23 MP3 Audio clips from Season 4 of Robot Chicken (2005)

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Ever wondered what it would be like to be on Santa's naughty list? Well, it appears that exposing your genitalia to the help is one sure-fire way of getting on it. The list, that is. Not the help.

Jayden

I suppose your presence here means I made the naughty list.

Santa

We don't mind a little mischief, Jayden but flashing your wee-wee at the maid; that's one step too far.

So let's get this straight... not only can Santa deliver a present to every boy and girl in the world in the space of one night, but he also has time to rescue children stuck down wells? Hmm...

[SANTA is flying across the night sky on his reindeer-powered sleigh]

Comet

How's the view back there, buddy? The light at the end of the tunnel is my ass!

[The reindeer behind COMET retches. Cut to SANTA hearing a cry for help]

Kid

Help me!

Santa

Huh? Put her down, boys.

[The sleigh lands. Cut to SANTA, COMET and other reindeer all gathered at a well]

Help is coming, little boy! Are you hurt?

Kid

I've been down here three days with no food or water! And I pooped in my pants!

Santa

Three days?! He could die of thirst before we reach him!

Comet

Not on my watch!

[Comet starts peeing down the well.]

Santa

What are you - COMET! Stop peeing on that child!

Comet

I saw it on Man Vs. Wild. You can drink pee, pee it out and drink it again! Three times if you want!

Kid

This rain tastes like oats!

Darth Vader. He's impulsive and impatient. It's no wonder he's single. I mean, if his decisions are made on such a hair-trigger, imagine what the buffoon would be like between the sheets!

Wilhuff Tarkin

I grow tired of asking this. So it will be the last time. Where is the rebel base?

Princess Leia

Dantooine. They're on Dantooine.

Darth Vader

You heard her. Destroy Dantooine!

Wilhuff Tarkin

WAIT!

[In response to VADER'S orders, a massive laser is fired at the planet of Dantooine]

[EXT: Dantooine, a gardener stands proudly beside a walled garden which bears the familiar name TARKIN]

Gardener

Phew! Four years of landscaping but I think Mister Tarkin finally has a home to be proud of. Hey! A laser!

[The GARDENER, the garden, the house and the entire planet of Dantooine is vaporised in an instant]

Wilhuff Tarkin

VADER! Dantooine?! What... what the hell? You've been to a cocktail party at my house for Christ's sake.

Darth Vader

Sorry.

We all know that Princess Leia fancied Han Solo, right? But Chewbacca wanting to do a duet with Solo? Wow. Didn't see that one coming. No euphemism intended.

Princess Leia

I love you.

Han Sol

I know.

Chewbacca

Rrrrrrrrr-eeeeeeeee.

Han Solo

That... I did not know.

Is this reverse psychology or some form of conditioning? Well, whatever it is, it's genius. Get someone to agree to an unreasonable demand by making it sound much more reasonable than other demands.

Darth Vader

Leia and the Wookiee must never again leave this city.

Lando Calrissian

That was never a condition of our arrangement, nor was giving Han to this bounty hunter.

Darth Vader

I have altered the deal. Pray I don't alter it any further.

[The elevator doors close]

Lando Calrissian

This deal's getting worse all the time...

[The doors open again]

Darth Vader

Furthermore, I wish you to wear this dress and bonnet.

Lando Calrissian

This was never a condition of our arrangement!

Darth Vader

I have altered the deal. Pray I don't alter it any further.

[The elevator doors close]

Lando Calrissian

This deal's getting worse all the time!

[The doors open again]

Darth Vader

Here is a unicycle. You will ride it wherever you go.

Lando Calrissian

What?! I'm not riding no fu*king unicycle!

Darth Vader

I have altered the deal. Pray I don't alter it any further.

[The elevator doors close]

Lando Calrissian

THIS DEAL IS GETTING WORSE ALL THE TIME!

[The doors open again]

Darth Vader

Also, you are to wear these clown shoes and refer to yourself as "Mary".

Lando Calrissian

Ah, fu*k you, man! I'm not doing it!

Darth Vader

I have altered the deal. Pray I don't alter it any further.

