roland Schitt

No problem. You know what I'll do, I'll... um, I'll just get... the fu*k... out of here.

Twyla is the only employee of the local café and she's surprisingly knowledgeable about the Rose family's predicament. And Spanish. That, too.

Moira Rose

Oh, hello!

Twyla

Hi! I'm Twyla. I'll be your waitress today. Anyway, I read about you guys and everything you've gone through. Sounds super crappy.

Johnny Rose

Super crappy?

Twyla

I had a second cousin in Elmdale who did telemarketing. He made a tonne of money. Turns out his entire business was illegal and he lost everything.

Johnny Rose

Hmm. Not quite the same.

Twyla

Yeah... no, he went to prison which was terrible but... but he is learning Spanish, uh... No más. Duele! I think it means Stop. It hurts!

Alexis has problems. But they're very much first world problems. Her boyfriend's name is Stavros for a start. How stereotypical can you get? I mean, is anyone actually called Stavros?

Alexis Rose

Stavros just texted me. And he ended it. He's not coming. He says that he doesn't have time to come and get me because he already RSVP'd to Dee Dee's White Party. And he doesn't have time to do both but I was supposed to be his date to the White Party.

Johnny Rose

Alexis... he was never my favourite Stavros. I've hated that guy ever since he asked me to do lines with him at my sixtieth.

Don't worry. Alexis is so over Stavros. She's looking for a new guy. A very specific guy. Basically a grease monkey with pouty lips, an athletic body and a... neck tattoo.

Alexis Rose

Okay, so I'm looking for a guy... like a mechanic or someone that hammers stuff. Um, at least 5'7", kinda like full lips, athletic body... maybe a neck tattoo would be cute?

David Rose

No. It wouldn't.

Be careful what you wish for. Fantasies are sometimes best left to the imagination. Because when you try to realise a fantasy in real life, someone's probably going to get hurt. Or excited.

Roland Schitt

Okay, I'll tell you what, Vivien.

Moira Rose

MOIRA!

Roland Schitt

I will go ahead and sign off on this sale...

Moira Rose

Good.

Roland Schitt

... for a slap.

Moira Rose

Excuse me?

Roland Schitt

I've always wanted to be slapped by Vivien Blake.

Jocelyn Schitt

It's true. We've role-played it a thousand times but... it is not the real thing.

Moira Rose

You'd like me to slap you?

Roland Schitt

Yeah.

Moira Rose

I don't think that I'll -

Roland Schitt

Well don't think, just do it.

Johnny Rose

Slap him, Moira.

Roland Schitt

Slap me.

Moira Rose

I won't.

Jocelyn Schitt

Slap him, Moira.

Johnny Rose

Go ahead and slap him.

Jocelyn Schitt

Slap him. Slap my husband, Moira.

Moira Rose

John, I won't.

Johhny Rose

Slap him. I'll slap him!

Roland Schitt

Slap me.

Moira Rose

I won't.

Roland Schitt

Slap me like a b**ch!

[MOIRA slaps ROLAND across the face. Palm, back of hand and palm again. A triple whammy]

Moira Rose

SIGN THE FU*KING CONTRACT!

The welcome sign to Schitt Creek features a lady bending over by a lake with a man standing right behind her, hand on her hip and waving his hat. It looks like he's... yeah. That.

Roland Schitt

That is my great-grandfather up there. Horace Schitt. He was a visionary, Johnny. He discovered this land, he developed it and he turned it into the little slice of heaven that it is. And I'm proud of it. You understand that?

Johnny Rose

Roland, you've got this all wrong.

Roland Schitt

Why do you hate me?

Johnny Rose

I DON'T hate you. I don't hate you!

Roland Schitt

Well then, why do you have a problem with a sign that celebrates my family?

Johnny Rose

It's not... it's just the way they're celebrating... that's all.

Roland Schitt

Okay, so now you hate my family.

Johnny Rose

I don't hate your family.

Roland Schitt

Well then, what is your big, fat problem with the sign?

Johnny Rose

IT LOOKS LIKE YOUR GREAT-GRANDFATHER'S FU*KING YOUR GREAT-GRANDMOTHER RIGHT UP THE ASS!

Roland Schitt

Oh my G... that is so demented!

Johnny Rose

You can't tell me you don't see that.

Roland Schitt

Well, you know... now that you've put that creepy thought in my head, sure... I... I see it but... you've got it all wrong, pal. Let me enlighten you, Mister Johnny Rose. That isn't even Horace's wife. That's his sister.

