12 MP3 Audio clips from Season 1 of That Mitchell and Webb Look (2006)

PLAY ALL 22 CLIPS IN THE RANDOMISER™

I wonder if members of the Schutzstaffel (SS) ever stopped to consider the sinister imagery of their insignia? Probably not. The a**holes.

Hans

They're coming. Now we'll see how these Russians deal with a crack SS Division.

2nd Nazi

Uh... Hans...

Hans

Have courage my friend.

2nd Nazi

Yeah, er... Hans, I've just noticed something.

Hans

These Communists are all cowards.

2nd Nazi

Have you looked at our caps recently?

Hans

Our caps?

2nd Nazi

The badges on our caps. Have... have you looked at them?

Hans

What? No... a bit.

2nd Nazi

They've got skulls on them. Have you noticed that our caps have actually got little pictures of skulls on them?

Hans

I... I don't, er...

2nd Nazi

Hans... Are we the baddies?

Henry and his girlfriend are enjoying a relaxing evening in a local restaurant. That is until the painfully superior and rude waiter shows up.

Girlfriend

This is nice Henry.

Henry

Isn't it? I think it's amazing the way restaurants have changed in this country over the last 20 years.

Girlfriend

Yeah, what with gastro pubs and All Bar One... things like that, it's just so easy now.

Waiter

Are you ready to order sir?

Henry

Sorry mate, um... haven't had a look yet but, um... can we order a bottle of the house red to be going on with?

Waiter

"Mate"? "The house red"? "To be going on with"? Where the hell do you think you are?

Henry

Sorry?

Waiter

Do you even know what the house red is? Are you even an expert on wine? Because, if you're not, I don't know on what basis you venture to order it.

Henry

Sorry, what happened to the friendly Australian girl that used to work here?

Waiter

She's gone, sir. They've all gone. And we're back.

Henry

Who?

Waiter

The incredibly posh people who are still unaccountably waiters. And I'm afraid we've changed the rules.

Henry

Well, we'd still like to order.

Waiter

I saw you in here last week. I saw you drinking your soup. I saw you blowing and slurping and dunking your bread. We were watching you on the monitors in the kitchen and we all thought you were a d*ck.

Henry

I'm sorry, I can't believe you talk to paying customers like this.

Waiter

And I can't believe you're continuing with this. You know that I can destroy you. Observe my trolley. These are my weapons. Today I'm recommending the consommé which, as every schoolboy knows, provided your school wasn't free, is to be consumed only using a vichyssoise fork. It's all in the wrist. And for sir... crab, which you're supposed to tackle using this.

[The WAITER hands a chromed ladle to HENRY]

Make sure you kill it right, or it's poisonous. Off you go.

[The MAN and WOMAN, struggling, try to swap cutlery]

You're not allowed to swap. My, my... it's like watching "The Generation Game". I expect that's a reference you get.

Henry

Right. I've had just about enough of you talking to me like this. I'd like to see the manager.

Waiter

How can I possibly introduce YOU to the manager? You haven't shaved, you're not wearing a tie and you hold your ladle like a pen. Now, take your gaudy but gratifyingly mute girlfriend and GET OUT!

These two characters don't have names. But that doesn't stop them organising parties. No. And they have a very exclusive guest list.

Man 1

Oh, let's invite Moneypenny.

Man 2

Oh, yeah, let's have Moneypenny. She's always good value.

Man 1

Although...

Man 2

What?

Man 1

There's a chance she'll bring that bloke.

Man 2

Oh, God, yeah, I think I know the one you mean.

Man 1

The tall one. What's his name? John?

Man 2

James.

Man 1

James, yeah. What a penis.

Man 2

Well, you remember last time, it was only a barbecue and he turned up in his tuxedo.

Man 1

I know. Stood around making smug remarks. I don't know what Moneypenny sees in him.

Man 2

Well, do you remember that drinks do I had just before Christmas? Moneypenny brings John...

Man 1

- James...

