23 MP3 Audio clips from Season 7 of Mr. D (2012)

PLAY ALL 134 CLIPS IN THE RANDOMISER™

"Spit that thing out." Holy sh*tsticks, Gerry! I know you're no great fan of Bobbi Galka but that's her baby you're talking about. Have some respect, man!

Gerry Duncan

Hey!

Bobbi Galka

What's going on here, Gerry?

Gerry Duncan

Ummm... nice of you to show up to congratulate me. Especially, looking like that.

Bobbi Galka

Excuse me?

Gerry Duncan

Would have been nice if ya cleaned up before I... moved in here.

Bobbi Galka

Just get out of my office.

Gerry Duncan

No, no. This is my office now.

Bobbi Galka

I'm the head of Phys. Ed.

Gerry Duncan

No.

Bobbi Galka

You become head of Phys. Ed. when I go on maternity leave.

Gerry Duncan

So, just so I understand, you're still head of Phys Ed? Right now?

Gerry Duncan

Yes, you got it.

Gerry Duncan

'kay, then what does that make me?

Bobbi Galka

Incompetent.

Gerry Duncan

But, I'm still teaching Phys. Ed., right?

Bobbi Galka

Yeah, that's what the contract says.

Gerry Duncan

Yeah, this is... the greatest day of my life. That's what this is. And that's the bell.

Bobbi Galka

Just go.

Gerry Duncan

And I'm going to go to class, so you just put your stuff back. 'Cause I forget where it goes, and we'll be good. And hurry up and spit that thing out.

Well, it's reassuring to know that Phys. Ed. is the one subject where teachers can still discriminate against the weaker kids. That's a comfort for any parent, I can tell you.

Bobbi Galka

Gerry, Phys Ed's not just about scrimmaging.

Gerry Duncan

Yes it is, how do you determine if they're good athletes or good in Phys. Ed.?

Bobbi Galka

I use a Five Mark system: Punctuality, discipline, effort, accountability and uniform, it's easy.

Gerry Duncan

So, let me get this straight, if a kid comes in here and he's droppin' three pointers but he's got black socks and he's a little late...

Bobbi Galka

Then they're not going to get great marks.

Gerry Duncan

That's just stupid.

Bobbi Galka

Well, you're stupid!

Gerry Duncan

No, I'm not.

Bobbi Galka

Parent's need an even playing field so that there's no discrimination against their kids' weaknesses.

Gerry Duncan

Phys. Ed. is the one class where we still can discriminate against their weaknesses.

Bobbi Galka

What?!

This is a little exercise Mr. D likes to call, "Crucifixion Arm Strength." Nothing wrong with that, surely? No. Nothing wrong right with that, at all.

Gerry Duncan

This is a little exercise I like to call crucifixion arm strength.

Kyle

Why would you call it crucifixion?

Gerry Duncan

'Cause you have to hold your arms up like Jesus did, obviously.

Kyle

But Jesus didn't hold his arms up, they were nailed.

Lucas

Yeah, that's a good point.

Gerry Duncan

That's not a good point. How is that a good point? What are you trying to say? You have stronger arm strength than Jesus? 'Cause ya don't.

Lucas

Technically we don't know how strong his arms were, you know 'cause of... 'cause of the nails.

Gerry Duncan

Would you stop talking? It's not what this is about.

Kyle

My arms are burning!

Gerry Duncan

Okay, yeah, okay! That's 'cause you're weak, Judas. Strength. Jesus strength.

Lucas

Still doesn't make sense.

Oh, God. Can you imagine how embarrassing this would be? Asking a women how far along she is, only to discover that she's not pregnant? How do you recover from that? And I mean... EVER?!

Dave Bechara

So, are you...

Bobbi Galka

Pregnant? Yes, I am.

Dave Bechara

Great. I once asked a girl that in a bar and she was not.

Mr. Malik is now working at Barrels Steakhouse where Bill is impressed with his work ethic and can-do attitude. But he has to keep a lid on Mr. Malik's hatred for Mr. D., obviously.

Bill

Lovin' your hustle, bud. I never had anybody so good at cleaning up other people's garbage.

Mr. Malik

Thank you for compliment, Mr. Bill.

Bill

Well, usually Gerry's ideas are beyond terrible, But you... diamond in the rough.

Mr. Malik

Yes, very kind of Gerry to recommend. Especially after he royally fu -

Bill

Shhh!

