17 MP3 Audio clips from Season 6 of Mr. D (2012)

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Gerry and Lisa have just woken up. Together. In her bed. And they apparently got married last night. But is that the worst thing that they did in a drunken stupour?

Lisa Mason

What if we had sex, Gerry? It's okay. It's totally fine. 'Cos you know why? Because we're both fully clothed so clearly nothing happened. YAY!

Gerry Duncan

No, no. I wouldn't be so sure of that.

Lisa Mason

But you shirt's still tucked in, Gerry.

Gerry Duncan

It doesn't mean anything. That's my thing.

Lisa Mason

What?

Gerry Duncan

After I do it, I get fully dressed. It's just something I've always done.

Lisa Mason

That... is super weird but I'm still dressed and that is certainly not my thing, so...

Gerry Duncan

Doesn't mean anything, either. 'Cos I dress the other person, too.

Lisa Mason

That is so creepy, Gerry.

Gerry Duncan

Creepy would be leaving you there naked while I'm fully dressed to the nines.

It's the morning after the night before and the newly married Lisa Mason (or is it Duncan?!), has bumped into Bobbi and Trudy in the corridor.

Lisa Mason

Ladies!

Bobbi Galka

Oh hey, Lisa!

Trudy Walsh

What's new?

Lisa Mason

Nothing. What's new with you?

Trudy Walsh

Well, Bobbi was just telling me about the time she made the worst mistake of her life and how disgusted and... ashamed she felt.

Bobbi Galka

Mmm. And then Trudy was talking about how she got super loaded one night and then married this huge... this huge loser.

Trudy Walsh

And then, of course, we realised that we were both talking about you!

Bobbi Galka

Yeah! So... awkward!

Lisa Mason

Okay, yes. I married Gerry.

Trudy Walsh

That was after he'd publicly proposed to another woman which makes you Gerry's...

Bobbi Galka

Just wait for this part...

Trudy Walsh

Second choice for a wife.

Bobbi Galka

Argh! Wow! Let that wash over you!

Trudy Walsh

That... day!

Lisa Mason

All right. I did a terrible thing. Okay? Guilty. But we've all done stupid stuff.

Trudy Walsh

[Laughs]

Nothing like that!

Lisa Mason

You and Robert in the car?

Bobbi Galka

What?

Lisa Mason

How 'bout... how 'bout the cold-cut buffet with Dwyer. Just... Bon appétit!

Bobbi Galka

I don't know how you know that.

Trudy Walsh

Oh. I must have told her.

Bobbi Galka

Thank you.

Lisa Mason

Trudy... you and your brother.

Bobbi Galka

Your brother?! Ewwww!

Trudy Walsh

Well, it's complicated.

Bobbi Galka

Yeah, I should hope so!

Lisa Mason

It's disgusting! So let's cut Lisa... a little slack. Okay?

[LISA walks away]

Trudy Walsh

She's kinda right.

Bobbi Galka

Yeah.

Trudy Walsh

You know, sometimes the heart wants what the stomach can't keep down.

Bobbi Galka

I have the image of your brother in my mind.

Trudy Walsh

Yeah. Me, too.

A student is eating peanuts in the corridor. Which is a problem. But not quite as big a problem as the way in which Robert Cheeley deals with it. Seriously... can he hear himself?

Robert Cheeley

Hey! You know the rule about bringing those into school. Spit the nuts out of your mouth or I'll give you something to really choke on.

Bobbi Galka is very proud of her former student, Eva. Eva has a promising music career. But her music is a little... niche. In the worst way. As she's about to find out.

Bobbi Galka

I'm so excited. Oh! Here we go! Yay, Eva!

Eva

Before I get started tonight, I just wanna give a big shout-out to my former high school teacher. She's here tonight and she's the reason I do what I do. Ms. Galka, why don't you come up here?

Bobbi Galka

What?! Okay...

[BOBBI runs up onto the stage, embracing EVA]

Thanks, Eva. Awww! I can't take all the credit but I can take, you know, a lot of it! I support you a hundred percent in everything you do, Eva. Okay, go for it!

[EVA begins to strum a ballad on her acoustic guitar]

♪

Eva

White is a cloud, white is the snow.

White is the best part of an Oreo.

White as flour and my white laundry.

[Anybody else getting slightly uncomfortable with where the lyrics are taking us?]

'Cos white is the colour Jesus wants us to be.

[Oh dear]

When this world looks dark, it needs...

Bobbi Galka

(Please don't say it.)

Eva

White power! Oh, oh, white power!

Bobbi Galka

(No... no, no, no, no, no, no, no!)

