22 MP3 Audio clips from This Time with Alan Partridge (2019)

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Alan has no inner-monologue. No filter. He thinks something and it just comes tumbling out of his mouth like marbles from a broken jar.

Jennie

First, we preview a programme about the plight of pint-sized seal pups. God, bit of a mouthful.

Alan

More p's in it than a pensioner's pamper! Should I say that?

Jennie

No, I wouldn't. Got lots to get through.

Alan

Got it.

Jennie

Alan Partridge there. Who I feel we know a bit more intimately now.

Alan

Steady, missus. I've not even taken you for dinner yet!

Jennie

I'm a married woman I'll have you know.

Alan

Oh. I was told you were separated.

[There's an understandably awkward silence]

Jennie

Coming up, we'll be talking vegetarianism and gambling. But first, we preview a programme about the plight of pint-sized seal pups. Goodness, that's got more p's in it than a pensioner's pamper.

[The audience laugh when Jennie says it]

Yes, we're off to the Antarctic to take a look at these little fellas.

Floor Manager

Ten seconds on VT.

Jennie

Oh, God. So sorry about that. You know when something just pops into your head?

Alan

Oh, God. No, no, it's fine. It's fine. It's fine.

Floor Manager

We're on in five... four...

Alan

No, if it was an accident, then it's fine.

Jennie

Yeah, it was an accident.

Alan

It's fine.

Jennie

Good.

Alan can see what he's done. But can you spot it? The guest is Alice Fluck. That's very close to a curse-word. But then so is Clunt which is what Alan thinks her name is.

Alan

Here to tell us more about these moustachioed mammals is the show's creator, Alice Clunt. Welcome.

Alice

Oh, it's... it's Alice Fluck.

Alan

Right. I see what I've done.

Again, Alan needs to engage his filter. He needs to put his mouth in park and decide whether what he's about to say is relevant, important and sensible or basically stupid.

Jennie

Now, Alice... uh, the film ends with the sound of the seal cry and it's quite a sound isn't it?

Alice

Yeah.

Jennie

Actually, let's hear it.

[Audio of a seal pup's cry fills the studio]

Alice

It's not a sound you forget.

Alan

When I heard that, I had an overwhelming sense of Gary Numan. And do you know the other musician I was thinking of? Don't know why. Seal. I do know why.

It's that name again. Alan has it in his head that she's called Alice Clunt. But she's not. She's called Alice Fluck. And it's about to get a whole lot worse.

Jennie

And you can see the whole of Alice's film on BBC1 tomorrow night.

Alan

Alice Clunt -

Alice

Fluck.

Alan

Fu*k.

Jennie

Fluck.

Alan

Thank you very much for joining us.

Yeah, uh... Alan. That filter thing. I mean, what the fu*k?! Where did you even get this from? What man says the words smooth, fat and teenage boy in the same sentence? Christ!

Jennie

Now, when we think of farming, we think of The Archers, All Creatures Great and Small, sprawling acres across rolling hills.

Alan

Yes, a tumble-down farmhouse nestled in the cleavage of soft bosomy downs.

Jennie

Ooh!

Alan

Can you say cleavage?

Jennie

I think so.

Alan

Can you say bosom? It might not be a woman. It might just be a very smooth, fat teenage boy.

In one of his regular roving investigations, Alan is speaking to Professor Jean Chaudhary about how handwashing can help to prevent the spread of germs. Well... DUH!

Alan

Jean. Hand washing. How often should we be washing them?

Jean Chaudhary

Well, any time we come into contact with bacteria. So, um... after going to the toilet -

Alan

Agreed.

Jean Chaudhary

Uh, after handling raw meat -

Alan

Right and that's separate, isn't it? That's not a euphemism for the first one.

Jean Chaudhary

No.

I don't read the bible but if I did (and we know that Lynn does) I wouldn't describe Samson's wife, Delilah as (and I quote), a slag.

Lynn

What do you think of Jennie?

Alan

She seems nice.

Lynn

That's twice she's pinched your joke. She's trying to rob you of your strength. Like Delilah.

Alan

Delilah?

Lynn

The slag from the bible.

Lynn has a sharp tongue. What might sound like a compliment on first audition will usually turn out to be something pretty hurtful. Especially if you're an attractive young woman. Jealousy is awful.

Lynn

I like your red red top.

Jennie

Oh, thank you.

Lynn

I saw a lady wearing one just like that outside a train station. She was enjoying a cigarette. Her top matched her lipstick. I think she was waiting for someone. Mmmm. It's very pretty.

John Baskell has passed away at the weekend and on Monday's show, they're paying tribute to their fallen presenter. Alan tries to big the guy up but he gets his words muddled.

Alan

He cared so much about the homeless. Uh, he used to bring them off in the street.

