17 MP3 Audio clips from Season 11 of Red Dwarf (1988)

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The crew are communicating with a Simulant vessel, the Captain of which wishes to conduct a trade.

Combat Droid 4

We wish to conduct a transaction of goods with you.

Lister

But... you're simulants. You despise humans. Why would you want to trade with us?

Combat Droid 4

You have something we want, and we have something you want.

Rimmer

What?

Combat Droid 4

A hostage. Taken from a human transport ship. Allow me to show you...

[COMBAT DROID 4 vacates his chair and moves off-camera]

Rimmer

We cannot negotiate with Simulants. We cannot cave in to their insane demands. Under no circumstances are JMC personnel permitted to negotiate with the enemy.

[Shockingly, back on the video screen, a terrified version of RIMMER is placed in the seat by COMBAT DROID 4]

Hostage Rimmer

Guys, it's me! They've taken me hostage. You've got to help me!

[Screams pitifully as he is dragged back off the chair and out of shot]

Rimmer

Of course, that what the JMC think but who the hell listens to those pen-pushers?!

In an alternative America in the 1950s, it's Prohibition. But it's not alcohol that's banned. It's technology. And the crew have just seen a man shot by the police for a misdemeanour.

Rimmer

Is he dead?

Kryten

He's moaning.

Cat

Can you blame him? He's just been shot!

Man

Did you see what happened?

Lister

Yeah, we saw. We'll get you a doctor.

Man

It's too late. I ain't gonna make it. Here...

[The MAN hands LISTER a business card]

Lister

Pizza delivery? You want a pizza, now?

Man

Uh, wrong pocket...

The crew have entered a "Science Speakeasy" where the technological elite meet to brainstorm and invent things that the law will not allow. It has distinct overtones of a brothel, though.

Hostess

You boys want company?

Lister

We're looking for a Harmony de Gauthier.

Hostess

[Speaking over her shoulder]

Hey, Har! There's a bunny here wants to get acquainted.

[HARMONY approaches the table wearing a white lab coat]

Harmony

So, uh... you wanna grab a drink first or you wanna go somewhere quiet and discuss relativity? For an extra ten bucks I'll do both. General and special.

The Expanoids have joined the police in raiding the speakeasy. And who should be leading the team but our old friend Combat Droid 4. What an a**hole he's turned out to be! And what an atmosphere...

Combat Droid 4

Prepare to die, human scum.

Lister

You said you were a high-born. A droid of distinction.

Cat

A real big spender!

Lister

So much better than that other droid... what was his name?

Kryten

3/63.

3/63

Did someone say my name?

Lister

Ah, so you're 3/63?

3/63

What of it?

Combat Droid 4

Nothing... don't... don't say anything. We're good now.

Cat

He was slagging you off behind your back!

3/63

Was he?

Combat Droid 4

Look, just leave it, 3/63. It's not worth it.

3/63

Uh, no, no. You were slagging me off behind my back!

Combat Droid 4

Look, you remember we were going through that bad patch?

3/63

No. You're no better than 18/241.

Mineopoly. It's like Monopoly but based on mining ships in outer space. Obviously. And Rimmer, according to him, is the champion of the universe.

Rimmer

I've never been beaten at Mineopoly, Lister. Undefeated since birth. In the Space Scouts, my gameplay was so legendary they called me Mineator.

Lister

Is that because you were half a man who was full of bull?

Long story short: Green & Barker dead because they reversed a Karma Drive to carry on an illicit love affair. And this is a flashback to when their activities were discovered.

Captain Kadri

The Karma Drive report has just come down from Central Ops. and it doesn't make for pleasant reading. You both have committed a whole range of misdemeanours.

Green

There's a Karma Drive on board?

Captain Kadri

Last week alone... extra-marital sex eighteen times. Extra-marital fondling sixty-seven times. Extra-marital licking whipped cream off another's -

Barker

- We get the picture!

Captain Kadri

It goes on...

Kryten has borne the brunt of endless jokes relating to the shape of his head. And even in a crisis situation, the insults don't stop. Give the droid a break, I say!

Rimmer

We're gonna get flash-heated? How long have we got?

Kryten

I'm not sure, Sir.

Rimmer

Why am I asking you? Someone with a head shaped like something produced in a geriatric's pottery class.

Rimmer needs the lift. Pronto. He's discovered life-signs on B Deck and needs to investigate. But he's not a patient man. Not patient at all.