The secret to being a great teacher is being able to hold the attention of an entire class of children, regardless of the subject you're teaching. Which isn't great news for Dave.

Dave Bechara

Anyone? Yes! Brandon, my man!

Brandon

Um, Mr. Bechara, is this allgonna be on the next test?

Dave Bechara

Yeah! Of course. Why wouldn't it be?

Brandon

Well, do you think you can repeat the whole second half? 'Cause I wasn't listening to, I don't think a word of anything that you just said. I zoned out.

Amanda-Susan is by far my favourite character in this show. Sassy, vicious, quick-witted... she's more than a match for Mr. D and, I'm sure, the subject of his every nightmare.

[AMANDA-SUSAN is coughing and sniffing in class]

Gerry Duncan

Would you like a tissue, Amanda-Susan?

Amanda-Susan

I'm good.

Gerry Duncan

Okay, why would you come to school sick? Now you're going to get the rest of us sick.

Amanda-Susan

Someone got me sick, so I'm paying it forward. Circle of life.

I once broke my wrist playing Badminton. I fell over backwards going for the shuttlec*ck and... crunch. Yeah. That was the last time I played it, actually. I moved on to Squash. Far safer!

Bill

Badminton test. You got a test for badminton?

Gerry Duncan

How many times do I have to explain how teaching works, Bill?

Bill

Many.

Gerry Duncan

Teaching has changed. You can't just watch a kid play badminton, now and give them a mark.

Bill

That's what I would do.

Gerry Duncan

Now ya gotta give them a test. They gotta know the dimensions of the court, the rules, the weight of the shuttle cock. A kid can suck at badminton and still ace badminton. Like right now, the kid with the top mark in my badminton unit cannot hit the shuttle cock over the net.

Bill

Please stop saying shuttle cock. It's called a birdie.

Gerry Duncan

Well, ah, question four.

Bill

The proper name for a badminton birdie is... A) Flying cock.

Gerry Duncan

Close, 'cause it -

Bill

Not that close. B) Air cock.

Gerry Duncan

Also close.

Bill

Still not close. C) Shuttle cock, or D) Subtle cock.

Gerry has taken Brandon out of another class to complete some paperwork he can't be assed to do himself. And what's worse... he's calling Brandon his F.A.G!

Brandon

What's up, sir?

Gerry Duncan

Oh, I need you to do some Formative Assessment stuff for my Grade 10 Phys. Ed. class.

Brandon

Um, I'm in a class right now.

Gerry Duncan

Yeah, it'll just take like twenty minutes. And you can head right back to class.

Brandon

I thought I was just doing it for my class.

Gerry Duncan

So did I. But you were so good with your fancy little comments, I need you to do all my classes now.

Brandon

You said paint a canvas.

Gerry Duncan

Yeah, I didn't say paint a Picasso. Because you did such a great job, I made you my official...

[GERRY points to a large blue sign reading, "F.A.G."]

Brandon

Excuse me?

Gerry Duncan

You're my F.A.G. You're my Formative Assessment Guy. I made you a little sign and everything.

Brandon

Um, I can't miss class every day.

Gerry Duncan

You won't be long. You'll come in quickly. And as you get better, you'll shave off minutes. Plus you hate Phys. Ed., so I'm gonna give you some bonus marks for being my F.A.G.

Brandon

Is it possible you could call me something else?

During an innocent deep-muscle massage to Robert Cheeley's calf muscles, Bill slipped and his thumb went right up the Principal's... chocolate channel which, in turn, prompted this apology.

Robert Cheeley

Ah, well if it isn't Tweedledee and Tweedlethumb!

Gerry Duncan

Bill, here, has something he'd like to say to you, Mr. Cheeley.

Robert Cheeley

Really?

Bill

I'm sorry.

Robert Cheeley

Sorry for what?

Bill

For... what happened.

Robert Cheeley

What happened again, Bill?

Bill

Slip... slipping.

Gerry Duncan

Spit it out. Slipping what? Your... louder please.

Bill

My thumb.

Gerry Duncan

Your thumb.

Robert Cheeley

Into where?

Bill

Your butthole.

Gerry Duncan

Yep.

Robert Cheeley

AKA?

Bill

Anus.

Robert Cheeley

Also known as?

Gerry Duncan

Rectum.

Bill

Pleasure centre.

