24 MP3 Audio clips from Season 5 of Mr. D (2012)

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Mr. D has been dismissed from Xavier Academy and is now teaching a class on the wrong side of town. A side of town where students bring their babies to class and there are bars on the windows.

Gerry Duncan

I will be your new teacher... Mr. D.

Student

What does the D stand for? Dick?!

[This elicits some appreciative laughter from his peers]

Gerry Duncan

Oh, good, yeah! That's... funny. The D would only stand for Dick if my name was Richard. And my name is not Richard. It is Gerry. So... no Dick here.

Reinstated to Xavier Academy, Mr. D is having to re-cap the rules for Show & Tell because Faith apparently didn't grasp the concept. Oh and as for Phillip... mother of God!

Gerry Duncan

Just to re-cap the rules, uh... we show and then we talk about it. That's the tell part. Who's next? Phillip! Phillip, what do you have?

[To GERRY'S surprise and horror, PHILLIP has a gold-coloured vibrator]

Phillip

I brought in a rocket ship that my mom keeps underneath her pillow.

Gerry Duncan

Okay, that's great, Phillip... thank you for that.

Phillip

And there's a switch. You turn it on and it buzzes like a rocket ship.

[Oh boy, yes it does. It buzzes like a... like a... well, like a vibrator, actually]

Gerry Duncan

All right, you can have a seat now.

[Yeah, no. Phillip has other ideas]

Phillip

Look out, Mr. D... it's coming in for a landing!

Gerry Duncan

Oh no. No, it's good. Is it? Okay. You know what? Let's...

[Before it touches him, GERRY knocks the vibrator from PHILLIP'S hand and it skitters across the floor and splutters to a stop. The class gasp collectively]

Faith

You broke his rocket ship.

Gerry Duncan

Oh, now you talk.

[The vibrator starts up again, completely of its own accord and this is cause for celebration among the children]

Gerry Duncan is coaching two wrestlers; Alex and Lucas. Alex is a pre-pubescent scrap who wins his matches by default as he's alone in his weight class. But he certainly talks the talk.

Alex

If I win, it'll be my third win in a row at regionals.

Gerry Duncan

Well, okay... that's uh, I'm not gonna lie, that's hard to believe that you've won, uh... anything.

Lucas

There's no-one else in his weight class. He's been cruisin' through every tournament.

Gerry Duncan

Okay, well, it doesn't count if you're not really... fighting anyone.

Alex

Tell that to the six trophies sitting on my mantle.

Gerry Duncan

Yeah, those trophies mean nothing. They're just... they're just... tokens of nothing. You haven't done anything.

Alex

Try me.

[ALEX drops to the mat on all fours, the basic starter position for a wrestling bout]

Lucas

Yeah, I'm game.

[LUCAS adopts the same position]

Gerry Duncan

Try what?

Alex

Chicken?

Gerry Duncan

You want me to wrestle you?

Alex

I'm not down here to smell the mats!

Lucas

[Makes chicken noises]

Gerry has inadvertently given both wrestlers Ringworm. Yeah. All three are itching like crazy and if they don't get rid of it or disguise it, no wrestling tournaments for them.

Gerry Duncan

Oh, what?

Alex

Way to spread your filth around, Sir.

Gerry Duncan

Oh no. You guys got it, too? Well, it's not my filth.

Alex

You're Patient Zero. This is definitely your fault. And plus, you were supposed to spray the mats before practice.

Gerry Duncan

All right, how am I supposed to know you're supposed to spray the mats?

Lucas

Coaching 101. There're gonna be college scouts at this meet. This'll cost me a scholarship.

Gerry Duncan

It's not gonna cost you a scholarship.

Alex

All I had to do was show up and collect another trophy. That's why they call me Golden Boy.

Gerry Duncan

Okay, no-one calls you that, Alex.

Alex

Well, they certainly won't now.

Gerry Duncan

Take it easy.

Alex

You really crapped down the chimney on this one, Sir.

Simon Hunt is in immense pain. It looks like he's been hobbled. Or kicked in the balls. Which isn't that far from the truth, to be honest.

