19 MP3 Audio clips from Season 3 of Robot Chicken (2005)

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Sometimes people take things their children say far too literally. If my little girl said this, I'd assume that she was referring to the song by the Jackson 5.

♪

Little Girl

Doo-do-do-doo. I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus -

[Her FATHER comes into the room]

Father

I KNEW IT! THAT FU*KING WHORE!

You know what happens if you give a mouse a cookie, right? Well, I didn't. I had no idea that I'd be setting in motion such a sinister chain of events.

V/O

If you give a mouse a cookie, he'll want a glass of milk. If you give a mouse some milk, he'll want some more. If you give a mouse more milk, he'll develop a taste for human blood. If he develops a taste for human blood, he'll become a vampire. If he becomes a vampire, he'll have to make some followers -

[We've cut this sketch short here. Turns out the V/O was a WOMAN tucking her DAUGHTER into bed]

Mother

And that's why I had to kill Daddy. He was giving a mouse a cookie.

[Giggles]

Sleep well, sweetie.

Ah, the classic Fisher Price See 'n Say. A staple of childhood everywhere. But I've never pulled the string and heard this filth. Never.

[A MAN pulls the cord on the See 'n Say]

See 'n Say

The cow says... mooooooo!

[The MAN laughs and pulls the cord a second time]

Your mom says... (unintelligible mumbling)... because my c*ck's in her mouth. Get it, kid? My c*ck in her mouth. (Unintelligible mumbling)

Randy has had a disastrous Halloween. Mocked for wearing the pink Power Rangers suit, mistaken for a girl and nearly raped and... now THIS.

Cop

Randy... I'm afraid your mom's dead.

Randy

WHAT?!

Cop

It was a fire, son. It seems all she had time to do was write this note saying she never loved you.

Randy

Oh, no!

Cop

Right before she shot your dog. Have a happy Halloween.

Dick Tracy was a no-nonsense cop who didn't care much for people's feelings. He had no time for niceties. If he thought it, he said it. I admire him for that.

Gangster

Give it up, Tracy. You'll never take us alive.

Dick Tracy

Wasn't planning on it, Prune Face.

[He shoots PRUNE FACE]

Final cut for you, Flat Top.

[He shoots FLAT TOP]

Fu*k you, Mumbles.

[He shoots MUMBLES]

Cop 1

Wow, Dick. You really showed them. Ha!

Dick Tracy

I sure did, Horsemouth.

Cop 2

Do you need a ride back to the station?

Dick Tracy

No thanks, Big Ears. I think I'll walk.

[INT: CAPTAIN'S Office at the precinct]

Captain

You gotta take it easy with the nicknames, Tracy. Criminals are fine but guys in the precinct are takin' it personal.

Dick Tracy

You do things your way, Man Boobs. I'll do 'em mine.

[EXT: City street. TRACY passes a young couple beneath a lamp post]

Hey! How's it going, Deep Throat?

[The MAN looks accusingly at his GIRLFRIEND]

Man

How does he know?

Girlfriend

[Awkwardly]

Ummmm...

Dick Tracy

I was talkin' to you, buddy!

Paper Boy

Paper, mister?

Dick Tracy

No thanks, pre-pubes.

Paper Boy

So that's the reason they call you Dick.

Dick Tracy

Yeah.

[INT: Bathroom at the precinct. TRACY takes his hat off to reveal that his head is the shape of a penis]

That's the reason.

This is a movie trailer I never thought I'd see. And I'm pretty sure it would never see the light of day as long as the Pope had breath in his body.

V/O

Over the years, JC has lost a lot of girlfriends.

JC

I think it's wrong for anybody to be stoned.

Girlfriend

What a downer.

V/O

But there's one thing he never lost.

[INT: Recreation of The Last Supper]

Disciple

Jesus Chris, are you a virgin?

JC

Oh, you are... hilarious. Who wants more of my blood?

Disciple

How can you go thirty-three years and not have sex?

JC

Dude... my Dad is always watching.

Disciple

We gotta help the man. Highlight his attributes.

V/O

This summer comes a film that will touch you.

Mary

Hi. I'm Mary.

JC

I've got healing hands.

Mary

Oh yeah? So do I.

V/O

Like you've never been touched before

[INT: Bedroom. JC lays in bed next to a blonde woman]

Woman

Ooh! Looks like you're ready for a second coming.

V/O

The Thirty-Three Year-Old Virgin.

Remember those fast-talking Micro Machines adverts of your childhood? Well, here's a version you probably never heard. In fact, you definitely didn't.

