9 MP3 Audio clips from Central Intelligence (2016)
Robbie Weirdicht was every bully's favourite victim at High School. But now he's all grown up and an agent for the CIA. When he makes contact with Calvin Joyner (the only guy at High School who was nice to him) little does Calvin know that his life is about to get turned upside down in a world of espionage and danger.
Robbie Weirdicht was every bully's favourite victim at High School. But now he's all grown up and an agent for the CIA. When he makes contact with Calvin Joyner (the only guy at High School who was nice to him) little does Calvin know that his life is about to get turned upside down in a world of espionage and danger.
Every office has a Steve. And in Calvin's office it's... Steve. A guy you love to hate. A guy you'd happily punch all night and never get bored. You know what I mean?
Steve
Why are you all cranky pants this morning, huh? Oh... it's because Ethan got promoted instead of you?
Calvin
Ethan got promoted?
Steve
Youngest Senior Associate in the history of the firm. Corner office... the whole deal. Didn't he used to be your assistant? Who cares? Hey! You should come to lunch with us. We're gonna be celebrating his pro-mosh. Probably be good for you to kiss the ring a bit.
Calvin
Kiss the ring a bit?
Steve
Hey, no... you play your chessboard however you like. Okay? Me? Lunch today... I'm gonna french-kiss that thing.
[STEVE makes a frankly obscene gesture with his tongue]
Clip 2
It's easy to forget those you went to school with. But you'll remember any one of them given the right memory cue. Like a kid getting thrown into a crowded gym butt-naked, for example.
Calvin
You remember Robbie Weirdicht from, uh... from High School?
Maggie
No.
Calvin
The guy who got beaten up by Trish D'Marco at home coming?
Maggie
No.
Calvin
The kid who tried rapping on Coolio's 1-2-3-4 at the talent show but then he kinda lost his way mid-way through so he just started bobbing his head and he stood there?
Maggie
No. Nothing.
Calvin
The guy who got thrown out the gym butt-ass naked, senior year?
Maggie
Oh my God, yeah! Why wouldn't you start with that?
Clip 3
Every bar in every city in every country there's one short man who thinks he's a tough guy. And in this particular bar, that man is Slaine. But he's bitten off more than he can reasonably chew.
Slaine
Why don't you and your boyfriend apologise to Big Rick, here and then go jerk each-other in the parking lot?
Calvin
That's... that's... that's a lot.
Bob
Yeah you're right, CJ, that's a lot of homophobia coming out of a very angry man. You need to go get that looked at by a trained professional. But, since you have escalated this whole scenario by bringing what I can only assume is an unlicensed firearm into this public place, endangering the lives of all these innocent people, I can no longer in good conscience walk away and... jerk anyone off in the parking lot. I'm afraid we ain't goin' anywhere.
Clip 4
Funny how in times of immense stress, when you've switched to fight or flight mode, your body decides it's necessary to lose weight by evacuating your bowels into your pants, huh?
Agent Harris
Mr. Joyner, your friend Bob Stone is a dangerous psychotic. You're lucky to be alive.
Calvin
Okay, listen to me. This man is not, I repeat to you... he is NOT, NOT my friend. Zero allegiance.
Agent Harris
All right, Mr. Joyner. Prove it.
Calvin
Hey, yeah... well I need a second. You... you gotta step outside. I gotta... I gotta take a sh*t. This is a lot. I got to go. Just give me a second, man. Jesus Christ!
Clip 5
Like all good plans, this one will either get Bob and Calvin killed or it'll be a totally boss story. How could Calvin not be cool with that?!
Bob
I gotta plan. It might get us both killed but if it works, it'll be a totally boss story. Cool?
Calvin
No! No, it's not cool.
Bob
Cool.
Calvin
No, I said it's not cool!
Clip 6
You ever been scared sh*t-less? I mean, actually sh*t-less? Well, that's what Calvin is right now. If he sat down on a toilet right now, nothing's coming out.
Agent Harris
Relax, Mr. Joyner. I believe you.
Calvin
Okay, thank you.
Agent Harris
Trust me, I know a scared sh*t-less civilian when I see one. You don't have to convince me.
Calvin
That... you got 'im. Over here. That's me. Right now? I'm... I'm not comfortable. Okay... I am scared... okay, I... I don't have no sh*t in my system. If I sat down on a toilet, nothing's coming out. Farts are just air.
[Unnecessarily, CALVIN begins making farting noises to illustrate his point]
Clip 7
If you're a CIA agent, it's probably not advisable to watch porn on your service-issued iPad. It's not illegal but it's really not a very good idea.
Agent Harris
This is all that's left of Phil.
[AGENT MITCHELL passes an iPad to CALVIN, intending to show him a photograph of a bloodied human ear]
Calvin
Um, this is PornHub.
Agent Mitchell
Oh. Sh*t, sh*t, sh*t! Sorry.
Clip 8
Escaping from a CIA facility should NOT be this easy. I guess they should train their security staff better than this. Always check your corners, guys!
CIA Agent
Wrong key-card, pal. Turn around. You needed this one.
[The AGENT shows CALVIN a key-card hanging from a lanyard around his neck]
On the ground, now.
Calvin
Can... can I say something first?
CIA Agent
What?
Calvin
This is gonna hurt.
[The AGENT is body-slammed into the door by BOB who he hadn't noticed behind him]
Clip 9
Bob needs a distraction in order to liberate a small aircraft from a private airfield. Calvin is that distraction. And his approach is... unique to say the least.
Calvin
Hey! I, uh... I need a plane.
Security
Sir, you cannot be in here. This is a private airfield.
Calvin
I understand that but I have a organ in this cooler right now, needs to get transported ASAP.
Security
Really? Because my sister-in-law had a heart transplant last year and they did not bring it in a Playmate lunch cooler.
Calvin
Well, I hate to break it to you but this not a, uh... this is not a heart.