Gerry Duncan

Put it all in a sentence now.

Bill

Sorry for jamming my thumb into your prostate garage.

Robert Cheeley

Whoomp, there it is.

Gerry Duncan

Yeah, was that so hard?

Robert Cheeley

Not anymore it's not.

Robert Cheeley

Apology accepted.

Word to the wise... when a woman is carrying a scolding-hot cup of liquid, it is NOT a good time to make some lame-ass joke about her weight. Not if you value your genitalia, that is.

Trudy

Hey everybody, coffee's ready. And it's hot and fresh, just like me.

Gerry Duncan

Hey, Trudy?

Trudy

Huh?

Gerry Duncan

You forgot full-bodied.

[TRUDY throws the boiling-hot contents of her mug all over GERRY'S groin]

Gerry Duncan

Ah, ah, ah.

Trudy

It's the only way he'll learn.

Gerry Duncan

Ah! Oh my God! Ah, ah, ah, ah, oh, oh, oh!

Sorry seems to be the hardest word? Really? Try stringing these five together and actually mean it. Emma must have needed counselling after this.

Emma Terdie

You know, I don't think that I've ever said these words, in this order... but I think that Gerry... might have a... point.

Gerry Duncan

Thank you Emma.

For those of you who are unsure, a "libation" is a drink, usually alcoholic, poured out as an offering to a deity. Someone mind telling Gerry this, before he makes an idiot... oh. Too late.

Coach Meyers

Well, well, look who's here. If it isn't the infamous Gerry Duncan. What's the matter, Gerry? You got a team to ruin tonight?

Gerry Duncan

What are you doing here, Coach Meyers?

Coach Meyers

What? I can't have a libation from time to time?

Gerry Duncan

They don't serve libation here.

Coach Meyers

What's that in your hand?

Gerry Duncan

It's a drink, idiot!

Coach Meyers

I like your spirit, Gerry!

Oh, Frank. Surely you realised Mrs. Harrison was using you to boost her son's grades? She used sex to pay for your services. You are the opposite of a prostitute, Frank. Jesus.

Frank

We meet again. I just wanted to say, I had a rapturously good time last night. I was thinking maybe we could grab a drink? A couple of gimlets to wet the whistle?

Mrs. Harrison

Let me be crystal clear, Frank. You are a disgusting pig. And the only reason I debased myself was for my son's future which... just goes to show that there is literally nothing that I wouldn't do for him. But now that the transcript's been sent in, you are never to approach me again, you jaundiced freak.

Alex has always had the hots for his stepmother. I know... pretty sick, right? And not sick as in "good". No. Sick as in the old definition. Fu*king gross.

Alex

Hey! There's the ex-mom I was just looking for. I overheard that, ah, my dad's dumping you. That means we're not going to be related anymore, if you're game... I'm down to clown.

Lisa Mason

Don't ever touch me again, okay? Excuse me.

Robert Cheeley

Who's a little perv? You are!

Still my favourite character, Amanda-Susan demonstrates again how she's able to out-wit her teacher, wrapping him around her little finger and then lifting the middle one in his direction.

Amanda-Susan

Nice of you to show up, sir.

Gerry Duncan

Actually, Amanda-Susan, I took my time on purpose 'cause I was hoping if I was late, you might not be here.

Amanda-Susan

Well, I'm here. Are we getting our tests back today?

Gerry Duncan

No, you're not.

Amanda-Susan

Shocker.

Gerry Duncan

You know what? I'm not in the mood for your whining today, Amanda-Susan. And marking takes time, everybody. Thank you.

Amanda-Susan

Yeah, you're right. You've only had two months. Thank goodness you don't have a wife and kids, or we'd never get them back.

Class

Ooooh!

Gerry Duncan

Okay. What does that even mean?

Amanda-Susan

It means, I don't understand what's taking you so long -

Gerry Duncan

Because, I have other things -

Amanda-Susan

- to get married and have kids.

Gerry Duncan

For your information, I have been married twice. And secondly, you now have a detention after school.

Amanda-Susan

For what? All I'm saying is I don't get it. Look at you. You're kind of good looking, you're in decent shape and you have a good job.

Gerry Duncan

All right. Then I apologise, I read that wrong. Thank you for the kind words.

Amanda-Susan

So, it must be your incompetence holding you back.

Gerry Duncan

You know what? Go to the office.