V/O

Micro Machines Man here to tell you about the genuine, original, marvellous, majestic Micro Machines Street Zapper colossal collection. Make these cars zoom and vroom, veer and steer, jump and bump, flip and fly. Micro Machines Man used to own a 1965 Mustang convertible, but his wickedly witch-defying wife took it and everything he owned in a shockingly sadistic divorce proceeding that left yours truly emasculated; devoid of testicles, nada, nothing but an endless empty scrotum swinging, swaying between his legs like a portentous pendulum tick-tock-ticking away the fleeting remains of yesterday’s youth, vim and vigour. Yes, the sea cow from the black hole of despair married Micro Machines Man, not for the everlasting promise of eternal tongue-tickling, but for an amorphous amore that only a sick sad succubus could inflict on a rapidly balding butthead with poor potential prospects. I’ll never see my kids again! Tonight’s the night of nights when a ridged Remington rifle barrel gets frenetically fellated and brain matter goes splitter splatter and the big blanket of dim, dark, darkness gives cold comfort to a broken bitter bastard! One more pointless product you can’t take with you to the grave. By Galoob!

When a doctor is holding your balls, you've gotta hope that he's checking for a scrotal hernia. Because the alternative... well, let's not go there, shall we?

Doctor

Turn your head and cough.

Man

[Coughs]

Doctor

Ah. Just as I suspected. You let a stranger grab your balls.

Big Jim has pulled. He just needs to visit the little boy's room before taking his date back to her place. Unless...

Man

Hello, pretty lady.

Woman

Oh, hello.

Man

Do you want to know why they call him "Big Jim"?

[Whispers in her ear]

It's a very ironic nickname.

Woman

[Laughs]

Man

How about you, me, your bed...

[Makes rhythmic squeaking noises]

... loud screams, God being called, everyone smiles?

Doctor Seuss wrote The Cat in the Hat. But he probably didn't know that one day, Robot Chicken would satirise it in their own production of Screw Youssical: The Musical.

V/O

It started to rain at a quarter to two,
when the children both cried...

Children

We've got nothing to do!

V/O

They played their ker-plunkers and spun their spin-daddies,
why, they even found mother's vibrate-a-ratties.
When suddenly, there came a knock at the door.
The boy nudged his sister...

Boy

Go get it, you whore!

V/O

She rose from her seat and walked towards the noise.

Girl

Who could it be?

V/O

She hoped it was boys.
But what entered the house through the fog oh so thick,
was a Cat in a Hat with an enormous d*ck.
He sang a short song and played a few toots,
when all of a sudden, he noticed poor Boots.
The boy searched around for a pen and a pad.

Boy

This guy's a pro, much better than dad.

V/O

But before the two children could learn a new trade,
the Cat pushed them outside...

Cat

I'm trying to get laid!

V/O

So with nowhere to go but over the hill,
the children set off for the town of Whoreville.
They passed a few vagrants, a hooker, a corpse,
trying their best not to vomit, of course.
Though it got pretty hard as they passed by a can,
where a man tried to sh*t out some Blue Eggs and Spam.
Finally, they arrived at their mom's place of work,
as a jolly old man walked out with a smirk.
It was Itchy McGray, who was there every day,
and though his doctors sure pleaded, he could not stay away.
He had caught whore diseases, he had picked at whore scabs,
why, he even picked up a case of "whore crabs."
But, all of a sudden, he started to run,
because the children's drunk father showed up with a gun!
He was mean, he was mad, he was seven feet tall,
but the bulge in his pants was two sizes too small.
Which may have explained why he went on a spree,
of shooting the whores as they started to flee.

Dad

One b**ch, two b**ch, old b**ch, new b**ch!

V/O

He said with a laugh as their bodies did twitch.
He stared at his wife as he squeezed on his GLOCK.

Dad

I know it's your job, but why'd you Hop on my Pop?

Mom

We needed the cash!

V/O

She said through her tears,

Mom

And besides, you haven't touched me in years.
But I've got just the thing!

V/O

She knew just what to do.

Mom

Let's go home right now and make three kids, not two.

V/O

And so, the kids' father got his own way,
and the bulge in his pants grew three sizes that day.
And the low-income family began life anew,
at least 'til next month, when the rent would come due.

I'd love to see a news bulletin start with this. It's always doom and gloom lately. So I think the autocue operator should make it their mission to fu*k sh*t up.

News Anchor

In Tonight's News, you can find the words night, tight, tits, tots, stew, wino, ghost and the name Toni if you spell it with an i.

Surely we're not still putting our faith in Ink Blot Tests, are we? I mean they're total bullsh*t, aren't they? I mean, this guy only sees one thing. Well... technically two.