[The elevator doors close]

Lando Calrissian

THIS DEAL... is very fair, and I'm happy to be a part of it.

Date night for Mon Mothma and Admiral Ackbar is not going well. Largely because she's ordered something from the menu which looks uncannily like her date. In fact, they could be related!

Mon Mothma

I'll have the Calamari.

Admiral Ackbar

Well, I guess I'll have the insensitive b**ch! With a side of fu*k you!

Bruce Banner stands alone in a bar, staring uncomfortably at an attractive girl. You need to know that in order for this clip to make any sense whatsoever. You're welcome.

V/O

Doctor Bruce Banner. Physician. Scientist. Searching for a way to tap that.

Has there ever been a wittier character name than Sandy Cheeks?! I mean, it's genius. Oh, and if Spongebob and her were to have a child, just what the fu*k would it look like? Holy sh*t.

[SPONGEBOB and SANDY CHEEKS are standing in his pineapple house]

Spongebob

But how can you be pregnant? You said you had a sponge in your... Oh, you meant me...

I love Billy Joel. Well, not him, per se but his music. I was raised on it. Which is why whilst this sketch makes me giggle, it also hurts my soul.

Billy Joel

Pete is a real estate novelist.

Pete

Hey, that's me!

Billy Joel

That's a cute way of saying "Pete's broke."

I'll laugh at his life while I’m humping his wife,

Pete

Sheila?!

Billy Joel

Cause Pete's tiny shlong is a joke.
My piano, it sounds like God's symphony! And my microphone smells like the poor.
They put bread in my cup and their lives all suck.
If I quit this gig, they lose all interest in living, since life would have no meaning and they'd blow their brains out on to the floor.

[The crowd begins to boo]

La, da, di, da, da!

[BILLY pulls out a gun while singing and the crowd falls silent]

La, di, di, dolly da!
Down on your knees, I'm the Piano God!
Pray to the songs that I've sung!
Tell me I'm too good to work here!
Then put my balls right on your tongue!

It's a sad fact that pretty soon, children won't know what a pen is. But if a pen happened to be like this little pervert, that would be no bad thing. You wouldn't want him anywhere near you.

Pen

Hey, y'all. Recognise me? I'm the pen lying on your desk. We've never been properly introduced, I guess. Whoo-hoo! Boy, oh, boy, I sure do have a lot of fun when you're not around. Hee-hee-hee! I have pen pals all around the world. I always sign your name, though. Most of them are underage boys. What will I do with all those stacks of letters and photos? You'll find out soon enough. Whoo-hoo-hoo! I'm a really good artist. Here's a picture of your boss peeing into his own mouth. Think he'll be mad? Well, nice chattin' with ya. See you later.

[A JANITOR walks into the office]

Hey, there! Wanna make a quick $10?

Janitor

Yeah. $10. That's great.

Pen

Oh, good! Stick me up your butt. Hope you like dysentery. Hee-hee-hee!

This scene from the 1971 movie was sinister. When Charlie says those immortal words, "Mmm, I got a plum!" Perhaps the word plum didn't have sexual connotations back then. But still...

Willy Wonka

The strawberries taste like strawberries. The snozzberries taste like snozzberries!

Grandpa Joe

Yuk! These carrots taste musky.

[WILLY WONKA moves across the corridor where he sees that an OOMPA LOOMPA has drilled a glory hole amongst the lickable fruit on the wallpaper]

Willy Wonka

Oh... damn Oompa-Loompas!

Running from 1986 to 1990, the TV series ALF, featuring the adorable hairy alien was a massive success. But it wouldn't have been if this scene had been included.

Willie Tanner

Oh look, kids! Lucky had a litter of kittens.

[ALF pops up from behind the couch]

ALF

Hmm. Congratulations. Yeah, anyone gonna freak if I eat the afterbirth?

People say that Charlie's Angels is misogynistic. Perhaps. But when I was younger, such considerations never entered my head. The Angels were fu*king gorgeous and I was full of hormones.

Charlie

Good morning, Angels.

Angels

Good morning, Charlie.

Charlie

Angels, do you know what I'm not wearing?

Angels

Pants, Charlie.

Charlie

How did you know that, Angels?

