15 MP3 Audio clips from Season 5 of Robot Chicken (2005)

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As anyone who's ever watched He-Man will know, Skeletor always comes off worse. He's never bettered his adversary and almost certainly never will.

Beastman

I think we almost won today. Good effort.

Skeletor

Aw, shut up, Beastman. He-Man put his heel right in my balls and did a fu*king pirouette. I can still feel them unwinding!

How cool would Return of the Jedi have been if the Emperor had done a monologue to Baba O'Riley by The Who? THIS cool. That's how cool.

The Emperor

Whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah! Do you ever have one of those moments where you think, "how the hell did I get here?" Jeez, what happened to me? I was ruling the galaxy, had a cherry-new battle station... I mean, this place had an omelette bar. A straight-up omelette bar. And now look. My former intern's tossing me down a bottom-less freakin' pit.

[Sighs]

You know, come to think of it... my whole life has been a series of what the fu*k moments. That, uh... that was my out.

It must have come as a shock the first time The Emperor saw his ruined face in a mirror. And I reckon that this is probably the way he reacted.

The Emperor

Oh my God, I look like... I look like I have a scrotum for a face. What am I supposed to call myself? Darth Syphilis? If you'd made up your mind five seconds earlier, we could have ruled the galaxy and maybe I could have gotten laid one more time before I die.

Darth Vader

Uh, I can see you're upset. I'm just gonna go slaughter those younglings.

The Emperor

Yeah, whatever.

It's common practice in military circles to greet or salute a senior officer when you pass them. But on an endless escalator, that's got to become somewhat tiresome.

Stormtrooper

My Lord.

The Emperor

Stormtrooper.

Stormtrooper

My Lord.

The Emperor

Stormtrooper.

Stormtrooper

My Lord.

The Emperor

Yo.

Stormtrooper

My Lord.

The Emperor

Mmmm.

Stormtrooper

My Lord.

The Emperor

[Sighs]

Stormtrooper.

Stormtrooper

My Lord.

The Emperor

Stormtrooper.

Stormtrooper

My Lord.

The Emperor

Yuk.

Stormtrooper

My Lord.

Emperor

Go fu*k yourself.

Stormtrooper

My Lord.

The Emperor

Go fu*k yourself.

Stormtrooper

My Lord.

The Emperor

GO FU*K YOURSELF!

Stormtrooper

My Lord.

The Emperor

GO FU*K YOURSELF!

Stormtrooper

Awwwww.

I'd never given this any thought. And why would I? I always assumed that Chewbacca was typical of his species. But, as it turns out, he's been naked this whole time.

Han Solo

[Knocking on the door of Chewbacca's family home]

You know, I've never met another Wookie, Chewie. So it'll be great to finally meet your family.

[The door opens to reveal a family of WOOKIES dressed in normal street clothes]

Han Solo

You mean to tell me you've been naked all these years?

Remember Twiki? The robot who habitually said "Bee-dee-bee-dee-bee-dee"? Well, imagine this scene at the doctor's office.

Doctor

I'm sorry, Twiki. You have diabet-ee-bee-dee-bee-tes.

If Toy Story were real and Andy returned home from college, I think this is probably what would happen. He'd have discovered a new "toy".

Woody

Okay, guys. Andy's almost home from college for Spring Break.

Sarge

All right, ladies. Single file, front and centre. Commander in Chief on the premises.

Soldier

You mean Obama?

Sarge

He's not my President.

[Andy comes in carrying a girl in his arms and they make their way straight to the bed, kicking Slink out of the way]

Slink

TELL MY STORY!

Woody

Etch... what's goin' on up there?

[Etch draws a crude picture of a couple going at it doggy style at which Rex throws up all over the floor]

Buzz

You gotta help that girl, Sarge.

Sarge

Oh, God! She won't stop screaming. What does "fu*k my fu*king box dry" even mean?!

Andy

This is awesome!

This is not the sort of announcement you'd want to hear if you were on a battle cruiser in space. It's a good news, bad news situation.

Captain

Attention, everyone! We are now in orbit around the planet of hot chicks. Who turn out to be monsters. But they're friendly monsters and they're very horny. Unfortunately, they have razor-sharp teeth in their vaginas. Although they do have ten breasts each. Oh, and the ship is on fire.

Daria. The animated 90s sitcom. The principal character was always somewhat... ambiguous. And this explains why.