Man 2

James along. "Oh, God!", but I thought Christmas spirit...

Man 1

Absolutely.

Man 2

So I said, "Hi, James! We've got mulled wine or I think there's some beer in the fridge."

Man 1

Yeah.

Man 2

C*ck asked for a Martini.

Man 1

A Martini?

Man 2

A Martini, yeah.

Man 1

Oh, come on.

Man 2

So I said, "I'm sorry, James, I don't think I've got any Martini." I mean, why would I have any Martini? What does he think it is? 1973?

Man 1

I mean, where does that guy get off?

[Pulls two Walther PPK handguns from a drawer]

He keeps leaving these around.

Man 2

I think he gets them free at work.

Man 1

It's Moneypenny I feel sorry for. Did you see when I was going round with the voddy...

Man 2

What?

Man 1

Well, I said to Moneypenny, "Can you manage another finger in there?" meaning...

Man 2

- Finger of vodka in her glass of drink.

Man 1

Exactly.

Man 2

Self-explanatory.

Man 1

Yeah. And then James starts rolling his eyes like he's having some kind of stroke and says, "Oh, you can always get another finger inside Moneypenny."

Man 2

He said what?!

Man 1

I just literally did not know where to look.

Man 2

Finger inside Moneypenny?!

Man 1

I know. And I don't think Moneypenny was even at all turned on.

Man 2

Well, she was probably still recovering from the Darren incident.

Man 1

Oh, what was that?

Man 2

Oh, didn't you hear? Well, Darren turned up and anyway he starts getting a bit lippy about James's cigarette case.

Man 1

What did he say?

Man 2

Oh, said it was gay.

Man 1

Well, it is gay.

Man 2

Yeah, I know, exactly. Anyway, everyone's laughing, thinking, "Bit cheeky" but, you know, and then suddenly James picks him up and throws him through a window.

Man 1

Bloody hell! Is that why Darren can't walk now?

Man 2

Yeah. Poor guy landed on a railing spike and it went straight through his spine. Everyone's in shock apart from James who strolls over to the window, glances down and says, "What a piercing bore."

Man 1

"Piercing bore"? There's no such expression.

Man 2

I know, well, the railing was right next to a crusher. It's pretty clear he'd wanted to say "crushing bore" but he'd missed and he was making the best of a bad job.

Dreamy Pastures Insurance isn't like other life insurance companies. They won't give you a penny. They'll give you a genuine Albanian teenager instead.

Lucy

Mummy! Daddy! Come and push me on the swing.

Dad

OK.

Mum

Coming, darling!

V/O

No one likes to think that the worst might happen.

Lucy

Wee! Will you push me further?

Mum

Of course, darling. Oh, Roger, did you sort out that life insurance?

Dad

Couldn't be bothered. Life's great now so let's not think about it.

[Fade to an empty swing forlornly moving in the breeze]

[IN MONOTONE]

Do you want to play on the swings, Lucy?

Lucy

No, they remind me of Mummy, who's dead now.

Dad

Of course. Besides, I've got a bad back from worry and have become a drunk.

Lucy

It's a pity you didn't take out that insurance, after all.

Dad

Do you want a smack?

V/O

Of course, no amount of money can ever replace a spouse or loved one. So at Dreamy Pastures Insurance, we won't give you any money. Instead, we will replace your spouse or loved one with someone sexier and kinder. Within ten days of receipt of your tragic news, we'll stick a gorgeous Albanian teenager on the next cabbage boat. She'll be thinner than your previous spouse, initially at least, and having been brought up in an absolute sh*thole, you can be sure she won't give you any lip.

Lucy

Wee! My mummy doesn't make me do my homework.

Dad

I know, darling. It's because she can't read.

V/O

Dreamy Pastures Insurance. Because no one's irreplaceable.

Why do evil masterminds in spy movies speak in code? I mean, they should be clear about their murderous intentions, shouldn't they? Blofeld would have got a lot more done had he been clearer.

Keith

I'm afraid, sir, we still have a problem with Detective Harrison.

