21 MP3 Audio clips from Season 9 of Robot Chicken (2005)

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Remember the grandparents in Willy Wonka? The four of them shared a large bed, two at each end, right? Yeah. Well, that's the scene to picture here. And... cue the prostitute!

Woman

Hey! I'm here for the sex party.

[Taking in the scene before her]

Um...

Grandpa Joe

I've got an everlasting gobstopper for you. It changes colour. Mostly between red and purple.

Woman

Uh, no thanks.

Grandpa Joe

Maybe this will change your mind?

[He pulls out a GOLDEN TICKET]

Woman

Oh. Now we're talking!

[She leaps into bed with GRANDPA JOE and the "fun" begins]

Grandpa Joe

Uh, uh, uh, uh... SNOZ-BERR-IEEEEEEEEEES!

I don't have words. If you bought a Tickle Me Elmo for your child and heard it say this, you'd kill it. You'd kill it with fire. And then pee on the ashes.

Tickle Me Elmo

[Laughing]

That tickles!

[Laughing]

Now, lick my nipples.

Kid

What?

Tickle Me Elmo

What?

Prince Adam became He-Man. Cringer became Battle Cat. And until Cringer transformed, he was a... well, he was a scaredy-cat to be honest. Some might say he was a... pu**y. So sorry about that.

Prince Adam

Adam can't defeat Count Marzo but He-Man can.

Cringer

Maybe He-Man c-c-c-can do it himself, this time?

Prince Adam

Oh, Cringer... always so afraid. BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL...

Cringer

I never consented to this, I'm literally p*ssing myself. That's what you wanted, is it?

Prince Adam

... I HAVE THE POWER!

Cringer

And I have NO power. What kind of a hero forces his best friend into violent adventures without permission? Oh, great. Now I'm sh*tting myself in addition to the p*ss.

He-Man

Ah-hah!

Cringer

No!

[CRINGER begins to vomit]

Oh, don't point that sword at me, noooooooo!

[CRINGER magically transforms into BATTLE CAT]

He-Man

Feeling better, Battle Cat?

Battle Cat

Yes, of course I do. I'm Battle Cat now. I'm standing in a pool of p*ss, sh*t and vomit but otherwise, great.

In the early 1900s in fictional Vulgaria, the Baron Bomburst's infamous Child Catcher stalked the streets, looking for children. Nowadays, he'd have sure-as-sh*t wound up being caught by Chris Hansen.

Child Catcher

There are children here, somewhere. I can smell them. Come out, my kiddie-winkies. Come out, come out for candy.

[CHILD CATCHER opens the front door of a shop and walks inside]

Hello? Little children! Is there a child in here, somewhere?

[From the shadows, CHRIS HENSEN emerges, bearing his trademark clipboard and smug grin]

Chris Hansen

Hello, I'm Chris Hansen.

Child Catcher

God damn it. Urgh. Okay, I've seen the show. I'll take a seat.

Chris Hansen

Says here your given legal name is Child Catcher.

Child Catcher

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't have sex with children. I want to make that absolutely clear. I use them as slave-labour in underground mines. That's not so bad, is it?

Chris Hansen

Okay. You're free to go.

Child Catcher

[Laughs]

I know what this means.

Chris Hansen

[Laughs]

Oh, yes. Indeed. As soon as you exit the front door you will be tackled and arrested.

Child Catcher

Oh, brother. What a show!

Ladies. If a man you meet in a bar tells you that he's going to take you to "Pound Town", it doesn't necessarily mean that you won't be walking right for a week. Behold...

[INT: Car - night]

Man

Oooh, and there's the Pound Town Library. Up ahead, that's Pound Town Post Office and as we crest this hill here, you're gonna see the University of Pound Town.

Woman

Well, it's not what I thought you meant.

If Kindergarten Cop were made in 2022 as opposed to 1990, Joseph's anatomical observations would, apparently, be wrong. But he's right. Isn't he? Isn't he? I'll be honest. I just don't know any more.

Joseph

Boys have a penis and girls have a vagina.

John Kimble

NO! THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS ANYMORE!

Remember Ruth Ware's spooky poem, "In a Dark, Dark Wood"? Well, my recollection was that there was a cupboard in that dark, dark room. Not my parents... doing it.

Narrator

In a dark, dark wood, there is a dark, dark house and in that dark, dark house there is a dark, dark room and in that dark, dark room, your parents are doing it!

[Laughs maniacally]

Slow Burn. Like a sloth telling you straight out that he fu*ks your mom. I mean... sure, it's puerile but it would make a great ringtone, huh?! You know it would.

Sloth

I... fu*k... your... mom!

As kids we were always throwing a slinky down the stairs, right? And it never quite reached the bottom, right? Well, Slinkies have had enough. It's pay-back time. Apparently.

Kid

Yay, Slinky!

Slinky

How do you like it?