Nisha Corcoran

(What is she saying?)

Eva

White power.

Bobbi Galka

(This isn't happening!)

♪

[The crowd, comprised primarily of white supremacists, applaud loudly]

Gerry is now teaching a class at the local prison because it pays $300 per day. Of course, he's teaching maths to murderers which isn't anyone's idea of heaven but... think of the money, eh?!

Gerry Duncan

I think it's wonderful that you haven't given up on your dreams. You're gonna get a high school education, even though most of you are here forever. It's great you still wanna graduate. And that's why I'm here. I'm your teacher, there's a -

Supa Dim

'The fu*k is your name?

Gerry Duncan

My... my name? That's a good question. Easy question. My name is Gerry. Did I say Gerry? 'Cos it's Jerome. Jerome... Dunkley. That's my name I was given at birth, Jerome Dunkley. I've kept it the whole time. Never changed it. And your name is?

Supa Dim

Supa Dim.

Gerry Duncan

What... is your... what is it?

Supa Dim

Supa Dim.

Gerry Duncan

Supa Dim. Supa Dim. I'm gonna write that down.

[GERRY begins patting his pockets for the pen the guard warned him not to lose as it could be used as a weapon against staff or other inmates]

Supa Dim. I have a... where's...

[A loud scream of agony is heard from an adjoining room]

There's my pen!

Sometimes you have to modify your teaching style to suit the student. And when you're teaching a group of lifers, you'd better get your head in the game and speak their language.

Gerry Duncan

Dividing fractions. Let's start with that. All you do is take the second fraction, you turn it upside down. Take the denominator... put it up here, we take the -

Supa Dim

What the fu*k are you saying?

Gerry Duncan

Numerator. You don't know the numerator / denominator yet.

Supa Dim

Speak fu*king English.

Gerry Duncan

Ah! When in Rome. You wanna know how you divide fractions, gentlemen? This fraction stays here. Flip this fu*ker. Flip it. This is the b**ch. Get this b**ch the fu*k outta here. Take this b**ch. She just sittin' there. She just sittin' there. This little three b**ch goes to the bottom. Multiply that b**ch by that b**ch and that b**ch by that b**ch and you get that fu*ker, right there.

Supa Dim

Oh my God!

Gerry Duncan

Yeah?

Supa Dim

I think I got it.

Gerry Duncan

Supa?

Supa Dim

You just blew my mind, Jerome! You're a real good fu*king teacher.

Gerry Duncan

Guilty as charged! Well, not guilt... not a good choice of words, but...

Gerry has had a positive effect on Supa Dim. Or has he? Is Supa Dim playing him like a fiddle? Yeah. You bet your sweet ass he is. Gerry is about to become an unwitting drug mule.

Supa Dim

Yo, Jerome. I just wanna say thanks. I learned a lot from you.

Gerry Duncan

Oh, no... you don't have to thank me, man.

Supa Dim

Hey, could you do me a solid?

Gerry Duncan

Name it.

Supa Dim

My Uncle Coco's birthday is comin' up and I got him a gift.

Gerry Duncan

What'd you get him?

Supa Dim

It's a tie.

Gerry Duncan

Oh my God. I always get ties.

Supa Dim

Uncle Coco loves his ties. Could you maybe drop it off for me? It'd make his birthday so special.

Gerry Duncan

Man, that's nice of you. Livin' in here and you're thinkin' of your family.

Supa Dim

Yeah. Fifty bucks for your trouble.

Gerry Duncan

DONE! Wow! Fifty bucks to bring a tie.

Supa Dim

Forty-two College Street. Coco's house.

Gerry Duncan

That's the easiest fifty bucks ever! I'll write that down. Forty-two college... I gotta get my pen again, I keep -

[Another loud, agonising scream is heard from an adjoining room]

Okay. My pen is in someone's chest.

Simon is deeply suspicious of one of his students, Jakob. He believes he may be claiming ESL in order to get extra help and an unfair advantage over his peers.

Simon Hunt

And finally Jakob. Aced it again, Jakob.

Jakob

Jakob work so hard.

Simon Hunt

Yeah, at cheating, ya punk! You know, I'm onto you, Jakob. I sniffed out your ruse. If you barely speak English then you won't mind if I call you a sack-less turd blossom. You worthless pile of wolf-trampled human faeces. You stack of toenail fungus. You puddle of elephant semen. You heaving mess of walking, talking, bacne.

Jakob

Jakob work so hard.

Simon Hunt

Maybe you don't speak English. Good work, pal. Sorry about all of that.

