12 MP3 Audio clips from Season 8 of Mr. D (2012)

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Following his exposé on national television, Gerry Duncan has been fired by Robert Cheeley. But the Board don't want that. They want to play the plausible deniability card. Whoops!

Mr. Blue

You've got to get Duncan back here right away. So we can make a big show of support for him. If you don't, we go to Plan B.

Robert Cheeley

What's Plan B?

Mr. Blue

Say it's your fault and fire you.

Robert has a choice. Go to Tokyo and find Gerry Ducan and convince him to come back to work, or get fired. So he does what any one of us would do. Goodbye Canada, hello Japan!

Robert Cheeley

If you don't come back, I'll lose my job.

Gerry Duncan

Konnichiwa, Robert.

[GERRY slams the door in ROBERT'S face]

Robert Cheeley

That means "hello."

Gerry is addressing a group who work with children. You'd think that nothing could shock them. But you'd be wrong. This news is going to make them sh*t their pants.

Robert Cheeley

Folks, I have an announcement to make. And I'll be honest, it's a bit of a weirdy.

Trudy Walsh

Are you dying?

Robert Cheeley

Inside? Yeah, actually. Gerry Duncan is our new principal.

Trudy Walsh

Shut the fu*k up!

Amanda-Susan has an old head on young shoulders. How does she come up with this stuff?! No matter what Gerry does, she's always gonna make him look and feel really, really small!

Amanda-Susan

Whoa! Nice suit, Sir.

Gerry Duncan

Oh, thanks I just grabbed this...

Amanda-Susan

Heading to the disco later?

Gerry Duncan

What?

Amanda-Susan

Anyways, thanks for the long weekend, sir.

Gerry Duncan

Glad everyone's enjoying my ways.

Amanda-Susan

Hey! You're the "D" in education.

Gerry Duncan

I'm the "D"... yes I am the "D" in education. Principal D.

Amanda-Susan

Still stupid.

Gerry Duncan

I'm the "D" in education.

John needs to go to the bathroom. A normal request for a child. But, sadly for Gerry, John doesn't know how to wipe his own bottom. Which means Gerry's gonna have to get his hands dirty!

John

I need to go to the bathroom.

Gerry Duncan

Then go.

John

I need you to come with me.

Gerry Duncan

Why?

John

To wipe my bum.

Gerry Duncan

Can someone volunteer to take John to the bathroom, please?

[Every child in the class raises their hand]

John

To wipe my bum!

[Every child in the class puts their hand down again]

John

I guess it's you, big boy.

Gerry Duncan

Let's go. I need some gloves first. Oh great.

When Connie & Faith are called to Gerry's office for having written the words fu*ker and c*ck on their schoolbooks, he thinks it's a cut and dry case. But he's wrong. SO wrong!

Gerry Duncan

Do you know why you were sent here?

Connie / Faith

Nope.

Gerry Duncan

Can you tell me why you put these words on your notebooks?

Connie

Do we have to?

Gerry Duncan

Yes you have to, Connie.

Connie

They're our couple names.

Gerry Duncan

Your what?

Faith

Our couple names. I like Tucker and if I marry Tucker our name becomes "Fu*ker." Faith and Tucker makes "Fu*ker."

Connie

And if I marry Brock, we become -

Gerry Duncan

I get it, Connie. I just read it fifty times. Why doesn't Faith and Tucker become Taith? That's a nice word.

Faith

That sounds stupid. And, why does his name get to go first?

Gerry Duncan

What?

Connie

Are you saying that boys are better than us?

Gerry Duncan

No, I'm not saying that.

Faith

Then how come they get everything? King's Court? Why not Queen's Court?

Connie

King size bed? Bigger and better.

Faith

Even in chess, the queen protects the precious king.

Gerry Duncan

Okay, this is not...

Connie

We're sick of it. I like Brock and his name's going after mine.

Gerry Duncan

What if you liked someone else?

Faith

You can't tell us who to like. It's "Fu*ker" and "C*ck." Deal with it.

Gerry Duncan

How about no doodling?

Connie

We're eight year old girls. We're gonna doodle.

Faith

And you better not tell Tucker and Brock that we like them.

Amanda-Susan's home-made blue slime is a sure-fire winner. Everyone at Xavier Academy is buying it. So when Gerry decides to get in on the action and makes an inferior product...

Amanda-Susan

So, let me guess. You thought slime was easy to make? And it wasn't, so now you need my help. Your crap's not selling.

Gerry Duncan

Yeah, who told you?

Amanda-Susan

I can see the pathetic look in your eyes. My stuff's the best, that's why I make bank.

Gerry Duncan

Fine.

Amanda-Susan

Sixty-forty split.

Gerry Duncan

Sixty-forty split?! That's a crap deal and you know it.

Amanda-Susan

Seventy-thirty.

Gerry Duncan

You can't go up so fast, I didn't get a chance to think about the first one.

Amanda-Susan

You better hurry up because in about five seconds it's going to eighty-twenty.