[RIMMER presses the lift call button]

Lift

Lift coming, Sir.

[RIMMER presses the lift call button again]

Rimmer

Come on, come on... why are you always so slow? I've seen snails with club feet travel faster than you. The French army after lunch move quicker.

Lift

Not long now, Sir.

Rimmer

I'm picking up several strange energy signatures on B Deck. I need a lift pronto to check them out.

Lift

Just a drop-off on the living quarters and I'll be with you in a flash, Sir.

Rimmer

Will you really? Or will you really be a really long time?

Lift

A really long time, Sir.

Rimmer

So, why not tell me that in the first-place, then?

Lift

I didn't want to lose your custom.

Rimmer

Who can you lose my custom to?

Lift

Our main rival, Sir. The stairs. They've been doing really well this year.

Rimmer

Where are you now?

Lift

I've completed the drop-off at the living quarters decks, Sir. Now I've just got to trip up to the stasis booths.

Rimmer

But I pressed first. Right. That's it. You are fired.

Lift

You can't fire a lift, Sir.

Rimmer

I just have.

Lift

How are you going to replace me?

Rimmer

With another lift. From another shaft. I'll get the Scutters to transfer and install. Let me tell you, me laddo... there are plenty of young, thrusting lifts around here who'd give their eyeteeth to transport someone of my stature up and down their shaft.

[Editor's note: A lift is what we British call an elevator]

Kryten has to periodically empty his cache, delete old files and defrag. Sadly, Rimmer is unlikely to make the short-list of important data whenever that happens.

Lister

What kind of space station is it, Krytes? Any idea?

Kryten

No, I don't recognise it, Sir. But I must confess, I did delete some files off my hard drive this morning to create more memory.

Lister

Really? Is that safe?

Kryten

Oh, have no fear, Sir. I only trashed information I considered frivolous and idiotic.

Rimmer

Without checking with me, first?

Kryten

And you are?

Rimmer

Go into your trash, you metal moron and undelete the Rimmer folder. You must have dumped me in there by mistake.

Kryten

That's highly unlikely, whoever you are. But I'll check anyway.

[KRYTEN searches his trash folder]

Oh, there's a folder in here marked Captain Bollocks. Could that be you?

Rimmer

Captain Bollocks? Is that what you call me behind my back?

Cat

To your face, too, when you're snoozing.

Kryten

Just dragging it out of the bin and reinstalling... Oh, Sir... I'm so sorry. How could I possibly -

Rimmer

Yes, all right. Moving on...

Kryten

Calling you Captain Bollocks, especially behind your back and probably sniggering about it, too. How could you not take offence?

Rimmer

Kryten, please. Let's move on.

Kryten

Captain Bollocks. Really. It's disrespectful and downright offensive, Sir.

Rimmer

Just reassure me I'm fully reinstalled.

Kryten

Rest assured, Sir, you now have pride of place in my R section alongside Ringworm and Rimshot, Sir.

Lister has lost both kidneys to the deranged robot Asclepius. He needs a kidney. The Cat is the only possible donor. But will Cat agree to it? No. Probably not. No.

Lister

Well, he said no.

Kryten

What are we going to do?

Lister

Well, I've got an idea. How's your Lie Mode, these days? You still do that crazy, nervous stuttery thing?

Kryten

Please, Sir. I am now fluent in all the deceptive arts. I could work for FIFA!

Kryten has mistaken Snacky the Snack Dispenser for Asclepius, the most advanced medical droid in the universe. Which is not great, all things considered.

Kryten

You know, I believe we can do this, Sir.

Snacky

How? No one knows how to reconfigure the statis booths.

Lister

What about you?

Snacky

I'm a snack machine.

Lister

Did you overhear Romero when he was talking about adjustments?

Snacky

But he only ever figured out how to go back thirty years. Going back just a few days needs precision accuracy.

Kryten

Well, you could build on his findings.

Snacky

I'm just a snack dispenser. I just dispense snacks.

Rimmer

But when we had our therapy sessions, you taught me how to find the hero inside myself.

Snacky

No, I didn't. And you know why? I'm just a snack dispenser.

Rimmer

Yes, you're just a snack dispenser if you think you're just a snack dispenser but you're not only a snack dispenser, you're something more if you decide you want to be something more. You taught me that in our first session.

Snacky

I didn't teach you anything. You know why?

Cat

Me, me, me! I got this one! Is it 'cos you're a snack dispenser?