Simon Hunt

Oh, hello, Trudy. Behold! I am now officially Jewish from... crown to... u... urethra.

Trudy Walsh

[Laughs]

Mazel tov!

Simon Hunt

My foreskin is now a three-skin. Argh! No more dipping the old dangle.

Trudy Walsh

[Laughs]

Oh my God, are you all right?

Simon Hunt

It's the most pain I've ever experienced in my life. Gotta wear a sock on it to try to cushion the... blows. It sort of plaps up against the inside of my leg when I walk.

Trudy Walsh

Yeah, I don't need the details.

Simon Hunt

Pop, pop... It is no picnic. But mohel says that old Simon will be okay so long as Simon Junior doesn't wake up from his nap, if you catch my drift.

Mr. Malik

Malik Junior still bleeds when I sneeze.

Trudy Walsh

Yeah, that's quite a turn-on, Malik!

Robert Cheeley stumbles upon Xavier's newest member of staff apparently lost in the corridor. Which doesn't bode well for her, really. I mean, initiative and resolve are surely prerequisites?!

Robert Cheeley

Problem?

Nisha Corcoran

It seems I've been moved to 207A and I can't seem to find it.

Robert Cheeley

It's actually in the basement.

Nisha Corcoran

I didn't even know there was a basement!

Robert Cheeley

A lot of the newbies start there but I'm sure you'll work your way up.

Nisha Corcoran

Oh, I'm fine with the basement.

Robert Cheeley

Or maybe you won't, you know? Maybe you'll work for decades, as hard as you can, and watch while people with less ability bunny-hop right over you on the ladder to success. And all you can do is stand by and wonder why Lady Fate would donkey-fist you in such a way!

[They both laugh awkwardly]

It's Gerry's first time teaching a primary class. He's not used to children of this age who lack independence. And he's about to meet Amanda-Susan for the first time, too.

Gerry Duncan

Come on, the rest of you, we're missing recess. It's half over by now.

Amanda-Susan

Can you tie my shoes?

Gerry Duncan

Tie your own shoes. You're seven years-old.

Amanda-Susan

I don't know how to, obviously.

Gerry Duncan

It's not rocket science. Just copy one of those kids and do what they do.

Amanda-Susan

Just do your job and tie my shoes.

Gerry Duncan

Okay, we don't talk to teachers like that. Okay? So, I'm gonna tie it this time and you tell your parents that you're gonna have slip-ons next time. Right? Because I've got better things to do. I have a Bachelor of Education. And this is not how I plan on using it. I double-knotted those. Go.

[The bell rings to denote the end of recess]

Oh my gosh! Okay, back! We're back! We haven't left! Hurry up, everybody! Hurry up!

[AMANDA-SUSAN is standing in front of GERRY again, shoes in hand]

What?

Amanda-Susan

I need to switch back to my indoor shoes. Can you untie these, please?

Gerry Duncan

You don't know how to untie your shoes, either?

Amanda-Susan

You were the one who put double-knots in them, genius. Not me.

Gerry Duncan

Just wear your outdoor shoes.

Amanda-Susan

So lazy!

Gerry is running a sweat-shop in the school's basement. He's got unpaid pre-teen children making bracelets for his own profit. It's beyond sick. He belongs in prison.

[A marble rolls off a table and onto the floor]

Gerry Duncan

What was that?

[He bends down to pick it up]

What's this, Charlie?

Charlie

It's just hard to see in here.

Gerry Duncan

You think this is hard to see? You know what's hard to see? The future. For an orphan.

Amanda-Susan

Why are we in here?

Gerry Duncan

No questions. Back to work.

Danika

I'm so thirsty, Sir.

Gerry Duncan

You will drink when you have made two-hundred bracelets.

Amanda-Susan

This is crap. I'm not doing this.

Gerry Duncan

You know what? The quota is now four-hundred bracelets thanks to Amanda-Susan.

Danika

Thanks, Amanda-Susan.

Nisha Corcoran is visiting the home of Simon Hunt to meet his mother. Yes. They're becoming an item. Or so Nisha hopes. Y'see, Simon's mother is... well, she's fu*king weird to be honest.

