21 MP3 Audio clips from Season 7 of Red Dwarf (1988)

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Lister is receiving tragic news. Inconceivably sad and totally unexpected. How will he process this? How can he be expected to cope with the enormity of it?

Lister

Wiped out? Kr... Kryten, man... they can't be.

Kryten

I'm afraid so, sir. The laser cannon breached the main water tank and flooded Supply Deck B. They didn't stand a chance.

Lister

Yeah, but surely -

Kryten

- There was nothing we could do to save them, sir.

Lister

So, you mean... now we've got no papadums at all?

If there's one thing that's sure to get Lister through this awful chapter in his life, it's the support of the crew. Which is a pity really, isn't it?

Lister

You know the news? All of the curry supplies have been destroyed.

Crew

[In unison]

We heard!

Rimmer

As a mark of respect, we thought on Sunday at twelve o'clock, we could have a minute's flatulence.

Ace. He doesn't change. He's still cool, charismatic and more attractive to the opposite sex than a puppy covered in chocolate.

Ace Rimmer

Princess Bonjela, Ace Rimmer... there'll be time for explanations later. And hopefully... some sex

Princess Bonjela

What a guy!

So, Lister and the crew have travelled back in time and he's about to participate in a jousting contest against the King's best knight. The prize? Well, can't you guess?!

King

Is there any man, across the length and breadth of our great land, that dare challenge the King's best knight?

[The court crowd cheer]

Lister

I do, sir.

King

And you are, sir?

Lister

Lister... of Smeg.

King

Good Knight... do you accept this challenge from... Lister of Smeg?

Knight

I do, my King.

King

And what do you claim if the victory should be yours, my Lord?

Knight

I claim nothing, sire. Serving the King is reward enough.

[The court crowd cheer]

King

And you... Lister of Smeg. What prize do you claim if you should defeat my best knight?

Lister

I claim, my Lord... a night and a day in the bed of your good lady.

[The court crowd jeer]

King

A night and a day in the bed of my good lady?

Queen

We accept ze challenge.

King

Do we?

Queen

We do.

When the red, green and blue alert signs are all flashing, it can only mean one thing. Of a possible two things. So... yeah. It can mean two things.

Lister

The red, green and blue alert signs are all flashing. What the smeg does that mean?

Kryten

Well, either we're under attack, sir or we're having a disco.

Rimmer can't stand Ace. Because Ace is everything that Rimmer could have been. If he weren't such a snivelling, lily-livered pr**k, that is.

Ace Rimmer

Arnie... up for a stroll?

Rimmer

Thanks for the offer but I'd rather smear my genitalia with fish paste and dangle them in a pool of hungry piranhas.

Ace Rimmer

I'll take that as a no, then.

If you've ever been to New York, you'll know exactly how unstable the linkway that Kryten is describing actually is.

Kryten

Careful, sir. The linkway's about as stable as an Italian taxi driver who's got stuck behind two old priests in a Skoda.

For an android, Kryten has certainly got his human emotions down. Jealousy, sadness, defeat... he's mastered them all. And it's all thanks to Kochanski.

Lister

Kryten, man... are you okay?

Kyrten

[In a sulky toddler voice]

I just know we're not going to be able to get rid of her.

Lister

Is that so terrible?

Kryten

She's gonna take you away from me... I just know it.

Lister

What?

Kryten

I took her a glass of milk when she was showering. I've seen her... naked.

Lister

So?

Kryten

She's got all of those in and out bits that you like.

We all have a primal need to understand where we came from. Our lineage, our ancestry, our DNA. For Lister, it all makes sense now. For us? Mind-fu*k!

Cat

What is it, bud?

Lister

Ouroboros... It wasn't "Our Rob or Ross", it was Ouroboros.

Cat

What was?

Lister

The message that was written on the side of my box!

Cat

You came in a box? That explains everything.

Lister

I know who my parents are... I know who I am... I understand, now!

Kryten

Explain, sir!?

Lister

The in-vitro tube, the one that Kochanski's got. The frozen embryo - it's me! At some point after the baby's born we must go back in time and leave me under the pool table at the Aigburth Arms. We wrote Ouroboros on the box to explain! I'm my own father... and Chris is my ex-girlfriend and my mum!

Cat

You should write a letter to Playboy, bud. I bet you anything it'd get printed.

Just where did it all go wrong for Kochanski? She had the most promising of starts. And now she's surrounded by Neanderthals on a ship drifting aimlessly in deep space.

Kochanski

Where did it all go wrong? My life started off so promisingly. Rich parents, good school, pony named Trumper. How did I end up like this? On a ship where the fourth most popular past-time is going down to the laundry room and watching my knickers spin dry.

Kryten

Oh ma'am! That is not true! No one has ever done that!

Kochanski

That's only because they don't know when you wash them! Couple of posters and a trailer before "The World's Stupidest Stuntmen" video and, take it from me, that laundry room will be packed!

Kryten

I think you're doing Mr Lister and the Cat a great disservice, ma'am. A great, great disservice!

[Int. Laundry Room. LISTER, CAT present. Both are sat staring vacantly at the spinning washing machines]

Cat

Wow! This is the best load yet!

Lister is a changed man. Not by choice but by circumstance. He's on a no-curry diet and Kryten simply cannot get any of his heads around it.

Kryten

Good morning, sir! How about a little breakfast? What would you say to a dozen grilled winkles on a bed of curried rice crispies?

Lister

I'm not eatin' that spicy stuff any more.

Kryten

Forgive me, sir, but the phenomena of you not eating spicy food is like... a zebra not being stripy, or an old lady not sitting on a park bench with her legs open.

