15 MP3 Audio clips from Come Fly With Me (2010)

PLAY ALL 15 CLIPS

Introducing Fearghal O'Farrell, a steward on the low-cost Irish airline, Our Lady Air. He's one of ten brothers, all cabin crew. All gay. All fliers. Except his mother.

V/O

Fearghal works for one of FlyLo's rivals; the low-cost Irish airline, Our Lady Air. And aviation runs in his family.

Fearghal O'Farrell

There's ten of us. Ten boys. Uh, we're all gay. Uh, except Finbar who's bi. And we're all cabin crew. That's right, we're all flyers. Everyone in my family flies. Except my mother. She's never flown. Well, she's never not been pregnant.

Precious Little runs Coffee Stop at the main terminal. And, as always, there's a problem which means she must close early. Praise the Lord!

Precious Little

Well, we got no coffee.

[Laughs]

We're a coffee shop and we got no coffee! Me arrive here this morning, to find a big tin of coffee mysteriously disappeared. We got cup, we got spoon, we got milk, we got sugar, we got water, we got fire but we got no coffee. The Lord in his almighty wisdom has decided to take the coffee from us! So me got no option but to close early. CLOSED! In a way 'tis a blessing. Because me got craving to go McDonald and get meself McEgg McMuffin. Praise the Lord for his 99p breakfasts!

Moses Beacon is an über camp Executive Passenger Liaison for Great British Air. And he loves working with the elderly. Sort of.

Moses Beacon

I love looking after the elderly. I love hearing their stories, I love hearing about the old days and if you spend enough time with old people, you do eventually get used to the smell.

Melody Baines is a Check-in Assistant with FlyLo. And she questions the quantity of luggage passengers seem to have to take on holiday with them.

Melody Baines

All we hear from passengers is that they don't like the new baggage allowance rules, but honestly... what do you really need to take with you on holiday, anyway? Some Hawaiian Tropic, couple of pairs of bikini bottoms and a pregnancy testing kit!

Taaj Manzoor is ground crew for FlyLo. And he's nothing if not creative, especially when it comes to explaining delays to passengers.

V/O

On the other side of the airport, FlyLo employee Taaj has just been told of a serious plane malfunction.

Taaj Manzoor

See, what happened was, was, they was just getting the plane out of the hangar and the wing fell off. So what they've gotta do is, they gotta stick the wing back on the plane but they gotta get themselves some special aeroplane glue, isn't it? So there's gonna be a little bit of a delay. But, thing is, I don't wanna tell passengers this because it might make them a tiny bit nervous, so I've just been thinking of other things I can tell them instead.

[Cut to: Departure Gate. TAAJ is addressing the passengers waiting to board]

Passenger

Excuse me?

Taaj Manzoor

Yes, boss?

Passenger

What's the delay?

Taaj Manzoor

Um, uh... a volcano has erupted in Bradford and is spewing out all ash and that.

[There follows a montage of other things he's telling passengers to explain the delay]

We've had a phone call from a woman who lives near the airport, and she's having a barbecue today. And she says please can we have no planes flying overhead because it's a bit noisy. We've run out of Appletise so it's not safe to travel. The pilot parked the plane and he can't remember where he left it. One of the Stewards has got eczema so it would be a bit risky, isn't it? It's getting quite dark and the pilot is worried about flying the plane at night in case he can't see anything.

Passenger

Oh, really?

Taaj Manzoor

Yeah, REALLY! HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO FLY A PLANE AT NIGHT?!

The pilot's still at home because he's watching Avatar on DVD and he didn't realise how long it was. One of the stewards is a batty boy and he just found out that his boyfriend's been bumming someone else. And he's just like, crying and crying so we can't fly.

Passenger

Well, that's ridiculous. I want a full refund.

Taaj Manzoor

Yeah, but we cannot give a refund 'cos it is an act of God, isn't it?

Passenger

How is that an act of God?

Taaj Manzoor

God made him batty!

It's Precious again. What disaster could have befallen her little coffee kiosk today which will make it necessary to close early?

V/O

It's 8am and back at the airport, coffee kiosk employee Precious is faced with the morning rush.

Precious Little

[Addressing CUSTOMERS]

Come on, SHOO! SHOO! GO ON!

V/O

But she's having to close early.

Precious Little

Problem today, we got no paper cup! We got coffee, we got milk, we got water, we got fire, we got sugar, we got sweetener, we got chocolate sprinkle. But we got no paper cup. Well, me suppose me got no option but to spend the rest of the day playing on the fruit machines with the petty cash from the till! Praise the Lord for the thirty pound jackpot! CLOSED!

