26 MP3 Audio clips from Season 10 of Red Dwarf (1988)

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Cat has found a book entitled Stupid But True in the cockpit. Lister found it in Petersen's quarters and, by the sounds of things, has read it cover to cover!

Cat

Hey! What's this?

Lister

Found that in Petersen's quarters. Some crazy stuff in that, man. For instance, did you know that in the nineteen-seventies in Sweden, twenty per-cent of all traffic accidents involved the moose?

Cat

A moose?

Lister

It's crazy that, isn't it?

Cat

Well, if they're stupid enough to let them drive, what the hell do they expect?

Lister

No, the moose aren't driving.

Cat

You just said they were.

Lister

No, they're not driving. They're just causing the accidents.

Cat

You mean they're in the back, fooling round, distracting the driver? That is insane! Why they giving them a lift in the first place? Let 'em walk. They've got legs!

Lister

No, no... the moose aren't in the cars, antlers out the sunroof... they're in the roads, moosing about, crossing roads, causing accidents.

Cat

You mean they're not looking left and right?

Lister

Exactly.

Cat

Not using the pedestrian crossings?

Lister

Exactly.

Cat

Not paying attention to whether it's a little green man or a little red man? OF COURSE THEY'RE NOT... THEY'RE MOOSES! Jeez. These Swedes. They expect too much.

Rimmer is descended from a long-line of leaders. His siblings made it to the admiralty. Whilst he... well, he didn't. And he's insanely jealous of their accomplishments.

Lister

How can you be jealous? Those Space Corps. jocks were all jerks. Just a load of over-privileged, practical joke-playing party boys.

Rimmer

Party boys? They were Space Marines, Listy; ripped and pipped. Do you know what their slogan is? While you sleep... we're probably saving the universe.

Lister

You sure? I thought it was, While you sleep, we're probably shaving off your pubes and gluing them to your head!

Rimmer's brother, Howard, is in trouble. BIG trouble. And only Arnold can save him. Which is unfortunate but he's going to let his neuroses and low self-esteem get in the way, isn't he?

Rimmer

I can't meet him. How can I meet him? He's a Captain. I'm a nobody. A Vending Machine Repairman. I can't save his life; it's too embarassing.

Howard

[Speaking on the video link]

Kryten, confirm coordinates received, over.

Kryten

[Replying to HOWARD via the video link]

Uh, received, over.

[To RIMMER]

Sir, shall I prepare the teleporters?

Rimmer

I've got fifteen hours to pass my Astronavs... become his equal. Then I can save him.

[Calling HOWARD on the video link]

Columbus... we're on our way. We'll be there in fifteen hours, over.

The crew have come into range of an Android Shopping Channel. It's filled with the same kind of crap as the terrestrial version. Including something that Lister and Cat really, really want.

Lister

I'm getting that Stirmaster™, Rimmer. I'm not hanging up this phone. It goes everywhere with me. The loo, the bath, you name it... If Kochanski walks through that door now and wants sex, I'll wedge it in my bum-crack and get to work. I am not hanging up the phone.

Rimmer is explaining to the rest of the crew that he has decided to answer his brother's distress call. But first, he needs to fool his sibling into believing that he's a Captain.

Rimmer

We got a distress call from his ship. I didn't want to see him until I'd become an officer.

Lister

Howard? Wasn't he the one in the Space Scouts who painted your todge with orange glow paint?

Rimmer

For three whole nights, I could read Biggles Flies West under the bedsheets without needing a torch! When I lay on my back, I could have doubled as a lighthouse for really small ships.

This is probably the most profound thing Lister has ever said. And probably the most predictable response that Rimmer has ever given.

Lister

You've always had this stupid rivalry with your brothers, haven't you? Look what it's got you. A hard drive full of resentment. But now you've got a choice. Are you going to grow up and let him see you for who you really are? Or are you going to carry on being a lying, cheating weasel, pretending to be something you're not?

Rimmer

I think we all know the answer to this.

It's not the tearful sibling reunion one might have expected. No. Because Howard is either incredulous or extremely jealous of Rimmer's falsified achievements.

Howard

Arnold?! Is that... you?!

Rimmer

Welcome aboard, Howard.

Howard

This... this is your ship? You're in the Space Corps.? Y-y-y-you?

Rimmer

Captain Arnold J. Rimmer, holder of the Gold Oblong of Pluck. And proud Fellow of the Space Corps. Super Infinity Fleet.

Howard

But you were an utter TWAT!

When it comes to automated assistants on JMC spacecraft, they fall into two categories. Mechanoids (Mechs) and Simulants (Sims). And Kryten is in the former category.

Howard

A mechanoid? Why don't you get a simulant, like Crawford?