[NISHA knocks on the front door and it is opened by ANGELA]

Nisha Corcoran

Mrs. Hunt, it is so nice to finally meet you. I brought a pie.

[Following ANGELA'S lead, NISHA begins to laugh. That is until ANGELA slams the door in her face]

Angela Hunt

ABSOLUTELY NOT!

Simon Hunt

WHY NOT?!

Angela Hunt

SHE'S A WHORE! ALL UP IN MY FACE... WITH A PIE?!

Simon Hunt

THAT WHORE IS AN ANGEL AND THAT ANGEL-WHORE IS MY SEMI-FORMAL DATE!

Angela Hunt

SHE'S NOT COMING IN HERE. I WILL NOT HAVE IT. THAT MEATLOAF IS NOT GOING DOWN THAT SLUT'S THROAT, I'LL TELL YOU THAT RIGHT NOW!

Simon Hunt

YOU'RE SMOTHERING ME!

Angela Hunt

DON'T THINK I HAVEN'T THOUGHT ABOUT IT!

Robert Cheeley hasn't been asked to sign a single yearbook so far. So when Stephan asks, Robert can't wait to make his mark on the boy's future.

Stephan

Can you sign this?

[ROBERT signs the yearbook with a flourish]

Robert Cheeley

There you go.

[STEPHAN reads what ROBERT has written]

Stephan

Good fu*k?!

Robert Cheeley

Hmm? Huh?

[STEPHAN hands the yearbook to TRUDY who reads the inscription aloud]

Trudy Walsh

"Dear Stephan. You're a good kid. Good FU*K?!!"

Robert Cheeley

No. That's obviously an L. Good luck.

Trudy Walsh

Not in English, it isn't.

Robert Cheeley

Bobbi?

Bobbi Galka

Huh?

Robert Cheeley

What does that say?

Bobbi Galka

Mmmm... "You're a good kid. Good fu*k."

Robert Cheeley

No.

Bobbi Galka

Wow!

Trudy Walsh

Yeah. You see? That's why people don't want you signing those things.

Stephan

You ruined my yearbook, Sir.

Robert Cheeley

It's obviously a misunderstanding.

Trudy Walsh

Yeah? Tell it to the judge.

Robert Cheeley

STEPHAN! Luck's sakes...

Trudy Walsh

Oh, God. They didn't even spike the punch. What's wrong with these kids?!

I'll grant you that colleagues talking "shop" constantly is irritating. But playing hardcore porn to shock them into stopping? Ballsy. Very ballsy!

Bobbi Galka

The kid never remembers his gym uniform, I mean... how hard can it be?

Simon Hunt

Yeah, he was in my class for years. Bad kid.

Bobbi Galka

Yeah.

Gerry Duncan

Okay. Can't you talk about something else other than school when you're in here?

Emma Terdie

Excuse me?

Gerry Duncan

This is all you do. You come into lunch, talk about the students, the staff, the school, the education system... I'm gettin' sick of it. I wanna eat my lunch, I don't wanna talk about that stuff. Talk about a movie or a game or somethin'.

Bobbi Galka

Gerry, we need to vent. This is our chance to decompress.

Emma Terdie

Oh, speaking of which. Has anyone noticed that Harry Jones has the worst halitosis?

Simon Hunt

Oh, yes. Yes. Are you kidding me? Oh! I call him Harrytosis! Harrytosis Smith.

Bobbi Galka

You know, I had a student once who had a... a...

[The conversation stops as it becomes apparent that someone is watching porn. And by someone, I do, of course, mean Gerry]

Gerry Duncan

Hmm. There you go. A little porn. Is this disturbing you? Is this... is this helping you decompress, too? I thought that might work.

Gloria is a student teacher. A student teacher who shakes like a sh*tting dog whenever she's left alone to teach. Gerry needs to boost her confidence somehow. Give her some pointers...

Gerry Duncan

What are you nervous about? These kids aren't going to give you a hard time! None of them. Brandon, here's got a thirty-seven average. He's not gonna judge you. He can hardly put a sentence together. And Lori, all she cares about is law school in a few years. She's not gonna give you any lip.