Gerry Duncan

Oh my gosh! Fine. Let's go, grab your stuff. I need you right now.

John. He must be related to Amanda-Susan, Faith, Connie... in fact he doesn't necessarily have to be related because Gerry Duncan is constantly getting owned by the children supposedly in his care.

Gerry Duncan

John, sometimes boys can be mean. And those boys were just being stupid. So don't worry about it. And go back to class.

John

You said a bad word.

Gerry Duncan

Stupid?

John

I'm telling Ms. Walsh.

Gerry Duncan

Oh! Hear that?

Trudy Walsh

What's that?

Gerry Duncan

I said a bad word. And John is going to tell on me.

Trudy Walsh

Oh, I see and what word did he say, dear?

John

He said "a**hole."

Trudy Walsh

Gerry! Are you kidding me?

Gerry Duncan

I never said that!

John

Why would I lie?

Trudy Walsh

Why would he lie?

Gerry Duncan

I don't know why you would lie.

Trudy Walsh

I'm so sorry that he said that to you. But, you know, sometimes Mr. Duncan can be a bit of a... what's that word again, dear?

John

A**hole.

Trudy Walsh

Yeah, that's the one.

Gerry Duncan

[Leans close in to JOHN and whispers in his ear]

I don't appreciate this.

John

I'm not a douchebag!

Trudy Walsh

Gerry!

Gerry Duncan

I never said that. I never said that!

Trudy Walsh

He is five-years-old! What's the matter with you?

Gerry Duncan

You think I would call him a douchebag?

Trudy Walsh

Get out of my office. Man, what an a**hole.

Gerry has been duped by an adult film company into using the school for its latest movie. He's blissfully unaware and is about to showcase this "Hollywood" blockbuster in he canteen.

Gerry Duncan

Yeah, I didn't get the title either. Pccchhhooo! Whooo!

Robert Cheeley

DTF?

Gerry Duncan

Great company, nice people.

Robert Cheeley

OMG!

Gerry Duncan

Good guy! Donald, he's a good guy.

Trudy Walsh

LOL.

Gerry Duncan

Twinky, I don't think it's her real name because she's an act -

[ROBERT CHEELEY turns the video off just in the nick of time]

Schoolchildren

Ohhh!

Trudy has already been called to see Robert Cheeley for being too nasty. Now, apparently, she's being too nice and creeping people out. So which version of Trudy does he want? Nasty or nice?

Robert Cheeley

You're probably wondering why I wanted to see you again.

Trudy Walsh

I would never question your leadership, Co-Vice Principal Cheeley.

Robert Cheeley

Okay, but this is just it Trudy. We've gotten more negative comments, okay?

Trudy Walsh

And here I've been nothing but nice.

Robert Cheeley

But, that's the problem. You're being too nice. It's... it's creeping people out.

Trudy Walsh

Well, I only have two speeds Robert. I have the old Trudy and extra nice Trudy. So what's it gonna be? The choice is yours.

Robert Cheeley

Oh, I see what you're doing.

Trudy Walsh

Jesus, I hope so, because I'm being pretty transparent here.

Robert Cheeley

You played me sister. Fine, you win. Just go back to your old self.

Trudy Walsh

Thank cripes! I was starting to have palpitations. By the way, you're future mother in law... big yapper on her, good luck with that. Those pants? I don't want to say this. I'm saying this with love, Robert, but, they make you look like you have three testicles. And also, when you smile, you look like a nutcracker. Have a nice day.

Robert Cheeley

I've kinda missed ya!

Trudy Walsh

Dumbass!

Hmm. Why was Trudy's high school nickname, "knee-pad"? It's a little strange. I mean what could she have been doing... oh. Oh, right. Yeah. I get it now. Yep.

Nisha

I'm just so sick of waiting for Simon to propose. Honestly, last Valentines I got him a single knee pad. And I said: "Hint, hint." And I went like this...

[Begins winking frantically]

What did he do? Zip.

Trudy Walsh

Knee pad. That was my nickname in high school.

Nisha. She wears her heart on her sleeve. She hates goodbyes, even if it's just for the summer. But she has a solution. A little self-flagellation with an elastic band. And no, that's not a euphemism.

Robert Cheeley

There she is.

Nisha

Oh, hey you guys.

Robert Cheeley

We just wanted to check in with you. See how you're doing with the end of the year close by.

Trudy Walsh

You're usually a blubbering mess this time of year.

Nisha

Can you blame me? We fall in love with these lovely children for a whole year. And then they're just gone for months. It's sad.

Trudy Walsh

Not a common complaint amongst teachers.

Nisha

Anyway, the good news is, I found a way to cope. So, what I'm doing is turning my emotional pain into tiny physical pain. With this elastic band! When I start to feel the sadness creeping in I just give it a little... Ugh! Snap! Snaps me right out of it and then I start feeling good.

Robert Cheeley

Classic cognitive behavioural therapy. Nice!

Nisha

I guess. It totally works!

Trudy Walsh

Why don't you just try, caring less? Like the rest of us.