Johnny Rose

Well, how does that make it any better?

Roland Schitt

Well, I don't know how they do things where you come from but around these parts we don't do that sort of thing with our sisters.

Johnny Rose

Roland... how is anybody driving past this sign supposed to know the woman getting banged from behind is that man's sister?

You've played Two Truths and a Lie, right? Or at least heard of it? Well, this is Johnny's idea for a little "get to know you" with his kids. It doesn't end well, to be honest.

Johnny Rose

Here's how it goes. I'll give you an example.

David Rose

Why don't I start? Um... I'm miserable, drunk and hate this game. So... here's a hint... sadly I'm not drunk.

Johnny Rose

Okay. Wrong attitude. That's the wrong... right off the top.

Alexis Rose

My turn, my turn, my turn, my turn! Um, okay... my eyes are brown, I'm basically sample size and one time I escaped from a Thai drug lord's car trunk by bribing him with sex.

Johnny Rose

Right idea, honey but you know what? It's gotta be more challenging for everybody in the room.

Moira Rose

Her eyes are aqua.

Johnny Rose

You did WHAT?!

Moira and Johnny are enjoying some "alone time" in the motel room adjoining the one occupied by their kids. And the communicating door doesn't lock. What could possibly go wrong?

[We hear JOHNNY and MOIRA enjoying themselves in a "special cuddle" kind of a way as DAVID walks into the room]

David Rose

Could you spare some, uh... oh my GOD! OH MY GOD!

Moira Rose

DAVID!

David Rose

Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!

Alexis Rose

Oh my God, what's happening?

David Rose

I saw Hell, is what's happening. Oh my God!

[JOHNNY enters the room via the communicating door now, thankfully, dressed]

Johnny Rose

David... what you just saw was your mother and me -

David Rose

I know what I saw and I cannot un-see that.

Johnny Rose

- having an intimate moment. Okay, and I refuse to feel guilty about being in bed with my wife.

Alexis Rose

Oooooh, oooooh, oooooh!

Moira Rose

I hate to be the one to tell you but having sex is not just about making children so they can grow up and make you feel bad about having sex.

Alexis Rose

Oh my God, can you stop this please?

Moira Rose

I will not be shamed. Shame on you.

David Rose

Shame on you for attempting that position at eight o'clock in the morning.

Moira Rose

John?

Johnny Rose

You know what? Do you know how difficult it is for us to share a wall with you two?

David Rose

I do now!

Johnny Rose

Yes, well... if you don't mind, we're now going back into our room and don't even think about opening that door.

Moira Rose

Are you serious?

Johhny Rose

Next time.

Having the lock on the communicating door between the room he shares with his wife and the one occupied by his kids is Johnny's number one priority. But Roland has another idea.

Johnny Rose

I just need the door fixed.

Roland Schitt

Well, how about I do you one better? We got a cabin up by the lake. It's... just a little love nest for the lady and me, you know... when we wanna spark the old spark from time to time. My gift to you and yours for the night.

Johnny Rose

So generous but I'm gonna take a pass.

Jocelyn Schitt

Hey, Johhny.

Johnny Rose

Jocelyn.

Jocelyn Schitt

How are you?

Johnny Rose

Uh, good. Good. Very good.

Roland Schitt

Sex life's in the crapper. I've just offered him the cabin.

Johnny Rose

That is so not true.

Jocelyn Schitt

I knew something was wrong.

Johnny Rose

N... nothing is wrong.

Jocelyn Schitt

You should take the cabin. I wouldn't wanna see your relationship get any worse.

Johnny Rose

No, our relationship is fine. It's just... uh, a privacy issue and I was -

Roland Schitt

Come on, come on, come on... take the cabin. Okay? And, um... feel free to use the restraints. We keep 'em under the bed, so -

Johnny Rose

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Jocelyn Schitt

Pick a safe word!

Johnny Rose

Hmm.

Well, this conversation went South pretty quickly. Moira is not, it seems, as attentive and loving a mother as she makes out. She took the wrong baby home from preschool? Sheesh!

Moira Rose

Your father and I have some very important news.

Alexis Rose

If you tell me that you're pregnant I'm gonna vomit on this floor right now.

Moira Rose

[Laughing]

Oh, can you imagine?!

Johnny Rose

We're planning a trip.

David Rose

Okay.

Johnny Rose

Just... to a... cabin overnight. And we request that the two of you not try to contact us for the next twenty-four hours.

David Rose

I really appreciate you doing that for me.