Lori

The nicer I am to you, the better my mark. Right, sir?

Gerry Duncan

Yeah. See? She's a kiss-ass. Kiss-asses aren't threats to teachers. We control them. Not the other way around. If you see a kid giving you a hard time, you find out what their dreams are. And you threaten to crush them.

Gloria

Okay.

Sass. Amanda-Susan has it in abundance. She might be small but she packs a mighty punch and her attitude stinks worse than a hobo's jockstrap.

Gerry Duncan

Nice of you to finally join us, Amanda-Susan.

Amanda-Susan

You're welcome, Mr. D!

Charlie

[Laughs]

Gerry Duncan

Oh, you think Amanda-Susan's funny?

Amanda-Susan

It's ASS.

Gerry Duncan

Excuse me?

Amanda-Susan

My full name is Amanda-Susan Sullivan. But my friends call me ASS.

Gerry Duncan

I'm pretty sure that's not why they call you ASS, ASS!

Amanda-Susan

I said my friends... call me ASS.

[The laughter is spreading. Time for GERRY to step-up and stamp it out]

Gerry Duncan

All right. Well, I don't like your tone so you just bought yourself a Saturday detention.

Amanda-Susan

Eat my shorts.

Gerry Duncan

What was that?

Amanda-Susan

EAT... MY... SHORTS!

Gerry Duncan

Reference is a little dated but you just got yourself another Saturday detention.

Amanda-Susan

I'm crushed.

Gerry Duncan

And that gets you another one, right there.

Amanda-Susan

Great. I'm free the Saturday after that. Beyond that, I'm gonna have to check my calendar.

Gerry Duncan

You got another one. I can keep going.

Amanda-Susan

Great. I could do this all day... BUD!

Gerry Duncan

And that's another one. Are you through?

Amanda-Susan

NO!

Gerry Duncan

And another one.

Amanda-Susan

SO?!

Gerry Duncan

You do realise what's going on here, right?

Amanda-Susan

YES!

Charlie

Cut it out, ASS!

Gerry Duncan

I'd cut it out. Nothing left to say, Amanda-Susan? I didn't think so. I win. Back to work. I will write some things on the board here I would like you to copy into your -

[GERRY returns to the classroom and begins writing on the board. When his back is turned, AMANDA-SUSAN takes off one of her shoes and throws it at him, hitting him square in the back of the head]

Gerry Duncan

Did you just throw a shoe at me?

Amanda-Susan

No.

Gerry Duncan

Then how come there's one shoe missing from your foot?

There's no point b**ching to Mr. Malik. Because I guarantee, no matter how bad your lot, his luck is worse than yours.

Gerry Duncan

Can you believe I have to work Saturday?

Mr. Malik

I dream of the day I can taken one day off.

Gerry Duncan

How come every time I have something to tell you, it becomes about you? Do you ever listen to yourself?

Mr. Malik

Why don't you go fu*k yourself?!

It's Saturday detention and Gerry is taking roll-call. A small but mighty detainee is missing. At least initially.

Gerry Duncan

Amanda-Susan. Where's Amanda-Susan?

[AMANDA-SUSAN strolls in, wearing dark sunglasses, a red neckerchief, denim jacket and green trench coat]

Starts right at 9 o'clock.

Amanda-Susan

I don't wear a watch.

[SIMON begins to laugh as AMANDA-SUSAN approaches him]

You're sitting in my seat.

Simon Hunt

I was here first.

Amanda-Susan

Get out.

Simon Hunt

No, I will not.

Amanda-Susan

Five... four... three -

Simon Hunt

Okay, yeah.. I'm done. I'm done.

Amanda-Susan

That's what I thought.

Gerry Duncan

You done?!

Even the Principal is no match for the sass of Amanda-Susan. She sees everything, misses nothing and turns everything to her advantage. She'll go far in this life!

Principal Mason

Hey, Mister Duncan! Look who I found. Trying to leave the supremac... school premises.

Gerry Duncan

Amanda-Susan! I let you go to the bathroom and this is what you do? Unbelievable.

