21 MP3 Audio clips from Season 8 of Red Dwarf (1988)

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Rimmer is not speaking to Lister. But Lister isn't going to stand for the silent treatment. He's going to get Rimmer to speak if it's the last thing he ever does.

Lister

All right, I'll tell you what... I bet I can make you say something in the next minute. Twenty big ones.

[LISTER begins to laugh as though reminiscing about something amusing]

Remember Yvonne McGruder? You really liked her, didn't you? Eh? I used to go out with her, you know. Before you did. You didn't know that, did you? Broke up in the end. Really hurt me. Still got the scars today. They never heal, carpet burns, do they? Both cheeks, man. She nearly wore them down to the bone.

[LISTER starts making sounds like a squeaking bed]

Rimmer

WILL YOU SHUT UP?

Lister

What did I tell you? Twenty big ones!

Being lectured on the subject of manners and etiquette by Arnold Rimmer is like being lectured on the subject of world peace by Colonel Gaddafi.

Rimmer

When they're bored and want my Bridge Club chums to wrap up and go home, people with breeding generally do not play Popeye the Sailor Man with a kazoo inserted between their buttocks.

Lister

I remember that. I used to do that sort of thing, didn't I?

Rimmer

And while we're on the subject, when someone's had a tad too much Claret and has fallen asleep, naked on their bunk, people of honour generally don't take a Polaroid of your snoozing todger, draw a moustache, mouth and ears on it and then pin it up on the bulletin board under missing persons.

You know the irony of this, don't you? You know who was responsible for the radiation leak which wiped out the entire crew? Yes. It was Rimmer.

Captain Hollister

You wanted to see me?

Rimmer

I'm concerned over some of the safety procedures on-board, sir. There's a potentially lethal scenario concerning drive plates, sir. Obviously, anyone who mis repaired one of these plates would have to have a brain the size of a leprechaun's testicle. Nevertheless, sir... like German tourists, the stupid are everywhere.

Captain Hollister must really like baked beans. Because if he'd rather eat them than watch two girls wrestling in them... Not that that sort of thing appeals to me at all. Absolutely not. Ahem.

Rimmer

The plan's working, Listy. Operation Get Rimmer Officerhood, Power and Eminence, or "GROPE" for short is bang on course.

Lister

So, that information I gave you on the drive plates worked, then.

Rimmer

Yes. The Captain's face. He couldn't have been happier if I'd given him two girls wrestling in a giant vat of baked beans and then removed the girls and handed him a spoon.

The crew are serving hard time in a penal colony. Rimmer, especially, is struggling to hold it together. He's too much of a pretty-boy to survive five minutes behind bars.

Rimmer

One day in this lousy, stinking penal colony and I'm cracking up. Everyone's so deranged and brutal it's frightening. This afternoon I was so depressed I went to see the social worker.

Lister

Was he any help?

Rimmer

Not really. He beat me up. He said I was a whining nancy-boy with girly white legs. Then pummelled me repeatedly with his book, "Showing Compassion to Inmates".

Lister

I thought social workers were supposed to be nice?

Rimmer

In the end I was so shell-shocked I went to see the priest and explained everything.

Lister

What did he say?

Rimmer

He said I was a whining baby who was missing his mum. Then he beat me up, too. You can still see the crucifix marks in the back of my head.

It's easy to be wise after the event, huh? Take Rimmer, for example. They say that a man who defends himself has a fool for a client...

Rimmer

If only I'd hired a smarter lawyer, instead of the brain-dead, pompous, stupid-haired git I ended up with.

Lister

You defended yourself!

Cunnilingus. Not a word you hear much of anymore. I mean, the act itself is still as popular as ever but I've not heard it referred to as Cunnilingus for ages. I say it's time to bring it back.

Lister

Look, we're only gonna get through this by being positive, by being... what's that word women tennis players always used to reckon was so important? Begins with C...

Rimmer

"Cunnilingus"?

The Canaries are an elite platoon of prisoners sent from Red Dwarf on dangerous salvage and rescue missions. And Lister's just signed up. He's also signed up Rimmer, Cat, Kyrten and Kochanski. Oops!