Melody Baines has just checked in a passenger but she forgot to ask him the security questions. Luckily, her colleague Keeley picked up on this.

Keeley St Clair

Melody, you didn't ask the security questions.

Melody Baines

Oh, um... sorry, Sir, I forgot to ask you the security questions.

Passenger

Okay.

Melody Baines

Did you pack the case yourself?

Passenger

No.

Melody Baines

Could anyone have interfered with your luggage at any point?

Passenger

Yes.

Melody Baines

Did anyone ask you to bring anything on to the aircraft?

Passenger

Yes.

Melody Baines

Does your bag contain any lighters, aerosols or any sharp objects?

Passenger

Uh, yes. All of those.

Melody Baines

Good! Enjoy the flight.

David Schwimmer has been a very naughty boy. He's tried to smuggle hardcore trans-sexual pornography into the UK. But he's been intercepted and now has some explaining to do.

V/O

David Schwimmer has been stopped and searched at customs. The Friends star was attempting to smuggle a large number of illegal items into the country.

Customs Officer 1

One copy, Chicks with Dicks, one copy Shemale Orgy, one copy Tranny Mania.

Customs Officer 2

[Writing a list of the contraband discovered]

Tranny... Mania.

Customs Officer 1

One copy, Shemale Orgy 3, one copy, Ladyboy Lickfest, final item... one copy, Shemale Sandwich.

Customs Officer 2

Right, you're aware these items are illegal in the UK? In which case would you care to explain to me why you have attempted to bring them into the country?

David Schwimmer

Well, this is very... it's very difficult for me because... I don't wanna get someone else in trouble. But... they're actually a present for... a friend.

Customs Officer 1

Which friend?

David Schwimmer

Matt LeBlanc.

Customs Officer 1

Matt LeBlanc?

David Schwimmer

That's correct. It's... it's sad but, um... he really can only become aroused when watching this sort of material.

Customs Officer 2

Have you watched any of these films?

David Schwimmer

I have and I found it... absolutely disgusting.

Customs Officer 1

Which of the DVDs did you watch, Mr. Schwimmer?

David Schwimmer

All of them. All of them. I was very curious as to... what kind of films Matt had asked me to buy. For him.

Customs Officer 1

Really?

David Schwimmer

Uh-hmm. You guys are doing an excellent... an excellent job here and I... I really appreciate it.

Customs Officer 2

Yeah, sit down, sir.

David Schwimmer

They're for Jennifer Aniston.

Juvenile delinquency in the UK is not nearly as bad as this clip suggests. In fact, in many towns and cities, it's worse.

V/O

It's 7am and Melody's first passengers of the day are proving difficult. Children under two travel free but Melody believes this woman's son may not qualify.

Woman

Ross'll be two the day after we get back from Malaga.

Melody

Well, he doesn't look two to me.

Woman

Yeah, well he's big for his age!

Melody

Well, he's standing there playing a computer game.

Woman

Yeah, well they grow up so fast these days. He's walking, he's talking, he's even smoking!

Melody

Madam, if a child is above twenty-four months, you need to buy them their own seat.

Woman

Yeah, well he's gonna sit on my lap.

Ross

Urgh, I ain't sittin' on your lap.

Woman

YOU ARE SITTIN' ON MY LAP!

Ross

I ain't gay!

Melody

Ross. Come here.

[ROSS reluctantly approaches the check-in desk]

How old are you?

Woman

Ross.

Ross

One and a 'alf.

Melody

What year were you born?

Ross

Last year.

Woman

See?

Melody

I'm sorry, Madam. I don't believe your son is under twenty-four months and, as such, you're gonna have to buy him his own ticket.

Ross

Slag!

If you've ever flown first class, you'll know that this isn't far from the truth. You really do eat and drink non-stop from the moment you reach cruising altitude.

V/O

Penny is Head Stewardess in Great British Air's First Class.

Penny

Our first class service is the finest in the world. Upon boarding, one is served champagne and canapés, then it's a five-course lunch with wine. Ten minutes after that, we serve sandwiches and scones then after that it's dinner, followed by a cheese board and liqueurs. Then you're force-fed a whole box of chocolate truffles. Then we darken the cabin for a few seconds and then serve a full English breakfast.

Omar Baba is the owner of the low-cost airline FlyLo. He's determined to become carbon-neutral. And his ideas are... well, they're fu*king NUTS!

Omar Baba

I have many other plans for my airline to help save environment. I'm going to make the skirts of stewardesses 30% shorter. Use less fabric. From next week, I'm phasing out toilet paper in all of my planes. And as of today, I have stopped using deodorant.

