
This Time with Alan Partridge
© 2019 Baby Cow Productions
Alan is back in the big-time. Having presented Mid-Morning Matters on Radio Norwich for quite some time, when John Baskell falls ill, the weekday magazine show This Time needs a temporary stand-in presenter. And into that bleak arena steps Alan Partridge. The man of the moment.
ADDED: | CLIPS: 22
WARNING: ADULT CONTENT!
PLAY ALL 22 CLIPS |
Clip 1 S01 E01 |
Alan has no inner-monologue. No filter. He thinks something and it just comes tumbling out of his mouth like marbles from a broken jar. |
|
Jennie |
First, we preview a programme about the plight of pint-sized seal pups. God, bit of a mouthful. |
Alan |
More p's in it than a pensioner's pamper! Should I say that? |
Jennie |
No, I wouldn't. Got lots to get through. |
Alan |
Got it. |
Jennie |
Alan Partridge there. Who I feel we know a bit more intimately now. |
Alan |
Steady, missus. I've not even taken you for dinner yet! |
Jennie |
I'm a married woman I'll have you know. |
Alan |
Oh. I was told you were separated. |
[There's an understandably awkward silence] |
Jennie |
Coming up, we'll be talking vegetarianism and gambling. But first, we preview a programme about the plight of pint-sized seal pups. Goodness, that's got more p's in it than a pensioner's pamper. |
[The audience laugh when Jennie says it] |
Yes, we're off to the Antarctic to take a look at these little fellas. |
Floor Manager |
Ten seconds on VT. |
Jennie |
Oh, God. So sorry about that. You know when something just pops into your head? |
Alan |
Oh, God. No, no, it's fine. It's fine. It's fine. |
Floor Manager |
We're on in five... four... |
Alan |
No, if it was an accident, then it's fine. |
Jennie |
Yeah, it was an accident. |
Alan |
It's fine. |
Jennie |
Good. |
Clip 2 S01 E01 |
Alan can see what he's done. But can you spot it? The guest is Alice Fluck. That's very close to a curse-word. But then so is Clunt which is what Alan thinks her name is. |
|
Alan |
Here to tell us more about these moustachioed mammals is the show's creator, Alice Clunt. Welcome. |
Alice |
Oh, it's... it's Alice Fluck. |
Alan |
Right. I see what I've done. |
Clip 3 S01 E01 |
Again, Alan needs to engage his filter. He needs to put his mouth in park and decide whether what he's about to say is relevant, important and sensible or basically stupid. |
|
Jennie |
Now, Alice... uh, the film ends with the sound of the seal cry and it's quite a sound isn't it? |
Alice |
Yeah. |
Jennie |
Actually, let's hear it. |
[Audio of a seal pup's cry fills the studio] |
Alice |
It's not a sound you forget. |
Alan |
When I heard that, I had an overwhelming sense of Gary Numan. And do you know the other musician I was thinking of? Don't know why. Seal. I do know why. |
Clip 4 S01 E01 |
It's that name again. Alan has it in his head that she's called Alice Clunt. But she's not. She's called Alice Fluck. And it's about to get a whole lot worse. |
|
Jennie |
And you can see the whole of Alice's film on BBC1 tomorrow night. |
Alan |
Alice Clunt - |
Alice |
Fluck. |
Alan |
Fu*k. |
Jennie |
Fluck. |
Alan |
Thank you very much for joining us. |
Clip 5 S01 E01 |
Yeah, uh... Alan. That filter thing. I mean, what the fu*k?! Where did you even get this from? What man says the words smooth, fat and teenage boy in the same sentence? Christ! |
|
Jennie |
Now, when we think of farming, we think of The Archers, All Creatures Great and Small, sprawling acres across rolling hills. |
Alan |
Yes, a tumble-down farmhouse nestled in the cleavage of soft bosomy downs. |
Jennie |
Ooh! |
Alan |
Can you say cleavage? |
Jennie |
I think so. |
Alan |
Can you say bosom? It might not be a woman. It might just be a very smooth, fat teenage boy. |
Clip 6 S01 E01 |
In one of his regular roving investigations, Alan is speaking to Professor Jean Chaudhary about how handwashing can help to prevent the spread of germs. Well... DUH! |
|
Alan |