Principal Mason

Yeah, and... and as a punishment... okay, I'm gonna make you do a two-thousand word essay on why you're in Saturday detention.

Amanda-Susan

Sure, Principal Mason.

Principal Mason

Good.

Amanda-Susan

Oh, Miss?

Principal Mason

Hmm?

Amanda-Susan

One question. Should I say you were drinking on school grounds or did you show up drunk?

Principal Mason

Well played. You're free to go.

Amanda-Susan

Later, losers!

Gerry Duncan

Don't mess with the ASS. You get the hoofs!

Bobbi Galka has finally grown a pair and asked Paul Dwyer over to her place for dinner. And he's said yes. Time to celebrate as only Bobbi can... or does.

Bobbi Galka

[Performs an embarrassing verbal rendition of Entry of the Gladiators, also known as Thunder & Blazes or simply "That song you always imagine when you think about circuses!"]

Trudy Walsh

What are you doing?

Bobbi Galka

I'm doin' the big balls dance... I grew a pair.

Trudy Walsh

Yeah? Well if you ever want to have sex again, you have to stop doing that.

Bobbi Galka

Okay.

You know that one member of any group who the others take the p*ss out of constantly? Is that you? Oh. Sorry. Well, in this instance, it's Bobbi Galka. You'll know how she feels, huh?

Bobbi Galka

Hey, Trudy... can I talk to you about something?

Trudy Walsh

Oh, here we go.

Bobbi Galka

Okay... that response... I used to be respected and now it feels like I'm the butt of everyone's joke.

Trudy Walsh

Yeah. You are. You've become the staff punching bag.

Bobbi Galka

What?

Trudy Walsh

It's the loser that everyone mocks to blow off steam. Every group has one. Now it's you.

Bobbi Galka

That's just cruel. I mean, isn't it Lisa?

Trudy Walsh

It used to be Lisa but now she has firing power. She's a dangerous bag to punch.

Bobbi Galka

Well, how is that my problem?

Trudy Walsh

There was a void, Bobbi. A vacuum. It needed filling and you got sucked in.

Bobbi Galka

What about you?

[TRUDY laughs incredulously]

Trudy Walsh

Bobbi... come on! The only way to fix this is by pushing someone else into the void.

Bobbi Galka

Or... we don't have a void. What happens if we're just nice to each other?

Trudy Walsh

Bobbi, nature abhors an un-filled void.

[ROBERT CHEELEY enters the office to hear only that last sentence]

Robert Cheeley

Amen, sister!

Ricki Devere is amazing. She should be an ambassador for people with Down Syndrome. She's sassy, witty and driven. In this particular instance, to sell a pencil to Robert Cheeley.

Ricki Devere

Pencils for sale!

Robert Cheeley

No, thank you.

Ricki Devere

Are you sure?

Robert Cheeley

Yes. I'm positive. You know why? Because I actually bought this box of pencils for a dollar ninety-nine. There are twelve of them which means the price per pencil is under twenty cents. Compared to your astronomical seventy-five cents.

Trudy Walsh

For God's sake, just buy a pencil.

Robert Cheeley

Miss Walsh... please. Ricki and I are just talking about business, right? Talking about the concept of supply and demand which means your pencils are only worth what people are willing to pay for them.

Ricki Devere

Stop haggling.

Robert Cheeley

Ah! That brings us to the next lesson. You have to listen to your customers, Ricki and adapt to their needs. You want my advice, you want your pencil business to grow... you're gonna have to slash your prices.

Ricki Devere

Your momma slashed her prices!

Trudy Walsh

[Laughs]

Robert Cheeley

Did you put her up to that?

Trudy Walsh

No. I'm just a fan!

Kids with allergies. Is it just me or is this an entirely new phenomena? Nothing was banned at my school. We were positively encouraged to dip bees in powdered peanuts and rub them into our eyes!

