17 MP3 Audio clips from Season 2 of Robot Chicken (2005)

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Arthur Kensington Jr. is colloquially known as "The Nerd" and he crops up throughout pretty much every season. And he's always nerdy. Which is probably where the nickname came from.

Arthur Kensington

Man, I wish unicorns were real. That would be so cool.

[Yawns]

So... cool.

[He falls asleep and we see his dream]

Unicorn

[Neighs like a regular horse]

Arthur Kensington

Oh my gosh! They do exist!

Unicorn

Come with me. Let's have fun adventures together.

Arthur Kensington

You don't have to ask me twice!

[ARTHUR begins making woohoo and weeeeeee noises as he rides on the UNICORN'S back]

It's everything I've ever dreamed.

[Laughs]

Unicorn

In the magical land of unicorns, there's no need for clothing.

[Oh dear. This has suddenly taken a rather sinister turn]

Arthur Kensington

Whatever you say.

[ARTHUR begins to take his clothes off]

Unicorn

No, no, no. Take it off slowly. Yes. That pleases me.

Arthur Kensington

[Laughs coquettishly]

Unicorn

Polish my magic horn.

[Er, no. NOW it's taken a sinister turn]

Arthur Kensington

Okay...

Unicorn

[Begins making... erm, appreciative noises]

[INT: School canteen. ARTHUR is sitting with two FRIENDS eating sandwiches]

Friend

And then what happened?

Arthur Kensington

If you polish a unicorn horn long enough, it gives you magical unicorn mayonnaise. That's what I used to make these sandwiches.

[Unsurprisingly, ARTHUR'S FRIENDS look decidedly queasy]

Little Vicki has gone to the pound to choose a new pet. She has her heart set on a cat. Even if that cat happens to be Lion O from Thundercats.

Animal Catcher

Okay, little girl. Pick any pet you'd like.

Vicki

Thanks. What are you doing in here, Mister Kitty-Cat?

Lion O

A space-time vortex opened up on my home planet, Thundera and I suddenly found myself on Earth where cats apparently don't share the same rights as humans.

Vicki

You're so cute! I choose you. I can't wait for Show & Tell.

[EXT: School playground]

Billy

[Laughs]

Vicki has cooties! Vicki has cooties!

Vicki

[Giggles]

Stop it, Billy!

[LION O won't stand for this kind of bullying. He attacks BILLY]

Lion O

Vicki... does not... have cooties. Anyone else? Huh? Anyone else? C'mon! I've got nine lives and a whole can of whoopass.

Vicki

[Begins spraying LION O with a trigger spray of water]

Bad! Bad Mister Kitty-Cat!

Lion O

Fine. Fine. I over-reacted. Sorry everybody. Sorry. That one's on me.

[VICKI is still spraying him with water]

Please... stop that.

[INT: Classroom. Show & Tell]

Vicki

This is my new pet. His name is Mister Kitty-Cat and I got him at the pound.

Lion O

Actually, my name is Lion O, leader of The Thundercats. I'm the chosen one -

Little Boy

Lame!

[The KID is about to experience the wrath of LION O while VICKI begins spraying him with the water bottle again]

Lion O

Aw come on, Vicki. Aren't we still friends? Huh? BFF!

Vicki

No!

[The spraying continues]

Lion O

Oh, oh... Vicki!

Vicki

Go to hell!

[INT: Animal pound]

Animal Catcher

Don't worry, Lion O We'll find you a home.

[INT: Inside the home of a mad cat woman, wall to wall felines on every surface]

Old Woman

Miss Prissy Pants... stop fussing with your bow.

Lion O

This bow sucks. And my name is Lion O. Leader of The Thundercats. Sworn to -

Old Woman

Oopsie. Grouchy kitties don't get any tuna.

Lion O

I'd better get some freakin' tuna.

It's an advert. For wood. Morning Wood. I know, I know. Ridiculous doesn't come close but it is kind of funny in a puerile, childish kind of way. Or is it just me? It's me, isn't it?

♪

When you wake up in the morning, it's the first thing that you see.

It's your Morning Wood.

Morning Wood.

♪

Billy

Well, hello, Morning Wood!

[There's a knock at BILLY'S bedroom door and he quickly dives under the covers and pretends to be asleep]

Billy's Mom

Billy! Were you playing with your morning wood?

Billy

No.

Billy's Mom

No need to be embarrassed, honey. Your Dad has morning wood, too.

♪

Look around your neighbourhood, everybody has...

Morning Wood.

♪

Bruce Campbell

Hello, I'm Bruce Campbell. And I can't start my day without waxing my morning wood.

V/O

Morning wood. From the makers of Slow Dance Chubby.

