8 MP3 Audio clips from Identity Thief (2013)

PLAY ALL 8 CLIPS

Clip 1

Diana is Sandy. Well, she's not. Sandy is Sandy. Diana has stolen Sandy's identity. And here she is, blatantly hitting on a store clerk. Hard.

Diana

My friends took me out for my birthday. They... made a big deal out of me turning thirty. I was like, "Thirty? What?! No way!" I mean, I hit... I hit it pretty hard in my twenties, so... Do you like to hit it hard? I bet you do. I bet you can hit that... so hard!

Clip 2

Sandy's card has been declined at a gas station. He's gone inside to sort it out and the attendant has cut his card in two, posting both halves back through the Perspex.

Gas Station Attendant

Go pay your bills, Randy.

Sandy

It's Sandy.

Gas Station Attendant

Sandy?! ¿Tienes nombre de mujer? ¡Mi nombre es Sandy! Yoy so Sandy!

(Sandy?! You have a woman's name?! My name's Sandy! I am Sandy!)

Clip 3

It's a long drive back to Denver and they have to eat some time. So Sandy and, er... Sandy stop off at a diner where Sandy lays down the rules to... Diana. That's her real name. Diana.

Sandy

Now, I have allotted each of us eight dollars per meal. So it looks like you can get one of the, uh... one of the salads or a soup, or...

[To the SERVER]

Sorry, I'm quick. Uh, the tomato soup for me, please. That'll do it.

Diana

I'm gonna take a full slab of the baby backs and I'm gonna take that with mashed taters, hush puppies and I'm gonna get a, uh... I'm gonna have a sweet tea.

Sandy

The fu*k you are!

Diana

I don't know what that means.

Sandy

I asked you to eat less food.

Server

What is wrong with you? This is a beautiful woman. You let her eat.

Diana

No, he's right. No, I've put on a little bit of weight because of all the stress. Walter's a fireman...

Sandy

[Sighs]

Diana

It's okay. It's okay. He was in a pretty... pretty intense -

Sandy

She doesn't care.

Diana

- accident last year and he... he injured his male parts. They're just shredded down there. And now he can't work. He wants to fight fires and... he wants to pee standing up. You wanna pee standing up, I know you do. But he can't.

Sandy

Just bring two soups.

Diana

And he can't lay with me like a husband should on account of the injury. And I don't even need him to but he gets mad at me and takes his anger out on me and then I feel bad about myself and I feel ugly and then I eat. Lord knows, I know I eat.

Server

No, no, no... you just wait right here, sweetheart, okay?

Diana

Okay.

Clip 4

And now to find a hotel room for the night. Affordable, convenient, separate beds. Well, this place ticks TWO of those boxes. But it looks like they're going to be topping and tailing tonight.

Sandy

Hey, how you doin'? I need one room, two beds, please.

Hotel Receptionist

Oh, sorry. We only have single beds left tonight.

Sandy

Are you kidding me?

Hotel Receptionist

Nope.

Diana

We don't really mind. I mean, it's an inconvenience but... you know, my husband can't really... digest stuff anyway because of his intestinal surgery, so just comp. us the mini-bar. He can digest Pringles.

Sandy

Right. That's right. I'm Walt. This is the wife, Myra. She's a functional idiot. Wears diapers like a chimp. Running her down to Disneyland. She loves the noise and the sugar.

Diana

He's just tired from the drive.

Sandy

We need to figure out the mattress thing because even thought I can't have sex with her due to my c*ck and balls getting shot off in an apparent warehouse fire -

Hotel Receptionist

Oh, sh*t!

Sandy

- I wouldn't share a bed with her, anyway. I'd much rather sleep on the floor. You wanna know why?

Hotel Receptionist

'Cause you've got no d*ck?

Sandy

Close. It's because she repulses me. She's the worst person I've ever met.

Diana

Screw you!

Clip 5

It's the morning after the night before. Diana has been ridden ragged by Big Chuck and... let's just say there's a bit of chaffing in the downstairs department, shall we?

Sandy

Morning!

Diana

I just have... flashes of, like... hearing an elephant and... God, I'm just real sore.

Sandy

I'll bet you're just torn to sh*t. Get in the car.

Diana

I think he really ripped it.

Clip 6

It's nine-hundred miles to Denver, it's dark and they're NOT wearing sunglasses. Diana's not wearing her seatbelt and Sandy... is probably not using a tampon. But he might as well be.

Diana

So, what... nine-hundred miles to Denver?

Sandy

Yeah.

Diana

All right. Here we go, huh?

Sandy

You wanna buckle up?

Diana

You wanna take your tampon out?!

Clip 7

Diana feels that it's necessary to reassure Trish that she didn't sleep with her husband at any stage during their road-trip from Florida to Denver. There was no need. Really.

Diana

I, uh... I know you're... you're probably wondering, you know... what... what happened, you know... on our whole trip and, uh... the open road and I just wanted to put your mind at ease that, you know... nothing happened. Between... the two of us. So... I mean I put off a pretty intense vibe, you know... sexually. Not intentionally. I just, you know... there's, um... I put out a musk. I just want you to know that I put it out there but he did not pick it up. And, you know, there's... surprising, 'cause I don't know if you've heard of the Bermuda Triangle. Once you go in, it's real hard to come back out. You know, because some people don't want to. Some people just get lost in there... emotionally. Um, I just wanted you to know that he was a perfect gentleman and he did not lay a finger... on or in me.

Clip 8

Spoiler alert! Diana has been sent to jail for fraud. But she and Sandy are still friends. And on a visit, he gives her the one thing she's never had. Her real name. But it's... well, it's sh*t!

Sandy

I got you something. I pulled some strings with Riley and we ran your fingerprints through the Wisconsin State Database. And we got that.

[DIANA pulls a birth certificate out of an envelope]

Diana

My name! Dawn Budgie. That's a terrible fu*king name!