Amanda-Susan

Bye, handsome.

Gerry Duncan

Don't encourage her.

Bobbi Galka should have stopped this conversation way earlier on. She passed the point of no return when it was blatantly obvious what was about to happen.

[BETHANY has been asleep, face on her desk. BOBBI GALKA has just woken her up]

Bobbi Galka

Hey, Bethany. I can't help but notice there's a bit of a pattern developing here.

Bethany

Sorry, Ms. Galka. I promise it won't happen again.

Bobbi Galka

Okay.

[BETHANY falls asleep again]

Bethany!

Bethany

Sorry, I just haven't been getting much sleep at night.

Bobbi Galka

Aw, honey. What, are you having bad dreams or something?

Bethany

No, it's the noise coming from my parents' bedroom.

Bobbi Galka

Well, what kind of noise?

Bethany

It's like crying.

Bobbi Galka

Oh.

Bethany

But happy cries.

Bobbi Galka

Oh boy.

Bethany

It starts out quiet.

Bobbi Galka

Yeah. Oh dear.

Bethany

And then the banging begins. Thump! Thump! Louder and louder!

Bobbi Galka

Yeah.

Bethany

Non-stop. Like this.

[BETHANY starts slamming her fist into the opposing palm, rhythmically]

Bobbi Galka

Yep.

Bethany

And then at the end...

[BETHANY starts making a rhythmic high-pitched squeal]

Really fast!

Bobbi Galka

I got it, yeah. No, that's clear. Um, leave it with me and I'll see what I can do, okay?

Amanda-Susan has become Principal for the day. So now she is Principal Sullivan and that makes her... yeah. Gerry's boss. It's pay-back time for her and day of reckoning for him.

Amanda-Susan

And finally, I'm cancelling all meetings and practices after school today, so everyone can go home nice and early to their families.

Mr. Malik

Awww. Such a natural leader.

Gerry Duncan

[Walking into the STAFF ROOM and seeing AMANDA-SUSAN stood on a chair, addressing the faculty]

Oh boy.

Amanda-Susan

Nice of you to show up, Gerry.

Gerry Duncan

Someone was in my regular parking spot. And it's Mr. Duncan, thank you.

Amanda-Susan

More like Mr. Dun-can't get to work on time.

Mr. Malik

It's as though whatever Gerry says, she has clever quip ready to go.

Gerry Duncan

Shut up.

Amanda-Susan

Anyways, have a great day, everyone!

Robert Cheeley

Oh, well done.

Gerry Duncan

You can't let her talk like that to me.

Robert Cheeley

Actually, Gerry, I'm pretty sure she Dun-can.

Amanda-Susan

By the way, Gerry, I'd like to see your lesson plans on my desk by noon. And since you have no family to go home to, maybe you can also catch up on your marking after school today.

Gerry Duncan

Can we end this? This is silly. Can you set her straight, please?

Robert Cheeley

Like I said, Gerry, my hands are tied on this one. She's the boss.

Gerry Duncan

This is stupid.

Amanda-Susan

Robert?

Robert Cheeley

Principal Sullivan.

It's delicious watching Amanda-Susan exacting revenge on her nemesis so deftly, so succinctly, and so stylishly. She couldn't be any sassier if she were clicking her fingers and moving her head.

Gerry Duncan

Ah, excuse me Mr. Cheeley, I need to ask you something. So, if you'll excuse us.

Robert Cheeley

Actually, anything you have to say to me you can say in front of our Principal.

Gerry Duncan

Okay, fine. I need last period off today.

Amanda-Susan

Why?

Gerry Duncan

This is none of your business Amanda-Susan, so stay out of this, please.

Robert Cheeley

Actually, as principal today, it's as much her business as it is anyone's.

Gerry Duncan

I have to leave for personal reasons.

Amanda-Susan

How personal?

Gerry Duncan

It's a private matter. If I told you, it wouldn't be "personal." So, mind your own beeswax. Robert, can you step in?

Robert Cheeley

Principal Sullivan?

Gerry Duncan

Are you kidding me right now?

Amanda-Susan

What do you have last period?

Gerry Duncan

I have spare last period, Amanda-Susan. Which really means, I have nothing, so I can leave.

Amanda-Susan

The thing is, we pay you to be here until the end of the day.

Gerry Duncan

We? You don't pay me anything.