It makes sense that The Emperor was less than pleased when Darth Vader allowed his beloved Death Star to be destroyed. And now we can hear that never before heard conversation.

[The EMPEROR'S phone rings. He answers it]

The Emperor

Go for Papa Papatine!

Automated Voice

You have a collect call from...

Darth Vader

Darth Vader.

The Emperor

Ach. I've gotta take this. Hold on. Vader! How's my favourite Sith? Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Just slow down. Huh? Whadda you mean they blew up the Death Star? Fu*k! Oh, fu*k, fu*k! Fu*k! Who's they? What the hell is an Aluminum Falcon? Okay. Okay. So... so who's left? Are you sh*tting me? Well, where are you? Wait a sec, you've been flying around for two weeks trying to get a signal? Ugh, you must smell like feet wrapped in leathery... burnt bacon. Oh, oh, oh... I'm sorry. I thought my Dark Lord of the Sith could protect a small thermal exhaust port that's only two metres wide. That thing wasn't even fully paid off yet. Do you have... do you have any idea what this is going to do to my credit?

[His phone signals a call waiting]

Hang on. I've got another call.

[He switches lines]

WHAT? I'M VERY BUSY RIGHT NOW. Oh. Oh, well... well where are they going? Oh, all right. Umm... just get me a turkey club. Uhhhh... coleslaw, I guess. I'm... I'm not even gonna eat it. W-w-what are you getting? Now see, I always order the wrong thing. No, no, no... I'll just stick with that. Okay. Bye. W-what? Oh, uh... cherry coke. Thanks.

[He switches back to VADER]

Sorry about that. What? Oh... oh just re-build it? Oh, real fu*king original. And who's gonna give me a loan, Jackhole? You? You got an ATM on that torso Lite-Brite? Now get your seven-foot-two asthmatic ass back here or I'm gonna tell everyone what a whiney b**ch you were about Padamanday or Panda Bear or whatever the hell her name is.

[He cups the receiver and addresses the MEN sat with him]

Oh, jeez. He's crying!

Hey. Hey, hey! Hey! C'mon. C'mon. Don't do that. Just... just, look... I, you know I'm just dealing with a lot of crap right now. Death Star blown up by a bunch of fu*king teenagers. You know? I didn't mean to snap. Oh... oh... just... just get back here. Okay. Okay, bye. I... yeah. I... I love you, too.

It's Senior Mutant Ninja Turtles. Not Teenage. Not any more. Because thirty years have passed since that movie was released. Yes. It was 1990. Which means the boys will probably be in a home by now.

Bingo Caller

I... 16.

Leonardo

Cowabingo, dude!

♪

Senior Mutant Ninja Turtles,

Senior Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Senior Mutant Ninja Turtles,

Heroes in a wheelchair!

♪

Michelangelo

Dude, this prune pizza is bodacious!

Leonardo

Oh, no! I've just cowabunga'd in my pants!

Raphael

Barfaroony! I hope you're wearing adult undergarments.

Rap Battles. Pointless, meaningless. But give them a Looney Tunes makeover and I'd watch them all night long.

Daffy

Get ready for the rap battle of the century. First, let's have a hand for DJ Bacon Bits.

Porky

P-p-p-p-p-p-p-ut your hands in the air like you j-j-j-j-j-j-j-just don't care.

[Laughs]

Daffy

All right. Our first challenger tonight hails from 8 Carrot Road. Put your hands together for B-Rabbit. And first to the mic. tonight is the reigning champion. The MC Hunter. Elmer Fudd with a PH!

Elmer Fudd

I'll get you, wabbit! Yo! I'm taking you to school, call me the Professor, you're sexually confused, 'cuz you're a cross-dresser. You like to kiss men, and that's real funny. Call up Hugh Hefner, you a gay-boy bunny! You're lost on this stage, you need a map, jerky, you made a wrong left turn at Albuquerque! One more, one more. I'm a pimp, 'cuz my hunting apparel's hot, son. I'll do a drive-by on your home with my double-barreled shotgun!

[Sound of a shotgun being discharged]

Daffy

Now, hold on a second, Mac! It's not rabbit-hunting season yet! See? Okay, your turn, B-Rabbit!

Bugs Bunny

Eh, ee, yo! Eh, heh, uh...yo...

Crowd

Choke! Choke! Choke! Choke!

Crowd Member

Ah, you suck!

Bugs Bunny

Yeah! Yeah! I know that you call me a "Wascally Wabbit", you say your R's like W's, that's a really bad habit! It's room, not woom, trees, not twees, you replace so many R's, I thought you was Chinese! You're so stuck on yourself, I'll call you Elmer's Glue. I got you some coffee, one lump or two?