Jean. Hand washing. How often should we be washing them? |
Jean Chaudhary |
Well, any time we come into contact with bacteria. So, um... after going to the toilet - |
Alan |
Agreed. |
Jean Chaudhary |
Uh, after handling raw meat - |
Alan |
Right and that's separate, isn't it? That's not a euphemism for the first one. |
Jean Chaudhary |
No. |
Clip 7 S01 E01 |
I don't read the bible but if I did (and we know that Lynn does) I wouldn't describe Samson's wife, Delilah as (and I quote), a slag. |
|
Lynn |
What do you think of Jennie? |
Alan |
She seems nice. |
Lynn |
That's twice she's pinched your joke. She's trying to rob you of your strength. Like Delilah. |
Alan |
Delilah? |
Lynn |
The slag from the bible. |
Clip 8 S01 E01 |
Lynn has a sharp tongue. What might sound like a compliment on first audition will usually turn out to be something pretty hurtful. Especially if you're an attractive young woman. Jealousy is awful. |
|
Lynn |
I like your red red top. |
Jennie |
Oh, thank you. |
Lynn |
I saw a lady wearing one just like that outside a train station. She was enjoying a cigarette. Her top matched her lipstick. I think she was waiting for someone. Mmmm. It's very pretty. |
Clip 9 S01 E02 |
John Baskell has passed away at the weekend and on Monday's show, they're paying tribute to their fallen presenter. Alan tries to big the guy up but he gets his words muddled. |
|
Alan |
He cared so much about the homeless. Uh, he used to bring them off in the street. |
Jennie |
He used to bring them in off the street. |
Alan |
What did I say? |
Jennie |
You said... he... you said something else. |
Alan |
Oh, God, yes! Sorry. Sorry. He... my mistake - |
Jennie |
Yes. |
Alan |
He used to bring them off in the street. |
Jennie |
He'd bring them in off the street, yeah. |
Clip 10 S01 E02 |
Alan is very much interested in replacing John Baskell full-time and so when certain allegations begin to appear on Twitter, he quickly monopolises on it by reading them out live on air. |
|
Jennie |
So War Machine starts on Tuesday night. |
Alan |
Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Uh-oh. Ah-ah. Ah... |
[The camera closes on the Twitter feed and there's an unsavoury tweet shown on it] |
Jennie |
Uh, right... uh, apologies, uh if anyone saw that. The... feed is unmoderated so, uh... once again, uh... apologies from us. |
Alan |
Absolutely. Are we cutting to that? |
Jennie |
No. |
Alan |
I don't think... I don't think we're cutting... I should read it, though. Um, it's... it's just a tweet, it says, "All this BS about what a great guy John was, pass me the sick bag." |
Jennie |
Well - |
Alan |
Another one says, "He gave me a pottery lesson and sat behind me wearing speedos and saying I'm like Patrick Swayze in Ghost. |
Jennie |
Uh, well... it's... let's not assume - |
Alan |
Same person goes on to say, "It started off as a vase but by the time he'd finished fondling me, it was just a very wide ashtray." Oh that's sad. |
Jennie |
Oh, well... all we know right now is there are some messages on Twitter which is unregulated - |
Alan |
A...a...absolutely. There's one more, uh... just says, "I once took a cup of tea to his dress - |
[The main studio screen cuts to a scenic picture to stop Alan from reading the tweet out] |
What's that? Ah, it's the panic shot of the South Downs. But there's... it's still on the monitor here. It says, "I once took a cup of tea to his dressing room and he flopped his gown open, gyrated his hips and twirled his penis around saying I'm a Catherine Wheel. Brackets my name is Catherine." |
Jennie |
Uh, important to say these messages are unsubstantiated. |
Alan |
Yeah, just goes to show he was able to make a serviceable pun even from those traumatic situations. I suppose that was his gift. |
Clip 11 S01 E03 |
Verbal diarrhoea again, I'm afraid. Alan tries to be bawdy but ends up sounding distinctly pervy in this opening from his third show. |
|
Alan |
Good evening. |
Jennie |