Lesley

Yes, Mr Harrison has an irritating talent for disrupting my arrangements.

Keith

Would you like me to have him... removed?

Lesley

Yes. Perhaps. Perhaps it would be better if Mr Harrison were... taken out of the picture.

Alan

- Sorry, guys, you're doing it again.

Lesley

What, Alan?

Alan

Have him removed? Take him out of the picture? I thought we agreed at the meeting that these terms are needlessly ambiguous.

Lesley

- I suppose...

Alan

- We all agreed that from now on, when we want someone murdered, i.e. deliberately killed to death, then that's what we're gonna say.

Keith

Look, everyone knows what we mean.

Alan

Well, on this occasion, perhaps. I mean, that was an order to murder Harrison, right?

Lesley

He has become a nuisance.

Alan

Right, but a nuisance we should murder. Is that it? I mean, my nephew's a nuisance but... do you see what I mean?

Lesley

Yes, yeah, all right.

Alan

Well, can you say it then, please?

Lesley

OK. Please... deal with the Harrison situation.

Alan

You see, that's no good.

Keith

Oh, that was perfectly clear.

Alan

Oh, what are you talking about, Keith? This is gonna be "let's hope Professor Ritson meets with a little accident" all over again. We spent nine months hoping that Professor Ritson would meet with an accident before Lesley made it clear it was an accident we were supposed to make happen.

Lesley

All right, you've made your point. You two get on with your work now.

Alan

Our murdering.

Lesley

Yes. Oh, and Alan... perhaps I'll see you later for a little... light refreshment.

Alan

Do you mean anal sex?

Lesley

Yes.

Christmas. A time for giving. A time for sharing. A time for thinking of others over and above yourself. A time to give heroin to loved-ones? Er, no. Don't remember being taught that.

Mum

Ohh, it's lovely, thank you.

Gran

Yes.

Susie

And this is from me and Ben. Merry Christmas.

Son

Ooh, is this what I think it is?

Ben

Could be.

Son

It IS, it's some heroin. Hooray!

Susie

We know how much you like heroin, so...

Son

Too right.

Ben

'Cause, 'cause we were saying, "Can we get him heroin? We got him heroin last year", but then Susie said, "Sod it, let's just get him heroin, he won't mind."

Son

Well, you can never have too much heroin, that's what I say.

Mum

Well, it's Christmas, isn't it?

Man

Er, this is from us.

Son

Ooh, wonder what this is.

Woman

Hope you like it. We both know how much you like heroin so we thought...

Son

Oh, it's a book of heroin anecdotes, great!

Woman

We thought a bit more interesting, you know, than just giving you heroin again.

Son

Yeah, yeah.

Man

But we got you some heroin to have while you're reading it.

Son

Oh. You silly sods!

Gran

And this is from me.

Son

Ooh, thank you, Grandma.

Gran

It's some cocaine.

Son

Oh, yeah.

Gran

That is the one you wanted, isn't it?

Son

Yeah, yeah.

Gran

The man said that would be the one you wanted. I tried to describe it and I did the face that you do when you've had some, you know, "Urghhh..." And he said that would be the one.

Son

Right.

Mum

[Whispering]

I'll take it back for you, love, and change it for some heroin.

Son

Thanks, Mum.

And it's not just waiters who are becoming unbearably aristocratic and condescending. No. Now vicars are getting in on the act, too!

Sally

I think it's great the way churches have become more inclusive and open-minded these days.

Tom

Yeah, I'm sure. I just don't think I'm really religious.

Sally

Oh, they're happy just to talk about stuff and it's a great place to make friends.

Vicar

Can I help you?

Sally

Hi, um, we're new to the area. We've just bought three of the old almshouses. We're having them knocked through. And we thought we'd just pop in and say hi.

Vicar

Who the hell did you think you were going to say hi to? The Lord your God? 'Cause I'm not sure you've lived lives worthy of His attention.

Tom

Er...

