7 MP3 Audio clips from Season 1 of The Catherine Tate Show (2004)

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James and Claire. A potential match made in heaven. Except for one thing. Claire just doesn't find him attractive and there aren't strong enough beer goggles in the world to change her mind.

James

Well, thanks for a lovely evening.

Claire

No, no... thank you! Well... good night.

James

Night.

[Watching Claire retreat into her home, James plucks up the courage to ask for a coffee]

Claire?

Claire

Yes?

James

You know, I don't... I don't really feel like going home now. Is... is there any chance of another drink?

Claire

James -

James

Or a cup of coffee?

Claire

James. I know you wanna come in. And I know you probably want more than just a drink or a cup of coffee. It's just that... I'm not drunk enough.

James

What's wrong, Claire? Don't... don't you like me?

Claire

Of course I like you. I'm just not drunk enough to find you attractive.

James

Oh.

Joannie "Nan" Taylor is an East End girl with a razor-sharp tongue, no inner-monologue and no qualms about insulting or upsetting people. She's cantankerous, obnoxious and wonderful!

Nan

'Ere, 'ere... she was up 'ere today weren't she?

Jamie

Who's that?

Nan

'Ome help.

Jamie

Oh, good! Elena.

Nan

Who is it?

Jamie

Her name's Elena.

Nan

I don't like her and that's it.

Jamie

Oh for God...

Nan

I said to her, "Look, Darling. I'm not being funny. I don't mean nothin' by it but I don't want you comin' up 'ere no more, if you don't mind."

Jamie

Oh, Nan... you didn't?!

Nan

She said to me, "Mrs. Taylor... you mustn't be so proud." I said, "Watcha talkin' about?" She said, "Do you not want me coming up here no more because you feel your independence slipping away?" I said, "No. I don't want you comin' up 'ere no more 'cos you're a fu*king thief!

Karen and Ben are new parents. Their six-month-old daughter just won't sleep. Except in the car, with the engine running. Which is where, tonight, they have a dinner party with friends.

Ben

I think I'll just pop in and use their loo. Shall I see you in there?

Karen

No, because, um... do you remember that baby I had six months ago? Well, for the first time in thirty-six hours, she appears to be asleep. And if I move her, she'll probably wake up. And when she wakes up, I'm likely to kill you and then kill myself. So, no. I don't think I will see you inside!

Nobody is safe from Joannie's cruel comments. Got a wart? A lazy eye? Flatulence? A bit overweight? You can expect to be lambasted by this offensive octogenarian!

Nan

She... has got an... eating dis... order.

Jamie

Has she?

Nan

'Course she has. She can't fu*king stop!

Estate Agents. In the US, you might know them as Realtors. In the UK, they're generally despised. Because some of them are unscrupulous. But this one? She's fine. She's just very drunk.

Estate Agent

[Slurring her words]

I've just been out in the garden and I'll tell you something... they've made it very nice. Right. Fancy making them an offer?

Potential Buyer

Well, we haven't...

Estate Agent

It's on for... hmm...

[To the Vendor]

...what's it on for?

Vendor

Two hundred and fifty thousand.

Estate Agent

Two... is it, really?

Vendor

Yes. You valued it for us.

Estate Agent

Did I, really?

Vendor

Yes. It's very competitively priced for the market.

Estate Agent

Thank you.

Vendor

You're welcome.

Estate Agent

She'll take two-forty for it because let's face it, you're going to have to spend a couple of thousand pounds on it just to get rid of the smell of....

[She sniffs the air]

...sex!

It's one of Nan's most popular catchphrases. And it's perfect for a message tone.

Nan

What a load of old sh*t!

Not even new-born babies are safe from Nan's cynicism. I mean some babies are cuter than others but surely nobody really thinks this about a new life? A great granddaughter? God, woman!

Nan

I see your sister today.

Jamie

Did ya?

Nan

She's had the baby.

Jamie

I know.

Nan

She's had the baby.

Jamie

I know.

Nan

Oh! Little girl.

Jamie

I know.

Nan

Have you seen it?

Jamie

Yeah.

Nan

Have you seen it?

Jamie

Yeah.

Nan

Ain't it ugly? Oh... come on. I ain't never seen such an ugly child. It's frightened the fu*king life out of me. And innit hairy? Oh, I ain't never seen a child with so much hair on it. It's like a big, hairy elf looking up at ya. Oh, I nearly had a bilious attack lookin' at it. And it's got a wonky eye ain't it? It's got a wonky eye the child. Mind you, it gets that from that ugly git of a father. He's got that, ain't he? One eye lookin' at ya, the other one lookin' for ya. Nah. Oh, that's wrong, that is. I mean the pair of 'em together, they'll look like they came off Fraggle Rock!