Good evening. And welcome to This Time with me Jennie Gresham and the man I am delighted, no... tickled pink to announce is my new, permanent co-host, Alan Partridge. |
Alan |
I'd like to tickle your pink. Uh, tickle you pink. |
Clip 12 S01 E03 |
Anecdotes. They can be interesting, funny and even heart-warming. Unless you're Alan Partridge. If you're Alan Partridge, they're more likely to be vaguely dark and disturbing. |
|
Alan |
I enjoy lots of meat. |
Jennie |
Did you know that I'm actually a pescatarian now? I just started to think if you're not prepared to kill the animal yourself, you shouldn't be eating it. |
Alan |
I think... I think I'd be prepared to hunt down a chicken. I actually once saw a man behead a chicken. Yeah, just ran around in circles and then... |
[He mimes the chicken collapsing to the ground] |
Alan |
Yeah. Stays with you, stuff like that. |
Jennie |
Well, farms can be quite unsentimental places, can't they? |
Alan |
They can. Yes. Although this was in a car park. |
Clip 13 S01 E03 |
Dreams. Some people claim to be able to decipher meanings from them. Well, good luck deciphering the meaning of this monstrosity. A prostitute made of ham? Holy fu*k! |
|
I've just woken up from having my regular prostitute dream. It's fine. I have it all the time. And it got to the part where I was gargling mouthwash in the bathroom and I looked up and Bianca was leaning against the wall and I said, "I thought I told you to stay in the bedroom." And then she, uh... un-twizzled her dressing gown and as it dropped to the floor, I saw that she was made completely of ham. I think I ate her. |
Clip 14 S01 E03 |
Alan is presenting a short film about corporal punishment in schools. He returns to his former school, St. Jude's where, apparently, violence against children used to be commonplace. |
|
Alan (V/O) |
Today, the corridors of St. Jude's are alive with the sound of laughter and play. Back then, however, the school echoed with an altogether different noise. |
[We hear lots of people being hit and general chaos] |
Clip 15 S01 E03 |
Alan's exposé on corporal punishment continues with a reconstruction of an occasion when he got hit by a teacher at St. Jude's. For something he hadn't actually done. Apparently. |
|
Teacher |
PARTRIDGE! WHAT IS THAT? BRING IT HERE. AND STOP GAWPING FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. |
Alan (V/O) |
Ordinarily, I'd see a boy taking the long walk to the teacher's desk and think, He was being disruptive. Go on, sir, batter him. But on this occasion, that boy was me. |
Teacher |
What is it? |
Alan |
It's a picture of you, sir. With a penis where your nose should be. |
Teacher |
Is that what you think I look like? |
Alan |
It wasn't me, sir. It was Smithy. He's from a broken home - |
[The teacher smacks young ALAN hard across the face] |
Alan (V/O) |
Something changed in me that day. I had walked to school a boy... |
Teacher |
Now sit down, you lemon. |
Alan (V/O) |
But I returned home a big boy. |
Clip 16 S01 E03 |
And now to debate the subject of corporal punishment in schools with a panel of teachers, experts and audience members in the studio. |
|
Alan |
You're a teacher at a tough inner-city school. Let's call it St. Bastards in Knucklesford. There's a problem boy. Let's call him Bad Gav. Uh... no, no... Bobby Rascal. Uh, he's being going around saying that your wife brings off boys around the back of the bike shed. Now, that's crossing a line. It's not even true, probably. How do you handle a pupil like that? |
Clip 17 S01 E04 |
Introducing This Time from outside the studio is great. But when you have to run back through the middle of the crowd you've been interviewing, that can cause some logistical issues. |
|
Alan |
I'm Alan Partridge and it's time... for This Time. |
[ALAN turns and begins running back inside the studio to join JENNIE after the opening titles] |
Out the... move, move, move! Get out the fu*king way! |