Jennie

He used to bring them in off the street.

Alan

What did I say?

Jennie

You said... he... you said something else.

Alan

Oh, God, yes! Sorry. Sorry. He... my mistake -

Jennie

Yes.

Alan

He used to bring them off in the street.

Jennie

He'd bring them in off the street, yeah.

Alan is very much interested in replacing John Baskell full-time and so when certain allegations begin to appear on Twitter, he quickly monopolises on it by reading them out live on air.

Jennie

So War Machine starts on Tuesday night.

Alan

Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Uh-oh. Ah-ah. Ah...

[The camera closes on the Twitter feed and there's an unsavoury tweet shown on it]

Jennie

Uh, right... uh, apologies, uh if anyone saw that. The... feed is unmoderated so, uh... once again, uh... apologies from us.

Alan

Absolutely. Are we cutting to that?

Jennie

No.

Alan

I don't think... I don't think we're cutting... I should read it, though. Um, it's... it's just a tweet, it says, "All this BS about what a great guy John was, pass me the sick bag."

Jennie

Well -

Alan

Another one says, "He gave me a pottery lesson and sat behind me wearing speedos and saying I'm like Patrick Swayze in Ghost.

Jennie

Uh, well... it's... let's not assume -

Alan

Same person goes on to say, "It started off as a vase but by the time he'd finished fondling me, it was just a very wide ashtray." Oh that's sad.

Jennie

Oh, well... all we know right now is there are some messages on Twitter which is unregulated -

Alan

A...a...absolutely. There's one more, uh... just says, "I once took a cup of tea to his dress -

[The main studio screen cuts to a scenic picture to stop Alan from reading the tweet out]

What's that? Ah, it's the panic shot of the South Downs. But there's... it's still on the monitor here. It says, "I once took a cup of tea to his dressing room and he flopped his gown open, gyrated his hips and twirled his penis around saying I'm a Catherine Wheel. Brackets my name is Catherine."

Jennie

Uh, important to say these messages are unsubstantiated.

Alan

Yeah, just goes to show he was able to make a serviceable pun even from those traumatic situations. I suppose that was his gift.

Verbal diarrhoea again, I'm afraid. Alan tries to be bawdy but ends up sounding distinctly pervy in this opening from his third show.

Alan

Good evening.

Jennie

Good evening. And welcome to This Time with me Jennie Gresham and the man I am delighted, no... tickled pink to announce is my new, permanent co-host, Alan Partridge.

Alan

I'd like to tickle your pink. Uh, tickle you pink.

Anecdotes. They can be interesting, funny and even heart-warming. Unless you're Alan Partridge. If you're Alan Partridge, they're more likely to be vaguely dark and disturbing.

Alan

I enjoy lots of meat.

Jennie

Did you know that I'm actually a pescatarian now? I just started to think if you're not prepared to kill the animal yourself, you shouldn't be eating it.

Alan

I think... I think I'd be prepared to hunt down a chicken. I actually once saw a man behead a chicken. Yeah, just ran around in circles and then...

[He mimes the chicken collapsing to the ground]

Alan

Yeah. Stays with you, stuff like that.

Jennie

Well, farms can be quite unsentimental places, can't they?

Alan

They can. Yes. Although this was in a car park.

Dreams. Some people claim to be able to decipher meanings from them. Well, good luck deciphering the meaning of this monstrosity. A prostitute made of ham? Holy fu*k!

I've just woken up from having my regular prostitute dream. It's fine. I have it all the time. And it got to the part where I was gargling mouthwash in the bathroom and I looked up and Bianca was leaning against the wall and I said, "I thought I told you to stay in the bedroom." And then she, uh... un-twizzled her dressing gown and as it dropped to the floor, I saw that she was made completely of ham. I think I ate her.

Alan is presenting a short film about corporal punishment in schools. He returns to his former school, St. Jude's where, apparently, violence against children used to be commonplace.

Alan (V/O)

Today, the corridors of St. Jude's are alive with the sound of laughter and play. Back then, however, the school echoed with an altogether different noise.

[We hear lots of people being hit and general chaos]

Alan's exposé on corporal punishment continues with a reconstruction of an occasion when he got hit by a teacher at St. Jude's. For something he hadn't actually done. Apparently.

Teacher

PARTRIDGE! WHAT IS THAT? BRING IT HERE. AND STOP GAWPING FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.

Alan (V/O)

Ordinarily, I'd see a boy taking the long walk to the teacher's desk and think, He was being disruptive. Go on, sir, batter him. But on this occasion, that boy was me.

Teacher

What is it?

Alan

It's a picture of you, sir. With a penis where your nose should be.

Teacher

Is that what you think I look like?

Alan

It wasn't me, sir. It was Smithy. He's from a broken home -

[The teacher smacks young ALAN hard across the face]

Alan (V/O)

Something changed in me that day. I had walked to school a boy...

