22 MP3 Audio clips from Season 2 of I'm Alan Partridge (1997)

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To be clear, Alan is not working in a petrol station. Michael is. But Alan is holding the fort whilst Michael is on a re-supply mission when who should walk in...

Frank Raphael

Uh, pump number three.

Alan

Good pump!

[FRANK hands his payment card to ALAN]

F. Raphael. Uh, it's funny, I used to have a teacher at school called, er, Frank Raphael. Yeah. Sweaty Raphael we used to call him. Great big sweating stains under his armpits... I've just realised it's you. How the devil are you?

Alan shoots from the hip. He says what he likes and he likes what he says. Which means that he has all of the compassion of a honey badger who's just found his wife in bed with his best friend.

Alan

Okay, Lynn. What do you think of the polo neck? Balls out of the bath on this one.

Lynn

I think it's rather snazzy.

Alan

I think you hair's snazzy. Is that your mother's money coming through?

Lynn

Yes.

Alan

All part of the bereavement dividend.

Lynn

Well, I had to change her sheets every day for ten years.

Alan

Yeah, I don't know how you managed it. I mean she was a bit of a Heffalump, God rest her soul. Yeah, she was a big woman. I'm tempted to say she was big-hearted but that would be bullsh*t!

Siobhan works for Meteor which produces the "Crash, Bang, Wallop" videos that Alan presents. But that's not ALL they produce. Oh no. And some of their features are tacky to say the least.

Siobhan

Are you all right, Lynn?

Alan

Yeah, Lynn doesn't like the old... watersports.

Siobhan

No, well we don't do that.

Alan

Yeah, well, you know... the wet t-shirt things.

Siobhan

Yeah, well that's not watersports, Alan.

Alan

Well... what's watersports?

Siobhan

You don't know?

Alan

No, I don't.

Siobhan

You mean you don't know what watersports are?

Alan

I believe we've established that!

Siobhan

Well -

Alan

Tell me what you mean by "watersports."

Siobhan

Well, it's when people relieve themselves on each other.

Frank Raphael is now the headteacher of Alan's former school. But, many moons ago, he caned Alan for drawing a chalk penis on his back. His OWN back. Whilst he was wearing the blazer it appeared on!

Alan

You know this guy... he caned me for drawing a... a chalk penis on my back. Which I couldn't possibly do.

Frank Raphael

Yeah, we'll be having coffee next door now.

Alan

Yeah, no... no, I'll show you. It's impossible. For me to draw... watch...

[A piece of chalk in his hand, ALAN proceeds to draw a crude chalk penis on his own back as a stunned audience look on]

See?

Phil Wiley

But you've almost managed it, Alan.

Alan

But the... the one you did had more detail, though. There were hairs at the base and a dotted line emanating from the crown.

I think Alan might have been channelling the late, great Terry Wogan here. I mean the inflection, the accent, the choice of words. And Terry was still alive when this was recorded so... yeah.

Alan

That was Roxanne by The Police. Or as they're now known, Sting! A song there about a prostitute. Doesn't say what her surname is. Must give her a call some time. Er, although the effects of twenty-three years on the game would not render her pleasurable to mine eye!

Alan is schmoozing Piet Morant because he wants to host the awards ceremony for Piet's company, Dante's Fires. The fun starts at the country club. Before they're even inside.

Alan

This is a bit of a laugh. Security card, yeah?

[Instead of swiping his security card to gain access to the club, ALAN presses the intercom button and speaks into it]

Hello, Security? I am an arsonist with a big box of matches. Please can I come in to set fire to the staff?

[Sure enough, ALAN and PIET are buzzed into the premises]

Unbelievable!

Spoonerisms. They can be funny. They can be embarrassing. We all know what Alan meant to say but somehow what actually came out of his mouth is far, far funnier.

Piet Morant

Hey, Alan. There's some really nice houses around here.

Alan

Yeah, actually, I'm sorry it's a bit of a building site. I mean, technically you should have a hat hard on. What am I saying?! I mean... a hat hard on. I've done it again!

Alan's meeting with Piet Morant is not going well. Alan wants to adopt a slightly slapstick approach to the awards ceremony and when Piet says, "you can't" it sounds like something else.