The trimmers are down. It's like wrestling Star Bug in treacle. At least, that's what I think Cat said...

Cat

Lateral trimmers aren't responding! It's like wrestling in treacle!

Kochanski

You hear that? Cat says the trimmers are like wrestling in treacle!

Cat

No, I said they were down, then I asked if you like wrestling in... it can wait.

Lister has been having some weird dreams, lately. Positively homo-erotic. And about Lister of all people. What he needs is help. And pronto.

Lister

You're right Kryten, I must be losin' it, or I'd never be dreaming stuff like that. Kissing Rimmer? I'd rather go bobbing for apples in the communal latrine at the Reading festival!

Kryten

I'm sure this will help, sir. I'll just insert my hypno-therapy disk.

[KRYTEN pops open his abdominal disk drive and inserts what looks like a CD]

Now, just relax...

[A piercing german voice blasts out - KRYTEN fumbles to stop the noise]

Lister

What the hell?!

Kryten

Sorry, sir! Wrong disk - that was my German language course; an extract from Hitler's Nuremburg speech. Definitely hypnotic, but not in the right way. I'll just go and find the proper one.

Kryten's resentment of Kochanski has reached new levels. He really doesn't like her. And he makes no secret of the fact.

Kryten

Ahh... sorry Miss Kochanski, ma'am, this is the medical bay, for sick people only. Surely you haven't broken out in a confusingly-filed pants rash?

Kochanski

Kryten, do you know how to extract a warm bottle of salad cream from a mechanoid's rectal cavity?

Kryten

Not off hand, ma'am, but I could research it?

Kochanksi

I'd start right now if I were you.

The crew are sneaking up on the Centauri. Problem is, the Centauri is a far superior ship with far superior engines. If spotted, it can flee like a scolded cat into the darkness of space.

Lister

Approaching the Centauri - 80 clicks and closing. Nice and easy, man...

Cat

Hang on - their retros have started up. They've spotted us!

Kochanski

Look at the acceleration of that thing! They're already half-way across the sector!

Lister

The Centauri can travel at speeds that we can only dream of.

Cat

Most ice cream vans can travel at speeds we can only dream of.

Able has made the ultimate sacrifice. Kryten wants to perform last rites on the body. So to ruin that with a cheap reference to a The Hollies song... well, it's crass really, isn't it?

Lister

He threw his life away to save us and we hardly knew him...

Kryten

With your permission, sirs, ma'am, I should like to recover the body and perform last rites.

[Int. Starbug Cargo Bay, ALL present. KRYTEN carries the motionless body of ABLE out of the pod]

Lister

Do you need a hand, Kryts?

Kryten

He ain't heavy, sir, he's my brother.

It's been a long time since Lister's last French kiss. But if he had to choose a partner for a tongue-wrestle, my suspicion is that he wouldn't choose a three-million-year-old corpse.

Kryten

Are you all right, sir!?

Lister

I've just been molested by Tutankhamun's horny grandma! Of course I'm not smeggin' all right! Eurgh! The taste! I need to to go and gargle with a toilet duck!

Kochanski's right, of course. I get so much as a sniffle in the winter and I assume I'm dying. Women, on the other hand, have a pain-threshold that we men can only dream of. They ARE the superior sex.

Lister

I feel really lousy.

Kochanski

Oh, you're probably just in shock, don't be such a baby.

Kryten

Miss Kochanski, ma'am, if I may say so, your bedside manner leaves something to be desired.

Kochanski

Like what?

Kryten

Well, like a bedside manner!

Lister

You think I'm a hyperchondriac?

Kochanski

You're a man, aren't you? I mean, you all get the common cold and you think it's malaria.

Kryten

Oh, and women, of course, are different?

Lister

They just have a different perspective on pain, Kryten. As would you if, every summer, you had to pour hot wax on your crotch and rip out half your thatch.

To find out that you're suffering from a fatal illness is unimaginable. But to know that you contracted that disease by being snogged by a dead woman... that must really suck. No pun intended.

Cat

So, the lifesigns on the Leviathan -

Kochanski

Didn't belong to Carmen, but to the parasite inhabiting her body. Which passed to you the moment she... well...

Lister

Slipped her mouth-meat down me gullet? I've been tongue-hockeyed to death! In forty-eight hours I'm going to be deader than a Saturday night in Salt Lake City!

It's the final showdown. Epideme Virus vs. Lister. A fight to the death. And if Epideme wins, he gets to learn how to open a lager bottle with his... wait... WHAT?!

Epideme

Dave... let's run down the rules. If you win: you get to live; if I win: you get to die, and I take all your knowledge when I kill you.

Lister

What? You absorb knowledge from every person you kill?

Epideme

So, as you can appreciate, killing you ain't exactly a career highlight. No offence, but when you're a virus there's not much call for knowing how to open a lager bottle with your anus.

A planet populated entirely by air hostesses. There isn't enough make-up in the universe to sustain that. But, on the bright side, there'd be plenty of tiny bottles of wine to drink.

Kryten

It's not even worth mentioning, ma'am. Er, must be a scanner fault. Re-scanning. What? Again?

Lister

What is it, man? You look shakier than a silicon implant ward during an earthquake.

Kryten

Well, according to all our scanners, that planetoid out there is... Red Dwarf.

Lister

Bahh, must be on the blink.

Kochanski

Of course it's on the blink! We're talking about the same piece of equipment that last month detected a planet entirely populated by air hostesses.

Kryten

We spent two weeks checking that out.

Cat

I knew we gave up to soon! It was worth at least one more week.