[SLINKY shoves the kid head-first down the stairs]

Terrified, eh? Maybe nauseous. Don't you love being thrown down the stairs? Oh, look... you didn't make it all the way down. I'll tell you what... we'll try again.

Kid

Slinky... why?

Slinky

For my people. FOR MY PEOPLE!

You'd be forgiven for thinking this was a straight audio lift from the Disney classic Dumbo. But no. This is definitely a Robot Chicken take on this famous scene.

Timothy Q Mouse

May I present to you the ninth wonder of the world... the only flying elephant... DUMBO!

[Perched on a nearby branch, the Crows begin to laugh and mock]

Jim "Dandy" Crow

Did you ever see an elephant fly?

Fats

I seen a Horse Fly.

Deacon

I've seen a Dragon Fly.

Dopey

I've seen a House Fly.

Specks

I seen a man eat his own butt.

[At this, the other CROWS fall silent]

Oh, what? We not sharin' any more?

You remember Face/Off, right? Where Castor Troy and Sean Archer swapped places and faces? Well, imagine coming home to find that you suddenly have two identical husbands. Pop quiz. What do you do?

[A WOMAN enters a house through the front door]

Woman

Honey? Listen, I love that we work together at the CIA but you have to tell me when you come home early.

[She sees that there's a struggle going on between two men who both look exactly like her husband]

What's going on?

Man 1

Baby, this guy is a Russian agent who had plastic surgery to take my place. Just shoot him.

Man 2

No, baby. He is the Russian agent.

Woman

There's only one way to be sure. I'm gonna ask you a question that only my husband would know. What's my favourite TV show?

Man 1

Oh, I know... Am... American Pickers.

Man 2

The Price... The Price is Right?

Woman

Okay, strike that. When's my birthday?

Man 1

I should know that.

Man 2

I should know that, too.

Woman

Oh, fine! Whatever! Okay, quick... what do I like most in bed?

Man 1

Oh! Uh... is it butt stuff?

Man 2

When I... when I come first?

Woman

Screw it.

[She shoots both men and then turns the gun on herself]

Jareth. David Bowie (with a pair of socks stuffed down the front of his ballet tights) played this character in Labyrinth. But imagine if Jareth had a normal, everyday job. In a store, say...

Jareth

Stay with me, Sarah. We could be together. Forever.

Supervisor

JARETH! You were supposed to re-stock the fingerless glove display.

Jareth

My name is The Goblin King.

Supervisor

Now, Jareth.

Jareth

Aargh! Fine!

[The SUPERVISOR finds baby TOBY under the counter wearing his trademark red and white striped onesie]

Supervisor

Are you stealing babies again?

Jareth

THAT WAS THERE WHEN I OPENED!

Customer

Can I buy this Spongebob nipple ring or not?

You've heard of the Ferryman, right? The reason a penny was placed on the eyes of the recently deceased was to allow them to pay to cross the River Styx. But surely he'd have to take contactless now.

Ferryman

Payment to cross the River Styx.

Dead Guy

There you go.

[The DEAD GUY hands the FERRYMAN a Discover card]

Ferryman

I don't take Discover.

Dead Guy

Oh, um... Visa?

Ferryman

A GOLD COIN! What am I going to do with a credit card?

Dead Guy

What... are you gonna do with a gold coin?!

Mr. Bubble. The child-friendly soap choice for many generations. But nowadays, I think he'd find himself under suspicion and probably on the register for sharing a tub with... naked children.

Judge

The defendant is charged with the crime of bathing with thousands of naked children since 1961. How do you plead, Mr. Bubble?

Mr. Bubble

One hundred percent not guilty, your Honour.

Prosecutor

True or false, sir. You lured children into the tub by promising, quote, "tubs of fun."

Mr. Bubble

Well, that's a bit out of context.

Prosecutor

You also told children, and this is a direct quote, "I'm fun in the tub, just give me a rub." Correct?

Mr. Bubble

But I AM! I work my way into all their cracks and crevices.

[The JURY gasp in horror at this most despicable of revelations]

Juror

We find Mr. Bubble guilty on all counts.

Mr. Bubble

But who will bathe the children? Who... who will bathe the children?

In the 1973 Disney adaptation of Robin Hood, the narrator is Alan-a-Dale who is portrayed as a rooster. He tells the story to Skippy and, in the process, to us. But here's the truth behind that story.

Alan-a-Dale

So, Robin Hood wed Maid Marian and good King Richard returned to his throne. And the evil King John went to prison. The end.

Skippy

Oh but, sir... what happens next?

Alan-a-Dale

Well, I have a warm dinner waiting for me at home but... since you asked. Richard immediately forgave his brother, John and named him heir to the throne.

Skippy

WHAT?!

Alan-a-Dale

Richard loved fighting wars so he left John in charge.

Skippy

But John is evil. That was the whole problem in the first place.

Alan-a-Dale

Meanwhile, laying siege to a castle, Richard walked around without armour like a true a**hole.