Angels

It's the same thing every day, Charlie!

Charlie

So, you know what I'm gonna do next, Angels?

Angels

Yes. We'll wait, Charlie.

[The sound of Charlie fapping can be heard over the intercom]

They say that every cloud has a silver lining. I'm not sure that any form of cancer does. And I'm REALLY sure that someone ferreting around in my ass wouldn't make things better.

Doctor

I've got good news and bad news. The bad news is... you've got prostate cancer.

Patient

Well then, what's the good news?

Doctor

Well, as part of the treatment, you are in for a lot of ass play. I mean, so... if you're into that... JACKPOT!

If you shtup Mighty Mouse's sister, then there's a good chance you'll meet with a sticky end. So my advice is don't shtup Mighty Mouse's sister. Under any circumstances.

Mighty Mouse

They don't hurt.

[MIGHTY MOUSE voluntarily puts his head in a mousetrap and triggers the mechanism. It closes on him but he steals the cheese and frees himself]

See?

[A less mighty mouse tries the same thing but his head explodes upon impact of the spring]

Mouse

Mighty Mouse! Why did you do that to him?

Mighty Mouse

He... fu*ked my sister.

Today's episode is brought to you by the letter G and the number 5 trillion. This is an episode of Sesame Street that none of us would have been able to forget.

Kermit

Hey everyone, this is my cousin Gordon the Gecko. Gordon is a powerful executive on Wall Street, so what do you think about sharing?

Gordon

The richest 1% of this country owns half our country's wealth. Five trillion dollars.

[COUNT VON COUNT appears right of frame and begins to count in his trademark style]

Count von Count

One trillion! Ha ha! Two trillion!

Gordon

Shut up!

[Punches COUNT VON COUNT]

Count von Count

Ah!

Gordon

Greed, for a better lack of a word is good, greed works.

Kid

My dad says being greedy is bad!

Gordon

Your dad wouldn't know how to pour p*ss out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel.

There's a moral here, somewhere. It's an apocryphal tale. I'll leave you to decide upon the moral of the tale but let's just say that if I were a frog, scorpions could fu*k right off.

Scorpion

Excuse me, Frog? Can you help me get across the river? I could ride on your back.

Frog

But you are a scorpion; you'll sting me!

Scorpion

No, we'd both drown. Why would I do that?

Frog

Hmmm, okay.

[SCORPION gets a ride with FROG who turns to see SCORPION about to sting him. He holds the stinger back]

Frog

What the fu*k?!

Scorpion

It's in my nature.

Frog

FU*K YOU!

[FROG pulls out a revolver and shoots SCORPION]

Scorpion

Ow, you shot me!

Frog

Blowin' your brains out is my fu*kin' nature!

[FROG reaches dry land and SCORPION walks away]

Scorpion

Frog, relax! We made it! Chill!

Frog

CHILL THIS, A**HOLE!

[FROG shoots at the SCORPION and a GERBIL appears]

Gerbil

Excuse me, sir? Uh, might you give a tired gerbil a ride across? I promise not to crawl into your ass or anything.

[FROG shoots the GERBIL multiple times and it collapses]

Gerbil

But, why?

Frog

It's in my nature.

The one thing that Smurfs are short on is females of their species. It's a miracle that they manage to reproduce at all, actually. Because I think the only girl in their town is Smurfette.

Smurf 3

Are you a... a female?

Daffney

Well, sure I am, why?

Smurf 4

We thought there was only one girl in the whole world!

[Directs attention towards SMURFETTE]

This tired, old, worn out whore over here!

Smurfette

HEY!

Papa Smurf

So it's agreed, we'll stop smurfing our turds in your lake.

[SNORKS all cheer]

Governor

And in return, we shall give you photos of our women.

[SMURFS all cheer and then a moment's silence]

Papa Smurf

...to masturbate to?

Governor

Yes, to masturbate to.

[GOVERNOR and PAPA shake hands, the SMURFS and SNORKS all cheer]

There's nothing wrong with spicing things up in the bedroom with a little fantasy roleplay. But be careful what you wish for because sometimes, it all gets a little bit too freaky!