Rimmer

How come you've never heard of the Canaries? They've got recruitment posters all over the men's bogs! How come you've not seen them?

Lister

When I'm in the men's toilets in prison, Rimmer, I tend not to look around, y'know what I'm saying? It's like playing golf: I concentrate on my grip, keep my eye on the ball and try not to veer off to the side!

If you could find out how and when you were going to die... would you want to know? I wouldn't. You have to have a surprise in your life, right?

Rimmer

Cassandra, I have a question.

Cassandra

I know, Arnold, because I know the rest of this conversation.

Rimmer

So, what's the answer?

Cassandra

He chokes to death, aged a hundred and eighty-one, trying to remove a bra with his teeth.

Lister

What was the question?

Rimmer

I just asked how you died.

Lister

You what? I didn't want to know that! Who's bra?

Cat

A hundred and eighty-one? Probably your own!

Lister loves his guitar. The rest of the crew hate his guitar. With a passion. They'd really rather insert it in to one of his bodily orifices than endure him playing it for any length of time.

Lister

Are you okay?

Rimmer

Of course I'm not okay! I hate your guitar! If I wanted to share a cell with an irritating lump of wood I'd have moved in with an Australian soap star.

Lister

I didn't realise you thought I was that bad.

Rimmer

Didn't you get a clue that time I tried to insert it in you?

Lister

You would have stood a better chance if you'd used the neck-end.

Kryten has been classified as a woman within the prison system because he lacks male genitalia. Which means he has to endure showering with the women. Yes. I'll let that sink in for a moment.

Kryten

You don't know what it's like, being classified as a woman, sir. The humiliation.

Lister

I know, I know.

Kryten

I mean, why should I, a Series 4000 mechanoid, have to endure the turgid monotony of showering with the girls? Three times a week! Tell me that!

Lister

It's not fair, I know! It's just that - you shower with the girls?

Kryten

Oh! It's so hideously dull I can't describe it, as they stand around soaping themselves. Their bodies all wet and foamy. Can you imagine it?

Sometimes, the truth hurts. You don't want the truth. It's easier to live in blissful ignorance. Which is one of the many reasons sharing a cell with Rimmer must suck.

Lister

What can I do?

Holly

You've gotta deal with your grief, man. A breakup is very much like a bereavement. It's usually followed by a cremation and some sandwiches. Mark my words: time is a great healer. Unless you've got a rash, in which case you're better off with ointment.

Lister

Look, they haven't seen each other for ages; they're only going out for a meal. What's the worst thing that could happen?

Rimmer

How's this, Listy: a little wine, a little laughter, then its back to his place for coffee and a game of chess. Before you know it, she's sandwiched between two bishops and her queen's exposed to an attack from the rear.

Sodium Pentathol, also known as "The Truth Serum" has been around for years. But it's not as effective as Hollywood would have you believe. Most of the time it just makes people babble.

Captain Hollister

I understand you played an idiotic prank on a senior and much-respected officer yesterday.

Rimmer

That is just not true, sir. We played the prank on Mister Ackerman, sir... we - oh, I see...

Captain Hollister

What happened?

Lister

We inserted a capsule of the truth serum, sodium pentathol, into his asthma inhaler, sir.

Captain Hollister

Ah, which is why he rushed onto the bridge this morning, apologised for being late, saying he'd been having "jiggy-jiggy" with the Science Officer's wife, and hadn't allowed enough time to change out of his Batman outfit...

Rimmer

Permission to snigger, sir?

Captain Hollister

Permission refused.

Rimmer

May have to snigger anyway, sir...

Poor Captain Hollister. His latest indignity was having his drink spiked with Viagra. He was, erm... rigid for seven hours. Seven hours!

Captain Hollister

Seven hours. Do you know how long that is? I couldn't remove my shorts until after midnight! When I wanted a leak I had to do a handstand on the toilet seat. I stopped the lift doors from closing; I wasn't even catching a lift! Where'd you get it, the medi-lab?

Lister

Yes, sir. It was, er - it was me, sir.

The time wand has turned both Kochanski and Cat into younger versions of themselves. Would you believe little Kochanski was played by Holly Earl? Yep. It's really her.