Rimmer

I like working with the under-privileged, Howard. The down and out, the deranged and needy. When we found Kryten, he was a burned-out wreck on a junk-heap.

Howard

And you rebuilt him? Gave him something to live for.

Rimmer

No, we just hosed him down and gave him a hat.

Rimmer and Lister are at opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to responsibility. Poles apart. Rimmer wants to take the world by the balls. Lister would rather get kerschnickered.

Rimmer

Can you hear that?

Lister

Hear what?

Rimmer

That. Can't you hear it? It's driving me crazy. All over the ship, wherever I go, there's this really annoying whiney sound.

Lister

Yeah, it's you. Stop talking and it goes.

Rimmer

It's still there.

Lister

You're still talking.

Rimmer

Lister... this ship is falling apart. I need some help.

Lister

Don't look at me, Rimmer. I am busy today.

Rimmer

Busy? And what are you doing today that makes you so busy?

Lister

I'm getting drunk.

Rimmer

That's your day?

Lister

Not just any old drunk. I'm talking' traffic cone-hugging, pavement-licking kerschnickered. That's my day. Cheers!

Getting a new computer in space must be like designing your Avatar on an Xbox. Gender, age, hair colour... breast-size? Really? That's still a thing? In the enlightened 23rd century? Wow.

Kryten

Thank goodness for that derelict, Sir. I am just so excited at the prospect of having a new computer. We so miss Holly.

Rimmer

It's true we just don't get the same quality of cock-up these days, do we?

Kryten

Okay, Sir. The computer is ready to launch. Here we go. The pref. menus. Ahhh... male or female?

Rimmer

Female. Not really bothered. Doesn't really matter. Female.

Kryten

Age... twenty-five, fifty or seventy-five?

Rimmer

Whatever. Let's not get held back by this, Kryten. Twenty-five.

Kryten

Blonde or brunette?

Rimmer

Honestly don't care. It doesn't matter. Not important. Blonde.

Kryten

Breast size.

Rimmer

I can't honestly believe they actually still ask that question these days. It's absolutely ludicrous. It really is.

Kryten

I totally agree with you, Sir. I'll choose the first one. 30-A.

Rimmer

Hang on! What's the hurry, Kryten? Everyone knows you don't just pick the first thing that comes into your head. What's that one down there at the bottom?

Kryten

That's 36-D, Sir.

Rimmer

Fine. Go with that one. Whatever. 36-D it is.

Kryten

But I've already highlighted 30-A, Sir.

Rimmer

Kryten, don't argue. 36-D it is.

Kryten

But... Sir!

Rimmer

Kryten, it's not important. I don't know why you're making such a fuss about this. 36-D. Select it. Moving on.

Kryten

But I'm not making a fuss, Sir, I'm just -

Rimmer

- Okay, I'm pulling rank. I order you to select 36-D as the breast-size for the new computer. And that's an order.

Kryten

[Coughs]

Selected, Sir.

Pri is the result of Rimmer and Kryten's... anatomical selection. The new ship's computer. Capable of predictive functions and wanton destruction of the ship and its crew. Apparently.

Pri

I'm instructed to offer you a new position as Supervising Officer on our voyage into the heart of the Solar Core. Mission name... Operation Sizzle. Or, if you'd prefer, Arnold, your hologramic unit can be shut down now.

Rimmer

So, I have a choice. Get turned off now, have a non-existence for the rest of eternity or live a little longer and then get cooked to death?

Kryten

It's a real head-scratcher, Sir. No question. So how long have we got before we reach the point of no return? The melting point?

Rimmer

You mean the point where sun cream and floppy hats are no defence because our noses have started melting onto our shoes which are now floating down the corridor in a river made up of our own leg gravy?

Sometimes, just sometimes, all Lister wants is a little peace and quiet. And some meat. Some real meat, perfectly seasoned and cooked. But mainly the peace.

Cat

Stop whatever you're doing, bud. We're having a Crazy Golf championship in the Medi-Lab. It's gonna be insane!

Lister

I don't think so.

Cat

You won't say that when you see the course. It's amazing. Best hole's the fourth on the autopsy table. The bath-lift takes you up to the tee. Out of bounds marked by the commode cushions. You have to land your drive over the bunion plasters, in between the two kidney donor dishes, then a straight shot into the medical students' practice rectum.

Catching Lister reading is like catching a Nun playing poker for money. The two things don't go together. Because when they do, crazy things tend to happen.

Rimmer

Books? You've been reading again, haven't you? Listy, I've told you a million times... don't read... it messes you up. It's like giving a hamster who's only used to his little wheel, the keys to an Aston Martin. Crazy things are gonna happen.