Man

All right, let's do this.

Woman

Come on. Try.

Man

Ahoy. Thar be boobies!

Woman

You're ruining it! I want you to take me, like Captain Jack Sparrow.

Man

I thought that character was a chick.

Woman

This is my fantasy. Try to be realistic.

[Transition to outside of a British pub]

Jack Sparrow

Are you ready to be ravaged, me lady?

Woman

It is quite humid south of the equator, my Captain.

Jack Sparrow

Oh, oh, don't mind the little stowaways, my darling.

Woman

Ew. Lice?

Jack Sparrow

No Pantene on the seven seas!

[He embraces her and kisses her full on the mouth]

Woman

Oh, my god!

Jack Sparrow

I've been brushing my teeth with rum and brine for close to 20 years, my little siren. Pay it no mind.

Woman

I don't know if I'm ready for this.

Jack Sparrow

Then I should warn you. I haven't a memory of me last wash. You might find my balls have the scent of vinegar fermenting in feta cheese.

Woman

Ugh! Oh! I c- I can't. I can't.

Jack Sparrow

Wait, my dear. It's hard to give chase, what with the horrific and debilitating rickets that affected ocean-bound travelers of that time!

[Transition back to the couple's bedroom]

Woman

You know what? If you're not gonna take this serious, then we're not gonna do it.

Man

What?! You said be realistic!

There's a certain logic to this. Although every time I've donated blood, someone has done the phlebotomy for me and I've never simply been handed a cup to make my donation.

[A man approaches a nurse seated at a table and places a small beaker down in front of her]

Man

There you go.

Nurse

Sir, this isn't a sperm bank. It's a blood bank.

Man

Then, how did you expect me to fill the cup?

Fantasy Island. If you're too young to remember it (and I sure as sh*t am!) it ran from 1977 to 1984 and it's where the catchphrase "The plane, boss... the PLANE!" came from.

Mr. Roarke

Smiles, everyone. Smiles! Our guests are here to have their fantasies come true. I trust your flight was enjoyable?

Man 1

Yeah! It was great. Uhm, enough with the chit-chat though; when do I get to fu*k a donkey?

Mr. Roarke

I... I... I beg your pardon?

Man 1

When do I get to fu*k a donkey?

Mr. Roarke

Surely you have another fantasy you'd like to -

Man 1

No, no, you gonna make it happen or am I gonna kick your ass?

Man 2

Whoa, whoa, whoa! My fantasy is to kick his ass.

Mr. Roarke

What?

Man 2

Yeah, I want to beat the mother fu*king sh*t out of your foreign ass head. That's my fantasy.

Mr. Roarke

No, no, no, no. Your fantasies are suppose to involve an... an identical twin or a family member brought back to life for a day. Imagine being the president of your own country.

Woman

Does that midget do anal?

Tattoo

Sí, yes I do.

I wasn't the greatest fan of The Transformers when I was a kid but I probably would have watched it far more often if they spoke the truth like this. Hell yeah!

Transformer

Let's transform and roll out and stomp a mudhole in some Decepticon ass, so hard that we won't stop until we're wearing socks made of dried sh*t.

Nerd

Oh, yes!

There are ways of dealing with your child's night terrors. And hiding in his closet isn't one of them. If your son's a teenager, you might never un-see what you're almost certain to see. So stay out!

Mom

You shouldn't do this.

Dad

Every night our son wakes us up because he thinks that theere is a boogie man in his closet. Then he needs me to get him a damn glass of water -

Mom

Honey -

Dad

No! l'll prove to him to him that there is no boogie man.

Mom

Ah, jeez.

Son

Good night, mom and dad.

♪

Hey there, Bear. Who's the master of your universe?

It's gonna be me!

♪

[We hear a zipper open and, curious, Dad watches through the gap in the closet door]

♪

It's gonna be an awesome night.

♪

Yeah, you like that b**ch! You are nothing! You are slime! You like it rough, huh? You're a bad, bad man! Bad naked man! Who's gettin' punished. Yeah, take it.

[Moaning and grunting]

Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy? You're adopted. Exelsior! Oh, man. I am parched. Mom! Dad! Boogie man in the closet!