20 MP3 Audio clips from Season 12 of Red Dwarf (1988)

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Never play Poker with The Cat. Or any cat, for that matter. I guess at least this one has opposable thumbs but he also has a narcissistic streak a mile wide which means you're unlikely to win.

Cat

Here we go!

[CAT begins to deal the cards but deals only to himself]

One, two, three, four, five... let's see what we've got!

Lister

Where are our cards?

Cat

You ain't gettin' any!

Lister

Without cards, we can't win.

Cat

Exactly!

Lister

What kind of game is that?

Cat

A good game! A game I'm gonna win!

The crew have stumbled upon a United America Scientific Research Station. The history of the company is, though, somewhat interesting...

Lister

What is this place, Krytes?

Kryten

According to the indent., it's a United America Scientific Research Station.

Rimmer

United America? Who's that?

Kryten

Well, at the end of the twenty-third century, America attempted to bring peace to the world by asking every nation on Earth to sign a peace treaty. Any nation that refused, they invaded. Now, a war ensued that was called The War Against War. Those countries who went to war, because they were so against war they were prepared to go to war to fight in a war against war, called themselves United America.

The United America Scientific Research Station was researching a cure for evil. Yes. Evil. But Lister isn't sure that he believes in the whole concept. Cat on the other hand...

Lister

Any idea what they did here, Krytes?

Kryten

Well, it appears they were testing a cure for evil, Sir.

Rimmer

Evil? But you can't cure evil. That's ridiculous. What did they do? Hand out tubes of Evil Ointment? Gently rub into your frontal lobes when feeling psychotic.

Lister

To be honest, I've never really believed in evil.

Cat

You should try inhaling your socks sometimes.

One of the genetically reincarnated test subjects was none other than Adolf Hitler. If they could cure him, then they could probably cure anyone.

Cat

Hitler? Isn't he dead? I thought he died playing Golf.

Rimmer

He was in Berlin, you goyt, in a bunker. He poisoned his partner and shot himself.

Cat

Huh! Golf can do that to you.

Someone's tried to kill the Dwarfers. Whoever tried to kill Rimmer left behind a clue. A Zippo lighter engraved with A. HITLER. Kind of narrows it down, huh?

Rimmer

Whoever buried me alive, left this behind. A. HITLER.

Hitler

And you think zat's mine?

Rimmer

It did cross my mind.

Hitler

It's not possible there's an Andy Hitler? Or an Ainslie Hitler? And even if it did stand for Adolf, that doesn't necessarily mean that it is mine.

[HITLER picks up the lighter and examines it]

Oh no, that is mine. Who stole my Zippo?

They've found it. And when we say, it, we mean Lister's guitar. Which is great news for him but not so great for the rest of the crew.

Rimmer

You found it?

Kryten

I can just picture Mister Lister's face, Sir. Soon, the whole ship will be full of his music. The Om Song, Baby Don't Be Ovulating Tonight. All the classics.

Rimmer

Kryten, are you deranged? Lister playing guitar is one of the worst sounds ever made. It comes somewhere between two mating velociraptors and Yoko Ono's Greatest Hits.

The crew have been kidnapped by activist mechanoids seeking justice for all robotic servants. They call themselves... well, they call themselves... MILF. Yes. MILF.

Activist

Not you, my friend.

Kryten

My crew-mates. Where are you taking them?

Activist

To face justice. We are the Mechanoid Intergalactic Liberation Front.

Kryten

MILFs?!

Activist

This way...

How typical of Rimmer to discover an as-yet uncharted moon and name the smegging thing after himself. He's so full of sh*t. And gas, apparently.

Rimmer

Gentlemen. To Rimmer, a moon rich in Helium-7. The most valuable gas in the universe.

Lister

To Rimmer... so full of gas.

[They receive a radio call from KRYTEN]

Kryten

Sirs, there appears to be some kind of solar storm coming in from the West. You should engage skedaddle mode.

Rimmer

But the Helium-7... we need to mine it.

Kryten

There's no time, Sir.

Rimmer

But Helium-7's incredibly scarce. It's rarer than an un-groped bottom at the BBC in the 1970s. It's worth a fortune.

The crew find themselves aboard The Enconium, a ship where criticism in all its forms is banned. Totally banned. Everyone is encouraged to express themselves in whatever way they see fit.

Lister

[Reading a plaque below what appears to be a framed child's drawing on the wall]

Joureny (sic) to the Stars.

[The next picture is the classic child's drawing of a house, apparently drawn in crayon]

Aww, look at that one. They've got little kids on board as well.

[RIMMER reads the plaque beneath it]

Rimmer

By First Lieutenant Edward Moore, aged 34½.

Cat

So, everything these guys do, no matter how garbage, gets to go on the wall?

Rimmer

Just like at St. Trembles.

Lister

And the Tate Modern.

The Waitress on board The Enconium is not particularly confident on roller skates. In fact, she can't even stand up without holding on to something. And when you're serving hot coffee...

Waitress

Oh! Here's your coffee, Sir. Be careful. It's very, very hot.

[As if it illustrate this point, she promptly pours hot coffee directly into RIMMER'S lap]

Rimmer

Aargh!

Waitress

Whoops-a-daisy!

Rimmer

She's just broiled my love-spuds and doesn't even say sorry.

Lister

She's moved on!

Rimmer

Look at the state of me.

Waitress

[Returning clumsily and unsteadily to the table carrying two plates of food]

Okay, here we are. I have one Processed Sausage with Sprouts and a Radish Jus. And... one Warm Goat Salad.

Cat

We didn't order any food.

Kryten

And we haven't ordered any drinks.

Rimmer

Though I wouldn't mind ordering a fresh pair of testicles 'cos these two are ruined!