Piet Morant

No clowns. No gags.

Alan

Just... just a couple of jokes?

Piet Morant

No, Alan. No.

Alan

Please?

Piet Morant

No, YOU CAN'T!

Alan

Well, there's no need for that! I only wanted to do a couple of jokes.

Piet Morant

YOU CAN'T!

Alan

You've done it again! You've said it again! Just because I've got a sh*t table...

Winding up the security guard at the country club has back-fired. Alan's forgotten his security card and they're not letting him in. Which means reverting to old-fashioned and ill-advised tactics.

Lynn

Alan, what are you doing?

Alan

Climbing over a fence.

Lynn

Oh, you should watch yourself. You're nearly fif...

Alan

Were you going to say I'm nearly fifty, Lynn? I might be nearly fifty, Lynn but at least I'm like -

[ALAN suddenly cries out in pain]

Lynn

What?

Alan

Lynn, I've pierced my foot on a spike!

Conversations with Michael can, sometimes, get rather philosophical. No subject too deep that it can't be discussed over a microwaved pasty or apple pie at the BP at which Michael works nights.

Michael

I believe, uh... in reincarnation, like. I... I'd like to come back as an animal. Like a... a dolphin.

Alan

Dolphins are quite intelligent, Michael.

Michael

I can jump through a hoop and catch a fish in my mouth.

Alan

Can you really?

Michael

Yeah, yeah!

Alan

But can you do this?

[ALAN presses his tongue against the roof of his mouth and makes a ratchet sound similar to a dolphin communicating]

Michael

What's that?

Alan

It's a dolphin chatting.

Michael

Well, I can do a whale. Ooooooooooooooooooh!

Alan

No that... that's... that's a homosexual.

Michael

Oh.

Right. The rules. One... never refer to lovemaking as classic intercourse when speaking to the person you've just done it with. Two... thanks aren't necessary. Unless you're paying for it.

Alan

Well, Sonja. That was classic intercourse. So, uh... so thanks!

If you know someone called Dan and their number is on your phone, why not download this as a ringtone exclusively for their use? Dan... Dan... DAN... DAN... DAN! Ah... classic Partridge.

Alan

There's Dan.

In order to get DAN'S attention, ALAN begins shouting his name across the carpark. Loudly. Desperately. Repeatedly]

Alan

DAN! DAN! DAN! DAN! DAN! DAN! DAN! DAN! DAN! DAN! DAN! DAN! DAN! DAN! Uh... nah. He's not seen me. I'll get him later. DAN!

Little did Alan know that Dan and Ceri are swingers. So when Dan invites Alan round to watch a "kitchen video", the focus is more on what's happening IN the kitchen. If you catch my drift.

Alan

Oh, that's uh... that's a good, uh... stainless steel hob. Very futuristic.

[To CERI]

That's you! You're naked.

[To DAN]

And there's you. Hello, Dan! Is that a granite worksurface? That... that's supporting you both? Or Corian^®, a man-made marble substitute.

Dan

Well, Corian^® is to marble and granite what, uh... MDF is to wood. I've got wood there.

Alan

No. That's MDF. Oh, I see. You're making a joke. MDF's banned in America.

Ceri

[Indicating something happening on the video]

So's that!

There's a time for joking and a time to spit your thoughts into your hand, have a quick look at them and only put them back into your mouth to speak them if they're less offensive than THIS!

Lynn

Well, life goes on.

Sonja

Shall we finish writing the Bond schedule?

Lynn

Oh, you've made allowances for the visit to my mother's grave?

Alan

Yes, that's in the schedule. Visit to your mother's grave then Dr. No. The underground base of an evil genius... and then Dr. No!

Sonja continually buys Alan presents. I mean, it's quite sweet, really. Except that they all seem to have a London theme. And Alan has got a cupboard full of Beefeaters, taxis and other tat.

Sonja

Alan. I buy you another present.

Alan

What?

Sonja

It's a London love taxi.

Alan

Aww.

Sonja

I have put my heart in back of taxi and tell driver to go to you.

