When James King (Will Ferrell) is unexpectedly arrested by the FBI on 43 counts of fraud and 30 counts of embezzlement, he faces 10 years in San Quentin. He'll never survive. His ass will never survive. Not without the help of Darnell Lewis (Kevin Hart). It's time for James to Get Hard! And no. That's not a euphemism!
When James King (Will Ferrell) is unexpectedly arrested by the FBI on 43 counts of fraud and 30 counts of embezzlement, he faces 10 years in San Quentin. He'll never survive. His ass will never survive. Not without the help of Darnell Lewis (Kevin Hart). It's time for James to Get Hard! And no. That's not a euphemism!
James King is in the underground parking garage of his workplace, hiding out and trying to gather his thoughts. But his peace doesn't last long.
Driver
Fu*k you, King! I lost everything because of you!
James
I didn't do it! Fu*k! Fu*k someone! Fu*k a tit! Fu*k a tit hard! For the love of Alan Greenspan. Fu*k! My life is ruined.
Clip 2
James is destined for San Quentin which comes as quite the surprise to Darnell. Because at San Quentin, everybody gets the d*ck. You know what I'm saying?
James
I venture you've heard that I'm going to prison.
Darnell
Yeah. No, we, uh, all did. I just didn't wanna bring it up first, that's all. Come on. They're probably sending you to some Club Fed prison. You'll be playing tennis and golf, you know.
James
I'm going to be attending San Quentin.
Darnell
They're sending you to San Quentin? Oh.
James
What?
Darnell
Oh, God! Oh, they fu*king in San Quentin.
James
Oh.
Darnell
Everybody gets the d*ck.
James
I don't want it.
Darnell
You're not gonna get it. You'll be in for three months.
James
I'm gonna be there for 10 years.
Darnell
Goddamn! Ten years? Oh! Oh!
James
Why do you say it like that? It's not as bad as I've heard, is it?
Darnell
If you heard everybody fu*king, it is. That's how bad it is.
James
I didn't hear that part.
Darnell
They might as well call it San Fu*king, man.
Clip 3
James needs to know what San Quentin has in store for him. And his pale white ass. And Darnell is only too happy to impart the glad tidings.
Darnell
You know what? Let me give you my statistical analysis. You going to San Quentin.
There's 100 percent chance that you're gonna be somebody's b**ch. Ten years of this...
[DARNELL uses his hands to mimic buttocks being pounded in prison]
You know what that is?
James
Mm-mm.
Darnell
A big-ass black man on your pale white ass. "No! I don't want any more!
Stop! That's enough." Too late. He done tagged the next guy in. That's like a rabbit. You don't want him no more so now here comes the guy that wants to rub your face. "I like his hair." He's breathing on you. That's disgusting. But guess what? You can look forward to 10 years of it!
Clip 4
It's time for Darnell to become a thug. Because he isn't one. He's never been to prison. He's trying out his character on his wife.
Darnell
I don't have to be a thug to portray a thug. Okay? Honestly, all I gotta do is change my voice, talk a little deeper. Talk like this and be every stereotype he already thinks I am. Right now, I'm thugging. This is thugging.
Rita
You're so good at it, sweetie. Have a good night.
Darnell
B**ch! Don't walk away from me!
[RITA slaps DARNELL hard around the face]
Rita
What the hell did you just say to me?
Darnell
Girl, stop. Stop! What is wrong with you? What is that? I love you! I was playing!
[Quietly]
B**ch.
Rita
What?
Darnell
I didn't say nothing!
Rita
Oh.
Darnell
Man, I didn't say nothing.
Clip 5
John Mayer is appearing on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon. He's written a song about James King having been duped into performing at his recent engagement party.
♪
John Mayer
I can't see through walls,
and I can't read your mind.
But if I did I'd find,
that man James King is a great big turd.
I mean the small, small kinds.
But that sh*t James,
will fall hands against the prison wall.
Choking on a mouthful of balls,
he'll be choking on a mouthful of balls.
♪
James
I hate to admit it, but it's a good song.
Jimmy Fallon
Okay, very nice. John Mayer, everybody.
James
Now I'm gonna be dreaming about balls!
Clip 6
Comparing San Quentin to Harvard Business School is like comparing a Yugo to a Ferrari.
James
Back when I was in Harvard Business School, I was facing some pretty long odds. But I buckled down and I succeeded.
Darnell
When you was at Harvard, did you ever get raped for failing a test?
James
I think that's more of a Yale thing.
[JAMES laughs at his own joke]
Clip 7
Part of his training for San Quentin sees James picking fights in the park as Darnell watches on. This isn't going to end well. These guys are fu*king massive!
James
Hey, guys.
Man Mountain
Who the fu*k are you, man?
James
I wanna fight you.
Man Mountain
What?
James
You picked the wrong day to come to the park.
Man Mountain
Is this some kind of joke, man?
James
You ever been mad-dogged before?
Man Mountain
You about to get some right now, motherfu*ker.
[JAMES half-heartedly gives the middle finger]
Man Mountain
What the fu*k is that, man?
James
It's the size of your d*ck. I'm gonna break it off, make you eat it. You fu*k your mother with that d*ck?
Clip 8
James is practising his "trash talk" and Darnell goes from incredulous to impressed. This sh*t is dark!
James
Fu*k you. Fu*k c*ck! Sh*t! Hey, back off! You better get those tits out of my face! Or I'll show you my tits!
Darnell
What are you doing?
James
Working on my trash talk. You know, to get respect from the other inmates.
Darnell
Let me hear some of it.
James
All right. Ahem. Hey, pal. I'm about to tear you a new ass.
Darnell
You gonna have to do a little better than that, James.
James
Hey, I'm about to tear you a new ass. And sew up your old ass!
Darnell
Okay. All right.
James
I'm gonna punch you in the fu*k! I'm gonna make you my b**ch's b**ch! You're gonna be my grand-b**ch! Yeah. You're about to get 20 likes on Instafu*k. If I see you around here again, I'm gonna put a hashtag on your ass. And see how many hits it gets. Hmm?
Darnell
Oh, my God.
James
Hope you brought your Costco card, because you're about to get d*ck in bulk!
Darnell
What? This is so dark.
James
How does a prix fixe dinner of five courses of d*ck sound? You eat organic?
Darnell
What?
James
How about fresh farm-to-table, a purée of my balls! Yeah. Merry Dickmas, Santa C*ck! Hmm?
Darnell
Okay. All right, man. Where is this stuff coming from, James?
James
Hey, son. You're a disappointment to your parents. Who I fu*ked!
Darnell
Oh, sh*t. James, this is sick. You gotta be crazy to think of this. That crazy is good.
James
Thank you.
Clip 9
Yep... he's still working on his trash talk. And now he's gone for tongue-twisters. Did Peter Piper really pick a peck of pickled c*cks? You decide.