7 MP3 Audio clips from Season 9 of Red Dwarf (1988)

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Yes... Lister is ironing his sneezes. Or rather clothes that he's sneezed all over. And it's all to wind up Rimmer. Who's not impressed. Not impressed at all.

Rimmer

I get it.

Lister

I love it when it makes that squish sound, don't you?

Rimmer

You've spent hours planning this, haven't you? Hours... this wind-up. 'Cos that's exactly what it is. Going down to the supply decks, trawling through the crates, getting half-hysterical at the thought of my face as you start to... iron your sneezes. Was it really worth it, Listy? Hours and hours and hours of planning. For eight seconds of pleasure.

Lister

Sounds like the last time you had sex!

The crew are visiting with the Despair Squid once again. It's running amok. Which means that the crew are going to have to bravely pull on their big-boy pants and catch it. All except one.

Rimmer

No choice. We're going to have to go in. Get it.

Lister

Serious?

Rimmer

We're going to need a diving bell. The kind with grade one, reinforced titanium ribs. We're going to need diving suits, bazookoids, mini-grenades, laser lancer, blasters. And, we're going to need something good for me to read while you're all down there. Classic Car Monthly or something.

Lister

You're not coming down with us?

Rimmer

In spirit, I'll be down there with you. In actuality, I'll be reading a car mag.

Funny how Katerina has been on board the ship for next to no time and has already realised what it ordinarily takes people minutes to realise. Rimmer is a bit crap.

Katerina

Hmm. I bid greetings. My name is Katerina Bartikovsky. In past, I Red Dwarf Science Officer. From now, I am senior officer. No longer hologram Arnold Rimmer who is bit crap.

Imagine this. Being told that you have twenty-four hours to get your affairs in order before... well, before you are obliterated. Three times over. Ouch. That's gotta smart.

Katerina

Mr Rimmer?

Rimmer

Yes?

Katerina

You have twenty-four hours to get your affairs in order. Then you will be off-lined and your data files erased. Then your hard drive will be fired into space and when safe distance from ship it will be detonated by nuclear fusion.

Rimmer

You really don't like me, do you?

The boys from the Dwarf have found themselves in a science fiction fan shop run by the irritating Mike Millington. Who, incidentally, has a very small penis.

Shopkeeper

Huh! Red Dwarf.

Lister

Is this a new series?

Shopkeeper

I don't really follow it myself. Science fiction. It's all a bit bollocks really, isn't it? That Psi-Scan thing. Knows everything, doesn't it? Any bit of exposition... just ask the Psi-Scan. How can it know everything? Talk about rubbish.

Lister

Who's he, Kryten?

Kryten

Well, according to the Psi-Scan, Sir... he's a pompous, know-all, know-nothing idiot called Mike Millington. Who, incidentally, has a very small penis.

If Rimmer had a pound for every time he said the word neurotic in this scene, he'd have precisely six pounds.

Rimmer

Neurotic? I'm not neurotic. I've never been neurotic. Neurotic? NEUROTIC? Are they insane? Who writes this stuff? I wasn't even neurotic when I was a kid. Didn't have time. I was too busy washing my hands.

They've caught up with the scriptwriter. It's time Rimmer took charge. Put an end to the silly jokes at his expense. It's time for Rimmer to be the hero and actually get a girlfriend. And some action.

Writer

You'd kill me?

Rimmer

You're damned right we would. You know how much you've made me suffer? The life you created for me? All those cheap laughs. All that stuff about Rachel the inflatable doll. All the jokes about my puncture repair kit.

Lister

Actually, that bit was funny. Sorry. Carry on.

Rimmer

Did you ever think how I felt? Start writing. I save the day. I get a girlfriend who's gorgeous and crazy about me. And before you even think of it, after we've bonked each-other senseless, she doesn't turn out to be my long-lost sister.

Writer

Damn!