Teacher

Now sit down, you lemon.

Alan (V/O)

But I returned home a big boy.

And now to debate the subject of corporal punishment in schools with a panel of teachers, experts and audience members in the studio.

Alan

You're a teacher at a tough inner-city school. Let's call it St. Bastards in Knucklesford. There's a problem boy. Let's call him Bad Gav. Uh... no, no... Bobby Rascal. Uh, he's being going around saying that your wife brings off boys around the back of the bike shed. Now, that's crossing a line. It's not even true, probably. How do you handle a pupil like that?

Introducing This Time from outside the studio is great. But when you have to run back through the middle of the crowd you've been interviewing, that can cause some logistical issues.

Alan

I'm Alan Partridge and it's time... for This Time.

[ALAN turns and begins running back inside the studio to join JENNIE after the opening titles]

Out the... move, move, move! Get out the fu*king way!

It's not every day you get to speak to a centenarian live on television. What a great opportunity. Shame Alan was involved, really as he managed to belch his way through the entire conversation.

Floor Manager

TWENTY SECONDS!

Alan

Where's my fu*king water? I made it very clear I need a glass of water after exercise or else white saliva forms at the corners of my mouth.

[He spots a glass of water on the table in front of JENNIE]

Whose is this?

Jennie

That's mine -

[ALAN begins drinking from the glass]

Careful. It's fizzy.

Alan

WHAT?!

Jennie

[To camera]

And I'm delighted to say Rose Hague joins us on the line now. Rose, are you there my love?

Rose

Well, of course I'm here. Where else would I be?

Alan

Rose, many congratulations...

[Belches]

Excuse me.

[Belches twice more]

Congratulations.

[Continues to belch uncontrollably]

Rose

HELLO?!

Alan

[Continues to belch]

Doctor Hilary Couchman is a fictional curator at the British Library. And she's also a linguist. Which means that she knows everything there is to know about the origins of our favourite curse-words.

Doctor Couchman

One of the more prominent words is the word fu*k. But c*nt, too also is common across the Germanic and Scandinavian languages. We also find uses of p*ss, c*ck, sh*t...

Alan

What, what, what... hair... where... what areas would these profanities emanate from? I'm thinking Manchester. Liverpool...

Doctor Couchman

No, from across the whole country.

Alan

Okay.

There's been an open-mic incident. In fact, to be precise, a recorded open-mic incident. Could this be the end of the awkward on-screen tension between the two hosts of This Time?

Jennie

You told Gavin I would suffocate my own grandmother to get on the front of the Radio Times.

Alan

No, I didn't.

Jennie

I'm a nice person. You still had your mic. on and, uh... Paul was still recording.

Alan

Prove it.

Jennie

Okay. Uh, Paul? Uh, could you play that thing? Thanks.

[An audio recording from ALAN'S microphone begins to play in the studio]

Alan (Recording)

Seen it all before, mate. It's all tits and teeth. But I tell you, she would smother her own grandmother with a pillow to get on the cover of the Radio Times. She's like Carol Thatcher.

Alan

Uh, that is... that is true.

Jennie

You need to apologise, Alan.

Alan

And you need a lawyer, because that's entrapment, Jennifer.

Jennie

It's not Jennifer, is it? It's Jennie with an I E.

Alan

Yeah, and I'm Alan with two As either side of an L.

Jennie

Oh, like two balls either side of a d*ck?

Alan

A little bit, yeah.

Jennie

This is all because I don't fancy you, isn't it? Awww!

Jennie has refused to appear with Alan and this leaves him and Simon Denton to awkwardly host a piece on fashion in which they interview the fashionista Cosmo.

Cosmo

Baby, the skirt is back.

Alan

Okay...

Cosmo

So, cop a feel of these.

[Behind ALAN, an impromptu catwalk springs to life]

Now, our first skirt is a circle skirt modelled by the beautiful Kirsty.

Alan

Hello!

Cosmo

Just sixty-five pounds.

Alan

She can't be. Oh, you mean the price...

When a phone-in caller says, "Alan, you c*ck." he isn't giving his name. His name isn't actually Alan U. Cock. But that fact escapes Alan as he struggles to conclude his first solo episode.

Alan

What about the people we have on hold? Uh, yes... Maggie in Macclesfield. What makes you smile?

Maggie

Fat babies.

Alan

Lovely. Geoff in Essex.

Geoff

Uh, when they make chimps smoke.

Alan

Thanks for being honest, Geoff. On Line 3, we have Adrian.

Adrian

Old people holding hands.

Alan

Awwww, I think I'm gonna burst into tears you dirty get. Line 6, who's there?

Man

Alan, you c*ck!

Alan

Alan U. Cock, there.