12 MP3 Audio clips from Season 4 of Mr. D (2012)

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Gerry Duncan has a black eye and he's heavily hungover. So he really can't handle teaching a bunch of fifth graders. Which is why his idea is such genius. A game where everybody sits in silence.

Gerry Duncan

All right, we're not going to do work today. We are going to... play a little game called Heads up, seven up.

[The class react excitedly but the noise is too much for GERRY]

Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! So, shut your eyes, put your heads on your desk and let's play.

Girl

Sir... aren't you supposed to pick seven people?

Gerry Duncan

Yeah, we're not doing that part today, okay?

Natalie is running for Student Council President. Gerry Duncan is liaison for this process. Which explains why she ambushes him as he comes out of the restroom.

Natalie

Sir?

Gerry Duncan

Natalie, you can't hang outside of the staff washroom like that, okay?

Natalie

Okay. Sorry, Mister Duncan.

Gerry Duncan

How would you like it if I hung outside the girl's washroom all day? And waited for you?

[Realises how sinister that sounded]

I'll never do that.

Some people didn't think Robert Cheeley had it in him. That he couldn't quash an insurgency. That he was an idiot. Well, turns out that all three of those things are true!

Robert Cheeley

Well, suffice to say, the Alomar insurgency has been quashed. They said I couldn't do it. They said I didn't have it in me. Some of them even said I was an idiot.

Trudy Walsh

[Shouting from the next office]

You are an idiot, Robert!

Robert Cheeley

Not now!

Jimmy's little sister is quick to point out that her brother is an idiot and that she's nothing like him. Gerry Duncan isn't so sure. He doesn't trust either of them.

Gerry Duncan

Oh! Look who's decided to join us today.

Tammy DeGrazia

Sorry I was late, Sir. I was at the doctor's.

Gerry Duncan

Oh, the doctor excuse. I've heard it many times from your brother, Jimmy.

Tammy DeGrazia

I'm not like my brother. My brother's an idiot.

Gerry Duncan

HA! Yes, he is an idiot.

Tammy DeGrazia

Here. I have a note from my mom.

[TAMMY hands GERRY the note and he takes it from her]

Gerry Duncan

Oh. You have a note from your mom, do you? Are you forgetting I taught Jimmy for three years now? I know what your mom's signature looks like. And your mom puts a penis where the i is...

[Several students start to giggle as Gerry slowly realises his mistake]

...so this is not from your...

Tammy DeGrazia

Would you like me to get out, Sir?

Gerry Duncan

Yes. Tammy... get out!

Trying to prove that he's gangsta to a new kid from an underprivileged neighbourhood (actually an undercover police officer) has had a catastrophically cringey effect on Robert.

Robert Cheeley

Hey, ho.

Trudy Walsh

Ho?

Robert Cheeley

Dang right, biatch! Why don't you back your badonkadonk up out my office, right... nizzle. Beep, beep, beep!

Trudy Walsh

Do you have a death wish? And do not forget those cupcakes. KnowI'msayin'?

Roberty Cheeley

Yessums.

When Lisa finds out that Flo, the Xavier Academy Crossing Guard for twenty-five years is being forced to retire, she does something nice for her. Which kind of backfires. Royally.

Lisa

Flo is the model of spirit, kindness and dedication. Flo, you've never let us down. And, for that... I would... we would like to present you with this plaque -

[As LISA continues pouring praise over FLO, TRUDY is talking conspiratorially to BOBBI]

Trudy

When I retire, do not give me a plaque. Give me something I can sell. Or drink.

Lisa

- twenty-five years of service. You will be missed.

[The staff join in giving FLO a warm round of applause]

Flo

Well, this is amazing. I love my job. The sound of children outside. Being in the outside world, I mean that's heaven to me. Probably because I spent so much time in a confined space. You know, I was surprised when I got the job initially. But when you sleep with your Parole Officer, he's willing to pull a few strings. No background checks when you're on your back, huh?!

[TRUDY is the only one who laughs at this joke]

Oh, crap. I swore I wouldn't cry. Damn you, Lisa. If I would have known there was this much kindness out in the world waiting for me, maybe I wouldn't have knifed the shift manager at the diner. What an ass. "Wash your hands, wash your hands..." Well, I got his hands clean, all right. I stuck them in the deep fryer before they pulled me off him. Yeah, how do you like that for clean, jerkoff?!

Bobbi Galka can't help herself. She finds Robert Cheeley repugnant but she can't help sleeping with him. Repeatedly. And Trudy is at a loss as to why. As are we all, to be honest.

Trudy Walsh

How does this keep happening?

Bobbi Galka

Please don't judge me. It's just... too good!

Trudy Walsh

But you were free!

Bobbi Galka

Trudy... I've never experienced anything like this.

Trudy Walsh

C'mon, how good can that be?

Bobbi Galka

He does...

[BOBBI starts to gag at the very thought of what ROBERT does to her]

I'm gonna just write it down.

Trudy Walsh

Me? I have no gag reflex. Popular, popular girl!

You know that old gag where the boss says, "I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off", right? Well, this is similar. A play on words.

Robert Cheeley

Can you do me a favour? Give me a hand with this jacket?

Principal Callaghan

Sure. Jacket on or jacket off?

[When you hear that line aloud, you'll realise how much it sounds like jack it off]

Robert Cheeley

Sir!

Is there anything worse than someone having a bawdy conversation on their phone WAY too loudly? Well, for Trudy... no. Nothing at all worse than that. And she won't stand for it. Nuh-uh.

Frank

[Laughs]

Shut up, Pauly! No, you're crazy! What happened last night after I left? Did you end up banging that girl?

[Laughs]

Yeah -

Trudy Walsh

Frank! Do you mind?

Frank

WHAT?! She didn't?! She did?! She didn't! She didn't!

Trudy

HEY! I don't care if she did, or she didn't. But if you don't start using your inside voice, you're gonna be the one who gets banged. And obviously I don't mean in the good way.

Robert Cheeley is stuffing fliers for his upcoming stage play into staff pigeonholes. It's his debut as lead, writer, director and stage manager. What a d*ck.

Robert Cheeley

Simon...

Simon Hunt

I'll take that...

[Gasps]

Cool! I love plays. I didn't know you were an actor.

Robert Cheeley

Uh-huh.

Simon Hunt

And a producer.

Robert Cheeley

Uh-huh.

Simon Hunt

And a director.

Robert Cheeley

That's right.

Simon Hunt

Stage manager.

Robert Cheeley

There are a lot of things people don't know about me. Runs in the family. I've... dabbled in thespianity over the years.

Simon Hunt

Mmm. My mom dabbled in that in college.

Frank is the new Guidance Counsellor at Xavier. He's good at his job but he really needs to think before he speaks. Because this... this sounds so, so wrong. SO wrong.

Frank

Let me see your hands.

Jimmy DeGrazia

My hands?

Frank

Oh, yeah. They're beautiful, dextrous hands. My grandmother was a gypsy. You're gonna write your ticket with these hands. As a... dentist.

Jimmy DeGrazia

Dentist?

Frank

Mmm-hmm.

Jimmy DeGrazia

Okay...

Frank

I know I'm right about this. Five years from now, you'll be deep in my mouth.

WTAF? Does nobody at Xavier Academy hear what comes out of their own mouths? I mean, who says this? When the Principal is retiring, suggesting that you fill his gaping hole? OMFG!

Robert Cheeley

Can I just say, quickly... I am... sick about the idea of you leaving. But... the prospect of filling your gaping hole does appeal to me.