[We see KING RICHARD taking an arrow in the chest and falling to the ground, mortally wounded]

Skippy

Good King Richard... died?!

Alan-a-Dale

Not right away. You see, his surgeon was a real numb-nuts and the wound got gangrene.

Skippy

Yuck!

Alan-a-Dale

Richard's last act was to forgive the enemy soldier who shot him as he was just a boy.

Skippy

How noble!

Alan-a-Dale

Yeah, but the second Richard died, his soldiers flayed the kid alive and hung him.

Skippy

Oh, my God!

Alan-a-Dale

Anyway, blah-blah-blah, Magna Carta, then John got dysentery which is a good way to die if you enjoy sh*tting blood.

[CUT TO: KING'S GARDEROBE. JOHN'S face is one of fear and horror as his bottom explodes violently]

Skippy

Any other horrible facts you want to ruin my childhood with?

Alan-a-Dale

Every ounce of chocolate contains up to seventeen spider pods. That's... that's something to sleep on.

Skippy

I hate you!

You've seen Catfish: The TV Show, haven't you? But what if Catfish catfished each other? What would the show be called then? Well, logic dictates... Human: The TV Show, right?!

Male Catfish

Uh, yeah... I'm supposed to meet Melanie here.

Melanie

I'm... I'm Melanie.

Male Catfish

You don't look anything like your picturse on-line. Wait. Did you human me?!

Ah, the Unsinkable Molly Brown. She survived the night of April 14th 1912 only to have King Kong land on her, a**hole first, from atop the Empire State Building. Wait... WHAT?!

Boy

Jeepers! You're Unsinkable Molly Brown. You survived the Titanic. Can I have your autograph?

Molly Brown

Certainly, my dear.

[We hear a descending cartoon whistle as something falls towards MOLLY BROWN]

Oh, sh*t!

[Wide shot. We see that it's King Kong and that he's apparently crushed MOLLY BROWN]

News Anchor

We can now confirm King Kong fell from atop the Empire State Building, landing on Unsinkable Molly Brown, crushing her to death and -

[Gasps]

Wait! I don't believe what I'm seeing. Rescue workers are pulling a victim out of the great beast's mighty anal cavity. Let's listen in.

[MOLLY BROWN emerges, gasping for air]

It's Unsinkable Molly Brown. She's alive. What incredible luck for the creature to land on her in such a way. All... things considered, Molly Brown truly can't be killed.

[DISSOLVE to signify time-lapse. MOLLY BROWN is approached by another young boy]

Boy

Gee willikers! Aren't you King Kong's Butthole Molly Brown? Can I have your -

Molly Brown

Get... the fu*k... OUT OF MY FACE!

This is one of those parallel universe things. A predator offering candy to a child and a child offering... underage boys to a predator. What... the... FU*K?!

[A young boy is pedalling a scale model of a panel van along the sidewalk towards a full-size version]

Predator

Hey, I've got some candy in my van. You wanna come see?

Kid

Hey, I've got underage boys in my van. Wanna come see?

Predator

Well played.

It's the Walking Dead Special. Here we explore how the outbreak may have happened and, as usual, it's the poor monkeys who take the brunt of the blame.

Politician 1

Any idea what caused the outbreak, Doctor Jenner?

Politican 2

I bet it's monkeys. It's always monkeys.

Doctor Jenner

Actually, no. It's a common misconception that some lonely wanderer in an African jungle gets his rocks off in a hapless primate, doesn't bother to wipe, comes home and bangs his wife and then BOOM, you've got the AIDS but... that's not how science works.

Politician 1

So... it's cool to fu*k monkeys? Woohoo! Going to the Congo!

You've got to be careful mocking a Walker because, well, you never know quite who was related to who. You could mock the looks of a female zombie only to find out that it was once your friend's wife.

[NEGAN is peering through the spyhole at his porch upon which a female Walker stands]

Morgan Jones

I think deep inside they hang on to the memories of what they used to be.

Negan

Well then, this one must remember crouching on a roof to scare away evil spirits. She's one gargoyle-looking fuggle, three-bagger.

Morgan Jones

That's my wife!

Negan

Woo-wee! Gorgeous woman.

Oh no. No, no. It's the Unicorn again. I mean, not only is he entirely fictional but he's also... horny. Yes. And not in a GOOD way. No, this pervert will go with anything. Living or dead.

Unicorn

Looking for something, friend?

[Whinnies]

Sheriff Grimes

Yeah. Gas.

Unicorn

Oh, I know where there's plenty of gas. Hop on and I'll show you.

Sheriff Grimes

Okay. Let's find you a saddle.

Unicorn

I prefer if you'd ride me raw-dog.

Sheriff Grimes

What?

Unicorn

How bad do you want that gas?

[CUT: Ext. Abandoned Highway - Daytime]

Rick, I... hope you know I appreciated your enthusiasm and I still respect you. Also, sorry about your shirt. I was aiming for your hair.