Amanda-Susan

I don't love your tone, so my answer has to be a no.

Gerry Duncan

Oh.

Amanda-Susan

In fact, I would like you to cover Mr. Clark's chemistry class during last period. He has to leave early.

Gerry Duncan

Why does he get to leave early?

Amanda-Susan

Personal reasons.

Robert Cheeley

Oh, snap!

Gerry Duncan

Okay, I know nothing about chemistry, so I shouldn't cover his class.

Amanda-Susan

You don't know anything about anything, when's that stopped ya? Stillll stupid.

Gerry Duncan

Okay, I can hear you.

Amanda-Susan

I wanted you to hear me.

Bobbi Galka has called Bethany's mother (Maureen) and father (Stan) in to chat about the noise they're making when they're... you know, and how it's affecting their daughter's sleep.

Stan

She's probably just exhausted from all of her extra-curricular activities.

Bobbi Galka

Right. Or maybe she's exhausted because of your extra-curricular activities? Y'know? See where I went there?

Maureen

Not in the least.

Stan

No.

Bobbi Galka

What I'm asking you guys... is that you try and keep your noise levels down when you're having your... your relations -

Maureen

You son of a b**ch!

Bobbi Galka

What's that, now?

Maureen

I knew it. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice... shame on that skanky whore, LINDA!

Bobbi Galka

Oh no, this isn't...

Stan

Okay, fine! Guilty as charged. Like I'm supposed to believe you're suddenly at "book club" four nights a week?

Maureen

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Stan

Working your way though the Kama Sutra while you shtup the neighbour doesn't count as book club!

Bobbi Galka

We have a guidance counsellor that I think would be great -

Maureen

The neighbour?

Stan

Yeah!

Maureen

Are you out of your mind, you paranoid nitwit?

Stan

Prove me wrong, Maureen! Prove. Me. Wrong!

Bobbi Galka

Great, great stuff. I think we have made some serious progress today.

Bobbi's work with Bethany's parents is complete. It's gone disastrously wrong (or fantastically right, depending on how you look at it) but Bobbi still has to pick up the pieces for little Bethany.

Bobbi Galka

Looks like someone got a good night's sleep, huh?

Bethany

The best. Thanks, Ms. Galka.

Bobbi Galka

Good, so no more loud noises, huh?

Bethany

Oh yeah. The house has never been quieter -

Bobbi Galka

Great!

Bethany

- now that dad's gone.

Bobbi Galka

What? Gone?

Bethany

Yeah, I heard mom say, dad's living with his new slut.

Bobbi Galka

Oh boy, well that is not great. And I am truly, truly sorry to hear that, Bethany.

Bethany

What's a new slut?

Bobbi Galka

Well, you know, it's someone that's gonna live... with your dad... in a different home. What? Fun!

Bethany

I don't want my dad to live in a different home.

Bobbi Galka

Who would? But who gets to have two beds to sleep in and have great sleeps now?

Bethany

Me?

Bobbi Galka

Yeah, ya do! Yeah, that's fun!

Bethany

Yeah.

Bobbi Galka

Yeah.

Some of Gerry Duncan's classroom teachings don't look good on paper. On on TV. In fact, most of his teachings look a little sinister out of context. Take Faith, Phillip and Bethany, for example.

Whitney Evans

Let's just stick to Gerry for now.

Trudy Walsh

Well, first of all, his course material is generally wildly inappropriate.

Faith

He taught us about lesbians.

Whitney Evans

Well, some might argue that that's actually pretty progressive of him...

Phillip

Then he says I can't be one.

Whitney Evans

Well, Mr. Duncan has a point there, Phillip. By definition you can't...

Bethany

Do not get him started on this.

Faith

Don't go there.

Whitney Evans

No problem.

Bethany

Then he taught us about prostitution.

Faith

Can you tell us what a crack whore is?

Remember that jaw-dropping moment when Gerry used little Tiffany as bait to try to catch a paedophile? Well, the world is about to find out about that now. Straight from Tiffany's mouth.

Girl

He used us as bait to catch the lurker.

Tiffany

He made me say things so the lurker could try to take me.

Whitney Evans

Like what?

Tiffany

"I'm all alone."
"I like puppies."
"Nobody's with me."
"I'm cute and vulnerable."
"Where's my mommy?"

Whitney Evans

And how did that make you feel?

Tiffany

Expendable.