Psychiatrist

Okay, I'm gonna show you these cards and you just tell me what you see.

Patient

Breasts, boobs, knockers, fun-bags, hooters, dirty pillows, milk sacs, tatas, melons, gazongas, flesh pumpkins, sweater meat, nipple backstops, big boppin' booby-oobly-ooblies, two moons in a tractor beam...

[He turns the weird up to eleven by miming suckling like a newborn baby]

Imagine if King Leonidas were alive today. I mean, he had anger management issues, right? No question. So how could he cope with the pressures and irritations of life in the 21st Century?

[INT: Coffee shop. KING LEONIDAS takes a sip of his coffee and spits it out]

King Leonidas

THIS... IS... DECAF!

[He kicks THE BARISTA through a wall]

[INT: KING LEONIDAS sits in his living room, watching the TV]

Announcer

We now return to Two and a Half Men.

[Canned laughter is heard]

King Leonidas

THIS... ISN'T... FUNNY!

[He kicks in the screen of his TV]

Imagine if Scooby Doo had access to a firearm. I mean, I know he lacks opposable thumbs but that somehow makes it even funnier, doesn't it?

Shaggy

Like, good morning, dude!

[The pistol in SCOOBY DOO'S paw begins firing uncontrollably]

Zoinks, Scoob! Like... what the fu*k are you doin', man?

Scooby Doo

Rorry, Raggy. Re rafety rasn't ron!
(Sorry, Shaggy. The safety wasn't on.)

[Laughs]

There's always a smart kid in every class. Always the first to put their hand up in response to a question. The teacher's pet. Well, even teachers can lose it with them.

Teacher

Now, who can tell me a little bit about the Battle of Hastings?

[A LITTLE GIRL at the front of the class puts her hand up so fast I'm surprised it didn't break the sound barrier]

NO! YOU PUT YOUR HAND DOWN! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR SH*T! DOWN! DOWN! DOWN! I WILL KILL YOU! YOU LITTLE PIECE OF SH*T! YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

[The LITTLE GIRL lowers her hand]

Anyone else?

How to put this? This sketch opens with a woman in bed... under the covers... enjoying some... alone time. With a toy. You picking up what I'm laying down? She's... exploring her cave.

[The WOMAN, clearly using a vibrator, is moaning and groaning under the sheets. The trademark sound from The Transformers is heard emanating from her vibrator]

Vibratron

Where the hell am I? Vibratron to Prime. The Decepticons must have captured me. I don't know where I am but I'll increase vibration.

[This has a somewhat predictable outcome]

It's not what fairy tales teach you so much as what they don't say. I mean, is this what happened to Goldilocks when she ate the bears' porridge? She got... done up the wrong 'un by a bear?

News Anchor

In other forest news, a local girl was anally violated by a bear today.

[Cut to EXT: Local man being interviewed]

Man

Well, she ate them bears' porridge. Never eat no bears' porridge.

News Anchor

The victim, eighteen-year-old Goldilocks Sanchez is currently recuperating in the Anal Recovery Wing of the Westbrook Medical Centre.

This little girl is going to rue the day she told her father that her doll hated him. Because what she didn't know was that her father was a total and under psychopath.

Little Girl

I don't wanna go to sleep. You can't make me.

Father

I'm sorry, honey but it's bedtime.

Little Girl

I hate you! And Dolly hates you, too.

Father

Well, you're my daughter and I love you. But that b**ch is gonna pay.

[He snatches the ragdoll from his daughter's hands and begins beating its head against the bedroom door]

YOU HATE ME, DOLLY? HUH, DOLLY? YOU DON'T LIKE ME? -

[He continues raging, eventually decapitating the doll and skewering her head on the bed post]

Little Girl

YOU'RE KILLING HER! OH MY GOD!

Father

[Approaching his traumatised daughter as though nothing had happened]

Sleep well, baby.

[He kisses her forehead and walks out of the room]

Ah - the old hole in the bucket of popcorn gag. This has got to be an urban legend, right? I mean who wants to insert their... member into popcorn? Salty or sweet, it makes no sense.

Man

Dude, I've got a surprise for my date. I cut a whole out the bottom of my popcorn bucket.

Friend

Uh, that bucket's empty, dude. Where's the popcorn?

Man

Popcorn?

[He sits down and his girlfriend sits next to him]

Hey, Diana. Wanna feel my penis?

Diana

Ewwww. Why'd you cover it in butter?

Man

What do you mean butter?

Friend

Shut up, guys. The trailers are starting.