20 MP3 Audio clips from Season 1 of Mr. D (2012)

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It's the first time Gerry Duncan has met his students. He wants to make a good impression. He fails. Miserably.

Gerry Duncan

All right, I'm Mr. Duncan. Actually, the uncan is unnecessary. You can call me Mr. D

Ben

But, uh... we call Mr. Dwyer, Mr. D.

Gerry Duncan

Well, that's going to be confusing, then... for Mr. Dwyer.

What his students need to know is how well-travelled their new teacher is. That's sure to win them over. Right? Er, no. Not really.

Gerry Duncan

Everybody here is from a different background. I like that. I've been to many, many countries. Almost all of them. Except for a couple hundred. All right? Let's pick a country... see if I've been there.

[He picks up a globe, spins it and stops it at random with his finger]

Japan. Been there. Konnichiwa. Okay, let's do another.

[He spins the globe and stops it as before]

Middle of the Atlantic Ocean. I have not been there. Death. Sharks. Do not want to be there. Okay...

If you're going to wish a young Chinese girl Happy Christmas, make sure you know how to say it, that she understands it and that it's actually Christmas. Life hack right there, ladies and gentlemen!

Gerry Duncan

Sing... sing-dan-fai-lo... to my sun-li-fai-lo...

Strap

I don't know. I don't speak Chinese. What does that mean?

Gerry Duncan

Merry Christmas and happy New Year.

Strap

But it's not either of them.

Gerry Duncan

Yeah, but it's coming, so...

Gerry Duncan has the hots for School Counsellor Eva MacPhee. So much so that he's willing to participate in something he really doesn't care about just to get close to her.

Eva MacPhee

Just remember that some of your students will have stopped eating at 7am and they're subsisting on just water. They'll be sleeping over at the school tonight and everyone who makes it through will have a celebratory breakfast together tomorrow morning. I could always use more help if... anyone...

Gerry Duncan

I will help. I will be there.

Eva MacPhee

Thank you.

Gerry Duncan

You're welcome.

Lisa Mason

You said you were coming to my thing tonight.

Gerry Duncan

Oh, this is way better!

Sheila is a girl in Gerry's class. She's reading a book about a girl who's menstruating. Surprisingly, she really isn't comfortable about sharing this information with her peers. So Gerry does.

Gerry Duncan

All right, kids. While you were reading the last fifteen or sixteen minutes, I've was surfing the internet... looking up the book that Sheila is reading. 'Cos she didn't wanna tell me because the book is about... menstruation. Visit from Aunt Flo. Crimson wave. I know the terms, ladies. Nothing you can say will shock me. It's part of your body. How many girls in here have not had their period? Girls, none of you have to ever fear about telling me that you've had your period. You don't have to lie and be ashamed and hide books you're reading on it. I know what you're going through. Not personally, obviously. Interesting fact: if you're pregnant, your period stops. Which is like this magical thing that... just happens.

[The class is spared any more excruciating embarrassment by the timely sounding of the bell]

Mr. D is down with the kids. Oh yeah. He knows all the tricks when it comes to exams. He's worldy-wise, you know? Battle-hardened. A twat.

Ben

Sir, did, uh... did you ever cheat in school?

Gerry Duncan

Let's just say I know all the tricks, Benjamin. Okay? All right. Cellphones; not allowed. Talking; not allowed. Extra paper... there will be no washroom breaks. Calculators are fine. If you wanna bring a calculator to the exam, bring a calculator.

Ben

Sir, why would we need a calculator for a history exam?

Gerry Duncan

[Picks up a calculator and starts typing on it]

Benjamin... tell me this. How many years between the end of World War I in 1918 and the start of World War II in 1939...

Ben

Twenty-one.

Gerry Duncan

Twenty -

[Clears his throat]

- twenty-one. What if I ask you how many months that is?

Maya Garland

Two hundred and fifty-two.

Gerry Duncan

Thank you, Rainwoman. And if I ever see anyone write the word boobless in the calculator, you will be expelled. Disgusting. Funny joke for some of you. Disgusting for me.

[Wanna try this for yourself? Type the number 55378008 into a calculator and turn that bad boy up-side down]

A fundraiser is needed to claw back the $1,500 that Gerry Duncan has spent on tracksuits for the Netball team. He's relying on his class to come up with some great money-making ideas.

Stephan

At my cousin's school, the football team organised a big dance. They raised a ton of money.

Gerry Duncan

There's our idea. We're gonna do a dance. Nice work.

Stephan

There were a million people there.

Gerry Duncan

No, there were not. We're gonna have a dance, kids.

Strap

Can we make the posters?

Gerry Duncan

Yes, Strap. We can make the posters.

Strap

How about the tickets?

Gerry Duncan

Make the tickets during class time.