[OMAR lifts his left arm and sniffs the patch of sweat in his armpit]

Musky!

Simon and Jackie are the UK's first man and wife flying team. Captain and First Officer respectively, they go everywhere together. Because, for good reason, Jackie doesn't trust her husband.

V/O

During the preparation for today's flight, Jackie has spotted a familiar name on the staff roster.

Jackie

She's on the plane! She's on the plane! The Stewardess who slept with Simon. She's cabin crew today. There she is, over there. She doesn't know me, but I know her. Oh yes. Not as attractive as I thought. She must have put on weight. Probably the guilt. Look at her; undressing those men with her eyes.

Sally Wicks

Welcome on board.

Jackie

Welcome on board! That's what she said to Simon, just before he put it in her.

[Cut to: Flight Deck. Simon and Jackie are completing their pre-flight checks when Jackie decides to make the customary announcement that Simon should be making]

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome on board this Great British Air flight 287 to Barcelona. We'll be taking off in just a few minutes. Our cabin crew on board today will be happy to help you in any way they can. Especially Sally Wicks who will get down on her knees to help you. Just don't leave her alone with your husbands, ladies because Sally Wicks is nothing more than a TROLLOP!

Simon

Right -

Jackie

No, Simon! I'm gonna say it. Sally Wicks is a jezebel. She's a home-wrecker. She's a slutty slut slut of the skies. Enjoy the flight.

Precious seems to be making something of a habit of this. If it isn't coffee or paper cups it's a lack of water which means she can't operate. But don't worry. She has plans for her time off.

V/O

Lunch time is normally a busy time for the coffee kiosk but today, Precious is having to close early.

Precious Little

Well, today... something very mysterious occurred. We got coffee, we got cup, we got sugar, we got sweetener, we got full-fat milk, we got low-fat milk, we got soya milk for the lactose-intolerant community and we got gas for to give us a hot, hot fire. But the Lord in his almighty wisdom has decided that today would be the day when we got no water. Looks like someone, and I don't know who, has taken a hacksaw and cut through the water pipe. Who would do such a thing? Well, anyway, the plumber here now but he gonna take hours to fix so me got no option but to go to London town with me sisters and catch the matinée performance of Dirty Dancing. Praise the Lord for the two-for-one ticket offer!

Plumber

I fixed it.

Precious Little

What?

Plumber

Yeah, I put a new length of pipe in so it should be working for ya.

[He turns the tap and water comes out]

There ya go.

Precious Little

May the Lord smite thee down!

Penny is excited at the prospect of welcoming Princess Anne aboard a Great British Air flight next week. She just has to make sure everything is perfect for her favourite royal.

V/O

Back in the first class cabin, Penny is still busy making preparations for Princess Anne's flight.

Penny

Now each passenger has their own in-flight entertainment system that allows them to browse genres and choose from all the latest releases.

Flunky

Princess Anne, the Princess Royal is extremely particular about which actors she is willing to watch. The list of approved actors is as follows...

Penny

Let me just get a pen.

Flunky

Quickly!

Penny

Yes?

Flunky

Jason Statham -

Penny

Mmm, yes.

Flunky

Jet Li -

Penny

Yes.

Flunky

Dolph Lundgren -

Penny

Yes.

Flunky

Arnold Schwarzenegger -

Penny

Yes.

Flunky

and Sylvester Stallone.

Penny

Oh, well there is a film with all those people in. I believe it's called The Expendables. Maybe I could order that in specially for the Princess?

Flunky

Princess Anne, the Princess Royal has already seen The Expendables.

Penny

Did she like it?

Flunky

No, she did not. She said it wasn't nearly violent enough and, and I quote, "it was for pu**ies."

Things aren't going well for Omar Baba. First a passenger suffers a DVT and has her leg amputated, then his attempt at going carbon-neutral falls flat on its face. And now...

V/O

It's proving to be another long day for FlyLo owner, Omar Baba who's all over the front pages again. Serious allegations of sexual harassment have hit the front pages with several FlyLo employees going on record with their complaints.

Helen Baker

Mr. Baba did not physically touch me but he did once make a verbal comment that I had very nice breasts and that he would like to put his head between them and go like this...

[She shakes her head violently from side to side as though motor-boating]

I felt that was inappropriate.

Melody Baines

Mr. Baba did not physically touch me but he did once make a verbal comment that I had very nice breasts and that he would like to put his head between them and go like this...

[She does the same]

I felt this was inappropriate.

Taaj Manzoor

Mr. Baba did not physically touch me but he did once make a verbal comment that I had very nice breasts and that he would like to put his head between them and go like this...

[He does the same]

You get me?