11 MP3 Audio clips from Season 3 of Man Down (2013)

PLAY ALL 69 CLIPS IN THE RANDOMISER™

Dan is trying to obtain the key to the Headteacher's office in order to destroy some incriminating evidence. It's not going quite as he planned.

Dan

I JUST BROUGHT YOU A PRESENT!

Mr. Klackov

Are you, uh... fizzy in pants... for men?

Dan

Oh! No.

Ally is Dan's replacement. She's the new Head of Drama. Not that Dan realises that. He thinks she's just a supply teacher. Which is why he's so brutally honest about his students.

Dan

Oh, you're here. Hello. Dan.

Ally

Ally.

Dan

Hi, Ally. Okay, listen up. You're not going to get this from any other supply job you ever do. That kid over there is mad. And I don't mean he's a character. He's fu*king mental. That one there, stinks like the back of a watch. This girl through there? She is horrible. Horrible.

Dan has gone to the local paper in the hope that they'll be interested in his emigration story. But they're more interested in his grossly swollen knee (the result of Nesta hitting him with his car).

[The EDITOR of the paper rips DAN'S trouser leg apart to reveal a hideously swollen patella]

Editor

OH! THERE YOU GO! Yep, yep, yep yep yep, yep.

Dan

Fu*k... why did you cut it so high?! You've made me look like Rosemary Ford!

Editor

Oh my life... it'll write itself, this headline. Knee Willie Winkie. Knee bother. No. I've got it. Knee-high to a grasshopper. I'll superimpose a grasshopper on it.

[He picks up the phone on his desk]

Editor

LEE! YOU SNAGGLE-TOOTHED PUBESCENT... GET YOUR CAMERA HERE NOW! MASSIVE KNEE IN THE OFFICE!

I won't bore you with the reasons but Dan and Nesta are baiting the police into chasing them. In typical Dan style.

Dan

[Leaning out of the car]

Hello, gents!

Policeman

Christ! What you done to your knee? You can't be hanging out of the window. [Unintelligable]

Dan

That's not even the half of it. This old lady hasn't even got a driving licence.

Nesta

He's right. I failed my test. But I've got to get around so, fu*k it, eh boys?!

Dan

KISS MY FAT KNEE YOU BISCUIT-GOBBLING SH*TS! HIT IT!

[NESTA and DAN speed way, causing the police officers to give chase]

I absolutely HATE it when people use children as pawns in an argument. They are NOT there to get involved in petty adult differences. And they're NOT messengers to be used to pass ridiculous messages.

Daisy

Dad says you have to fill your own visa application out to teach you a lesson.

Dan

Well... you tell your dad from me that I don't need his help and that his moustache makes him look like a gay man from the nineteen-seventies.

[DAISY returns to the table where her father is sitting to relay DAN'S message]

Daisy

He said -

Brian

I heard, Daisy.

Dan

How long is this going to go on? This childishness?

Brian

Please remind Uncle Dan that last week, emergency services had to be called out to cut me from a child's swing because of him. Luckily, the firemen were medically trained so were able to treat my monkey bites at the same time. The one degree of separation rule is there for reason.

Daisy

Can you say it all again?

Brian

Just sit down, Daisy.

Jo is always there to offer advice. Sometimes that advice is valuable and insightful. Actually, no. No, it's not. It's always ridiculous.

Jo

You boys need to make up. My aunt didn't speak to my Uncle Ted for seven years. He was too stubborn to ask her what was wrong. Turns out she was dead. Had been all along. Stank! Right, I'll see you later.

Dan

You'll miss me when I go to America won't you, Shakira?

Shakira

This is my normal face. This is the face I'll have if I find out your plane's crashed. It's the same face.

Dan

Yeah, yeah.

Dan has to share his flat with Nesta because his Mum's creepy new boyfriend has moved in and they want some privacy. To make love like old people in every room of the house, presumably.

Dan

Why do I have to share my flat with my auntie? Am I Charlie Bucket?

Polly

Nesta and Daddy had a chat and they thought it would be nice for us to have a little privacy.

Dan

He's moving in? Already?

Polly

I thought you'd be pleased for me.

Dan

Oh, I'm delighted my mum's shacking up with a fun-size Peter Sutcliffe.

Polly

You'll only have to share with Nesta for a few weeks before you've gone to America.

Dan

I like Nesta but she snores like a goblin farting down a well.

Daedalus

Ohhhh, I don't want to speak out of turn but wasn't the flat originally left to Nesta?

Dan

It's none of your business, you sinister little sh*t.

Polly

DANIEL!

Daedalus

Oh, Polly... I know why he's so upset. He thinks I want to step into his dad's shoes.

Dan

Those ARE my dad's shoes!

Polly

I gave them him, Daniel. He was weeding my borders.

Dan

He's trying to get rid of me, before I go to America. You can't see it because you're too busy dragging your ass across a carpet in front of him like a baffled Labrador. It's disgusting!

Nesta

Ah! Now, Daniel... I propose we do top and tail. I sometimes forget that Bertie is dead and I can get quite... hands on.

What's worse than finding out you're adopted? Finding out that your parents tried to have you adopted but the recipients gave you back. That is infinitely worse, surely?

Polly

Oh, your dad would be so upset to hear you say that. He had more than enough sperm. Too much, in many ways.

Nesta

You've got the wrong end of the stick, as usual. You are not adopted.

Dan

What?!

Nesta

Tell him, Polly.

Polly

We tried to have you adopted.

Dan

You... tried?!

Polly

Yes. Your dad and I were very young. And we found a couple but... they...

Nesta

They gave you back.

Shakira

Could I say something? I think... that is the funniest fu*king thing I have ever heard.

[Everybody except DAN laugh hysterically]

Dan is leaving. It's his last day at the school. And as he's about to get into his car, Dennis and Robin come running across the car park.

Dennis

SIR! SIR!

Dan

Hey, boys... you'd better go back in. The head's going to pop his big vein.

Dennis

I just wanted to give you this.

[DENNIS hands DAN a card]

Dan

No way!

[Opening the card and reading from it]

Dear Sir. Having Miss Clarke has made us realise that you are a sh*t teacher. But you was a fairly good laugh and you didn't make us do no work.

[To DENNIS and ROBIN]

Thank you.

Robin

I honestly don't know who you are.

Dan

I know, Robin.

You have to wonder why Dan became a teacher when he has such a deep-seated, pathological hatred for children. And, to be honest, Ally Clarke isn't far behind him.

Dan

Well, congratulations. You may be the only school representative.

Ally

I've got a Hawaiian dress. My son says he'll leave home if I ever wear it so... this might be my chance to get rid of the fu*king parasite.

Dan

God, they are scum, aren't they?

It's meant to be Dan's leaving party. But, as he's about to explain, the guest list has become somewhat... abbreviated.

Dan

Ninety percent of my guests are in the back of a lorry on their way to France. Nesta has gone AWOL and my own mum can't attend because she's gone on a mini-break with a c*nt. So far, so good!