12 MP3 Audio clips from Wild Wild West (1999)

PLAY ALL 12 CLIPS

Clip 1

Jim West is making out with a girl in the town's water tower. They're basically treating the water supply as their own personal hot tub. Which is pretty grim when you think about it.

James West

Hold on there, Belle. You can't just go ramming a man's personal things into some hole like that.

Belle

Is that so?

James West

I didn't mean it like that.

Clip 2

Artemus Gordon likes to think that he's the master of disguise. Thing is, his disguise almost always consists of dressing up like a woman. I get the feeling he enjoys it a little bit too much.

Man

You drive a hard bargain. All right, fifty cents.

Artemus Gordon

I'm very flattered but I'm just not interested.

Man

You gotta be interested. You're a whore.

Artemus Gordon

I may be a whore but I work alone.

[GORDON presses a button and the persistent man gets punched out by a device concealed in the bodice of his dress]

Clip 3

As patented approaches to investigations go, Jim West has an unusual one. Shoot first, shoot later, shoot some more and then, when everybody's dead, try to ask a question or two.

President

And you, West... not every situation calls for your patented approach of shoot first, shoot later, shoot some more and then, when everybody's dead, try to ask a question or two.

Clip 4

It's disguise time again. Artemus Gordon has chosen a dress (of course) but that just leaves the question of what to dress Jim West up as.

Artemus Gordon

Ah, how about this... you can come as my man-servant.

James West

[Mocking GORDON]

Oh, why yessir, Master Gordon. Oh, I swears I'd be delighted. I'll sing, I'll dance for ya, sir. Oh, and I swears none of the other white folks'll know I'd rather shoot myself than play your damned man-servant.

Clip 5

Deliberation over disguises continues. And the suggestions made by Artemus Gordon just get worse. And worse.

Artemus Gordon

You go as a river boat captain and I'll be a saloon girl.

James West

Let me tell you something about your beloved art of disguise, Gordon. That night at Fat Cans, it wasn't a difficult task to see that you weren't a woman.

Artemus Gordon

I was propositioned by three men.

James West

You looked nasty. Just... butt ugly. I mean, your breasts were... hard and stiff and sticking out like a couple of rusty cannons on a sunken ship.

Artemus Gordon

These breasts are a work of art. Aesthetically and scientifically perfect.

James West

They look like sh*t.

Artemus Gordon

Touch them.

James West

I'm not touching those things.

Artemus Gordon

What, are you afraid you're wrong? Touch my breasts. Just one. Touch one.

James West

Okay. Are you happy, Gordon? I'm touching your breasts.

Coleman

[Overhearing this last part of the conversation without the necessary context]

I knew it!

Artemus Gordon

Wait, wait, wait. Squeeze it gently.

Clip 6

The party thrown by Dr. Arliss Loveless is not the sort of occasion where one would expect to see a black man. Not in the Wild West. No. But James West has turned up anyway.

Man

What are you doing here, boy?

James West

I sorry, sir. I was hopin'... I was hopin'... I wouldn't -

[He punches the guy clean out]

- have to break your nose!

Clip 7

This is the Wild West version of a roast. Dr. Loveless can't resist the black jibes and James West can't resist mocking the fact that he has no legs and spends his life in a steam-powered wheelchair.

Dr. Arliss Loveless

How nice of you to join us tonight and add... colour to these monochromatic proceedings.

James West

Well, when a fella comes back from the dead, I find that an occasion to stand up and be counted.

Dr. Arliss Loveless

Miss East informs me that you're expecting to see General McGrath here. Well, I knew him years ago but I haven't seen him in a coon's age.

James West

Well, I can see where it'd be difficult for a man of your stature to keep in touch with even half the people you know.

Dr. Arliss Loveless

Well, perhaps the lovely Miss East will keep you from being a slave to your disappointment.

James West

Ah, well you know beautiful women. They encourage you one minute and cut the legs out from under you the next.

Dr. Arliss Loveless

Right. Will you excuse me, Mister West? Thank you.

Clip 8

There's going to be a hanging. Unless James West can talk his way out of trouble. And it doesn't seem from this exchange that this is going to be at all easy.

Man

Looks like we need to teach y'all a little lesson about how to behave in polite society.

James West

Never drum on a white lady's boobies at a big redneck dance. Got it. Whooo! I sure am glad we got that cleared up!

Clip 9

That woman whose breasts James drummed on at the party? Well, in his defence, he thought she was Artemus Gordon in disguise. He thought she was a man, man!

James West

I stand before you as a man realising that I have done something wrong. And Darling, I'd like the opportunity to make it right. Will you marry me?

Woman

[Gasps]

James West

That means no. Okay, Darling... listen... would it help at all if I said I thought you were a man?

Clip 10

Rita has a way with men. Even when James plans to dump her in the middle of nowhere, she can talk her way out of it. By appealing to Coleman. Who's a fool for a half-naked woman, apparently.

James West

Coleman, stop the train. Miss Escobar's getting off.

Coleman

Who the hell's Miss Escobar?

Rita Escobar

I'm a frightened, starving, half-naked young woman who only wants to find her father.

Coleman

Half-naked?

James West

Coleman, stop the train.

Coleman

We're not putting anybody off out here in the middle of nowhere. Especially if they're half-naked.

Clip 11

Hmm. Do you think that perhaps, contrary to his protestations, Rita Escobar has worked her magic on Artemus Gordon? Just a little? It seems all he can think about is T&A. If you catch my drift.

James

I told you she'd be a distraction.

Artemus Gordon

She's not a distraction. It's nice having her on board. She's a... breath of fresh ass.

James West

Pardon me?

Artemus Gordon

What?

James West

You said ass.

Artemus Gordon

No, I didn't. I said it's nice having her on board, she's a breast of fresh air.

Clip 12

Artemus is famed for his gadgetry. He's the Q of the Wild West. Even his pad and pen are spring-loaded and emerge from his coat sleeves on demand. So where would he keep his tool kit?

Artemus Gordon

Oh look, my auxiliary tool kit. I forgot all about it. It must have slipped out of my pocket.

James West

Your pocket? Why wasn't it on some spring-loaded contraption that shoots out your ass?

Artemus Gordon

That's the first place Loveless would've looked.