3 MP3 Audio clips from Season 4 of That Mitchell and Webb Look (2006)

PLAY ALL 22 CLIPS IN THE RANDOMISER™

A company presentation ends in a massacre when the MD can't seem to cope (without extreme violence) with mispronunciation and bad grammar from members of his team.

Ian

Which means a better outcome for everyone. Ladies and gentlemen, that concludes my presentation on the Healthy Homes and Hospitals programme, or haitch, haitch, haitch. Any questions?

Tony

How do you say your acronym again?

Ian

It's haitch, haitch, haitch.

Tony

Thought so.

[He screws a suppressor onto a handgun and shoots Ian in the head, killing him instantly before double-tapping him on the floor]

Woman

Bloody Hell! You just shot Ian!

Tony

It's pronounced "aitch." Not "haitch." Aitch.

Luke

You can't shoot him, just for that.

Tony

I just did. Anyway, it's my company, I can do what I like.

Woman

But we all signed the No Bullying in the Workplace Pledge which pecifically bans physical violence.

Tony

What did you say?

Woman

I said it pecifically bans physical violence.

Tony

It's "specifically." With an S. Specifically.

[He executes her, too]

Luke

Bloody Hell, Tony... will you stop shooting people for saying things wrong?

Tony

[Pointing at a woman sat on the opposite side of the table]

You. What are you drinking?

Woman

A... coffee.

Tony

What type?

Woman

It's an expresso.

[TONY executes her where she sits]

Tony

The word is Espresso.

Luke

Stop it, Tony!

Tony

Oh, come on, Luke. You know very well I killed my own wife for ironically saying mispronunciation. If I apply rigorous standards at home, I see no reason why the same standards shouldn't apply in the workplace.

Luke

Why do you have to shoot them? Why can't you just sack them?

Tony

Hmm. Well, I never thought of that. Yes I... I suppose I could. It's just the red mist tends to descend whenever I'm confronted with ignorami.

Luke

Actually, Tony, I think you'll find it's ignoramuses.

Tony

What?

Luke

It's from the Latin. We are ignorant. That makes it a verb, not a noun.

Tony

Oh, no. What have I done?

[He turns the gun on himself]

Come on... we've all met them. At a party, at a convention, at a team-building event. The man who thinks he's a natural-born people-person. But is, in fact, a total and utter dildo.

Man

So... James, pleasure to meet you, James. Real pleasure to meet you. Heard a lot about you, James.

James

Really?

Man

Zing! Like it! So, uh... tell me, James... what do you do for your day job? I'm asking because I'm genuinely interested.

James

Well, well... I work in a sewage treatment plant. It's pretty low-key but occasionally there's a blockage which means someone's got to physically -

Man

Yeah, brilliant! Yeah, God, I'm so bloody fascinated, James. I'd like to glue my brain to your face.

James

Are you evening listening to me -

Man

That is so true.

James

I... I'm not even talking.

Man

Hah! Me neither! We've got so much in common! We should totally do lunch.

James

Oh, I see what's going on here.

Man

What?

James

You think you're good with people.

Man

Sorry?

James

It all makes sense. The... the fake matiness, the rapey arm-touching, the... the way you keep using my name in a way that makes me feel oddly violated as if you've just dipped your c*ck in my drink.

Man

Sorry. It's called people skills.

James

Well, I'm sorry to have to break this to you, mate, but these people skills you seem so desperate to thrust at me as if I'm the social equivalent of a wa*k doll, just make you seem weird and a bit scary. No offence, but in a party situation, you seem about as relaxed and friendly as a serial killer doing a police interview whilst still wearing his last victim's skin!

Man

Oh.

James

Don't worry... it's totally normal. It doesn't make you the sort of freaky, long finger-nailed loner who gets arrested in Sainsburys' for stroking the bread. Being sh*t with people is just a very minor disability you share with anyone who isn't Alan Carr or Top Cat. Just accept it and move on.

Man

Okay, well... p*ss off and stand on your own, then.

James

That's more like it.

Having a baby can make or break a relationship. Tiredness, sore nipples, stretchmarks... you know. I'm not selling this concept very well, am I? Having a baby is an amazing thing. Honest.

Vicar

So, uh... the wedding worked?

Man

Yes, the wedding worked.

Woman

Well done, us!

[The man grimaces, sarcastically]

Vicar

And you've called her Dorothy? Lovely name.

Woman

Yes, she's Dorothy although, uh... we prefer to call her Dottie. Don't we Dottie?

Man

[Peering into the baby bouncer adoringly]

Hello, Dottie!

Woman

Hello, Dottie!

Man

I prefer Dorothy, actually.

Woman

UP YOURS!

Man

UP YOURS!

[Turning back to the vicar]

So you'd like the Christening to form part of the regular Sunday service?

Vicar

Yes, if... if that's okay with you.

Woman

Fine.

Man

Absolutely.

Woman

[Mocking her husband]

Absolutely!

Man

SH*T YOU!

Vicar

Otherwise it's a bit like welcoming someone into a family while everyone's in bed.

Woman

In bed? What are you saying?

Man

We still have sex, you know.

Woman

I mean, we are very tired but...

Man

I'm not tired.

Woman

You're not breastfeeding.

Man

Neither are you, any more.

Woman

[Bursting into tears]

It's very hard.

Man

[Also bursting into tears]

It's been hard for me, too.

Woman

UP YOURS!

Man

UP YOURS!

Vicar

Guys, this -

Man / Woman

[Turning their anger towards the VICAR]

UP YOURS!

Man

UP YOURS!

Woman

UP YOURS!

Man

UP YOURS!

Vicar

UP YOURS! UP YOURS!

[BABY DOROTHY lets out a fart]

Woman

What a lovely fart.

Man

Good girl!