Messing around with a self-assembly Rejuvenation Shower has sent the crew to Earth in the year 23AD. And they're stranded. Up the proverbial creek without a paddle. Or a battery to be precise.

Lister

This may be Earth.

Cat

Earth. It's always Earth with you guys. You see some trees... it's Earth. Who's to say this isn't a planet entirely populated by naked warrior cat babes who need me to make love to them all?

Rimmer

And what are the chances of that?

Cat

If you've never had a dream... you've never had a dream come true!

The crew have walked 4,000 miles from Albion (Britain) to India in search of lemons with which to make an 8-volt battery needed to teleport back to their ship. They've found some for sale.

Cat

We're in search of lemons in general.

Lister

We've walked four-thousand miles.

Seller

How many do you want?

Rimmer

Eight.

Seller

Eight? You walked across half the known world... for eight lemons?

Rimmer

You're right. That's absolutely insane. Make it ten!

Lister

Have you got a bag?

Seller

What's a bag?

Kryten

Bags haven't been invented yet, Sir. In 23AD, the rich have satchels made of goat hide.

Cat

So what did everyone else do?

Kryten

They dropped things, Sir.

Don't ask me how but the crew have rescued Jesus (yes, the Jesus) and brought him back to Red Dwarf. He has kidney stones. Of course he does. All that imaginary wine he used to drink...

Kryten

We need to insert a laser, under ureteroscope, up his urethra... locate the stone and haul it out.

Lister

Kryten, the only urethra I know is Urethra Franklin. In English.

Rimmer

Here's a hint. It's the last place any man wants anyone inserting anything.

Lister

You what? You're stuffing stuff up his schneiberhaus? Do you know who we're dealing with, here?

Kryten

Sir, it's a perfectly standard operation.

Lister

Yeah, that's because you're not member of the Schneiberhaus Club.

If there were careers in space for someone who evolved from the domestic cat, this CV wouldn't get him or her a position.

Cat

I'm not here to help. Read my CV. "Does not help. Does not clean. Will have sex with anything."

We all have down days, right? Days when we struggle to get up in the morning, struggle to smile... well, Lister is having one of those days. And Kryten's not helping.

Lister

Morning, Krytes.

Kryten

Oh. Something wrong, Sir? Something getting you down? Is it that you're the last human-being alive with no life, no family, no future, no prospects, no hope... is it... is it something to do with that, Sir?

When you're in need of a deep, philosophical conversation, there are people you can turn to. In Lister's case, that happens to be a vending machine. Yes. A vending machine.

Lister

Life. What's it all about, then? Why are we all here? Why am I here? What's the point of everything?

Vending Machine

I don't know, Dave. White coffee, six sugars and a Caramel Crisp bar coming right up.

Lister

Haven't you ever thought about it?

Vending Machine

Not really, no. I'm a vending machine. You okay? You don't seem your usual self today. Asking intelligent questions, being philosophical.

Lister

How do you know what my usual self is like?

Vending Machine

I watch you. Through the crack in your door. The things you do when you're alone are so funny!

Lister

I've gotta get going.

Vending Machine

See you next time!

Can one sexually harass a vending machine? I'm asking for a friend. Because here we see Lister accused not just of "hitting on her" but... here it comes... of touching her logo.

Lister

Ah, it's good coffee this. It's great coffee. Some amazing coffee. I've always said to the others, you know, if you want a good cup of coffee, go to Dispenser 23. She makes the best coffee.

Dispenser 23

Are you 'itting on me?

Lister

No.

Dispenser 23

I'm a vending machine... why you trying to 'it on me?

Lister

I'm not trying to hit on ya.

Dispenser 23

You so are.

Lister

No, I'm not. I'm really not. Just... you just make good coffee, that's all.

Dispenser 23

New façade, you look shiny... zat was a move!

Lister

It was not a move.

Dispenser 23

It so was a move. You were putting a move on me.

Lister

You're getting the wrong end of the stick... it was not a move. Now please...

Dispenser 23

Why are you 'itting on a dispensing machine? Who does that?!

Lister

I'm not. I'm -

[KRYTEN happens upon the argument]

Kryten

Is everything okay, Sir?

Dispenser 23

You know what he just tried to do? He was 'itting on me.

Lister

Hitting on her? Of course I wasn't hitting on her. She's a vending machine. Why would I hit on a vending machine?

Kryten

I'm sure there's been some misunderstanding here.

Dispenser 23

He put 'is 'and on my logo.

Lister

I was leaning, it was a total accident.

Dispenser 23

Oh... leaning and you just happened to place your hand exactly on my logo? "Oops! Sorry. Didn't notice it.", he said as he gently grazed my logo.