Alan

Ahhhh, don't know what you're talking about! Just, uh... put that up there with the others. Getting a bit crowded, now. Like London. Which I spell S-H-I-T-H-O-L-E. Sh*thole!

Lynn doesn't lie. It's not in her nature. And it flies in the face of her rather devour religious views. But, as Alan points out, sometimes you have to tell a white lie to spare someone's feelings.

Alan

Well, I know the ten commandments say thou shalt not lie but if... if the Elephant Man came in here now with some lipstick on and a nice dress, and said, "How do I look?" would you say, Lynn, bearing in mind that he's depressed and got respiratory problems, would you say, "Take that blusher off, you ugly, misshapen-headed, elephant tranny"?

Hmm. If anyone from Saniflo^® is interested, Alan has a new slogan for you. "The chemicals in our loos would dissolve a corpse.". No? Well, why NOT?!

Alan

Just realised, I'm in a static home with three women. Hmm. Just don't all go off to the toilet and talk about me behind my back. Because it really is too small. It is a solid bog. You know, the chemicals in that loo would dissolve a corpse.

Traffic updates on the radio can be boring. Mundane. Distinctly repetitive. So what they need is Alan's jingle. It's a classic.

Alan

Traffic.

[ALAN plays his traffic jingle which is, frankly, hilarious!]

Jingle

GET OUT OF THE WAY, YOU FU*KING IDIOT! YOU COULD GET A BUS THROUGH THERE, YOU FU*KING C*NT! YOU STUPID FU*KING PR**K... LET ME THROUGH! NO! THERE'S NO ROOM!

Swapping war stories about the previous evening, Alan discovers that Michael went all the way to Cardiff to kick a sixty-year-old woman's back door in. And yes, I mean that in the dirtiest sense.

Michael

So, what did you do last night?

Alan

Oh, I just stayed in and watched a documentary on quicksand. Then Sonja and I took our tops off and had a cuddle. Followed by mince and onions. Doesn't get much better than that.

Michael

Aye, it did for me. I done a bit better than a cuddle last night. I had full sex with a woman.

Alan

Go on...

Michael

She was all over us, man. I mean, she's a bit older than me, like. She's sixty.

Alan

SIXTY?!

Michael

Aye, what's wrong with that? Same age difference as you and Sonja.

Alan

Yeah, that's just wrong! You shouldn't do it the other way round.

Michael

We did!

[Laughs]

Alan is a guest on somebody else's radio show for a change. Tessa McPherson is interviewing both him and Kate Fitzgerald, a reformed drug addict turned author. What could possibly go wrong?!

Tessa McPherson

Talk a little bit more about your drug addiction. Now you were hooked on a variety of drugs, weren't you?

Kate Fitzgerald

Yep, I started on crack -

Alan

Uh... uh, that's not the same as crackling, is it?

Kate Fitzgerald

No.

Alan

It's a joke. I love crackling. I had some last Sunday. It had hairs on it but I didn't mind.

Tessa McPherson

And then the chemical dependency grew worse?

Kate Fitzgerald

Yeah. Uh, my drug of choice became ketamine. Which is, in fact, a horse tranquiliser.

Alan

Sh*t! Did you get that by hanging around stables? You do... you do seem quite posh, I can imagine you in wellies and one of those sleeveless anoraks.

Kate Fitzgerald

The technical name for that is actually a gilet.

Alan

No, that's a razor. Could have done with that for the crackling. You, ever shaved your crackling?

On the occasion of Lynn's baptism, Alan finally gets to meet some of the members of her Baptist church. And aren't they lucky? I mean, they try to make polite conversation but Alan... well...

Parishioner

Hello, Alan. Can I just say, I love your radio show?

Alan

Oh, thank you very much.

Parishioner

And I read your book.

Alan

Oh.

Parishioner

Have to say, it didn't really work for me.

Alan

Fu*k off!

It's time to apologise. Alan was too hasty with his Baptist fan. He was having a bad day and he took it out on him. No, definitely time to smooth things over and make amends, huh, Alan?

Alan

Ooh, um, listen... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm sorry about that before. I think you just caught me at a... caught me at a bad moment.

Parishioner

Perfectly understandable. So... I hear your book's being pulped?

Alan

Fu*k OFF!