Elmer Fudd

Two?

Bugs Bunny

I only dress like a girl to prove that you're gay! Would you like a kiss, handsome?

Elmer Fudd

Really? Okay!

Bugs Bunny

Elmer packs Fudd, you heard what I said. He's so bald, I'll put a "hare" on his head! I'll sit down on your head just like I was a Thinker. Hmm...

[Farts]

Ain't I a stinker?

[The crowd goes wild]

Daffy

Holy Toledo! B-Rabbit wins! B-Rabbit wins!

I have no words. None. No words to describe just how uncomfortable it feels to laugh at this sketch. I did laugh but I have a feeling I'll be on the express elevator to hell for doing so.

Man

My clothes are soft, but they're not huggably soft.

[CUDDLES appears from the basket of clean clothes]

Cuddles

Leave it to me! Being huggably soft is my business, and business is good!

[Giggles]

Man

They are soft, and so are you Cuddles.

[The MAN starts tickling CUDDLES, who giggles playfully]

Very, very soft...

[The man kisses CUDDLES on her stomach; CUDDLES begins feeling a bit uneasy]

Cuddles

Uh... Um...

[The MAN takes CUDDLES to a bathroom]

Where are we going?

Man

I need...your softness...

[The MAN closes the bathroom door. Unzipping can be heard. Both CUDDLES and the MAN start groaning; the MAN'S groans sound ecstatic, whilst CUDDLES seems to be downright uncomfortable]

Cuddles

This is a no-no!

Man

So soft...

Cuddles

A big no-no!

Man

Don't fight it...

[Groans continue. Some time later, the door opens. The MAN'S clothing appears dishevelled]

You might wanna... clean yourself up.

[CUDDLES stumbles out of the room, visibly shaken. The MAN stuffs CUDDLES into the washing machine, and pulls her out later]

Man

Good as new!

Cuddles

Yeah... G-good as new...

[The MAN cradles CUDDLES in his arms. CUDDLES is twitching, obviously traumatised]

Man

My, you're just so... huggably soft...

Cuddles

No, no, not really... that soft.

[The MAN takes CUDDLES to the bathroom again and we hear those sinister but familiar groans]

Cuddles

Stop! This-this-this isn't right!

V/O

Cuddles Brand Fabric Softener. When your clothes have to be huggably, rapeably fresh.

Cuddles

I... just wanna help you with your clothes...

Form an orderly queue, ladies. Because this guy knows all the best chat-up lines. Sadly, knowledge and performance are two very separate concepts. Behold...

Man

Hey! Nice shoes. Bet they'd look much better in my pants. Wait. I mean... Are you from heaven? 'Cos I've got an erection.

Poor Ricky. He gets struck by a car three times during this sketch. And each time, he's chasing a ball into the street. Will you never learn, Ricky? Will you never learn?

[RICKY is hit by a car chasing a ball into the street]

[INT: Hospital room. RICKY is recovering in bed]

Ricky's Dad

Ricky, the doctors say the accident left you mute. Do you know what that means? It means you can't talk no more! But just because you can't talk, don't mean you can't communicate. Look what I got you.

[He holds up a large cardboard sign which reads Hi, my name is Ricky.]

You wear this everywhere you go.

[EXT: Soccer field]

Kid 1

Kick it over here, "Hi, my name is Ricky."

Kid 2

Nice job on defence, "Hi, my name is Ricky."

You suck.

You seriously fu*king suck, dude!

[RICKY is once again hit by a car chasing a ball into the street]

Ricky's Dad

Ricky, the doctors say the accident left you mostly deaf. Do you know what that means? I said do you know what that means? Well, anyway, this is just another challenge, huh, champo? I got you these hearing aids.

Coach

Hey, nice hustle, "Hello, I'm hearing impaired."

Kid 1

You kind of suck, "Hello, I'm hearing impaired."

[RICKY is hit by a car a third time chasing a ball into the street]

Ricky's Dad

Ricky, the doctors say the accident affected your brain. We don't really know what that means yet but I got you these googly eye glasses.

Kid 1

We won, "Howdy, I have brain damage!" Three cheers for "Howdy, I have brain damage."

Parent

That was really something. Which kid is yours?

Ricky's Dad

That fat Asian kid.

E.T. Everybody loves that movie. But what if there was a reason everyone's favourite alien ended up on Earth?

E.T.

Be goooood.

Elliot

G-good-bye, E.T.

[The spaceship takes off. Cut to EXT: Alien Planet. Three larger versions of E.T. playing soccer. E.T. materialises nearby]

E.T.

E.T. hoooooome!