[To make matters worse, RIMMER now happens to wander past]

Rimmer

Unbelievable! This is going to go in the report.

Lister

[Sighs]

Rimmer and Lister are sorting the latest mail delivery. And Lister has bet fifty big-ones that he'll be the first to receive a letter from Earth.

Rimmer

Why is everything a competition with you? Why can't we just sit here and sort the mail like two mature adults? Instead of behaving like two schoolboys who have to bet on everything?

[To his amazement and delight, RIMMER is first to find a letter addressed to him in the pile]

OH YES, I'VE GOT ONE! ARNOLD RIMMER... THE MAN, THE MYTH, THE LEGEND! RIMSY, RIMSY! MISTER POPULAR WITH A CAPITAL P! THERE'S NO STOPPING HIM! HERE HE GOES!

Lister

Who's it from?

Rimmer

It's a parking fine.

Lister has received a letter from an old flame. Hayley Somers. But it's not all good news. He's on the shortlist for being the father of her unborn child. Along with a banker named Roy.

Lister

Hey, you don't think she was with this Roy guy?

Cat

The whole damn time!

Lister

It never even occurred to me.

Cat

But the key is... don't think about it.

Lister

I'm not thinking about it.

Cat

Think of something else.

Lister

I'm thinking of something else.

Cat

Good. 'Cos if you start thinking about all those hours you were sittin' at home killin' time while she was probably on all fours, covered in money... while his finger-wetting machine was workin' overtime... it'll drive you crazy! Now you get a picture like that in your head, it's real hard to get rid of.

The crew are on full alert. They're being attacked. But they're not sure by whom and they're not sure from where. It's a real conundrum.

Lister

What the hell's going on? Who's doing this?

Rimmer

Kryten, scan the local vicinity for any anomalous energy patterns.

Kryten

Everything's down, Sir. We're on EPS. Trying to reboot.

Lister

So... let me get this right. We're being attacked by something but we don't know what and there's no way of finding out what's out there?

Kryten

I have a suggestion, Sirs.

Rimmer

What?

Kryten

How about we look... out of the window?

A Simulant General doesn't know the meaning of forgiveness and he's not a major fan of failure, either. Failure must be punished. Just... not quite in the manner this Chancellor assumes. Oops!

Chancellor

My Dominator, forgive me. I implore you. The Earth one remains alive.

General

Forgiveness... is a human quality, Chancellor. It has no meaning to a Simulant General. You know... what you must do.

[The GENERAL slides his Sword of Spite across the table towards the CHANCELLOR who proceeds to make a somewhat half-hearted, yet severely injurious attempt at committing harakiri with it]

General

Firstly, polish my Sword of Spite as a punishment for your idiocy.

Chancellor

Polish?

General

Yes. Polish. As a punishment for your idiocy. Secondly -

Chancellor

- Just polish?

General

Yes. Just polish. Secondly, write me a formal letter of apology.

[It's beginning to dawn on the CHANCELLOR that sticking the sword into his own stomach and liberating his internal organs was not entirely necessary and that he may, in fact, have acted in haste]

Chancellor

So... you just want me to polish your sword and write a letter?

General

Yes.

Chancellor

Nothing else?

General

Nothing else.

Chancellor

So... you don't want me to, uh... oh, I don't know, uh... commit harakiri or anything?

General

Of course not!

Chancellor

Oh...

[The CHANCELLOR retracts the sword from his abdomen and, with a surprisingly loud splash, most of its contents hit the floor]

Chancellor

Well, Sir... that wasn't made very clear. Uh... when you slid the sword across the table, I naturally assumed you wanted me to... commit harakiri.

General

Well, I do NOT!

Chancellor

Oh, I know that now, Sir. Before though, it was just... you know, it was a bit ambiguous. Uh... uh... I think a new system is in order. I'm going to go now, Sir. Uh... My Dominator... thank you.

[The CHANCELLOR begins to stagger away, clutching his violated abdomen]

Ooh!

How would one describe Rimmer? Huge ego and no self-confidence. So what happens when his ego takes a knock? What happens then? Let's ask Lister.

Kryten

This is the worst thing that can happen. Mister Rimmer's always had a huge ego and no self-confidence.

Lister

Now his ego's smaller than a pixie's right nut after an icy bath!

President Franklin D. Roosevelt once said, "We have nothing to fear but fear itself." It's something to live by. Rimmer's version? Not quite so rousing if I'm being completely honest.

Rimmer

We have nothing to fear but fear itself. Apart from pain. And maybe humiliation. And obviously death and failure. But apart from fear, pain, humiliation, failure, the unknown and death... we have nothing to fear but fear itself. Who's with me?

[Not surprisingly, LISTER, KRYTEN and CAT don't raise their hands]