The Crit Police (short for Criticism) wear a bright pink version of the British Bobby's attire. You'll recognise the voice. It's Johnny Vegas. He gets everywhere, huh?!

Crit Police

I'm gonna let you off with a caution.

Cat

Caution?! How dumb is this guy? Hey! Lieutenant A**hole... if you don't move your dumb-ass spaceship, we're gonna be flatter than your wife's droopy-ass titties. Capeesh?

Oh dear, Rimmer. Having his critical nature drained aboard The Enconium and it all comes pouring out. Every negative emotion. His resentment, his sorrow, his failure...

Rimmer

My brother, Howard. What an utter bastard. As for my parents and the schools they sent me to, the exams I failed and the support I never got and why Yvonne McGruder never wanted to go on a second date with me... and my sex-life was an absolute shambles. Ever since that day at school my brother gave me sex advice. He said the most important thing was the clitoris but I thought what he said was the most important thing was to spit on a wrist.

Computer viruses are still a threat in the future. Even in deep space, you can fall foul of a trojan or two. Unless you take precautions, of course. Unless you're careful.

Rimmer

What's going on?

Lister

We've gone to Yellow Alert.

Rimmer

Yellow Alert? I love Yellow Alerts. Call me geeky if you like but Yellow Alert is definitely my all-time favourite alert colour.

Cat

What's so great about a Yellow Alert?

Rimmer

It means someone's in danger but it's not you. A perilous emergency situation you can just kick back and enjoy. Where are the nibbles?

Cat

We've picked up a ship. They're in big trouble.

Rimmer

Big trouble? Fantastic!

Lister

It's getting sucked into a black hole. It's unmanned. Just an onboard computer. We're not going to reach it in time.

Rimmer

What's this? The boards have gone crazy.

Lister

I've had to de-cargo. We're downloading it.

Rimmer

You're siphoning this data onto a quarantined drive though, right?

[LISTER and CAT exchange awkward glances]

You're surely not downloading unknown data from unknown craft straight into our main drive? Lister, are you insane? That's like having unprotected sex in Doncaster!

Rimmer is running for election as mediator between the humans and the machines. He's using a loud-haler to extol the virtues of his manifesto and encourage votes.

Rimmer

VOTE RIMMER! PUT YOUR PENCIL WHERE IT WILL DO MOST GOOD. IN MY BOX!

The Germans have a word for what Rimmer displays most of the time. Schadenfreude. Pleasure derived from the misfortune of others. Nasty and unwelcome. And so is Schadenfreude.

Rimmer

It's your birthday... and you have a heart attack. It could only happen to you. It's hilarious. You realise, now you'll have to retire?

Lister

Retire?

Rimmer

You'll have to take it easy. Stop work. You'll probably spend most of your days sitting in the sleeping quarters, watching TV, having your meals delivered to you on a tray... no, wait...

Lister

You're really loving this, aren't you?

Rimmer

I will be in a minute when Kryten comes in and takes your temperature with a rectal thermometer. And, as it's your birthday, here's hoping he puts a candle on the end and asks you to blow it out!

Chippy is a medical nano-bot, drifting around inside Lister's blood stream, diagnosing and reporting back via a voice interface. He's a miracle of modern medical science.

Chippy

Well, Dave... some of your arteries have more fur than an Eskimo clothes shop. But diet and exercise can fix all that. I can also monitor your improvement by giving you daily updates of when you're likely to die. Would you like to know that, Dave?

[RIMMER leans in and does a great impression of LISTER]

Rimmer

Uh, yes please, man!

Chippy

You'll be sixty-three, Dave.

Lister

Rimmer! I didn't want to know that!

Keeping a computer updated is the first line of defence against crashes and viruses. But Cat doesn't care about that. He needs to keep himself looking good. That's all that matters to Cat.

Kryten

For several years now, the system updates haven't been automatically installing.

Rimmer

Why didn't it show up on any of the consoles?

Lister

Broken connection?

Cat

Or... maybe someone unplugged something and used them for his... heated curling tongs? And there was a voice that said, "Do not unplug. Software updates will not be installed." And this dude had to make a choice between his hair, and the updates. And... he chose his hair.

We've all been there. Try as you might, you just can't remember that elusive password. Was it the name of an old flame? A pet? A book? Hmm. What to do...

Rimmer

It's gone clean out of my head. I can't remember any passwords. I don't even know the code to my Space Cadet lunchbox.

Kryten

Let's not panic, Sir. Perhaps you can answer the secret security question. The one you chose when you set up the system. Here's the question you set... who did you share your first kiss with? I'll type this. Uncle Frank.

Rimmer

Kryten, that was personal. It was a special moment. I had no wish to share it with the rest of the world if you don't mind.

Cat

You already told us this story. The dude snuck into your bedroom 'cos he though you were your momma.

Rimmer

I was asleep, okay? Now, if you don't mind, can I get on?

Cat

Is that what he said?

Kryten

Sir, when you set the security question, why didn't you simply put in the name of your first love?

Rimmer

The questions are supposed to be obscure so it's hard for anyone to break in and get inside.

Cat

Unlike your kissing lips!

Rimmer doesn't like the word anomalous. I'm not sure why. It's a perfectly good (if slightly pretentious) word. So Kryten's going to have to find a synonym with which to explain.

Kryten

Permission to try an anomalous... I, I mean weird experiment, Sir.

Rimmer

How weird?

Kryten

Just moderately weird, Sir. Say a 1989 Michael Jackson.

When it comes to making announcements, Holly should really learn how to do so like an airline pilot. Because there's nothing calming, reassuring and understated about this.

Holly

RADIATION LEAK ALERT! RADIATION LEAK ALERT! ALL CREW SHOULD RUN AROUND SCREAMING!