Gerry Duncan

Uh... allergies. Make sure you have your EpiPens out of your bags before we start off on the day. Thomas, you should bring your asthma inhaler, it says here... Shelby, where's Shelby? Heat, moss, bees, perfume, nuts, sun, mold, dust, dairy products... I think we should all just get away from Shelby. Think again about picking Shelby for your group. I'm just sayin'. Y'know what, actually, Shelby, you're in the sun right now. You should go on the bus. Seriously. We'll bring you back out later when the games and activities start. Watch you don't touch him, please. Thank you, Shelby. The sun doesn't go away, Shelby. You'd better hope for rain or you're on there the whole day. I'm sorry.

An outdoor activity trip has resulted in Gerry and Robert being lost in the middle of the woods without the camp co-ordinator, Jasmine or her son, BJ to help them out. And they're getting delirious.

Gerry Duncan

BJ! BJ! JASMINE!

Robert Cheeley

Rice!

Gerry Duncan

What? BJ!

Robert Cheeley

No thanks. I'm good.

Oh dear. When a 1st grader accidentally drops the C-Bomb during a group exercise. It happens. Believe me... it happens.

Gerry Duncan

All right. Okay, everyone has written down their contraction word. And now we're just gonna see if you've done it correctly and then you will... move on to the next person. Okay, so who's first? Faith. What's another way we can say will not?

Faith

Won't. W,O,N,apostrophe,T.

Gerry Duncan

Good girl. Um... Bethany. Bethany... has not.

Bethany

HASN'T. H,A,S,E,N,apostrophe,T.

Gerry Duncan

That's really close. That's really good but we... we don't have an E there but you did really good. That was so close. Almost. So we just cross the E out. Uhhh... Phillip? Can not.

Phillip

CAN'T. C,U,N,apostrophe,T.

Gerry Duncan

Yep, we just need to put a little hat on the U. Okay?

[Little FAITH sits forward and reads PHILLIP'S sheet of paper]

Faith

That says c*nt!

Gerry Duncan

Okay, you know what? Yeah. That does. That's true.

To begin with, you could be forgiven for thinking that Gerry is performing a monologue for the camera. But no. The camera pulls back to reveal Amanda-Susan sitting beside him.

Gerry Duncan

Guess I just thought I'd be further along by now. Truth is, time flies by. And one day, you just wake up and you realise you're closer to the end than you are the beginning.

Amanda-Susan

Oh, cry me a river!

Gerry Duncan

I knew you wouldn't understand.

Amanda-Susan

Just because you're not married and you don't have kids, doesn't mean you're a huge loser.

Gerry Duncan

I never said I was a huge loser.

Amanda-Susan

My uncle's forty-eight. Single. No kids. His life is amazing. Ask me where he is right now.

[When GERRY doesn't immediately respond, AMANDA-SUSAN dry-slaps him in the chest]

Ask me where he is right now!

Gerry Duncan

Where is he right now?

Amanda-Susan

Who knows? Thailand, Hawaii, Japan... he does whatever he wants, whenever he wants.

Gerry Duncan

Guess I am free to do whatever I want.

Amanda-Susan

There you go! Now you're talkin'.

Gerry Duncan

Maybe I am awesome and untameable.

Amanda-Susan

Yeah! Like an unmarried, poor-man's George Clooney. Hobo Clooney! Bye, Sir.

On the occasion of his fortieth birthday and on the verge of a mid-life crisis, Gerry has invited himself along on Nisha's night at a silent disco. This could end very, very badly.

Gerry Duncan

Nisha! What is the plan then, Nisha?

Nisha Corcoran

I'm actually checking out this new club, uh... with some of my friends. We like to get together once a month and just check out, like, a new, hot spot in the city and -

Gerry Duncan

I'm in.

Nisha Corcoran

Really?!

Gerry Duncan

Sure, I'll go.

Nisha Corcoran

Oh, this is going to be so fun! Okay, so pre-drinks, Chez Moi at eleven.

Gerry Duncan

I love Chez Mois. Don't know where it is but I'll find it.

Trudy Walsh

Sounds fun. Maybe I'll join.

Gerry Duncan

[Laughs]

Stop it! I mean I'm a tiny bit older than Nisha but... I think you're gonna feel... really out of place.

Trudy Walsh

Or maybe I'll just boot your manberries up into your nasal cavity.