Sally

Ha, erm... Yeah, we're not particularly religious, I suppose but I think we'd both say we were spiritual people, wouldn't we, Tom?

Tom

Yeah.

Sally

And we're just interested to find out more.

Vicar

Not particularly religious? Interested? Spiritual? Are you testing me, Satan?

Sally

What happened to the friendly lady vicar with the colourful jumper that I met last week?

Vicar

She's gone, child. They've all gone. Banished by the Bishop. I know where they're going eventually. In the meantime, Daventry. And we're back.

Tom

Who?

Vicar

The incredibly horrible and twisted people who are still unaccountably vicars.

Sally

Maybe we should...

Vicar

I saw you in here last week. I saw you reading the notices and talking about your views and eating other people's biscuits. We were all watching you from the vestry and we all thought you were a b**ch.

Tom

Look, steady on. Look, I mean, my wife's entitled to her views.

Vicar

Oh, isn't she just?! Aren't you all entitled to your half-arsed musings on the divine? You've thought about eternity for 25 minutes and think you've come to some interesting conclusions. Well, let me tell you, I stand with 2,000 years of darkness and bafflement and hunger behind me. My kind have harvested the souls of a million peasants and I couldn't give a ha'penny jizz for your internet-assembled philosophy.

Tom

Look, Sally...

Sally

No, we have a right to be here. This is a place of peace.

Vicar

Oh, please. That's a very recent idea and not one that I think is going to catch on.

Sally

Well, I'm certainly not -

Vicar

BE GONE! BE GONE TO YOUR SATANIC ALMSHOUSE CONVERSION. LEAVE HERE, DAMN SINNING DOG OF A WHORE!

[TOM and SALLY cut their losses and run from the nave]

Vicar

Oh, at least leave a quid for the upkeep!

The party planners are at it again. This time their attention falls to the five permanent and one occasional member of Mystery Inc.

Man 1

Oh, well if we're having Freddie, we've got to invite Daphne and Velma as well.

Man 2

Oh yeah, those three are absolutely priceless, especially when Velma does her "losing her glasses" routine.

Man 1

Yeah, that kills me. Why doesn't she get contacts?

Man 2

Oh, I think it's a lesbian thing.

Man 1

Mmm. Ooh, I've just had a thought.

Man 2

What?

Man 1

Well, if we invite Freddie, Daphne and Velma, there's a chance they'll bring that other one.

Man 2

Oh, God, the scrawny one, the one that doesn't wash, what's his name?

Man 1

Well, we don't know, I mean, he calls himself Shaggy but I certainly don't believe that's his name. I think it's some kind of hollow sexual boast.

Man 2

I think it definitely is. He's desperately trying to present himself as some sort of stud, despite being quite ugly and incredibly cowardly. The last time I saw him, he was literally shaking and he spent most of the evening scampering up and down a very long corridor that happened to be there.

Man 1

Well, that's certainly no way to make people have sex with you, but maybe we're being harsh on him. I mean, he's so thin and he's always shaking. He's probably in the throws of some gritty smack battle. Let's ask him along.

Man 2

Yeah, I mean, how much harm can he do? Although...

Man 1

What?

Man 2

Well, there's a chance, just a small one, that he might bring his dog.

Man 1

Oh, not his bloody dog. He won't bring his dog. People don't bring their dogs to parties.

Man 2

Shaggy does. If anyone is gonna bring a dog to anything, he is gonna bring his dog to this.

Man 1

He treats that dog like it's a person, it's creepy. Do you know, I think that dog must have been mistreated in the past. It's incredibly nervous. You remember that Hallowe'en party that Shaggy was at? Everytime a new person came in dressed as a ghost or whatever, the dog would have an absolute fit, make the most unnatural noises and jump into Shaggy's arms. I was convinced it was gonna sh*t everywhere.

Man 2

Yep, well, I tell you, that's not the worst of it. Remember at Jodie's do, you remember Jodie, her dad owns that disused fairground. Well, I was... I was just popping to the kitchen for some more ice and who should I find but Shaggy and his dog assembling the two tallest sandwiches I have ever seen.