Snacky

I'm a snack dispenser!

Cat

Yowwwwwwwwwwww!

Lister is dreaming. And he has an audience. But, like a dog, he can't dream quietly. He talks in his sleep. Which is better than Rimmer's dreams. They sound a bit wet to me.

Lister

[Dreamily]

Inga...

Cat

Bud, wake up.

Lister

Huh?

Cat

Who's Inga?

Lister

Oh. Just someone I met at a party thrown by a giraffe called Gerald. She wanted me to fly with her to Paris but she had a wooden head and was afraid of forks. No future in it.

Kryten

According to Freud's Lexicon of Dream Symbols, flying is supposed to be a metaphor for sex.

Rimmer

Absolute poppycock. I dream of flying all the time. It's certainly nothing to do with sex. It's always the same dream. I'm in a Boeing 727 and it can't take off. I'm sitting there with a tiny bag of nuts I can't get open. Then, suddenly... after one giant tug, much to my embarrassment, the whole bag explodes over Premium Economy.

The SS Nautilus has a Bio-Printer. A 3D printer capable of printing its crew in times of need. And this is a time of need. Captain Herring got jammed in the printer and his face is on top of his head.

Captain Herring

This is Captain Edwin Herring of the SS Nautilus. Can you read me, over?

Rimmer

Copy, Nautilus. But there's something wrong with our video feed. From our end, you look like a hideous nineteenth century circus freak.

Cat

Bud! You look like you're wearing a toupée made of face!

Lister

Yeah... one look at you and even the Elephant Man'd want to jump in his mum and dad's bed.

Captain Herring

Our Bio-Printer jammed. It's faulty. My face has been printed on the top of my head. Any advice?

Cat

Yeah... don't wear a hat!

I've never had an in-growing toenail but I'd assume that it's really very painful and that, like Lister, I'd probably resort to extreme measures to sort it out.

Lister

Ow!

Rimmer

Lister, it's six in the morning. What are you doing?

Lister

I'm just trimming my big toe with these lawn edge trimmers.

Rimmer

So, you've finished Kierkegaard's The Concept of Irony, then?

Lister

I've got an in-growing toenail, Rimmer. It's killing me, man.

Rimmer

Thank it for me.

Lister

I've tried... everything. Scissors, nail file...

Rimmer

Why don't you get Kryten to do it for you?

Lister

Have you seen the size of his hands? They're like space shovels. It'd be like asking Herman Munster for a circumcision. No thanks!

It's Kryten's turn for a bout of melancholy. It's not normal for a mechanoid to become depressed. Perhaps he's on course for a mid-life crisis?

Lister

What's brought all this on?

Kryten

Well, just recently, I've started thinking about the universe. About how cosmic inflation of the time of the big bang means it's constantly expanding. Until one day it's gonna burst. And when it does, everything in the universe is going to cease to exist. Including the works of the greatest minds. Einstein, Mozart, DaVinci, Hoover, Dyson, Hotpoint, Dustbuster. And it got me thinking. If everything in the universe is going to end, including time itself, what is the point in cleaning above eye-level?!

Lister has fallen asleep at the controls of Starbug and he neglected to engage the auto-pilot before doing so. They're now thousands of miles off course and it's going to take some time to correct it.

Rimmer

It's going to take us forever to get back to Red Dwarf now.

Lister

Maybe we could take a shortcut across that asteroid belt?

Rimmer

GELF country?

Kryten

If the stories are to be believed, the particular tribe of GELF that inhabit belt Juno 98 are the Nyekin Hermaneee Akakakak Asyra Akakak. Oh! Sorry. I just sat down on a screwdriver. Does nobody tidy up around here except me?

Lister

Kryten. You were saying?

Kryten

I'm sorry, Sir. Yes, that particular are the Naki Ninkas. Vampire GELFs to you and me.

Cat

Vampire GELFs?

Rimmer

The story goes they feast on the blood of virgins.

[CAT starts looking really nervous because, well... he still has his V Card.]

Cat is pregnant. With Polymorphs. And yes, he's male. But he's an excellent host for the eggs. It's time for him to have a check-up in the Medi-Lab. In charge, the insensitive Doctor Kryten.

Kryten

Just to explain the Ultrasound, Sir. The probe sends a pulse through your skin and into your body. And the echo bounces back which allows us to make sure that everything is... oh my God!

Cat

Hey, what the hell's happening?

Kryten

We're just checking, Sir.