Clip 18 S01 E04 |
It's not every day you get to speak to a centenarian live on television. What a great opportunity. Shame Alan was involved, really as he managed to belch his way through the entire conversation. |
|
Floor Manager |
TWENTY SECONDS! |
Alan |
Where's my fu*king water? I made it very clear I need a glass of water after exercise or else white saliva forms at the corners of my mouth. |
[He spots a glass of water on the table in front of JENNIE] |
Whose is this? |
Jennie |
That's mine - |
[ALAN begins drinking from the glass] |
Careful. It's fizzy. |
Alan |
WHAT?! |
Jennie |
[To camera] |
And I'm delighted to say Rose Hague joins us on the line now. Rose, are you there my love? |
Rose |
Well, of course I'm here. Where else would I be? |
Alan |
Rose, many congratulations... |
[Belches] |
Excuse me. |
[Belches twice more] |
Congratulations. |
[Continues to belch uncontrollably] |
Rose |
HELLO?! |
Alan |
[Continues to belch] |
Clip 19 S01 E05 |
Doctor Hilary Couchman is a fictional curator at the British Library. And she's also a linguist. Which means that she knows everything there is to know about the origins of our favourite curse-words. |
|
Doctor Couchman |
One of the more prominent words is the word fu*k. But c*nt, too also is common across the Germanic and Scandinavian languages. We also find uses of p*ss, c*ck, sh*t... |
Alan |
What, what, what... hair... where... what areas would these profanities emanate from? I'm thinking Manchester. Liverpool... |
Doctor Couchman |
No, from across the whole country. |
Alan |
Okay. |
Clip 20 S01 E06 |
There's been an open-mic incident. In fact, to be precise, a recorded open-mic incident. Could this be the end of the awkward on-screen tension between the two hosts of This Time? |
|
Jennie |
You told Gavin I would suffocate my own grandmother to get on the front of the Radio Times. |
Alan |
No, I didn't. |
Jennie |
I'm a nice person. You still had your mic. on and, uh... Paul was still recording. |
Alan |
Prove it. |
Jennie |
Okay. Uh, Paul? Uh, could you play that thing? Thanks. |
[An audio recording from ALAN'S microphone begins to play in the studio] |
Alan (Recording) |
Seen it all before, mate. It's all tits and teeth. But I tell you, she would smother her own grandmother with a pillow to get on the cover of the Radio Times. She's like Carol Thatcher. |
Alan |
Uh, that is... that is true. |
Jennie |
You need to apologise, Alan. |
Alan |
And you need a lawyer, because that's entrapment, Jennifer. |
Jennie |
It's not Jennifer, is it? It's Jennie with an I E. |
Alan |
Yeah, and I'm Alan with two As either side of an L. |
Jennie |
Oh, like two balls either side of a d*ck? |
Alan |
A little bit, yeah. |
Jennie |
This is all because I don't fancy you, isn't it? Awww! |
Clip 21 S01 E06 |
Jennie has refused to appear with Alan and this leaves him and Simon Denton to awkwardly host a piece on fashion in which they interview the fashionista Cosmo. |
|
Cosmo |
Baby, the skirt is back. |
Alan |
Okay... |
Cosmo |
So, cop a feel of these. |
[Behind ALAN, an impromptu catwalk springs to life] |
Now, our first skirt is a circle skirt modelled by the beautiful Kirsty. |
Alan |
Hello! |
Cosmo |
Just sixty-five pounds. |
Alan |
She can't be. Oh, you mean the price... |
Clip 22 S01 E06 |
When a phone-in caller says, "Alan, you c*ck." he isn't giving his name. His name isn't actually Alan U. Cock. But that fact escapes Alan as he struggles to conclude his first solo episode. |
|
Alan |
What about the people we have on hold? Uh, yes... Maggie in Macclesfield. What makes you smile? |
Maggie |
Fat babies. |
Alan |
Lovely. Geoff in Essex. |
Geoff |
Uh, when they make chimps smoke. |
Alan |
Thanks for being honest, Geoff. On Line 3, we have Adrian. |
Adrian |
Old people holding hands. |
Alan |
Awwww, I think I'm gonna burst into tears you dirty get. Line 6, who's there? |
Man |
Alan, you c*ck! |
Alan |
Alan U. Cock, there. |