Gerry Duncan is teaching his primary class again. A room full of young children he has no idea how to teach. And if you think it went badly last time, hold on to your hats...

Gerry Duncan

Remember we talked about word families? I know you love that. So we're gonna start with words that end in A, N. You yell out a word, I'll write it down. Let's see how many we can get. GO!

Bethany

FAN!

Gerry Duncan

FAN! There's a good one.

Phillip

MAN!

Gerry Duncan

MAN! That's another one.

Faith

LESBIAN!

Gerry Duncan

Words that end in A, N. Anyone? Words ending in A, N.

Faith

LESBIAN!

Gerry Duncan

Okay, I heard pan. Good.

Phillip

No. Faith said lesbian.

Gerry Duncan

All right. No big deal. Faith said lesbian. Hold on. Good. We'll write that down. Just a word. Not a big deal but we'll move on and get some other ones.

Faith

What is a lesbian, sir?

Gerry Duncan

It's your word, how do you... all right. If you liked another girl...

Faith

I like Olivia. Am I a lesbian?

Gerry Duncan

Well, if you like, like Olivia, you could be, sure.

Faith

I like, like, like Olivia.

Bethany

I love Olivia.

Phillip

I like Olivia, too. Am I a lesbian?

Gerry Duncan

No. It doesn't work that way, Phillip. You can never be a lesbian.

Phillip

No fair. I wanna be a lesbian.

Faith

Me, too!

Gerry Duncan

You can all be lesbians. Let's just... move on. Let's try words that end in O, N.

Faith

PROSTITUTION!

Gerry Duncan

What did you say?

Faith

PROSTITUTION!

Phillip

What is prostitution?

Gerry Duncan

What is prostitution? Uh, let's say... prostitution is when you work in the street and you get paid.

Bethany

I wanna do prostitution!

Gerry Duncan

No. All right. Movin' on to words that end in R, E but let me just have a second, here. To think if... nothing, there can't be... so shout out words that end in R, E.

Faith

CRACKWHORE!

Trudy loves nuts. What does that sentence say to you? Would you immediately think of almonds and soy nuts? Or are you thinking about dangly man-berries? Hmm?

Lisa Mason

Have to put Jordan Steele up on the allergy board. I just found out he's allergic to shellfish.

Trudy Walsh

Right. That reminds me. I just found out that I am severely allergic to soy nuts and almonds.

Lisa Mason

Oh, no! I'm so sorry.

Trudy Walsh

You're sorry? I am a nut lover.

Lisa Mason

I love nuts, too.

Trudy Walsh

No, no, no. I mean I love nuts.

[She performs a hand gesture which should give LISA a hint as to what she really means]

Lisa Mason

Okay, well, we need to get your photo and your EpiPen up on the board ASAP.

Trudy Walsh

There's two more nuts that I will no longer have the pleasure of rolling around my gullet.

Lisa Mason

W... we're still talking about almonds and soy nuts, right?

Trudy Walsh

Testicles.

[LISA walks away, clearly uncomfortable with the direction in which the conversation is going]

Squeamish little one, aren't ya?

Well, Trudy has found a photo of herself. Sadly, she looks rather like Miss Trunchbull in a hoodie in it and, not surprisingly, Lisa finds this rather amusing.

Trudy Walsh

Here's the photo you asked for.

Lisa Mason

Oh good...

[Upon seeing the photograph, LISA bursts into hysterics]

Trudy Walsh

What's so funny?

Lisa Mason

Nothing.

Trudy Walsh

You sure about that, Chuckles?

Lisa Mason

You want me to put this up on the allergy wall? I mean... look at you! What are you wearing? This is why I carry a taser. If there's an emergency we need to be able to recognise you. I mean, who is this?

Trudy Walsh

Okay. Point taken. How about if I dig around and find another photo that's a little more me?

Lisa Mason

Yes. That's a good idea. I mean, you can put that up in the mean-time but switch it out when you have one, okay? This is for your own safety.

Trudy Walsh

Yeah, you should probably walk faster for your own safety.

Thank God Chris Hansen and NBC didn't stoop to this level when they created To Catch a Predator. Using an actual child as bait to lure a paedophile out of hiding outside a school? Holy sh*t.

Simon Hunt

So you're telling me there's a lurker in our midst?

Gerry Duncan

Yep. Somewhere around here.

Simon Hunt

Whoa, if I get my hands on that guy, the things I would do to him, let me tell you.

Gerry Duncan

What are you gonna do, Simon?