Man 1

I know. They made one the last time they were here but they had a freak out before they could eat it.

Man 2

I think it's cruel to make a dog eat that.

Man 1

I tell you what, I think Shaggy must be very bitter. Because he's obviously invested a lot of time in teaching that dog to talk and it just can't. I mean, maybe he thought he was gonna get on "That's Life" or something but it's just not happened.

Man 2

Yes, which is a pity really because of course the dog's nephew, also a dog, a little puppy, actually talks very well.

Man 1

Oh, that's... that's right, I've met that little dog and it actually speaks very good English. It's also quite a lot braver, if a little impetuous.

Man 2

It is a bit impetuous, yes, but I think you've got to forgive that of a talking dog.

Man 1

Yes, I think you do, I think you do.

Nothing is as excruciatingly embarrassing for the cast and crew of a production than filming a love scene. Especially when the male lead has a very peculiar (and, apparently, contagious) sexual tic...

Director

Okay, guys, uh, this sort of scene can be a bit embarrassing, so just... just try and be as relaxed as possible.

John

Right.

Carrie

Okay, yeah, sure. Yeah.

1st A.D.

Turn over.

PSM

Sound speed.

2nd A.C.

Scene 28, take 1.

1st A.C.

Marker.

1st A.D.

And... ACTION!

[Cheesy incidental music plays as the performers feign making love under the covers]

John

Oh, now we know. Now we know. Now we know...

Carrie

Erm...

Director

Er, cut! Er, John?

John

Yeah?

Director

Uh, John... you were talking.

John

Was I?

Director

Yeah, you... you said, "Now we know."

John

"Now we know"?

Director

Yeah.

John

Did I?

Carrie

Yeah, you did a bit.

John

Oh, my God, how weird. Sorry.

Director

Not to worry. Let's go again, straight away.

1st A.D.

Okay, turn over, please.

PSM

Sound speed.

1st A.D.

And... action!

John

Oh... Now we know. Now we know. Yeah, now we know. NOW -

Director

Cut!

John

Oh, sorry. Sorry. I know what that was. I was in her light, wasn't I?

Director

Er, er, a bit... N-no. More it's... sort of the same thing again, really.

John

What?

Director

The saying, "Now we know."

John

What, again? Did I Carrie?

Carrie

Yeah, you did, you keep saying, "Now we know."

John

God, that is so... I had no idea. Why would I do that?

Director

We don't know.

John

Oh, well, I'll cut that right out.

Director

Okay, we'll, uh, let's try again and this time keep an eye on the...

John

"Now we know." Yeah.

1st A.D.

Turn over.

PSM

Sound speed.

2nd A.C.

Marker.

1st A.D.

Action!

John

Oh, now we know. Now we know.

[CARRIE starts saying it, too]

Carrie / John

Now we know. Now we know. Now we know...

Director

Cut!

Carrie / John

Now we know. Now we know...

Director

CUT!

Carrie / John

Now we know. Now we know...

Director

CUUTTT! You're both doing it now.

John

Oh, you're kidding. Are you doing it, now?

Carrie

Apparently.

Director

Right, look. Let... let's go again, but this time we won't take sound. We'll get the pictures, I'll can talk you through it and we can put the sound on afterwards.

John

Okay. Sorry.

1st A.D.

New board, please. Turn over. And... action!

[JOHN and CARRIE begin feigning love making in excruciating silence, save for the squeak of the mattress springs]

Director

That's great, John. Yeah, lots... lots of passion. Yeah, that's... that's good, Carrie. Mind the shadow there. Maybe roll round a bit. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Now we know. Now we know. Oh, yeah, we know now. Now we know.

Having to look at other peoples' holiday photographs is excruciating, right? Making those polite, interested noises. But it's worse if the photos are "candid" in the wrong way.

David

Greece, was it?

Robert

Yeah, Rhodes. Spectacular.

David

Good.

