12 MP3 Audio clips from Season 4 of Cuckoo (2012)

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Ken has been nominated for Lichfield Lawyer of the Year. Quite prestigious. But does his first-born son care? No. Apparently not.

Dylan

Okay, Mum. Move your arse!

Lorna

Dylan? Your father has been nominated for an award!

Dylan

Oh, congratulations! Loser of the year. It's great you're finally getting recognised.

Ken

Uh... you work in phone sales. Your monthly wage couldn't buy a Mars bar and you're getting a lift to work with your mother.

Rachel

Yeah, money's tight but he's not scrimping on hair gel, is he?

Dylan

Well, I can't help being a baller, Rach. God gave me balls and I ball with them.

Ken

Do you think your balls might give me some rent some time?

Dylan

Uhhhh, do you think you might suck my balls?

Lorna

DYLAN!

Ken

You should have let me hit him when he was smaller.

Ken has returned home from work, gone straight to the bedroom and slammed the door behind him. Something is clearly wrong.

Lorna

Ken?

Ken

Jane's been nominated for the award, too.

Lorna

Oh.

Ken

Yeah. Once again, the universe takes a big sh*t on my face.

It's the Lichfield Lawyer of the Year award ceremony and Noel, it seems, would like to propose a toast to the nominees. Well, one of the nominees, anyway.

Noel

Ahem.

[He taps a champagne flute to gain everyone's attention]

A toast. To our nominees. Jane. You've been an inspiration these last few months. Your leadership has helped us see that a... a better world is within reach of us all. To Jane!

[The attendees echo him]

Jane

Thank you.

Noel

And also to Ken.

[He sits down]

Ken

Well thank you, Noel. Now Jane can enjoy the rest of the ceremony with a perfectly clean rectum!

An acceptance speech should be about graciously accepting an award and thanking people for making it possible. But no. Ken is using the opportunity say how he really feels.

Ken

Some months ago, I went on Paternity Leave. I happen to be... a proud feminist.

[There's a polite, unenthusiastic ripple of applause]

Yes. Why not? Thank you. And... while I was looking after my child and my wife was working, who should be politicking behind my back but Jane the Snake! Yes, Jane. You have betrayed the sisterhood. You... shower of sh*thouses!

Dale has gone into business with Steve. I wouldn't go into a shop with Steve, let alone start a business with him. He's a lunatic.

Dale

You have to know how to mix a cocktail when you're co-owner of a cocktail bar.

Rachel

Yeah, can we talk about the bar?

Dale

Yes. And I know exactly what you're going to say. And I agree. Opening this bar with Steve was a great idea.

Rachel

Not what I was gonna say.

Dale

Oh.

Rachel

Dale... it's a terrible idea. It's the worst idea anyone in this house has ever had... and I'm including Dylan.

Dylan

Uh, excuse me... what terrible ideas have I ever had?

Rachel

Uh... hello?! Handjob at a funeral?

Dylan

Fair enough.

Ken is horrified to see his son dressed as a little girl. And his first-born son might know the term "political correctness" but he doesn't have a clue what it actually means.

Ken

Uh... Lorna? Any reason why our son is dressed as a girl?

Lorna

It's what he wanted to wear.

Ken

Yeah, I know but... come on. Look at him!

Lorna

Ken, you are such a dinosaur. Childrens' clothes, their toys, they're all gender-neutral now.

Ken

I know and that's broadly great but I mean... come on! Dylan, you're with me on this, right?

Dylan

Actually, Dad society's moved on since the dark ages. This thing called political correctness happened. You might wanna look it up, you big, fat bender.

Telling a child they're naughty or putting them on a naughty step is NOT a form of child abuse. Not that some hippy, Tofu-munching tree huggers feel the same way. Sorry. Modern parents.

Ken

Sorry I'm late. Hope you're not going to put me on the naughty step.

Frances

We prefer not to use negative labels here. We prefer to use positive reinforcement.

Ken

Oh. My bad.

Frances

Please don't use the "B-Word."

[FRANCES goes back inside leaving KEN alone with LORNA]

Ken

I bet she's fun at parties.

Lorna has been obsessed with getting Sid into a particular nursery where they bake bread and speak French. Sounds like my idea of hell.

Lorna

Maybe it doesn't matter about what nursery you go to. I mean, Dylan didn't go to a good nursery and he turned out fine.

[To DYLAN]

How was your day, love?

Dylan

Um... amazing?! I never realised they still have to pay you when you're using the toilet. It's like... every time I'm sat on that toilet, they're actually paying me to do it. I mean, I need to go for one now but there is no chance I'm wasting a dump at home when someone will literally pay me to sh*t!

You remember Zoe, right? Dylan's girlfriend? Well, now Dylan is having sex with her Mum. Yeah. That happened. Connie. She's as mad as Steve and can't get enough of young Dylan. Poor Dylan!

Lorna

Let me teach you how to properly dump a woman. First of all, be honest with her.

[CONNIE shrieks from the living room and DYLAN and LORNA peek around a corner to find her dancing to Cypress Hill]

Dylan

What, so you mean tell her that's she's absolutely fu*king mental?

Lorna

No! Not that!

It's hard when your children grow up, gain their independence and can hold their own in an argument. Right, Ken?

Dylan

All right, Mum... you ready?

Lorna

Yep!

Dylan

[Noticing that KEN is suited and booted and sat at the breakfast table]

Fu*king hell! Dressed by eleven? You must have raced through your morning dump.

Ken

You can be high and mighty with me, young man, when you're doing something more virtuous than flogging phones to morons.

Dylan

Ummm... I think you mean valuable customers, Dad.

Ken

No. If they're buying a phone off you, they're a moron.

Dylan

Well, at least I'm bringing home the bacon. Tell you what...

[DYLAN pulls a £20 note out of his pocket and slaps it into KEN'S chest]

... treat yourself to something nice.

Lorna

Bye, love.

Ken

Oh he thinks he's won. You think you've WON! Well, you haven't. I've got your twenty pounds and I will buy myself something nice! Pr**k!

Ken is always so... so... right when it comes to his "glass-half-empty" outlook on life. Perhaps that's why he became a lawyer.

Lorna

I'm starting to worry about Dylan.

Ken

Yeah? What was the turning point? When he shat in his girlfriend's bath or two years later when he shagged her mum?

Lorna

Good point.

When Jane, the Senior Partner of Ken's law firm demands that he get gown on his knees and beg for his job back, Lorna has something to say to the ... dog's d*ck. Sorry. Not my words. Blame Dylan.

Lorna

No. No, no, no. You are not begging to this... help me, Dylan. You're good at horrible insults.

Dylan

B**ch?

Lorna

Yeah. This B**CH!

Ken

No, I'm so sorry about my wife... she appears to be hammered.

Lorna

No, Ken. I've had enough of this...

Dylan

Dog's d*ck?

Lorna

Dog's d*ck treating you like you're not good enough. Now you listen to me. My husband's a -

Dylan

Ten foot bell-end?

Lorna

No. My husband's a great man. And he doesn't need you, Jane. And he doesn't need your bloody, twatty little firm. He needs -

Dylan

Statins?

Lorna

He needs... to chase his dreams!