Simon Hunt

Well, I'll tell you what I wouldn't do. Violence. Nope. Violence is not the answer but I'd give him a stern talking to and a... cold look. So, how you gonna catch this lurker?

Gerry Duncan

Bait. Uhhhh... Tiffany. Can you come here for a sec, please? Listen, can you do Mr. D a favour? I want you to go stand at the very end of the school property, there.

Tiffany

Okay.

Gerry Duncan

I want you to look approachable but pretty, okay? Just round there. There we go.

[To SIMON]

Wanna catch a lurker, think like a lurker. Bait!

Gerry Duncan

TIFFANY!

Tiffany

Yes?

Gerry Duncan

Twirl your hair a little bit. Look more vulnerable.

Tiffany

I... cute and vulnerable!

Gerry Duncan

Can you look like you have no parents?

Tiffany

Where's my mommy? I like puppies!

Simon Hunt

Hang on a second. What are we doing? Gerry, I'm ashamed. We're using a cute little brunette girl as bait?

Gerry Duncan

So?

Simon Hunt

So... it's 2016, Gerry. We're projecting our narrow-minded ideas of what lurkers find appealing onto this guy?

Gerry Duncan

Oh my God. I am so embarassed.

Simon Hunt

You're embarrassed?! I'm on the Diversity Committee.

Tiffany

I'm all alone!

Simon Hunt

This is a nightmare.

Tiffany

Nobody's with me!

The new substitute teacher is hot. Smoking hot and she's brought out the competitive spirit in her male co-workers. Especially Gerry and Frank.

Frank

I already called dibs on that, Gerry

Gerry Duncan

[Laughs]

Oh! Oh, you're serious. You might want to check with her, first. 'Cause I'm pretty sure it's a no, Frank. And it's got nothing to do with the fact you can't walk. So don't try to play that I'm being sort of insensitive to your disability. It's purely based on your height and looks. 'Cause she's a ten and you're a five.

Frank

This five's going into that ten twice!

Gerry has a plan to make big money fast. All he has to do is bait some children into insulting him, post the video online and wait for the crowdfunding to start.

Gerry Duncan

Make sure you bring your phone. And make sure it's charged.

Simon Hunt

I'll just have to close some games. They tend to eat up my battery.

Gerry Duncan

Yeah. I've got a class right now, okay? I'm gonna go to class.

Simon Hunt

Closing these games. Jewel Thief, Baby's First Bratwurst, Tinder, Momma's Boy... the hell is this game? Horny Milkman?

Twelve positive pregnancy tests. No, it's not a line from The Twelve Days of Christmas. It's what Mr. Malik found in a bin in the girl's bathroom.

Robert Cheeley

Bobbi, as the Health Teacher, I need you on the front lines with me.

Bobbi Galka

I'm very busy, Robert.

Robert Cheeley

This is a crisis. We need to sniff out these pregnant little women. Let's roll.

Trudy Walsh

I bet Nick Davis is the baby daddy to all of them.

Mr. Malik

That boy could get me pregnant!

Lisa's kindness and generosity has somehow got lost in this conversation. And as for what Frank thinks is a "party pleaser", I don't even want to think about it.

Lisa Mason

Hi, everyone. Can I have your attention please. Okay. It seems as though I've come in under budget this year. Yay me! So I just wanted to spend all of that money on the staff. So I'm planning a little soirée at Maison d' Lisa. I hope you can all attend. Just a thank you for all of your hard work this year.

Frank

Is there gonna be entertainment?

Lisa Mason

Well, I... like, I'm sure I can arrange something.

Nisha Corcoran

You know what I love... is a magician.

Paul Dwyer

You got music, right?

Frank

You should get a mariachi band.

Nisha Corcoran

Oh yeah, you know what else is a huge party pleaser?

Frank

Condoms and lube?

Could this be the end of a beautiful relationship? A marriage made in heaven? Or a drunken, non-consummated union between Gerry and Lisa which would never have lasted anyway?!

Lisa Mason

What am I supposed to do now?

Gerry Duncan

I don't know. You'll figure it out. You always do. You'll land on your feet. You're Lisa Mason. You're a strong, independent woman.

Lisa Mason

You're right. I am strong. And I can bounce back from anything. Thank you. You know... the moments are few and far between but every once in a blue moon, you can be a pretty half-decent husband.

Gerry Duncan

Oh! Almost forgot... that's why I came after you. Uh... gotta get an annulment. Gotta... get out of this!

Lisa Mason

What?

Gerry Duncan

Come on. I'm on the upswing, you're on a downward spiral to a nervous breakdown... I can't be married to that! Right? You get it. I'm done with this!