4 MP3 Audio clips from Season 3 of That Mitchell and Webb Look (2006)

PLAY ALL 22 CLIPS IN THE RANDOMISER™

The Ambassador of the United States of America is presenting Queen Victoria with a Tilia. A Linden Tree. Which smells of... well, not to put too fine a point on it... it smells of.... semen. Honestly.

Ambassador

This, your Majesty... is the Linden Tree. Which has long stood as a symbol of the loyalty and strength of our people. It is our hope that as a token of friendship between our two countries, your Majesty will accept the gift of twenty-thousand such Linden Trees. To be planted throughout your kingdom's many public parks and spaces. As gentle sentinels, proffering in the heat of the summer sun, both shade to your busy citizens and the Linden's sweet, distinctive scent.

[The CROWD applaud politely]

Queen Victoria

Ambassador, we thank you. And it is a most distinctive scent. Prime Minister, may we have a word? Excuse us, Ambassador.

[QUEEN VICTORIA and the PRIME MINISTER move away from the AMBASSADOR]

Can you smell... cum?

Prime Minister

What?!

Queen Victoria

Can you smell cum? There's an incredibly strong smell of cum.

Prime Minister

Your Majesty!

Queen Victoria

I was wondering if it might be the tree. It's not you, is it?

Prime Minister

No, it is NOT me, your Majesty. I... I don't really... I mean I... I can't say I've really smelled -

Queen Victoria

Oh, you MUST be able to. It's potent.

Prime Minister

STOP IT! Your Majesty, STOP this NOW!

Queen Victoria

I beg your pardon?

Prime Minister

I... I apologise, your Majesty but... the whole tenor of this conversation is completely out of keeping with contemporary mores.

Queen Victoria

What do you mean?

Prime Minister

It's not Victorian.

Queen Victoria

It's a perfectly valid observation.

Prime Minister

"Look at the funny wheels on that Penny Farthing!" is a perfectly valid observation for a Victorian, your Majesty. "Don't Linden Trees smell like cum?", conversely, is the sky falling in on our heads.

Queen Victoria

Prime Minister -

Prime Minister

Do you know how hot I am? Under this hat? With this beard? This big Victorian beard, your Majesty? I am boiling. I am covered in starch and I'm boiling and I can barely move at home for little vases on stands or portraits of ill children praying and what has been the point? What really has been the point of the last fifty years of my being a Victorian if Queen Victoria herself is suddenly going to sidle over and ask me... can I smell cum?!

Queen Victoria

Well, I have to say something.

Prime Minister

You do not. You do not. You are Queen Victoria. This society was your idea, I am boiling and you will say nothing. Not to me and not to the Ambassador.

Queen Victoria

You say, then.

Prime Minister

No!

Queen Victoria

Prime Minister, either one of us says something now, or from this day forward, every single park, every single summer... is going to smell of cum!

Prime Minister

Well, they'll just have to smell of cum, then.

Queen Victoria

Fine!

In a regular feature, Mitchell & Webb present an alternative slant on classic Hollywood movies. This one is entitled Rude Gandhi. For reasons that will become all too clear.

Children

RUDE GANDHI!

Syed Ahmed Khan

Which means, Mister Gandhi, that partition is the only workable solution.

Gandhi

YOU CAN SHOVE THAT UP YOUR ASS, YA SH*T!

[GANDHI cocks his leg and farts loudly]

Pride & Prejudice as you've never imagined it before. Where Mister Darcy is not quite the handsome, charming man most assume him to be. He doesn't dance and he has a potty mouth.

Caroline Bingley

And pray, Miss Bennett, what do you call this quaint country dance?

Miss Bennett

We call it, "The Conga", Miss Bingley. I am surprised you have not heard of it.

Caroline Bingley

Oh, do you hear that, Mister Darcy? Miss Bennet chides us for our ignorance of local customs.

Miss Bennett

I certainly did not mean to chide. But I confess myself surprised by Mister Darcy's behaviour.

Caroline Bingley

Miss Bennett, you astound me. What could there be in the behaviour of poor Mister Darcy that provokes such hasty slander?

Miss Bennett

Forgive my impertinence, I merely wish to observe that Mister Darcy refuses to partake of The Conga. Yet gentlemen are scarce and there are plainly several young ladies left wholly out of The Conga.

Caroline Bingley

But what in heavens is this to do with Mister Darcy?

Mr Darcy

It's meant to go boy, girl, boy, girl.

Caroline Bingley

Mister Darcy?

Mister Darcy

It's meant to go boy, girl, boy, girl. You are right, Miss Bennett. Perhaps I am too hard. It is only in defence of my rank that I feel bound to abstain. A gentleman does not Conga.

Miss Bennett

I would be loathed to make a habit of contradicting you, Sir, but my father is a gentleman and he Congas with the best of them. Perhaps it is not simply the Conga but all manner of dance that you consider beneath your station?

Mister Darcy

Indeed not, Miss Bennett, but you must allow that the only dance my position could possibly support is that of Freestyle Disco.

Caroline Bingley

Know ye not, Miss Bennett, that Mister Darcy has been Freestyle Disco champion of all Derbyshire these last dozen years.

Miss Bennett

I confess I did not know.

Caroline Bingley

In faith, what would appear to be the summation of all that you do not know, Miss Bennett, would make for quite -

Mr Darcy

OH CAROLINE, WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT THE FU*K UP?!

Imagine moving into a street, being invited to a "getting to know you party" at your neighbour's house and mistaking it for an orgy. Can you imagine that? Go on. Imagine it.

John

Everyone, this is Ben and Lizzie who've just moved into number 14.

Barbara

Oh, hello there!

Ben

Oh, my God!

John

Sorry, is everything all right?

Ben

Um, there's been a misunderstanding. We're not swingers.

John

Not -

Ben

We don't have sex with other couples.

John

What... what, you think that we're all -

Ben

I'm not judging. It's just, um... it's not really our thing. You know, we like to keep that side of things private.

Lizzie

We're just shy.

Ben

Yeah, that's it. We're just shy. Call it our weird fetish.

Lizzie

Yeah, it's almost like in this room, we're the perverts.

Ben

Good one.

John

Uh, look, we're... we're not swingers, either. I... I don't want to have sex with your wife.

Ben

[Laughs incredulously]

Yeah, right!

John

Honestly...

Ben

With the best will in the world, John, yes you do.

John

I really...

Ben

I've seen your wife. She's sitting there with a slack jaw, staring at my groin like she's in some kind of erotic coma. That's all well and good and I'm sure Barbara's a very nice lady but... that doesn't mean I want to rim her. Now, if you'll excuse us, Lizzie and I are acutely conscious that you've been mentally undressing us the whole time we've been standing here. You're all thinking about Lizzie's splendid, untroubled, almost French-looking breasts and my cute, peachy ass.

[To illustrate his point, BEN begins to slap his own buttocks]

And if that thought helps get this imminent orgy go with a bit more kapow, then, uh... that's just our gift to you.

Lizzie

Yeah, we'll leave the wine as well.

Ben

Yeah, we'll leave the wine as well because, frankly, no offence but... you're gonna need it. Good luck!

Lizzie

Well, I found this whole thing quite arousing.

Ben

Yeah, that makes two of us, Sweetheart. Notice... two of us, not eight of us.

Lizzie

Bye then!

Ben

Cheerio!