Little Kochanski

What's happened? Kryten, why are you so big and why do I suddenly feel like a Vimto?

Little Cat

Wah! You've got to get me back to normal.

Little Kochanski

Do something! I can't go back like this.

Kryten

Why not? You may only be three feet tall but you're both as cute as buttons.

Pete (who used to be a sparrow but is now a seven-tonne Tyrannosaurus Rex) is making something of a racket down on the food decks.

Lister

We've gotta keep this dinosaur business quiet or we're dead.

Rimmer

Keep him quiet? He's rampaging about the food decks making more noise than two yodelling champions on honeymoon! Everyone on the ship will have heard him by now.

They're giving Pete a dinosaur-sized portion of beef vindaloo with extra roughage to try to get his digestive tract into high gear. Rimmer has some reservations, however.

Rimmer

A seven-ton Theropod is not going to eat Indian food. They like flesh. Preferably living, liberally coated in blood with a side-order of intestines, and an extra portion of blood. A bit like the French in that respect.

Throughout this conversation, Lister is trying to subtly hint that Captain Hollister is standing immediately behind Rimmer, listening to everything he says.

Lister

He is a good Captain, though, Captain Hollister, isn't he, eh? On the ball. Quick.

Rimmer

Quick? The only time he's quick is when he's passing a salad bar.

Lister

You do admire him though, don't you?

Rimmer

Admire him? A man who has his own cinema pick-and-mix factory in his quarters? A man who has a walk-in fridge? Who lists as his hobbies "chewing" and "swallowing"?

Lister

You did tell me once before, though, you do respect him, don't ya?

Rimmer

Respect him? A man whose family crest is made up of two cream buns and a profiterole? A man who's idea of a light snack - he's standing behind me, isn't he?

Captain Hollister

Yes, he is.

Kryten has finally made it. He's a man. Because, like all men, he has no control whatsoever over his penis.

Kochanski

There's a mouse under here, its been scuttling around for about ten minutes.

Kryten

It's not a mouse, ma'am, it's Archie.

Kochanski

Archie?

Kryten

My penis. It must have escaped.

Kochanski

You know, I'm really going to have to get my ears syringed; do you know what that sounded like to me?

Kryten

I made one.

Kochanski

Forget my ears, maybe my whole brain needs syringing... You made one?

Kryten

Mmm. Out of an old electron board, a loo roll, some sticky-backed plastic and an Action Man's polo-neck jumper.

Kochanski

Kryten, why do you want one?

Kryten

It's so humiliating, being posted to the Women's Wing just because I'm genitally challenged! So I decided to make one like Mister Lister's. Little rascal must have got bored jumping in and out of his hoop and made a break for it during the night.

Kochanski

No wonder I couldn't lure him out with a bit of cheese.

Ah... Duel. A film I've tried to watch so, so many times. But somehow, half-way through, I always have the feeling that I've slipped into a coma.

Rimmer

That's not a scar, that's a nick. That is a scar.

[RIMMER points at the small white mark under his jawline]

Lister

Where did you get that?

Rimmer

From a fight, years ago. Duel.

Lister

A duel? You? Get out of town!

Rimmer

Not a duel; "Duel", the old Steven Spielberg movie. Friend of mine attacked me with a video case. Some stupid argument about who had the coolest bicycle clips. I got him back, though. I peed in his mum's steam iron; he had yellow t-shirts for a week.

In an alternative reality, Hollister is subordinate to Rimmer and the woman Rimmer always assumed was Hollister's wife... well, actually she's his... Oh HELL no!

Talia

They said it was okay to drop by. You look wonderful.

Rimmer

So do you.

[To HOLLISTER]

That'll be all, shambles.

Hollister

Yes, sir.

Talia

You made Captain. You've done so well. Your own ship... wow! I've got goosebumps.

Rimmer

So have I!

Talia

Let me kiss you.

[As TALIA leans forward, RIMMER grabs her eagerly and presses her lips to his in a passionate kiss. She immediately begins to squirm and resist]

What are you doing!?

Rimmer

I'm giving you a big, wet snog, with oodles of Tommy-tongue!

Talia

But I'm your sister!