Alien 1

OH, MY GOD! Look, everyone! That retard we ditched on Earth somehow found his way home!

E.T.

E.T., phooooned hoooooome!

Alien 1

What the hell are ya callin' yourself "E.T." for, spaz?! Your name is Kleborp!

Alien 2

♪

Kleborp the retard!

Alien 3

Kleborp the retard with only one glowin' finger!

[All of the aliens' fingers glow. E.T. gives them the middle (glowing) finger]

Alien 1

Oh, now you're fu*kin' dead.

[E.T. attempts to run away, but one of the BULLIES grabs him]

E.T.

[High-pitched screaming]

Workplace bullying has been outlawed. But not where Jim works. His boss is a sh*tkicker. And no mistake.

Jim's Boss

Jim, I'm gonna need three hundred copies of your ass by the 4 o'clock meeting!

Jim

Yes, sir!

Jim's Boss

And try to keep your balls off the glass this time!

Jim

Yes, sir!

Jim's Boss

NOW!

Jim

YES, SIR!

Peter Pan. He's a magical friend. But he might have remembered to brief John, Wendy and Michael on how to fly before they attempted it.

Peter Pan

Come on, let's fly!

[Flies upward off-screen]

John

I can fly!

[Jumps out through the window and tries to fly, but falls to his death]

Wendy

To the sky!

[Also jumps out through the window to fly, but also falls to her death]

Michael

Yahoo!

[Yep, also falls to his death]

Peter Pan

[Flies back into shot]

Remember to think happy thoughts before you. Uh. Uhh. Ha.

Rom, Spaceknight! A warrior made of solid steel. Which is great. Unless your foe is in possession of an over-sized magnet, of course. Then it's a bit of a handicap.

V/O

Rom, Spaceknight! A warrior made of solid metal. He's beaten the galaxy's toughest villains. But now faces a foe in every way his equal: Jim, the guy with the giant magnet!

Jim

Come here.

Rom

No.

Jim

C'mon.

Rom

Nuh-uh.

Jim

Chicken!

Rom

You are!

Jim

Rom, space-chicken.

Rom

Mature.

Jim

Yeah, your mom was mature... last night!

Rom

What?!

Jim

Did her.

Rom

I'll teach you.

[Prepares to fire his phaser which is promptly taken from him by the power of JIM'S magnet]

Jim

Ha! Teach this! Heh, heh. Where's your gun now?

Rom

I didn't need it anyway.

Jim

Oh, oh... Rom... it's on my magnet.

Rom

You suck.

Jim

That's what your mom said.

Rom

She did not. My mom was a saint.

Jim

Saint Suck!

A clandestine meeting in a parking garage goes horribly awry when it's discovered our hero is on the wrong level.

Man

Hey! Are... are you... Deep Throat?

Rim Job

Hmm? Oh, no, no. I'm... I'm Rim Job. You... you want Level P2.

Cheerleading was never like this, was it? I mean, I guess in these enlightened times of gender fluidity, it's possible that a cheerleader has a... you know, a... But would she really do this?

Cheerleader

Come on team, you really rock. Check it out, I have a -

[She lifts her skirt and shows her genitalia to the crowd]

Crowd

[Gasp in horror at what they've just seen]

On-board GPS is fantastic. But some people take their relationship with their navigation system a little too far if you ask me.

GPS

So... what's the deal with us, anyway?

Man

Uh... wow, I... I, uh... you know I c-can't, I can't really... get too serious right now. I... I -

GPS

Then what was last night? Just a game to you?

Man

No, no, no. I-I-I like you, Lisa. I do. It's just... I... I... I just got out of a relationship and... you know... the timing... uh, it's not you... it's... it's... it's me.

GPS

You're a pimply, prickly-faced son of a whoremonger. Dick-breath, lying, sh*t-faced a**hole. What a sh*t-eater. Take a left here.

[The MAN unwittingly drives his car off a cliff and it explodes on the beach below]

Imagine if Vince Vaughn hosted a show called Vince Vaughn Bangs Your Mom in which Vince Vaughn... bangs your mum. Can you imagine that? Can you? Well, there's no need. Because here it is.

Vince Vaughn

Hi, there! Welcome to my new show, Vince Vaughn Bangs your Mom. In this show, I meet up with your mom and I bust her ass like a looter in a riot. Please welcome my first guest today, your mom. Now before I take your mom behind his curtain, I'd like to tell you a little bit about this fine lady. She's forty-five years young, loves museums and does this thing with her tongue that would make a... well, it would make a Rabbi eat pork. That's all for today. Time for me to go sweep your mom's chimney like Mary Poppins. Chim-chim-cheroo. Toodles!