[The class celebrate this news excitedly]

It'll take about three or four days.

Lucy

Can we go?

Gerry Duncan

No.

Strap

Why can't we go?

Gerry Duncan

Because dancing leads to... kissing.

[The class predictably react in abject horror at the very idea of this]

Yuk.

Lucy

My mommy told me that kissing leads to babies.

Gerry Duncan

Sometimes.

[Stephan raises his hand]

Gerry Duncan

Yes, Stephan?

Stephan

Sir, I think sex leads to babies.

Gerry Duncan

Okay...

Ticket sales aren't going quite as well as expected. And to make matters worse, Gerry has told the cool boys from St. Patrick's that there will be hot girls. So he's turning these three away.

Gerry Duncan

Oh! Sorry, girls. We're sold out. Sorry. Yeah. Come earlier next time. Sorry, guys.

Simon Hunt

We're not sold out. Why'd you do that?

Gerry Duncan

Told the St. Pat's kids we have good looking girls at the dance. I can't have the Manson family freak-show showin' up.

Simon Hunt

Hmm.

Gerry Duncan

'Cos they'll cause damage. Maybe murder.

Gossip never leads to anything good. Especially when your friend gets completely the wrong end of the stick. And you don't make allowances for that. One word. Embarrassing.

Trudy Walsh

I know you had a sex dream about me, Robert.

Robert Cheeley

WHAT?!

Trudy Walsh

Don't give me that. Lisa told me. About the field and me lying there...

Robert Cheeley

Yeah, dead!

Trudy Walsh

What?

Robert Cheeley

So many wolves, Trudy. I... I tried to stop them but I couldn't. They killed you. And there was a funeral. And I sang...

Why do they allow Trudy to make announcements over the school's PA system? I mean, she has no idea what she's doing. And here she is putting her foot in her mouth. Shoe and sock included.

Trudy Walsh

Oh... and just one more thing. The midget boys' basketball team lost a heartbreaker to York Secondary fifty-six, fifty-five. Too bad, boys. Unfortunately, you just came up a little short. Thank you.

Practical jokes. They have their place, right? I mean, when the Vice Principal is this much of a douche, it's almost expected that you'll play a few jokes at this expense, right?

Robert Cheeley

TRUDY!

[He comes out of his office with a face like thunder]

Trudy

[Laughs]

Robert Cheeley

That's not funny! What if I'd had a parent in there when that screensaver came up?

Trudy

Well, then... obviously, Robert, they would just think that you really like sexy clowns.

Principal Callaghan

Did I miss it again?

Trudy

Yes.

Robert Cheeley

Sir, please... that's not funny. She's really starting to impede my ability to do my job.

Principal Callaghan

Oh, Robert! Chillax! It's a joke. Grow a spine. Fight back!

[He and Trudy laugh hysterically]

Sometimes, things sound way better in your head than they do spoken aloud. In that pre-verbalisation phase, you should assess whether it's appropriate to say what you're thinking, Gerry.

Gerry Duncan

Oh, I... heard you're starting the health unit.

Bobbi Galka

Yeah. Kind of the worst part of teaching Phys. Ed., you know?

Gerry Duncan

Hmm, well... you want me to come in during my spare and help, I will.

Bobbi Galka

[Laughs]

Yeah! Oh... no. That's okay. Thanks.

Gerry Duncan

Okay. Suit yourself. But let it be known that I have quite a way with young kids and sex. What I mean is I have quite a way of... explaining... sex... to young... I have... I know how to make it fun... I know how to make ed... sex education fun.

Bobbi Galka

Got it!

When I was at school, pretty much every text book for every subject was covered in crude drawings of penises. And it seems that it was the likes of Mister Jefferson who left them there,

Wayne Leung

Hello, Mister Cheeley. Trudy said we could come right in.

Robert Cheeley

What is it, Mister Leung?

Wayne Leung

This is Mister Jefferson.

Robert Cheeley

Yeah, I know who Mister Jefferson is. What's the problem?

Wayne Leung

[To JEFFERSON]

Go on. Tell him.

Jefferson

I drew a penis on Moby Dick.

Wayne Leung

And he did not refer to it as a... penis... earlier.

Robert Cheeley

Mister Jefferson... have a seat, please.

Wayne Leung

Have a seat, Mister Jefferson.

Robert Cheeley

Mr. Leung, you can go now.

Wayne Leung

I'm gonna stay for the justice.

Robert Cheeley

Fine.

Wayne Leung

Make sure he tells you the whole story...

Robert Cheeley

Oh good, there's more!

Wayne Leung

You should see what he did to Tale of Two...

[He mimes breasts with his hands]

And Moses is not holding the ten commandments any more.

If you're going to buy some merchandise to raise the spirits of your netball team, it's perhaps always best to check your spelling. You don't want shirts to give the wrong message now, do you?

