3 MP3 Audio clips from Season 2 of That Mitchell and Webb Look (2006)

PLAY ALL 22 CLIPS IN THE RANDOMISER™

In the tradition of the Carry On franchise, welcome to a bawdy 1970's hospital where innuendo is infectious. Unless you're Doctor Askwith. He just can't grasp the concept at all.

Doctor

Right, let's have a look at your charts, Mr. Peppard. Hmm, yes, looking better than yesterday.

Mr. Peppard

Ooh, thank you, Doctor!

Doctor

[Pulling out a syringe and priming it]

Now... you might feel a small pr**k.

Mr. Peppard

Wouldn't be the first!

Doctor

Brace yourself. I'm gonna give you one in the posterior.

Mr. Peppard

I should be so lucky. Is this your first time? I hope you know where you're sticking that thing!

Doctor

Don't worry. It isn't hard.

Mr. Peppard

Mmm, speak for yourself!

Doctor Askwith

[Arriving late into the conversation]

Shall I get my c*ck out?

[The music stops and everyone stares at Doctor Askwith, aghast]

What?

Doctor

Doctor Askwith... go and help Nurse Sidebottom.

[Cut to: Adjoining ward. NURSE SIDEBOTTOM is holding a jug in each hand]

Nurse Sidebottom

Can I get you tea or coffee, Darling?

Patient

That's a lovely pair of jugs.

Nurse Sidebottom

[Laughs in the style of the late, great Barbara Windsor]

Cheeky! Just get your hands off 'em, they're hot!

Patient

Tell me something I don't know!

[They BOTH laugh]

Doctor Askwith

Do you want to rub them on my c*ck?

[The music stops as everyone stares, aghast]

Consultant

ASWKITH! Come with me.

[Cut to: CONSULTANT'S office. ASKWITH sits opposite him]

What on Earth is wrong with you, Doctor Askwith? This is supposed to be a bawdy 1970's hospital. Please stick to using innuendo.

Doctor Askwith

I'm sorry, Sir but to be honest I've never really understood the difference between double entendres and the stuff I say.

Consultant

Let me try to explain.

[Pulls out a fishing rod from beneath his desk]

If I say, "Would you like to grasp my rod?", that's innuendo. "Would you like to wa*k off my c*ck?"... that's not. Do you see what I mean?

Doctor Askwith

Not really.

Consultant

Well, maybe you're not cut out to be a doctor in a bawdy 1970's hospital.

Doctor Askwith

Right. Perhaps it's for the best if I leave.

Consultant

I think you're right. Now there's no need to make a scene. Just leave discreetly. I think it's best if you use the rear entrance and go up the back passage.

Doctor Askwith

Ooer, missus?

Consultant

Too late.

Panto. A very British tradition. Where innuendo and sexual themes are masked so as to go over the heads of children and hit adults square in the face. Except for this particular production.

[WIDOW TWANKY is bent over a table and one of the UGLY SISTERS is spanking her]

Buttons

Ha ha! Take that, you beauty!

Widow Twanky

No! Oh, no! Stop it!

Director

[Laughs maniacally at the sight before him]

That's great stuff. Fantastic.

Producer

[Walking into the auditorium through a door left of the stage]

Okay, guys... guys. Listen up! Listen up, guys. Um, look it's... it's bad news. I've just been talking to the Parish Council and they... strongly feel that we should drop the dame rape from this year's panto.

Director

What?!

Producer

Now, I know how you all feel about this -

Ugly Sister

[Moving towards the edge of the stage, we see that she's wearing a hideous strap-on]

But it's traditional!

Director

It's everyone's favourite bit!

Producer

I'm sorry but I'm afraid the message that I'm getting, loud and clear, from the Parish Council is that it's... offensive, in this day and age.

Director

Oh, WHAT?! What NEXT?! I suppose they're going to tell us we can't have Cinderella sucking off the panto horse, now?

Producer

Well, I'm afraid they did voice some concerns.

Cinderella

But Mrs. Edwards has built a contraption that makes it jizz!

Mrs. Edwards

[Appearing from the rear of the panto horse costume, holding a syringe filled with egg white]

That's right!

Producer

Look, I'm just... just don't shoot the messenger.

Director

But the messenger shooting's the only bit of gore in the whole thing!

Producer

I know and I'm sorry -

Director

Oh, this is ridiculous. First, the dwarf gassing scene has to go, then the Mister Wolf Wa*k Song gets cut. Buttons has to be wearing clothes, which means his name's not a joke any more! I must say, I'm on the point of walking. Tell me, Alan... can we still force-feed Mother Goose and throw her resultant pâté at the audience?

Producer

Oh yeah, they're fine with that.

Director

Okay.

Working from home. It's become the norm during the pandemic, hasn't it? Which has almost certainly led to an increase in instances of spontaneous masturbation "at work."

Anita

Hi, guys. How are you?

Gary

Oh, not bad, Anita. Good to see you.

Anita

Terry, this is Gary and Michelle. I was telling you about them.

Terry

Hello. Nice to meet you.

Gary

Hi!

Anita

Gary works from home as well, don't you, Gary?

Gary

Oh, you've given up the nine to five as well then, Terry?

Terry

Well, I've only been doing it a few months but, uh...

Gary

Takes a bit of getting used to.

Anita

Well, I'll leave you boys to it. Michelle, come on. There's some people I want you to meet.

Gary

So, have you, uh... you know...

Terry

What?

Gary

You know. Got past the wa*king stage yet?

Terry

I beg your pardon?

Gary

Don't pretend. You've got that look in your eye.

Terry

I don't know what you're...

[Whispering]

Does it get any easier?

Gary

You've just got to learn to control it.

Terry

I mean, I wake up with the best of intentions, you know... I mean streamline my business plan, market research... but -

Gary

- Within half an hour of the wife leaving the house, you're on the old internet...

Terry

I mean, the first month... I did it so often I couldn't sit down!

Gary

We've all been there.

Terry

It's getting harder to explain to Anita why I'm not making any progress with the business, you know. I mean, I can't tell her that instead of phoning potential clients, I'm just frantically wa*king off over the most mildly arousing image on daytime TV.

Gary

See, you've just got to learn to timetable it properly.

Terry

Really?

Gary

Hmm. It's like a reward system. You... you make a good phone call, have a wa*k to celebrate! Works for me.

Terry

Sounds like a good idea.

Gary

I mean, I nearly wa*ked the whole business away a couple of years ago. I had to claw it back from the brink.

Anita

[Returning]

Hey, what are you boys colluding over?

Terry

Uh, no... Gary was just giving me some really good advice about working from home. You know, keeping track of your finances, allotting your time effectively -

Anita

He should be telling you how to reign in the wa*king! I mean, on your own at home all day... I know what I'd be doing!