Johnny Rose

I'm doing it for us.

David Rose

Well, it's to my benefit.

Alexis Rose

Um... why don't you guys stay at the cabin for longer?

Moira Rose

Oh, I would never just abandon you two in a motel in the middle of nowhere.

David Rose

Didn't you once take the wrong baby home from preschool?

Moira Rose

Alexis looked Chinese as an infant. How many times must I defend myself?

Is Moira really daytime television's brightest star? Her tenure in the show Sunrise Bay was years ago. Her career is now all washed up. And now she's starring in a commercial for a local fruit wine.

Johnny Rose

You're daytime television's brightest star. All you have to do is go out there and shine.

Moira Rose

I'm gonna f... I'm gonna fu*king nail it!

Johnny Rose

Okay!

Bob. You know... Bob. The guy who owned the cabin Johnny and Moira had sex in. While Bob and his wife politely sat in the room next door, waiting for them to finish? Yeah. Him.

Johnny Rose

Is everything... okay?

Jocelyn Schitt

We've got some sad news.

Roland Schitt

Uhhh... someone very close has died.

Johnny Rose

Oh.

Moira Rose

Sorry.

Jocelyn Schitt

You remember Bob?

Moira Rose

No.

Roland Schitt

You... you broke into his cabin and had sex while he and his wife were in the next room.

Moira Rose

Oh... that's Bob.

That's the thing with little towns, I guess. Almost everyone is distantly related. But in Schitt Creek, those bloodlines run pretty close. VERY close, in fact. Cue the banjos.

David Rose

Have you seen the couple that checked in? They're like... really scummy. Like... very scaggy people who happened to produce a child that hasn't been taken away from them yet.

Stevie Budd

Yeah, imagine being related to them.

David Rose

I can't. It's too early.

Stevie Budd

They're my cousins.

David Rose

Oh... well, the... um, the baby's relatively normal-looking.

Stevie Budd

No, they're definitely scaggy.

David Rose

My God, they're so skanky. Hmm. Wait... so you're related to Carl?

Stevie Budd

No genetically. My mom's sister was married to Carl. Carl is Sean's stepdad.

David Rose

And was that a factor in the cause of death?

Stevie Budd

I wouldn't be surprised. They broke up right before Sean got Bree pregnant. Or someone got Bree pregnant. I mean, Bree's not exactly fussy when it comes to introducing men to her vagina.

David Rose

Hmm. Charming.

David is high. Stevie is high. And not on life. No. On Sean's hidden (and sizeable) stash of marijuana. And David is wearing Sean's hat. It's a belter.

David Rose

You know where I got my hat, bruh?

Stevie Budd

Where?

David Rose

A**holes-R-Us!

When Johnny flounders at Carl's funeral, Moira saves the day with an impromptu performance of Danny Boy. And her rendition has set the town ablaze with admiration, apparently.

Jocelyn Schitt

Moira. Your Danny Boy? What a voice.

Roland Schitt

Yeah. I... I'd really like you to sing at my cousin's funeral. She's not dead but.. .she's been coughing a lot lately.

Figuring out someone's sexual preferences can be awkward. So Stevie's use of a wine analogy was inspired. And I think we can all understand David a little better for it. Possibly. Hmm.

Stevie Budd

So... just to be clear, um... I'm a red wine drinker.

David Rose

That's fine.

Stevie Budd

Okay, cool. But, uh... I only drink red wine.

David Rose

Okay.

Stevie Budd

And, up until last night, I was under the impression that... you, too only drank red wine. But I guess I was wrong.

David Rose

I see where you're going with this. Um, I do drink red wine. But I also drink white wine.

Stevie Budd

Oh.

David Rose

And I've been known to sample the occasional rosé. And a couple summers back I tried a Merlot that used to be a Chardonnay.

Stevie Budd

Oh.

David Rose

Which got a little complicated.

Stevie Budd

Okay. Yeah, so you're just really open to all wines.

David Rose

I like the wine but not the label. Does that make sense?

Stevie Budd

Yes. It does.

David Rose

Okay.

You have to feel for Ted. He's the local vet, very quiet, very subservient but he's fallen head-over-heels for Alexis and he wants to make an honest woman of her. Alexis, however...

Ted Mullins

Alexis Claire Rose... will you marry me?

Alexis Rose

Uh... um... yes! If we were staying then... yes. A thousand times yes. And if things were different and I wasn't leaving then, um.. definitely yes.

Ted Mullins

So... is that a no?

Alexis Rose

Yes.