Gerry Duncan

Big game tomorrow. And we are going to win. In order to get you all in the right mind-set for the game, during the warm-up, you will wear these new warm-up shirts we got you that will make sure that you... CHOOSE NOT TO LOSE.

Girl

It says loose, not lose, Sir.

Gerry Duncan

Okay, well... the printers made a mistake. We will tell them to re-do them.

Simon Hunt

Actually, I've got the receipt. It says you "verified the spelling", so there's no refund.

Now this is some psycho-babble bullsh*t right here. If you picture the win, you will win. Did that work, EVER? For ANYONE? I doubt it. And kids take everything so literally!

Gerry Duncan

We are going to do a little visualisation exercise... I'd like you to shut your eyes and don't open them until I tell you. And I would like you to visualise... the last few seconds of the game. Three, two, one... the buzzer sounds. We win! Then you gather around and you lift me... high up into the air... thanking me for the victory... cheering and cheering.

Gaby

But, Sir... you're too heavy.

Gerry Duncan

No, Gaby. I'm not too heavy. There's ten of you. You're fine. Just keep... running.

Gaby

My arms are shaking. I can't hold you.

Lucy

You're falling. Falling on my legs. You're landing on my legs.

Gaby

I can't get up, Sir. I can't breathe!

Lucy

I can't, either.

[One by one, the other members of the class join this group psychosis, crying out in pain and distress at the thought of their fat teacher crushing their fragile bodies]

Jealousy. They don't call it the green-eyed monster for nothing. And in this case, it leads Gerry Duncan down a particularly rocky path. Insulting the boyfriend of a murdered girl, no less.

Kate

So... Lisa.

Lisa

Yes?

Kate

Are you dating anyone?

Lisa

Not right now, no.

Derek

I see where you're goin' with this.

Lisa

Mmm-hmm. Philip.

Derek

Yes!

Lisa

Oh! Who's Philip?

Derek

Oh, he is the greatest guy. He's... he's super-funny. He's really successful -

Kate

Yeah! He's cute... and single!

Lisa

Oooooooh! I like all of those things.

Gerry Duncan

He's all those things. All those things right there. And single. Do you not see there's something wrong with Philip? Girlfriend break up with him for anything -

Derek

His girlfriend was murdered.

Lisa

Oh my God!

Derek

Yeah. They found her body in a dumpster outside a mall...

Gerry has had the insane idea of having the priest of the opposing school bless him and his team before the big game. The priest is trying to remain impartial but Gerry definitely has other ideas.

Gerry Duncan

Heads down. Go ahead.

Priest

Heavenly father, we ask that you bless these girls. And their coach. We ask that they play with all their effort and their might. That they play safe and free from injury.

Gerry Duncan

And they win?

Priest

And that they play competitively, Lord.

Gerry Duncan

And that they win, Lord?

Priest

And that they enjoy themselves, Lord.

Gerry Duncan

And they win, Father.

Priest

They've never actually won a game?

Gerry Duncan

No.

Priest

There are limits to even the Lord's capacity for miracles!

Gerry Duncan

Okay. Thanks, Buddy. Good. Okay. Blah-blah-blah-too-too! Good. See ya. Yeah.

Well, who'd have thought that having been ejected from the stadium before the game even started, Gerry could be so easily replaced as Coach? By an Escort of all things? Yes. A working girl.

Gerry Duncan

You won?!

Strap

Yeah. Diana was a great coach.

Gerry Duncan

Oh my gosh.

Strap

Oh and she asked me to give you this message.

Gerry Duncan

A message?

Strap

She said, "I want my fu*king money!"

Wouldn't it be easier if women just felt comfortable telling creepy guys like Robert Cheeley to fu*k off? And not in some round-about fashion. I mean flat-out tell him to fu*k off. So much simpler.

Robert Cheeley

Which way you walking?

Lisa

Uh... I'm going the other way.

Robert Cheeley

That's where I'm going!

Lisa

Okay. Great. So, let's...

A charity boxing match is due to take place between Gerry Duncan and Simon Hunt. And Principal Callaghan is keen to get some training in to make sure it looks realistic on the night.

Principal Callaghan

All right. Now I'm gonna throw a punch and you're gonna block it with your hand. It's very important. Your first line of defence... your hands in front of your face, all right?

Simon Hunt

Okay.

Principal Callaghan

I'm gonna throw a punch. You're gonna block it with your left hand. Right?

Simon Hunt

Exactly.

[Simon doesn't block the punch. It connects with his jaw, sending him sprawling to the floor]

Principal Callaghan

Come on! You've gotta be kidding. I barely touched the guy!

Simon Hunt

Gerry? Call my mom?

Gerry Duncan

Uh-huh. Oh, boy.

Principal Callaghan

Do you know this mom?