Robert

And this is me and Jen in front of the Temple of Zeus.

David

Right, sunny.

Robert

Yeah, it was brilliant. And this is us back in our hotel room. Ooh, that one's a bit saucy, actually. Sorry, thought I'd deleted that. Moving swiftly on... And that one is actually even more, er...

David

Oh, my God!

Robert

Yeah, er... and this is us on our deserted beach. Ooh, dear oh dear. At least she waxed.

David

Please... no...

Robert

And this is us on the ferry going over to... ooh, that is actually very fruity...

David

Please, can we stop?

Robert

Oh, sorry, sorry. The rest are all... look, this is us in our villa.

David

Bloody hell!

Robert

Oh, you spotted that. Yeah, we were just having a quick, uh... and this is us by the pool.

[DAVID shrieks]

Robert

Whereas that one is actually very naughty.

David

Look, I'm just...

Robert

Stay where you are! And this is us in a little taverna that we found. Not quite "Listen With Mother". We kept that pepper grinder.

David

Please, can we stop?!

Robert

NO! You've got to face it. Face it, David. Look at it. It's for your own good. I'm trying to help you.

David

All right, all right, leave me alone. I'll read the porn mag.

Robert

Cover to cover?

David

Yes.

Robert

There'll be a test.

1944. The Führer is dead. His successor is receiving a briefing. And that briefing consists of the advice to unequivocally surrender.

New Führer

Right, where was I? Oh, yes, ideas. When can we have a policy meeting?

Commander

We've taken the liberty of drawing up a list of priorities.

New Führer

Oh, yeah?

Commander

Yeah. So, here's General Eisenhower's telephone number, here's the English for "we give up" and here's an analysis of our military situation... in one rude word.

It's not just waiters and vicars who have become aristocratic and condescending. No. It's shop assistants in clothes stores now, too!

Man

You know what's happened over the last fifteen or so years is that shopping has become a kind of leisure pursuit that people can actually enjoy, you know?

Wife

Yeah, you're right. People have got a lot more money and everything's just a hell of a lot more relaxed.

Assistant

Can I help you, sir?

Man

Yeah, cheers. Um, I'm just vaguely looking at suits right now, uh... something cazh but also kind of cool and dark so you can wear it in the evening.

Assistant

A business suit that is simultaneously a dinner suit and a tail coat and a pair of pyjamas.

Man

Yeah, around the kind of £100, £150 mark.

Assistant

Which is fashioned from sack cloth and string?

Man

I'm sorry?

Assistant

Do you wish to look smart or are you merely looking for a newer version of what you're wearing at the moment?

Man

Oh, well, if you've got something like this, then -

Assistant

You mean something ltalian and ill-fitting and so shiny I can see my face in it, in stark contrast to your shoes?

Man

Er... yeah.

Assistant

We do not.

Man

Sorry, what happened to the friendly Australian girl that used to work here?

Assistant

She's gone, sir. They've all gone. They've all been driven out and the burning remains of their tawdry rags cast after them and we're back.

Man

Who?

Assistant

The incredibly intimidating and aristocratic people who still unaccountably sell clothes. And I'm afraid we don't like being talked to by people with their hands in their pockets.

Man

I beg your pardon?

Assistant

I'll overlook it just this once.

Man

Listen -

Assistant

I've seen you in here before. I've seen you slouching around the place in your slip-on shoes and your motorcycle jacket, looking like a mechanic who's won the pools. I've seen you with your tin earring and your black-marketeer swagger. We've all seen you and we all thought you were a turd. Now, do you wish to be smart or do you wish to leave this place as you entered it, looking like a slack-jawed spiv?

Man

Why are you treating me like this?

Assistant

Because I'm trying to help you. I'm trying to help you to have standards. I'm trying to make you know that the world isn't pleased to see you. You aren't needed or included or loved. You're ugly and superfluous and ignorant and you should be frightened and meek and grateful.

Man

Right.

Assistant

That's better. Now first things first, let's get you a hat.