Host

Remember Daria? I know. Yuk! I was anxious to get an acerbic, dry-witted take on the tumultuous nineties from this anti-feminine, basically asexual boy-repelling train wreck. Thanks for sitting down with us, Daria.

Daria

It's Daryl, now. All those years I thought I was an exceptionally gross girl when in fact I was a beautiful man.

Host

I see. How did this happen?

Daryl

Well, first they enlarged my clitoris with androgenic hormones then they fashioned my labia into a makeshift scrotum.

Host

[Vomits violently]

Daryl

Life's a crazy ride. Especially if you have your urethra re-routed.

Host

[Vomits some more]

Dos Equis. Remember the commercials starring Jonathan Goldsmith? They always started the same. But the ending could have been very different.

Jonathan Goldsmith

I don't often drink beer but, when I do, I usually suck three or four male penises and on several non-consecutive occasions I've run over a pet. Oh, and once I raped my own uncle. That is why I don't often drink beer.

A death row inmate is, in certain states, allowed to choose his last meal. Which has got to lead to some pretty awkward conversations when the prisoner chooses to... eat out.

Warden

What do you want for your last meal, Anderson?

Anderson

I wanna eat your wife's -

[CENSOR BLEEP]

Warden

Dammit. Not again.

[He call his wife]

Honey? It's me. Can you head over to the jail with your lasagne? Great. Thanks.

[CENSOR BLEEP]

Can we replace the batteries in that smoke detector?

If you're in Mexico and partake in a burrito, it's going to get spicy. And if that happens, drink beer. Or milk. But NEVER drink the tap water. Because this will happen.

Man

Woooo-hoooo! This burrito is spicy. Nothin' beats Mexican tap water.

[His stomach goes into spasm]

That was probably a mistake.

[We cut to a montage of him on the toilet]

My a**hole is still fifty percent scar tissue!

If Pinocchio were to enjoy an "evening in" with an unattractive lady, you can expect this to happen. What with his nose growing whenever he tells a lie an' all.

Woman

[Giggling excitedly]

Are you havin' a good time, Pinocchio?

Pinocchio

Oh, yeah! Yeah, this is great!

[We know this was a lie because we hear his nose grow]

Woman

Oh, you should ask before you stick your finger in there.

Pinocchio

That wasn't a finger. This is fu*king terrible!

If Mario were to start dating, there would come a time when his girlfriend would need to introduce him to her parents. And this is how I would imagine this would go down.

Girl

Mother, father... this is my boyfriend, Mario.

Mother

Charmed to finally meet your acquaintance, Mario. Ooooh! Did a pig sh*t out a dead foetus in here?

Mario

Oh! I beg your forgiveness. I come here through the sewer line.

Girl

Mario's a plumber.

Father

So he commutes through human waste?

Girl

And he's Italian.

Father

Oh. Okay. Say no more.

Mother

Did you lose something, Mario?

[MARIO is searching down the back of the couch when he finds and holds up a coin]

Mario

Hey hey! I found one!

Mother

Yes. In our sofa.

Father

And there it goes.

Mario

So, I says "Hey, Bazant toilet paper and paper towels... they ain't the same thing!"

Mother

Mmmm. Another clogged toilet story. What a delightful compliment to our mushroom soup.

Mario

MUSHROOMS?! Aye-aye-aye! Achoo!

[MARIO begins to swell]

Girl

Remind me to bring mushrooms on our honeymoon!

Mario

I so sorry. I have a few allergies. Mama-mia! FLOWERS! Achoo! Achoo! Achoo!

[He sneezes a fireball which sets fire to the curtains]

Mother

Ooh! My DRAPES!

[The blaze spreads to the MOTHER'S crotch]

My MEAT drapes!

Father

Both equally dusty!

Let's go back to the days when Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck were single and hanging out in bars with a view to picking up chicks, shall we?

Donald Duck

Oh! Check it out, baby. You've got an admirer.

Mickey Mouse

Oh, wow. That's great!

Donald Duck

What are you doing? Get over there and talk to her.

Mickey Mouse

Haven't you noticed that she looks exactly like me... but in drag?

Donald Duck

So?

Mickey Mouse

What am I? A fu*king narcissist that I need to look at myself while I'm bustin'... oh, God. She's comin' over.

[Before MINNIE can reach him, MICKEY downs his drink and rushes out of the bar. DONALD turns to watch his friend flee and spies DAISY DUCK sat at the bar. But he thinks he's looking into a mirror]

Donald Duck

Oh my goodness! I'm a hideous woman! Want to get out of here?!